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The Past Haunts Me..

nAON

nAON

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Mar 23, 2009
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Yes please.
Hey everyone. I'm in a relationship with a woman i'm absolutely in love with, I can't imagine anyone I could be more attracted to (in every sense of the word). Our relationship, taken at face-value in the present, is pretty solid. Some mild points of friction (occasionally clashing personality and empathy related to such, and currently long-distance), but that's not really something that worries me excessively.

The recurring issue I have is that I can't seem to let go of memories in which she has wronged me in the past. Pointless to go into details, but early in our relationship she cheated on me, in a manner of disregard towards myself that I have difficult empathising with, even if I now completely understand everything from her end. Every so often, I can't help but get into a horrendously dark mood and just overanalyze these memories, they block out any other rational thought, all I can think about is how she fucked me over, how her personality is twisted, just utter spite and angst.. when im not in that state of mind I always regret it and feel horrendously ashamed for it, especially if I end up expressing said thoughts and lashing out at her in those moods, but I can't help but go back to them, at least a few hours a week I spend just on autopilot mode, seething in paranoia. It's got to a stage where it feels utterly unfair on her, we've talked the issues out more than once, there's nothing more that I can say, i've expressed every possible negative angle I can dredge up, and I know every aspect of her side of it, both through action and state of mind. But I just can't seem to let it go, and I don't know what I can do about it, and I don't know what I expect her to do to make it better.

I suppose in some ways it's personal mental health issue, anxiety and paranoia and whatnot. I used to think that it was my memories that caused the moods, though recently i've come to think that maybe it's the other way round and I go into the moods for some other reason, and its them that cause me to bring up my most dark memories. But wondering, anyone got any advice, experiences?
 
It sounds like you're ruminating - our thoughts have the power to bring up strong emotions, and sounds like there's something in you that "chooses" to go to the dark place in your head where the upsetting thoughts are. It can be compulsive, almost addictive self-destructive behaviour IME with people who are anxious or negative about the world, and once you get a "fix" of this distress you feel awful and guilty and this just reinforces a vicious cycle where you think of the world as a difficult/unsafe place and yourself as a terrible person.

I think what can really help you is mindfulness. It's a great way to start recognising when negative or distressing thoughts arise, stop yourself from going "down the rabbit hole" of these thoughts and then get a sense of when and why these thoughts come up for you, e.g. recognise triggers.

Check this out, it has some useful exercies:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/mindfulness.htm

"Being mindful helps us to train our attention. Our minds wander about 50% of the time, but every time we practise being mindful, we are exercising our attention "muscle" and becoming mentally fitter. We can take more control over our focus of attention, and choose what we focus on...rather than passively allowing our attention to be dominated by that which distresses us and takes us away from the present moment."

Even if it seems like new-age rubbish, trust me I've seen this help many people who have this negative or unhelpful tendency to obsess over upsetting thoughts. In myself and in others, it's been a new and even life-changing way to realise I have choice over where I direct my attention and I can learn to let you. Hope this helps!

Lola x
 
chicken egg.

who came first?

but if you cant get over her cheating this wont last.

if you are depressed what happens is you can then bring up every memory associated with that emotion cos emotion and memory are super linked. so again it might not be her that is the trigger

you have to let go if this is to work but its your life and you should be true to your gut instinct
 
Dear O.P

Re gaining a trust that has been broken in this way can be a very long road to haul. Not many can. But it seems you have made your choice and are now stuck with those occasional dark moments that are natural when something like this happens.
Memories of what you think happened will be torturous. The blood will boil, rage will follow (even if it's not expressed, you'll feel it) and there's no easy fix here. sorry to say.
I have been cheated on. It happened 20 years ago and it still affects my outlook today in my present marriage. The doubts that come, suck.

You cannot go back and fix the past. So if you want to continue with your lady you are going to have to find a way to let it go. If you love her, that's all you can do. I imagine off your post, she did this fairly early on yes? Many will tell you once a cheater always a cheater but only you know her well enough to figure that one out. People fuck up. They do. She did. You two stayed together regardless. If anything, that's a testament to the strength of your union. You have to let go of the past. If you truly forgive her, you must clear the slate and start anew. No easy fix. very big of you though to have continued. Obviously, there is allot of respect there from both sides.
 
Lola - you describe it quite well. In some ways, it's been a learning experience about myself and the way I express emotion. For example, I think I just express my strong emotions through verbal thoughts, rather than knowing what i'm 'feeling' instinctively.. and indeed, i'm getting pretty good at recognising and predicting my mood based on the thought patterns I find myself going into.

Will definitely try to look into mindfulness.. I have a fuck-awful attention span, i've evern had a book on CBT that i've probably only flicked through 3 times over the last 6 months and didn't learn anything it other than that I should write shit down [which I don't do] :P I guess when I'm in a shit state of mind I don't want to do anything, and when i'm not I don't want to think about it.

Thanks for the advice and empathy.


pofaced - I know this of course, that's what terrifies me. That this angst of mine will one day get the better of me and cause to do or say something out of spite that makes me no better and is potentially irreversible. I know I have to let it go - but how? Difficult to know. Like right now, I feel great, the idea of feeling disconnected from my partner is utterly alien, the concept of letting go seems irrelevant.. but I know there'll come some point in the next arbitrary time unit where i'll be thinking all negative again.


s.e. - I believe she respects me now. Her crime wasn't malice, or belittlement.. it was ignorance, and at worst, disregard. I've effectively made a cognitive decision that I want to make this relationship work, i'm not gonna let some fool reactionary emotionally-negative side of my define the course of my life.


Ubi - Yeah, from her perspective at the time, there was no hope for the relationship. It was somewhat asymmetrical, we were a bit of a mess and I knew it, but at the time I still held out some vague hope that it would work out.. which it did, we connected really well over a really short space of time.

Cheers for the kind words, I didn't really expect a magical answer of how to forgive and forget instantly but it's nice to know people can understand and that i'm trying to do something about it (even if that is talking to pseudo-strangers on the internet :P)
 
Brief update, heh. I guess title still applies but to a less distant past.

So things were generally working out between us. The whole process of more communication (inc. making this thread) genuinely made me feel a lot more at peace with the situation.

Should also note that we were simultaneously discussing the prospect of going into an open relationship, at her insistance, something like 'we cant fuck only each other for the next 50 years' is difficult to argue with. So quite recently I finally agreed to try it, after admitting that I indeed could find other girls attractive, she said she would give me time to adjust and slowly ease our relationship and emotional states to it, no rushing anything.. and I just found out that a couple nights ago she fucked the same guy she cheated on me with a year ago.

Feeling a bit lost here tbh.
 
Ooo. Ouch. Huh. Well uh, may I write my first gut reaction to your latest post? Here goes. She wants you to sleep with other people so she feels better about herself for doing the same. Tell me, did she tell you about her latest escapade before or after she brought up 'open' relationships.? Interesting.

So, like, what are you going to do? How are you feeling about this other than "lost"?

Personally? If my S.O did this to me, I'd think he was a coward, a cop out with lame excuses for a confused mind/heart. I would wish for brute truths, non of this pussy footing about.

She's either with you or she's not. Can you handle being with someone who takes lovers? Can you handle that?
 
It was a few days after I decided to being in an open relationship. She told me the night after it happened.

She did tell me the brute truth. Which was that, because she felt like we were in an open relationship, she felt justified in fucking him. She was well aware of my existence, even while she was fucking him. Made smalltalk about how she hopes he has no diseases. Remembered to do mundane things such as wash the sheets. But at no point did she consider the fact that it would cause me any emotional response, nor that her actions could damage the relationship. Yet she claims she is still completely in love with me. I do indeed think she has a very confused mind/heart.

I thought I could handle being someone who took lovers - that's why I agreed to trying this slow transition into open relationships. But not like this..
 
I never claimed it was, semantically.. that doesn't mean that she should have free action to do as she pleases with her genitals and disregard any consequence on my emotional state though. Likewise, even if it isn't defined as 'cheating' I still very much feel like i've been cheated and toyed with.

Some part of me still holds out hope for the future but I guess that's some naive, romantic section of my soul that needs to get a grip on reality.


So, like, what are you going to do? How are you feeling about this other than "lost"?
Click to expand...

I've been writing my thoughts/feelings down in a .txt for the last week, currently on 5000+ words.. difficult questions to answer :P
 
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You are not ready for an open relationship. You have too many feelings of possession for it to work. Open relationships are about trust. You must trust her to be with other people but always want to come back and be In Love with you. Love and monogamy are two different things to her. if you want to try it, you have to have sex with someone else and not have emotional feelings about it.
 
nAON said:
It was a few days after I decided to being in an open relationship. She told me the night after it happened.

She did tell me the brute truth. Which was that, because she felt like we were in an open relationship, she felt justified in fucking him. She was well aware of my existence, even while she was fucking him. Made smalltalk about how she hopes he has no diseases. Remembered to do mundane things such as wash the sheets. But at no point did she consider the fact that it would cause me any emotional response, nor that her actions could damage the relationship. Yet she claims she is still completely in love with me. I do indeed think she has a very confused mind/heart.

I thought I could handle being someone who took lovers - that's why I agreed to trying this slow transition into open relationships. But not like this..
Click to expand...

No, not like that. I would imagine that for folks that can do open relationships, the ground work or foundation is laid at the very very beginning; and there's the whole, well uh, not everyone is built the same way. I can't imagine being in an open union of sorts. Too much heart attachment.
I reckon your heart isn't built for sharing lovers, at least as you say, not like this.

I wish you well on your journey. Guard your self. Don't forget there's allot of monogamous ladies out there
 
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