• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

girl i'm seeing with certain issues.

T

tennant90

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 8, 2014
Messages
103
Location
neither here or over there
Helllooooo people!

iv'e been texting a girl for about a week and we are meeting each other tomorrow (hopefully) for the first time. it's been cool texting and we reckon we are getting along enough to meet in person. she's been busy for the week which has why it's taken so long.

anyway, she has really bad issues with her body. i'm going to be there to make her feel beautiful ( again, hopefully) because she actually is. the thing is she has issues iv'e never had myself. she's totally self concious about what she's eating. not eating for days because she thinks she's too fat. today she has eaten but she feels ill. i told her it's normal to feel ill at this time of year anyway as it's coming to winter and that not eating will most definitely make it worse. i'm taking the realistic approach to what she is doing will in fact have some sort of adverse affect to her health. i tell her to eat and she does but i really need some heads up with what to expect? she has self harmed in the past and so have i but I'm passed that now even though she isn't. i can deal with that though. iv'e stopped the whole self harming malarky myself.

basically, i want to help this girl. i want to extract my positivity into her and create something beautiful from something broken. also, how should i go about someone with a clear eating disorder? could anyone here (preferably girls) who have had or have eating disorders give me insight to what it's like so i can understand this girl a bit better? i don't want to be that person who says "don't worry, everything is fine. you'll be fine one day". i want to understand it and hopefully in time that will help me understand her as a person better.

thanks for reading. i look forward to reading your insightful answers.

peace out,

IJT
 
realistically i don't really think there is much that you can do to improve this girls psychological state.

u might have the best intentions, but i think that change comes from within.

she probably needs to do some therapy or something, but i don't think the relationship is going to work if you are playing the doctor.

you could try being her friend first and see how that goes?
 
yeah, i'm not going to play the doctor. i'd rather just be there for her through it. i know it takes more than just talking about it to solve these things. my main concern is understanding it better. e.g how does it feel to see food in such a way? i see food and i eat it. i don't care if put on the pounds or not.
 
My ex used to be anorexic and bulimic I found that no matter what your intentions are they won't change easily from an external influence. Mind you it probably didn't help that I had anorexia as well and would obsess about my weight compulsively.
 
Yeah she seems to obsesse quite a bit. It affects her self of steam a lot. I'm mostly curious to how it happened but obviously you guys can't tell me that. A possible bad experiance with an ex boyfriend?, pressures on how girls should look in society? ect.
I'm not going to sit her down with a board and ask her questions and jot down answers :P but maybe, I'm wondering, if she has someone or something positive in her life it could make it better. Having someone who accepts her and appreciates how she looks the way she does.
I think sometimes she uses it as a call for help while at the same time using it as a way to self harm.
 
My first girlfriend had eating issues (bordering on anorexia) and self harmed when we first got together. It took me about 1-1.5 years to get her through those issues, which I did by basically reassuring her when she needed it and creating a safe space for her to grow emotionally and mentally. Would I do it again? Nope. I lifted her up and she burned me by cheating on me after 2.5 years, fuck doing that again.

She always told me I was her saving grace, and I don't doubt that she would have struggled for a long time on her own. However I still made sure she realized that it was her who changed, not me. All I did was provide the emotional support that she needed to grow and resolve the internal issues.

I know people would hate me for saying this but I believe both those issues are 'attention seeking' behaviors, or a nicer way of putting it is a 'cry for help'. They both have the potential to then become physiological problems once the feedback loop is established in the brain, and anorexia can be lethal as we know. But at the end of the day they're mental and emotional issues, and unless those demons are confronted it won't change. And they have to want to change too.

What worked for me was being both reassuring and loving, but also critical when it was needed and when I saw an opening to inject that into her mind (this is a skill I can't explain). Sometimes they also need to hear that they are in fact being ridiculous.. ie imagine what some starving kid in africa would think if he/she could see you right now. You have to be careful with that approach though.


Get her to realize that she does have a nice body. Stand by a mirror with her, naked together, and show/tell her how beautiful her body is (not in a lustful way). That really helped my ex. Point out what you're not happy with on your own body and say that it doesn't bother you, that you're ok with yourself. I remember the day when my ex went from being "i'm too fat!.. to "holy shit, i'm so skinny". That was a sobering moment for her. But she accepted herself in that moment, and that's what mattered.

You could also show her how the corporate arseholes manipulated her mind by using photoshop (!), lighting techniques, etc to make models look way better than they really are. This is important and goes a long way to breaking unrealistic expectations of body image.


If you're going to get involved in this do not bail on her when it gets tough or she'll suffer even more, you have to stick it out. But you need to ask yourself whether you're prepared to do that. It is emotionally draining. And in my case actually ended up with her being healed and then fucking me over, leaving me with the scars!
 
Mysterie said:
realistically i don't really think there is much that you can do to improve this girls psychological state.

u might have the best intentions, but i think that change comes from within.

she probably needs to do some therapy or something, but i don't think the relationship is going to work if you are playing the doctor.

you could try being her friend first and see how that goes?
Click to expand...

Don't be daft.

Tennant90 if you genuinely mean it then make sure you tell her how beautiful she is. Tell her you want to see her body if/when you get it on and then be sure to compliment her the whole way through.

Come on mate you know how to flatter people, the only difference is you mean it with this person.
 
tennant90 said:
Yeah she seems to obsesse quite a bit. It affects her self of steam a lot. I'm mostly curious to how it happened but obviously you guys can't tell me that. A possible bad experiance with an ex boyfriend?, pressures on how girls should look in society? ect.
I'm not going to sit her down with a board and ask her questions and jot down answers :P but maybe, I'm wondering, if she has someone or something positive in her life it could make it better. Having someone who accepts her and appreciates how she looks the way she does.
I think sometimes she uses it as a call for help while at the same time using it as a way to self harm.
Click to expand...


Tennant90 if you genuinely mean it then make sure you tell her how beautiful she is. Tell her you want to see her body if/when you get it on and then be sure to compliment her the whole way through.

Come on mate you know how to flatter people, the only difference is you mean it with this person.

But on saying that at the same time don't vbecone her crutch if you arent in for the long haul.
 
itsonlyme123 said:
But on saying that at the same time don't vbecone her crutch if you arent in for the long haul.
Click to expand...

I mentioned this in my post, but it's definitely worth reiterating. Better to not get involved in her issues if you think you'll bail after a period of time. Also I'd recommend scoping out the rest of her personality first too before getting tangled up in her issues.
 
You can't solve her problems. But you can be as positive as possible. Compliment her. Tell her she's beautiful.

The main thing is to NEVER tell her that she's ugly. If you do this, even once, she will remember it forever. Even if you're fighting. Never say it.
 
-=SS=- said:
I mentioned this in my post, but it's definitely worth reiterating. Better to not get involved in her issues if you think you'll bail after a period of time. Also I'd recommend scoping out the rest of her personality first too before getting tangled up in her issues.
Click to expand...

You did. I should have read the thread a bit before posting.

I was involved with a woman who had body issues who wasn't even a big woman, but had been involved with a verbally abusive bloke. Unfortunately I did become a crutch for her and I spent 3 of the 6 months trying to end it, and found myself being guilt tripped and manipulated in to continuing seeing her.
 
I'm not a crutch but I do already feel that I couldn't end this as easy as a more stable person. We haven't even met each other yet. We just text. And she doesn't like talking on the phone. Despite these weird behaviors I still feel attracted to her. But my options are open. I do have other girls who ate willing to date me and tbf it would be a fuck load easier. But a part of me wants to ride this one out. In hindsight, this relationship could becone a very close one. Already we talk about almost anything.

She isnt even fat though or skinny. Just a little on the side really. I actually like that in a girl.

SS, that Really sucks. Thing is, making someone confident in themselves kind of makes them feel worthy. So once they think they are free from what they felt like beforehand its like they think they can do what they want.

I'm going to treat this girl as a mate first with the intention of going somewhere further with it. Thing is, she has put all her eggs in one basket with me and now I feel responsible for her. I have full control over what happens so basically i do have a responsibility. This can't be a fuck n chuck job. If that hapoens she would definitely blame what happened on the way she looks.
I'll have to see whether it is attention seeking behavior or not. Sometimes a cry fir help isn't bad but if I treat her right then she shouldn't hace to do these things and im not scared to tell her shes being rediculous if she is.
 
I can say that one of the WORST reasons to form any kind of relationship with another person is because you "think you can fix them". You haven't even met this girl in person yet, and you're already posting on a love & relationships forum asking for advice on how to fix her deeply-seeded issues. RED FLAG.
 
Well now that I think about it, what's wrong if she has anorexia anyways? I don't see anything wrong with it, if she doesn't want to eat then just let her be. If anything you should encourage her and tell her that she looks like she's losing lots of weight or to keep doing what she's doing because it's making her look wonderful.
 
people with anorexia have an unrealistic notion of their body image, so they have a delusion that they are fat, so they starve themselves so that they can be loved/desired by others and feel comfortable in their own body. i personally dont think that putting your body through that kind of stress of eating nothing for days then binge eating is healthy. i also think the kind of self-denigration is going to be good for someone's mental wellbeing.

so thats why i think it is a poor idea for OP to encourage the girl to "keep doing what she's doing", because that reinforces in her mind that she is on the right path in trying to lose weight (when i assume she is already very skinny).
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top