I'm Sober. What now?

[Help!imALIVE]

Im on methadone now. 6mg. Ive been on it for 4 years and just slowly slowly moving down. Ive been clean for probably 6 months with absolutely no heroin. Before that I was rarely rarely using just having relapses here and there. Im 26 now and I got started using opiates when I was 20. Getting clean has been tough and Im still connected with opiates by methadone which blows.

I can honestly say I am done with hard drugs. Like I just dont give a flying fuck about them anymore. I smoke weed sometimes and have a few beers but its not out of control. The weed was out of control for a while but I am good now, only smoking on occasion.

My problem is that I am useless at living now. I was completely devoted to using. I forgot how to do everything normal and I can only imagine how much more functional I would be by now if I had not been affected by drugs.
I wake up and dont even get out of bed. I just watch fucking youtube videos and shit. I have like a few close friends but no real outlets for socializing in a fun and belonging to something type of way. I havnt got laid since I left my ex like 9 months ago. I am slightly over weight which is making me feel shitty about myself. I dunno I guess I just feel worn the fuck out. Like I am just depleted emotionally and I think it has to do with the methadone to some degree but more than that I think its because I programmed myself to do one thing and now that I dont do that thing I am just not used to living normally. I dont do normal activities at all. WHen I do its usually something I have to do for money or that I just cant refuse like a christmas dinner or something. Financially I am doing ok.

I know I'm depressed physically but mentally I am so strong now that I dont think shit thoughts all day. So thats not my problem. I just need exorcise and life!! But I never do it. I never do what im supposed to do. Its like my programming is all wrong. I just want to be productive and normal.

WHat do I do??? I have no good habits

THank you for hearing me out!!!

 

[miscbrahh]

kind of a silly idea but since you watch a lot of youtube, maybe you could start by watching exercise videos, and then get motivated enough to try going for a short jog outside?
then slowly increase from like a 1km jog to 2km, etc

 

[T. Calderone]

^Good idea starting with youtube videos. Remember un-learning old habits can take some time, take baby steps and set a goal. Mostly, keep up your positive mental attitude because that makes a big difference. Welcome to Bluelight!

 

[DETROIT*edm*JUNKIE]

Set easy goals for urself. Baby steps bro.

 

[Aire]

I totally get you dude, I often feel the same way. A lot of the times it's just trying to wrap your head around the idea, and then seeking help, like you are doing. Taking small steps that don't really go against the way you are "programmed," like telling on of your friends that you're worn the fuck out and for them to try to get you to socialize more and shit. Shit that doesn't take any effort, that kinda forces you do to do shit.

Honestly, really identify what you're good at and what you're not, and figure it out slowly through the next few days to get a real ass idea of it all. Then, just don't go against any of you. You're not gonna get rid of how you've been trained to be in just one action. Y'know? Instead, do what you can. And if you try shit and it doesn't work, do other things. And make sure you SEEK HELP. That's the important part. So other people can kind of off-handedly help you get out more.

 

[wezface]

Man, I know how this is. And it is dangerous, because if you keep doing this you will go back to using just to feel like you have a purpose, have friends, have something to do. It's really hard to find yourself when you're way behind the curve because of an addiction. But you've gotta try new things, you have to figure out what you like and don't like and what you're passionate about and what makes you happy. Try your hand at cooking, or running. Volunteer somewhere to make new friends, and/or attend NA meetings. Get out of the house. Also you should probably be in therapy and perhaps even on some antidepressants to get you through this tough period of readjustment.

 

[Maya]

I am not too sure what your financial situation is but how about travelling? I wish that was what I have done a long time ago and I would have probably loved it! I am pretty sure it will give you a brand new experience in life and know yourself better through travelin, meet new people, get to know different cultures and even learn languages!! Just thinking about this makes me want to travel right now!

 

[fizzymk]

I can totally relate to this...the very small number of days I have managed to go without using the past few years or so (heroin), I just cannot fathom what my life will be like without the H anymore...I can barely go 3-4 days without copping/using, could not imagine NEVER using it again, what really scares me is once a person experiences heroin, it is impossible to simply forget how good that feeling is...so to live the sober life, I would imagine is like an endless hell of day after day, month after month, etc. of always having that in the back of your mind...remembering how good it feels to use, but since you are sober, you can never experience that again!! GOD that scares me!!

I remember before I took my first opiod painkiller, it was vicodin, one fucking pill made me feel great all day long, now an entire bottle of vicoden ES would likely not even make the heroin w/ds go away LOL, I remember I used to have goals in life, hobbies, money in my wallet, liked to go out with friends, etc. but now my life is DOPE, how Im going to get money every day, etc. I no longer have normal hobbies or interests like most people, I really have lost interest in anything, except dope, dont even care about having a girlfriend anymore...I cant believe Ive reached this point!!

I know they say all the bad shit will pass and eventually your brain does get back to normal, but IDK, I kinda think once youve been an active almost daily user of really any kind of strong opiod/opiate, I dont think its possible to ever get back to normal...While Ive only been on H for the past few years, I had been on methadone for over 10 years, and that was taking on average 60-80mg per day..I knew no matter bad my life was, I still always had that narcotic 'helper' to kind of get me thru the tough shit.

I also know many people say it takes more than just quitting and not using anymore, you almost have to hit reset and change your entire lifestyle to be successful and live sober! Im sorry, but I think its FUCKING ridiculous how our bodies deal with heroin/ opiod withdrawl... I mean, it would be one thing if we knew every day would get progressively better, but oh no, we know each day we go without using will actually get worse and worse, and is likely this will go on for months, maybe even years...FUCK, how is anyone supposed to ever get clean? LOL

dont get me wrong, I HATE living like this, constantly having to worry about money, how Im going to get my dope every day, tolerance builds, so that means MORE money needed as time goes by, etc...I kinda think life is not even worth living sober once you get the heroin taste and use for so long, I wish i had the balls to off myself, main thing holding me back now is NO ONE really knows what happens after death, I mean, its possible this COULD be worse than living and withdrawling, Id hate to 'wake up' somewhere after killing myself and suddenly realizing the mistake I had made and to know there is NO going back!

 

[Insect]

I'm new here but I'm not new to this issue. The hardest part for me wasn't even the withdrawal ,it is learning how to not be a fuckup. I don't even know how to approach a girl sober, we also always had instant boredom cure, get fucked up. I came from a family of drug addicts my pops died of an overdose, I have no fucking idea how normal people behave so every time I get into a social situation I feel like I should be high so I can be All of me and not this bumbling awkward dork that I've turned into....it's a lifestyle overhaul if you do sober the traditional way and that seems needlessly stressful, at least to me it does

 

[ticking]

back to drugs

 

[Erikmen]

I can totally relate to this...the very small number of days I have managed to go without using the past few years or so (heroin), I just cannot fathom what my life will be like without the H anymore...I can barely go 3-4 days without copping/using, could not imagine NEVER using it again, what really scares me is once a person experiences heroin, it is impossible to simply forget how good that feeling is...so to live the sober life, I would imagine is like an endless hell of day after day, month after month, etc. of always having that in the back of your mind...remembering how good it feels to use, but since you are sober, you can never experience that again!! GOD that scares me!!

I remember before I took my first opiod painkiller, it was vicodin, one fucking pill made me feel great all day long, now an entire bottle of vicoden ES would likely not even make the heroin w/ds go away LOL, I remember I used to have goals in life, hobbies, money in my wallet, liked to go out with friends, etc. but now my life is DOPE, how Im going to get money every day, etc. I no longer have normal hobbies or interests like most people, I really have lost interest in anything, except dope, dont even care about having a girlfriend anymore...I cant believe Ive reached this point!!

I know they say all the bad shit will pass and eventually your brain does get back to normal, but IDK, I kinda think once youve been an active almost daily user of really any kind of strong opiod/opiate, I dont think its possible to ever get back to normal...While Ive only been on H for the past few years, I had been on methadone for over 10 years, and that was taking on average 60-80mg per day..I knew no matter bad my life was, I still always had that narcotic 'helper' to kind of get me thru the tough shit.

I also know many people say it takes more than just quitting and not using anymore, you almost have to hit reset and change your entire lifestyle to be successful and live sober! Im sorry, but I think its FUCKING ridiculous how our bodies deal with heroin/ opiod withdrawl... I mean, it would be one thing if we knew every day would get progressively better, but oh no, we know each day we go without using will actually get worse and worse, and is likely this will go on for months, maybe even years...FUCK, how is anyone supposed to ever get clean? LOL

dont get me wrong, I HATE living like this, constantly having to worry about money, how Im going to get my dope every day, tolerance builds, so that means MORE money needed as time goes by, etc...I kinda think life is not even worth living sober once you get the heroin taste and use for so long, I wish i had the balls to off myself, main thing holding me back now is NO ONE really knows what happens after death, I mean, its possible this COULD be worse than living and withdrawling, Id hate to 'wake up' somewhere after killing myself and suddenly realizing the mistake I had made and to know there is NO going back!

Fizz, I´m sorry to hear you feel that way. You´ve mentioned though that you´ve had money in your wallet, plus goals and hobbies. So it wasn´t that bad. And it can´t be exactly like that again, but you can go by near that.

Life without opiates might be boring and everything is not as warmthful as it is obviously with heroin.
But one may ask what future does it bring to you, say in 5 or 10 years from now.
I was young and I now how I aged fast, so try to figure it out how you would be dealing with dentists, endocrinologists.
And the everyday hurts that I see in people on their mid 40´s. Everything would be potentially worst. And given the tolerance, in a decade, how much would you body need in 10 years´time. 1 gram, 2-3?

Lots of junkies die, but not most of them. I mean, you may be alive and needing money, probably a job, etc.
That´s when you have to balance if it´s possible to live only the moment itself without thinking about tomorrow.
I believe everyone can stop taking heroin. There are many solutions. But of course, you need to want it quite badly.

 

[Erikmen]

Im on methadone now. 6mg. Ive been on it for 4 years and just slowly slowly moving down. Ive been clean for probably 6 months with absolutely no heroin. Before that I was rarely rarely using just having relapses here and there. Im 26 now and I got started using opiates when I was 20. Getting clean has been tough and Im still connected with opiates by methadone which blows.

I can honestly say I am done with hard drugs. Like I just dont give a flying fuck about them anymore. I smoke weed sometimes and have a few beers but its not out of control. The weed was out of control for a while but I am good now, only smoking on occasion.

My problem is that I am useless at living now. I was completely devoted to using. I forgot how to do everything normal and I can only imagine how much more functional I would be by now if I had not been affected by drugs.
I wake up and dont even get out of bed. I just watch fucking youtube videos and shit. I have like a few close friends but no real outlets for socializing in a fun and belonging to something type of way. I havnt got laid since I left my ex like 9 months ago. I am slightly over weight which is making me feel shitty about myself. I dunno I guess I just feel worn the fuck out. Like I am just depleted emotionally and I think it has to do with the methadone to some degree but more than that I think its because I programmed myself to do one thing and now that I dont do that thing I am just not used to living normally. I dont do normal activities at all. WHen I do its usually something I have to do for money or that I just cant refuse like a christmas dinner or something. Financially I am doing ok.

I know I'm depressed physically but mentally I am so strong now that I dont think shit thoughts all day. So thats not my problem. I just need exorcise and life!! But I never do it. I never do what im supposed to do. Its like my programming is all wrong. I just want to be productive and normal.

WHat do I do??? I have no good habits

THank you for hearing me out!!!

Methadone can do this I know from my own experience.
You need to exercise and avoid the 'void'.
Have you started dating, do you go out? Wouldn´t you like to start a hobby, go visit someone?
Try anything different, anything at all.
And, don´t be disappointed if that does not work immediately.
It takes time, but the effort will come back to you.
Either way, it´s better than staying on heroin. No future in that, with all respect!
Been there, and even through methadone my life has deeply upgraded, health, family etc.
You are on a low dose of methadone and soon your body will start to produce its own endorphin.
It will get better!
Good luck!

 

[Insect]

You're probably right

 

[fizzymk]

Fizz, I´m sorry to hear you feel that way. You´ve mentioned though that you´ve had money in your wallet, plus goals and hobbies. So it wasn´t that bad. And it can´t be exactly like that again, but you can go by near that.

Life without opiates might be boring and everything is not as warmthful as it is obviously with heroin.
But one may ask what future does it bring to you, say in 5 or 10 years from now.
I was young and I now how I aged fast, so try to figure it out how you would be dealing with dentists, endocrinologists.
And the everyday hurts that I see in people on their mid 40´s. Everything would be potentially worst. And given the tolerance, in a decade, how much would you body need in 10 years´time. 1 gram, 2-3?

Lots of junkies die, but not most of them. I mean, you may be alive and needing money, probably a job, etc.
That´s when you have to balance if it´s possible to live only the moment itself without thinking about tomorrow.
I believe everyone can stop taking heroin. There are many solutions. But of course, you need to want it quite badly.

I cant think long term anymore, at least when it comes to my life, drug use, etc. Im at the point now, where I dont even know what my life will be like next week!! Ive been managing to come up with money every day lately, but there is no guarantee this will continue, I still have my job, and have been working more than normal the past couple weeks, mainly because Ive had dope to start the day every day, plus, if I know Im going to be getting some money later on the day, and I know I WILL be able to cop...its almost like I can go out and work that day, kinda like my body anticipates using later in the day and I get like a 'second wind' to make it thru the work day...its crazy, Im in a good mood on days like this, talkative, even though I dont havent used any dope yet, just the knowledge that I WILL be using within hours, strangely is enough to make me somewhat better and able to deal with work...I used to get this feeling when I was driving to meet my connection, my body knew it would have dope VERY soon and I guess everything started feeling better early.

I agree that to be successful at staying sober, it is very true that the person MUST WANT it...REALLY BAD, im in the position where I realize I NEED to quit, but I dont really want to...I simply LOVE dope too much, although I hate what it does to my life, I think most addicts are like this though, and usually takes some serious event, or hitting bottom, to put them over the threshold and they suddenly really want to quit, but with me, even after attempting suicide and coming DAMN close, yeah, I think I hit 'bottom' for a day or 2, but once the w/ds got too intense, I all of the sudden forgot how bad things were just a couple days earlier, My drug use is just totally out of control, its running my life and has been for awhile now, Im not sure what it will take for me to actually hit the real bottom, where it DOES sway my opinion and I WANT to quit this shit for good?

You also said life is boring for sober addicts, and this is very true, but I cant imagine it ever reaches a point where they are able to experience things like NON-addicts or like they used to be, before opiates. I can truly say, even if I quit for 5 years and used NO opiates for this long...I would still remember how good the feelings were when using, cant just forget that, IDK, maybe I need to have my mind 'wiped clean' so I would not remember the feelings drugs produce LOL ( I know this isnt possible though)

 

[fizzymk]

I'm new here but I'm not new to this issue. The hardest part for me wasn't even the withdrawal ,it is learning how to not be a fuckup. I don't even know how to approach a girl sober, we also always had instant boredom cure, get fucked up. I came from a family of drug addicts my pops died of an overdose, I have no fucking idea how normal people behave so every time I get into a social situation I feel like I should be high so I can be All of me and not this bumbling awkward dork that I've turned into....it's a lifestyle overhaul if you do sober the traditional way and that seems needlessly stressful, at least to me it does

Im like the opposite...Ive always been more comfortable being around, and talking to girls versus hanging out, or talking to guys...I think alot of it is because I have ZERO interest in any sports, always been this way, alot of guys Ive been around love to talk about sports, so this is a conversation I cant take part in. My dad and mom had no interest in sports either, so growing up, they didnt take us to ballgames, watch games on tv, talk sports, etc. so its just something I never had an interest in...Ive learned this is pretty rare for guys too.

I do have a few guy friends, but have many more friends that are girls though, maybe its just me, but Id rather hang out with females, they seem to feel the same about me too, Ive always been pretty lucky with the ladies, I seem to be one of those guys whom most girls like and hit it off with them right away. I also dont feel like my complete self without some type of opiate in my system and when I do have a conversation with someone, its tough for me to act like Im interested or even care about what they are saying, instead, Im usually thinking about ways I can quickly come up with $100, and/or how I can manipulate that person to loan or give me cash.

The problem is ever since Ive been a heavy drug user, I still do favor hanging out, and talking to females, its just I dont really care either way now...If Ive used recently, Im good, but if I havent used in awhile or in full blown w/d, I have no interest in talking to anyone, female or male! I really think during these rough times, even if the hottest girl Ive ever seen undressed in front of me, gave me a nice lap dance, etc. I dont think Id be interested, I would be more interested in finding H or using it...that is definitely one of the negatives of opiates, I used to have a pretty healthy sex life, dated alot of girls, loved to meet new girls as often as I could, but ever since Ive using heavily, I lost all interest in sex and dont care if I ever have it again..dope trumps sex anyday for me...deep down, I HATE this though, but the way my brain works now...dope is more important...sad way to live life imo, but cant manage to make the change either like so many others on here.

 

[black kat]

I got into heroin hard and fast,would do crazy stuff/amounts in the first 2 years of my addiction(along w a shitload of other drugs as well)
so after creating chaos around me i decided that i should "control" my habbit(lol).

Indeed,i kinda cleaned up my act,i took up activities,resumed college(was 20 at the time),maintained a long term relationship but still doing heroin daily.

Today,after what is now 7 years of abuse,i realize that even though i maintained an "image" to the outside world and seemingly didnt let addiction take me down,that is totally NOT the case.
Gradually i lost contact with most of my good friends,and the only "normal" person i have in my life is my gf of 5years(relationship is almost as old as the addiction although she has nothing to do with drugs).
My mentality has suffered and even tho i try to do "normal" things like exercising,socializing etc,its really hard to get myself motivated and in fact i rarely find genuinely interesting something that isnt related to drugs/sex.
My interaction and communication with people has suffered as well cause it seems so hard to keep up a conversation about something without constantly thinking to go to the toilet and do a line of H.I am in my mid 20s and i find it so hard to relate/bond with anyone as i feel so distant and "different".
That all is when im on drugs and ok,without dope everything is thrown out the window and i become this dope seeking beast that has one goal in life,to score.

Goes to show that opiates will change you eventually,ones spirit/mind/character will suffer and just like above posters,im really doubting if this whole thing is completely reversable.

 

[Erikmen]

Im like the opposite...Ive always been more comfortable being around, and talking to girls versus hanging out, or talking to guys...I think alot of it is because I have ZERO interest in any sports, always been this way, alot of guys Ive been around love to talk about sports, so this is a conversation I cant take part in. My dad and mom had no interest in sports either, so growing up, they didnt take us to ballgames, watch games on tv, talk sports, etc. so its just something I never had an interest in...Ive learned this is pretty rare for guys too.

I do have a few guy friends, but have many more friends that are girls though, maybe its just me, but Id rather hang out with females, they seem to feel the same about me too, Ive always been pretty lucky with the ladies, I seem to be one of those guys whom most girls like and hit it off with them right away. I also dont feel like my complete self without some type of opiate in my system and when I do have a conversation with someone, its tough for me to act like Im interested or even care about what they are saying, instead, Im usually thinking about ways I can quickly come up with $100, and/or how I can manipulate that person to loan or give me cash.

The problem is ever since Ive been a heavy drug user, I still do favor hanging out, and talking to females, its just I dont really care either way now...If Ive used recently, Im good, but if I havent used in awhile or in full blown w/d, I have no interest in talking to anyone, female or male! I really think during these rough times, even if the hottest girl Ive ever seen undressed in front of me, gave me a nice lap dance, etc. I dont think Id be interested, I would be more interested in finding H or using it...that is definitely one of the negatives of opiates, I used to have a pretty healthy sex life, dated alot of girls, loved to meet new girls as often as I could, but ever since Ive using heavily, I lost all interest in sex and dont care if I ever have it again..dope trumps sex anyday for me...deep down, I HATE this though, but the way my brain works now...dope is more important...sad way to live life imo, but cant manage to make the change either like so many others on here.

Fizz,
For me what it really worked was methadone as you have opiates in your body working for you, although you don´t get high.
Once you´ve gone baby steps towards this direction, or subs, it should not be as difficult. Actually it´s difficult to control the doses, but easier to deal with cravings when you get stable.
I know you have tried that and it did not work. But you try again!
There are some people who actually feel a little buzz from subs. And from my experience you will have much more freedom in life.
Everyone wants to be free of addiction. Of course heroin is lovable after all you have reached the limit of satisfaction.
But there are other things like being free and not "employed by heroin" like my friend Smoky would say.
You can sent a PM to me anytime. Remember that I have been through this, for years and years, so I believe I know what you are experiencing.
All the best!

 

[lazylazyjoe]

Everyone wants to be free of addiction

So not true. I love being addicted.

 

[Erikmen]

If you are rich, don´t care about your beloved ones, and don´t mind getting older. feeling sick as we speak that´s probably besides the point.
But now or in a near future this will come back to you quite negatively as I have been seeing here everyday.

 

[lazylazyjoe]

^Mostly just a semantical correction. You just gave atleast 3 conditions that could invalidate the statement.
I hate statements that are 100% inclusive or exclusive.