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ADDICTS: Are you livin a secret double life? Secret addiction? Post here

swim has an addiction that is pretty much secret to everyone. It started 7 years ago when swim's now fiancé and him were heroin addicts for about a year. Going down to D town to get H. At the time swim was 19 and she was 16. They were shooting it and when she got arrested he vowed to quit with her. Swim and her were on sub for about a year then she was able to get off sub and swim was not as successful. Swim started to supplement pills with the sub in small amounts. Swim's gf took a few here and there but now however she will not take them at all. Swim ran out of sub and has tried to quit many times. Swim has friends that know he takes opiates and he has friends that sometimes get/give pills. About 3 people know of the fact that swim is still using some form of opiate. No family, no extended friends. However, all of these people think swim is taking FAR less than he is. He is actually taking 8-12 norco per day depending on what is available. He has done H a few times since before. His family all thinks he is clean and a prime example of a "recovered addict" or as much as one can be. He says he feels amazing even talking about all of this but still feels guilty every time someone says they are proud of what he is now. Swim wants to stop at some point, but keeps pushing it back sometimes for a month before revisiting sometimes 6 months. He has probably spent 2 months opiate-less in the past 5 years. Reply welcomed always but more just a release.

On a side note, one may enjoy the video for the song "hero" by Family of the Year. swim would like to hear how some people enjoy it in a similar situation. For swim, it very much so hits home.
 
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I most definitely have had a double/secret life...and it's been going on ever since I started doing"harder" drugs than my friends (at the time) approved of. This was back in my late teens/early 20's, a decade ago, when doing coke or E every wknd was totally cool and ok, but meth was "crossing a line" and opiates, well...no one did opiates. I literally never thought I would either. But things happened, and I discovered that not only did I like experimentation with different substances, I also liked pushing limits. There is such stigma when it comes to so-called hard drug use/abuse, that sustaining such use while still maintaining a healthy/attractive appearance, holding down a good job, and so on, begin to seem like the ultimate challenge. And that was actually kinda fun for awhile, tbh. I had the friends I would get high with, and then the friends who had NO idea that I would ever do meth daily/shoot heroin and morphine/do stuff like K and GHB, etc. I kept the two groups separate without too much trouble, and all was good for quite a while.

However, as time has gone on, the "double life" thing has gradually gone from being a diverting kind of experiment, to more of a hindrance in the pursuit of real relationships and happiness...at least in my case. I do not judge what works for others, and hey, it worked for me for a LONG time. It's just that now in my early 30's, I find myself really wanting to be able to tell the whole truth about my life/choices with my family, friends, and partner. It's no longer fun sneaking out of bed while my BF sleeps to go shoot up in the bathroom...not to mention that a lot of solid potential partners find IV drug use (especially at this stage in the game) a big issue. Like, if I told the guy I'm currently seeing about some of my habits, he would be phoning rehabs and issuing ultimatums, basically having a textbook freak out and becoming extremely upset...all he does is smoke weed, so how could he not?

Plus there's the worry that although I've always done well at work, been given positive feedback on my performance, gotten promotions, etc, if anyone saw the tracks on my arms, my credibility would be shot instantly. My family has been exposed to some of my drug issues n stuff, but not most of it by a long shot, bc I live in a different city. I'm planning to move closer to them in the next couple of months...as long as everything goes according to plan. So, i guess that while I once had no issues with leading the "double life", and even enjoyed it at times, at this point i'm kinda over it. Self integration is kind of my goal lately...it would be cool to be able to present the same self, more or less, to everyone in my life. And of course, lies come with a cost too. Right now, there is only one person in my life (my best friend, also addicted to iv opiates) who I can be 100% honest with about what I do.

Just my 2 cents. Great thread, i've actually been thinking about this very issue a lot lately.
 
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Used to...

Got involved with a sugar daddy, who funded my habit. We humped in my early 20's but when he came back to me 20 years later, he was limp, so we just hung out. He'd toss me 300-1,000$ for a night. If I was lucky, he'd pass out, and I'd get more. He was a dentist.

Typical addict behavior...say you're going one place, end up at another.

Online/alter ego..BDSM fun years before 50 Shades made boring housewives get hot flashes.

I'm calm now, doing the right thing. Go to work, come home. Zzz
 
Been IV meth user for a few years now, my family don't know I've tried very hard to make sure that they don't. I almost got caught a few years back when a family member found a bag which had tourniquet and needles, I concocted story that it belonged to a friend,my fault for not being careful. Needless to say I won't be able to use that excuse ever again, it can be hard sometime to cover things up and keep the double life under cover but I'm never going to admit anything to anyone.
I work in public relations pretty cruisy most of the people I work with seem pretty naive but I never let my guard down there either. I've gone to work after no sleep for days and having mega bad comedown, I don't want them to get suss if I start having days off coz I'm too pinged out to go.I'm also very careful about keeping my arms covered so no one notices anything there too.
I've learnt over the years after listening to peoples opinions and comments about drugs to keep my opinions to myself so that I don't incriminate myself - wow you seem to know and awful lot about meth use don't you? A couple of my friends know what I do they don't like it but they accept it.
I would hate it if my parents found out I couldn't imagine the guilt they would probably feel thinking they had done something wrong which isn't true this was my choice and I have to live with it. I hate the way people look down on people like me and being labelled a junkie, drug addict etc, sometimes I think to myself that's it I can't do this anymore, but I always weaken at the thought of having another big shot and getting totally off my head.
this site it the best , its the only place I can open up and talk to other people like me without being judged
 
Yep, I'm in my final year of school and my friends and family have no idea that i'm going through on average 1.5gs coke a day, after school maybe a few lines of ket and some md if i'm going out with out of school friends, who are much older and none of my friends know them! I'm embarrassed to say that i "go to the toilet" several times a day to do lines of coke, and i just don't give a shit. My school friends are all high achieving girls who would never touch marijuana let alone anything else... It means that when i do drugs i do them on my own or with friends away from school. I feel as if i've given up on everything, I don't play sports anymore, I don't hand in my work on time, I get in trouble, I don't care about what I look like. I have never been so unmotivated in my life. I have sold loads of my valuables for money for cocaine, hell even at work i'm rubbing my gums whenever i can. I'm a mess and i couldn't care less right now!
 
I'd also like to add that the c doesn't even give me the high it used to, it's just that without it i feel so shit, i literally need it to feel like a normal human being- is this normal or has my dealer started giving me shitty coke?
 
My closest friends know I recreationally use methylphenidate and benzos, and only one of them knows I ODd once (she was there when I ODd).
Everybody knows I smoke weed, but nobody knows I am a regular weed smoker (almost everyday unless I'm poor lol).
I have the reputation of being a cokehead, because people love to talk shit about me, although I have yet to try cocaine...

Other than that nobody suspects that in my regular escapes to the bathroom I snort methylphenidate and take benzos.

Dr. Opium
 
I am a nurse, and my DOC was heroin. I was a supervisor at the time at a nursing home, no access to narcs and wasn't stealing. I was shooting up in the bathroom though. It was Christmas and we were short staffed. I figured a good day to get a little extra high and be jolly for the residents. Unfortunately, I took too much and was sick and lethargic. I knew I needed to gtfo. I called a very nice nurse in early and bolted out as quick as I could. Luckily I didn't drive that day. I spent the time waiting for her to come in lying down in the physical therapy room with a "stomach ache" and thankfully the other nurse on, was one that didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground. That day was one of the reasons I started suboxone-was over 10 years ago.
 
That´s great. It´s really impossible to live and use h at the same time.
You can manage it for a while only.
At the end I figured everyone knew I was on something, didn´t know what though.
 
How can one not lead a double life in addiction? Lol I certainly had to or I would have been homeless...

New client:
ME:
" Hi, I am so happy to be taking care of your pets in your home and using your kitchen to cook for 2 weeks, walking your dogs daily… and sleeping in your bed "
" Oh, and I use Heroin, is that okay? Still hire me ? "

To tell the truth is to break the lie and stop living the double life.
Is there a different between addiction and a 'secret' addiction? Addiction is secretive. :)
 
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Smoky said:
How can one not lead a double life in addiction?

To tell the truth is to break the lie and stop living the double life.
Is there a different between addiction and a 'secret' addiction?
Click to expand...

Yeah there is definitely a difference, an open addiction typically leads to an intervention and or rehab though

Secret addictions tend to be the functional ones, once you lose control is usually when shit hits the fan
 
Hmmm, good point. I have not thought of it that way.
I guess mine has always been secretive, since I started taking amphs/meth as a kid, to crack, oxy .. then onto Heroin. Not once used openly.. rapid loss of control.
Some alcoholics drink openly at bars nightly, and some carry a flask… Some both.. I was just thinking about that too, for example.

Also, yeah… once one looses control, there is a shift that happens, from substance abuse to dependence…
 
Yes I believe you said it all.
You can display you are on amphs/meth and doing h.
Unless you are prepared to be really confronted and bags ready to go, rehab (?). Or just go out!
God bye to your girlfriend, friends, work, etc.
 
Erikmen said:
I really hope so..
Click to expand...

Well, one of my best friends is who I worked with there at the time.
No one ever said anything
I have gone there as a hospice nurse with no problem.
The only one who doesn't like me is the administrator and that is cuz he is a xenophobe and if you aren't traveling or have traveled to France, where he met his wife, well then you are dog crap
That guy is a piece of work. When I cut my hours back there to go teach part time, he said to me, "I can't believe they hired you as a teacher"
and he would pass out our checks, and look down at mine and say "I can't believe we pay you this" and their rates were the lowest around
 
I suffered a stroke in Sept, so technically I have about 3 month. I'm living with family though, when eventually score, I'm gonna half to all traces, both physical and mental. It especially sucks because those hypocrites drink and smoke constantly and I have hide it.
 
Yeah, odd how the 2 number one killers, alcohol and cigarettes are legal. :\
I'm sorry to hear about your stroke semiazas.
 
Kinda...people at work don't know, my family/friends know I have a problem since I'm on ORT, but I still use other opiates during the month at times, also benzo's more often than I would like to admit. My friends know I use every now and again, but don't know I shoot still, otherwise shit would hit the fan... If your an addict you kinda have to live a double life unless you are surrouned by other addidcts or people that just don't give a fuck you are using.

Edit- I sometimes wonder if people know at work, because another employee lives across from one of my dealers house, so I don't know if she has ever said anything to other people or not...she doesn't use, but her son is hardcore into meth/pills, so she'd be a bitch if she did say anything.
 
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