Letting The Monsters Out

[flippingback]

Hello every one, I'm starting this thread Letting The Monsters Out, because wouldn't it be nice to say what got you where and why, and how you're doing now, but knowing that the other person checking out what you post can't just hit "Like" or put a rude or judgmental comment. That maby the person looking will like to hear, and confront their monster out to. I know some people will be quick to say something mean, or just try to break you down or something that is NOT WHAT I'M STARTING BTW!; So lets all get to know, openly about who, why, and what lead us here, and where we might be going. So if you don't mind to give me a chance, please lets talk bout our monsters, I'll start ok hun.

My Monsters: It all started when I just started to go out and meet people with so called friends when things got bad for me. When I was fifteen I met the most evil guy ever, it started off like every one's first "love" but it quickly wnet south. I was constanly called fat, so I stopped eating, I was always called fat and stupid by my closest family members, but when the man you lay with, htat you try to be intement with says it, so I didnt eat for months, I started drinking, smoking, taking my anxiety meds like candy because he was never happy with me. He began hitting, and had raped me three times. When I finally got the courage and my parents to look at my ribs and the welts he had given me I got rid of him. But it didn't stop there. I still wasnt eating, and lets just say all the boys I dated after were drug dealers, I used coke with one, heroin with another, still gotten beaten, and the last guy raped me like my first boyfriend did. It was so bad one time that I left his house bare foot with just a tank top and sweat pants, you can see the marks on my cheast in my semi formal picture, my dress didnt cover it. I'm not that stupid though, I broke up with all of them as soon as they would hit me, I'd hit them and hit the streets to go home. I started dating girls, what a joke, they were just as bad as the men only they didnt hit me. Then on September 14th 2012 I met someone who was different who dosent use any drugs but smokes buds nd ive never felt like someone loved me till now. Im not eating again though because im so stressd nd have to lose weight for myself nd for him thanks for reading

 

[Captain.Heroin]

welcome to BL

It appears your post is incomplete; I'd love to read the rest. I hope you're doing better darling

 

[Greyhounder]

Hi and sorry to hear all that shit you have been through and glad to hear things are on the mend for you.
Do remember though that you are more than your weight and that you dont have to be anything for anybody but you, be cool and comfortable in your own skin and dont let anyone have any control over how you think about yourself because thats how the bastards get in. I have been fat and I have been thin and it is nobody business but mine. You have been battered and beaten but you didnt break and you came out the other side, thats double tough, you are a warrior, stand tall and hold your head up high cos you dont have to let anyone ever treat you like that again.
I am not good for your thread though as I never had any monsters, I have always done things because I wanted to for fun and to learn, I feed monsters to the dogs for breakfast, if you need to get rid of a few send 'em over here.

 

[jennie76]

Welcome to BL! I hate to hear all the terrible things you have been through. There are a lot of awesome people on here, which I sure you will see soon enough. I like what Greyhounder has said, be comfortable in your own skin. Your weight is no ones business but your own. As long as your happy with yourself, that is all that matters.

I am glad you have found someone who treats you well. You deserve to be treated with respect.

I'm sure you will get some more responses from some of the others. I wish you the best.


Jen

 

[Erikmen]

I think I understand the feeling of posting something and suddenly getting a couple of nasty responses either making fun of you or disqualifying what you have written.
I share this odd feeling with you. In my case, it actually stops me from being more and better because here is the place you should feel relief from sharing, not otherwise.
So, for me, at the moment, I just follow up the posts and answer those who I think I can help somehow. Play words game and try to feel what people are trying to communicate although I´m not that brilliant in my responses.
I believe the title of the thread together with what you said suits a lot of us.
Sometimes people feel too vulnerable, just enough not to expose their feelings and fear. I sometimes have doubts and don´t always post them.

I remember in one of these words game, like say what you are feeling versus whatever, I tried to join but obviously misunderstood the game and not even the moderator had the common sense to give me a hint, instead he shared a ha ha ha moment with a guy who started to make fun of me.
Imagine if I was talking about something more serious like are you are. So my hat´s off to you.

Back to you yes, I´m very sorry for what you have been through. It´s so difficult to read people and sometimes we let go because we are in love and are too naive to predict that companion will be the horrors of your mind and body.

I feel bad when I hear your bad experience, more than once and can only imagine how criminal and devilish such acts are.

As I understand, it seems that you are better now. Remember that you are much more than your weight and looks. That only means something unless it bothers you or your health. I believe we deserve respect. So be grateful for what you are.
I think everyone can be brilliant without having to meet society´s expectations. I´m happy you found someone.

 

[Bamagirl88]

I'm so sorry to hear about your monster....I'll share mine....

when end I was 14 I was really messed up. My home life started to go down the tubes compounded by teenage confusion. So, when my mom and step dad that adopted me couldn't handle me they sent me away....to my real dad....my biological dad was a huge pot guy. He smoked and sold....I never ever knew nothin about drugs....only thing I was around was alcohol my mom drinks hard.... I can remember counting how many joints my dad smoked when I met him...like five or six a day that I saw.... I smoked my first joint and drank first beer at 15......

well, this move really really messed me up...I was bitter angry and bad....instead of helping me my parents passed me around....I felt like I was garbage...easily disposed of..and my adopted dad was mean and strict my real dad let me do lots of things..very very confusing....

fast forward til im 17...just before I was 18 I caught my dad and step mom smoking crack.....bad bad situation...because I wanted the hell out of there, I was looking to move out...and because I didn't feel love or other stuff I was a mess and attracted the wrong sort of people...I met a guy who was older than me...I was 18 and he was 25. Well, we went out a few times and because I was bored, didn't know people in my dads town, he moved....I would hang out with this guy....
one night he brought some coke with him and I tried it. I didn't know what power that was then, figured if my dad and step mom did it it couldn't be that bad....so I tried it. What a feeling,

because of of all the crazy that comes with drugs, my home life was no good. My dad kicked me out with no where to go because my step mom accused me of stealing things...that I didn't steal...I had no where to go...but, that great guy I was hanging with took me in....and because he was so different, and said things I liked hearing and gave me drugs...well....I went for it.... Before I knew what hit me I was a full blown coke head...and, then his true colors came out....I had to go to work....he turned me out....

I got busted, he got busted but I stayed with him...I wouldn't even snitch...
he got busted again....and me too...but I stayed....then, it got really bad. He would get violent and beat the crap out of me and I took it as long as there was drugs...I tolerated a lot.....just for coke.
after I went to court and was put on probation I couldn't hook no more...had to have a job...I started dancing at a strip club. Yes, I did...at least it was a job right? Well, one day that guy just disappeared. So I was free....I still stripped and did coke but was getting really tired of this....

i met met a very good looking man at my strip joint one night...I was so drunk and high..we just talked, and I really liked him...he was a nice guy and good looking. I wanted to go out with him to breakfast...well, we didn't go out that night but we did make plans for another night....basically I just wanted a booty call...he was only gonna be in Tampa for a month or so, and me with my whole situation didn't want a boyfriend or any relationship....we hooked up, and because we got along we kept going out....he bought me coke one night, and I cried about my whole mess.....he told me he understood what I was going thru with the coke and wanted to help me...I really wanted to quit....he told me if I hung out with him for the month he was in town and did everything he said he could help me stop because he quit coke....I agreed.

he paid all my bills, I didn't ask him too....I was not a gold digger...and I'm a stripper? WTF? Right? Durring that month we fell in love...fast....I told him the whole story...everything. He accepted me for me....didn't beat me, took care of me....helped me.

because the apartment I was living in wasn't in my name, It was in that dickheads name...the guy who turned me out, got ,e busted, he wanted me out of there. We found a new place for me...and j being the kind man he was paid three months rent up front to get me going..so I wouldn't have to strip. I wanted to start over get away from the drug sene. Yes, he stayed in Tampa. Yes, we moved in together. Yes I got clean...

and yes yes we are still together. Two kids and married.

we came to Al to visit his family in 2003 from Florida. He was hit head on. He almost died on me. In the hospital with 22 broken bones and internal injuries he saved me a Roxie 30. We didn't know what pills do.....I fell in love with that Roxie. Whew. Best buzz I ever had.......and that's how my pill addiction started....

i dont know if this is a monster. It's really tragic. My tradigidy started in 2003 with hubby's wreck. The wreck is the monster really....

now ow my hubby is a full blown pill head and so am I......so there you go....and that's just chapter one of the monster mess

 

[jennie76]

I'm so sorry to hear the story of your monster Bamagirl88. I have to agree with you completely. I was in a very bad accident early last year & it is also my monster. It took so much from me & gave me things I never ever wanted or could even dream of in this lifetime. It changed my whole life & I feel that I will never be able to put my life back together again. I would explain further, but I'm sure some people are tired of hearing it. It is all laid out in my blog & a little piece is in my bio if you are intrested.

You guys are so brave & obviously very strong women. I admire that in you both flippingback & Bamagirl! Keep your head help high & be proud of yourselves. You guys are true survivors!

I hope that no one on here is mean, rude, or judgmental towards you guys & your stories. Everyone here has some kind of problems. That is what led us all to the place. I really hope everyone is respectful towards you guys, at least through out this post. I know some of the threads can be brutal, if you are brave enough to post in them, like the lounge. So just be leery of some of those threads. However there are also some really awesome people on here. My friend Erikmen, who posted above in this thread is one of the awesome ones.

 

[Erikmen]

Thanks Jen for your kind words and for always being so present and prompt to help those who need support.
Your history is compelling and I have a great respect for you. It´s admirable how you have coped with your tragic accident and still is.
As always, I send all my positive thoughts from my heart hoping that you get better in every minute of your life.
It might take sometime, but you are healing. It might seem slower than you want but it´s how life progresses I guess.
You will get stronger with this and I deeply wish you all the best.

I see strong women here. And I see Banagirl88 being one of them.
After all you have displayed great courage and came here with all sincerity and courage too. I imagine how far you have gone with all disappointed facts you have been through and your overcome. The way you dealt with your life when you were forced to leave your own home, all the effort you did to quite coke.
And how you learnt to chose the right people to surround you. Now you have kids and that´s wonderful.
I believe I understand what you are going through with the pills and how much they can consume your life sometimes.
I´ve been there and at some point it´s hard to believe it´s possible to deal with it.
Maybe now and here may not be the right place to share the possibilities of coping with that but believe me, it´s possible. There are good medication you can choose to take to avoid the addiction. Suboxone, methadone, maybe freedom for you and your husband. It does not have to be through these meds, it´s just one of the exits.
Think about it and all the life you have ahead. It was possible with coke and it could also be with the pills too. My best wishes to you.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I am i mett someone who was different who dosent use any drugs but smokes buds nd ive never felt like someone loved me till now. Im not eating again though because im so stressd nd have to lose weight for myself nd for him thanks for reading

It's better to eat healthily and exercise

Our bodies need nutrients to keep a high metabolism.

I'm really happy to hear you found someone better, much peace and love

I'm so sorry to hear about your monster....I'll share mine....

when end I was 14 I was really messed up. My home life started to go down the tubes compounded by teenage confusion. So, when my mom and step dad that adopted me couldn't handle me they sent me away....to my real dad....my biological dad was a huge pot guy. He smoked and sold....I never ever knew nothin about drugs....only thing I was around was alcohol my mom drinks hard.... I can remember counting how many joints my dad smoked when I met him...like five or six a day that I saw.... I smoked my first joint and drank first beer at 15......

well, this move really really messed me up...I was bitter angry and bad....instead of helping me my parents passed me around....I felt like I was garbage...easily disposed of..and my adopted dad was mean and strict my real dad let me do lots of things..very very confusing....

fast forward til im 17...just before I was 18 I caught my dad and step mom smoking crack.....bad bad situation...because I wanted the hell out of there, I was looking to move out...and because I didn't feel love or other stuff I was a mess and attracted the wrong sort of people...I met a guy who was older than me...I was 18 and he was 25. Well, we went out a few times and because I was bored, didn't know people in my dads town, he moved....I would hang out with this guy....
one night he brought some coke with him and I tried it. I didn't know what power that was then, figured if my dad and step mom did it it couldn't be that bad....so I tried it. What a feeling,

because of of all the crazy that comes with drugs, my home life was no good. My dad kicked me out with no where to go because my step mom accused me of stealing things...that I didn't steal...I had no where to go...but, that great guy I was hanging with took me in....and because he was so different, and said things I liked hearing and gave me drugs...well....I went for it.... Before I knew what hit me I was a full blown coke head...and, then his true colors came out....I had to go to work....he turned me out....

I got busted, he got busted but I stayed with him...I wouldn't even snitch...
he got busted again....and me too...but I stayed....then, it got really bad. He would get violent and beat the crap out of me and I took it as long as there was drugs...I tolerated a lot.....just for coke.
after I went to court and was put on probation I couldn't hook no more...had to have a job...I started dancing at a strip club. Yes, I did...at least it was a job right? Well, one day that guy just disappeared. So I was free....I still stripped and did coke but was getting really tired of this....

i met met a very good looking man at my strip joint one night...I was so drunk and high..we just talked, and I really liked him...he was a nice guy and good looking. I wanted to go out with him to breakfast...well, we didn't go out that night but we did make plans for another night....basically I just wanted a booty call...he was only gonna be in Tampa for a month or so, and me with my whole situation didn't want a boyfriend or any relationship....we hooked up, and because we got along we kept going out....he bought me coke one night, and I cried about my whole mess.....he told me he understood what I was going thru with the coke and wanted to help me...I really wanted to quit....he told me if I hung out with him for the month he was in town and did everything he said he could help me stop because he quit coke....I agreed.

he paid all my bills, I didn't ask him too....I was not a gold digger...and I'm a stripper? WTF? Right? Durring that month we fell in love...fast....I told him the whole story...everything. He accepted me for me....didn't beat me, took care of me....helped me.

because the apartment I was living in wasn't in my name, It was in that dickheads name...the guy who turned me out, got ,e busted, he wanted me out of there. We found a new place for me...and j being the kind man he was paid three months rent up front to get me going..so I wouldn't have to strip. I wanted to start over get away from the drug sene. Yes, he stayed in Tampa. Yes, we moved in together. Yes I got clean...

and yes yes we are still together. Two kids and married.

we came to Al to visit his family in 2003 from Florida. He was hit head on. He almost died on me. In the hospital with 22 broken bones and internal injuries he saved me a Roxie 30. We didn't know what pills do.....I fell in love with that Roxie. Whew. Best buzz I ever had.......and that's how my pill addiction started....

i dont know if this is a monster. It's really tragic. My tradigidy started in 2003 with hubby's wreck. The wreck is the monster really....

now ow my hubby is a full blown pill head and so am I......so there you go....and that's just chapter one of the monster mess

I'm so sorry to hear about the horrible things you've gone through

 

[flippingback]

Love that what i started has us all comeing together, love how stronge yall are, addmitting your fears, wronges, letting the pain out, even if its online, yall will feel better, keep looking foward, we are only victims if we let our selfs be, we are more then that,more then our past. Be safe love yall

 

[angeleyes]

It's really cool to see this thread has brought some people together and share some intense stuff. It's a bit late right now but tomorrow I'll hit up a tale and my advice to those who would like to know.

 

[jennie76]

It's really cool to see this thread has brought some people together and share some intense stuff. It's a bit late right now but tomorrow I'll hit up a tale and my advice to those who would like to know.

This has been a really great thread. I think we all have enjoyed sharing some of our stories & listening to each others. I would love to hear your story & any advice you may have to offer tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.

Jen

 

[Smoky]

Hi Flippingback,

Thank you for starting this thread.
I identify and embrace with your experience. I'm sorry you have gone through this… You seem to have gained a lot of insight…
Growing up my family didn't know how to communicate well, and their parents didn't either. Faulty conditioning was passed down for generations… I thought this was normal though, and how one should be treated.
Walking in the door, grandpa wouldn't even look at us and he would say things like " putting on some weight, you look fat? " -- or " not eating? you look like a skeleton"
Funny thing is (I realized later) he was insecure, and very unhappy. He never even looked at us kids. He just had to say something as people entered the door.A lot of his own projections and internalized shame/blame passed onto us, including his son, my dad. Putting people down is how love was expressed.

Thus I was attracted to folks that were unkind, as it was familiar and so called, 'normal' to me as it sparked a feeling of shame and confirmed what I was told. Folks that were too nice, and or/not addicts like me, or non violent or unexciting ….down the road .. I didn't care for and were boring to be around (I thought then). I met many many monsters on my journey, even let them live in my apartment and threaten my life… I also carried one within me, a monster. She still comes out a little but is also a bit gentler.

Becoming vulnerable has always been so difficult as my expectations when asking for help was to get judged for asking. I don't resent my dad, I love him now. I do have a hard time though wishing he could be happy and not so angry, explosive and alcoholic. I do know I can't change him, so I do my best to just love my family… but do need to keep my distance somewhat… to stay healthy… and not regress when they are around. My dad used to lock me in the trunk and closet! He was very sadistic, and killed animals. His father, my grandpa used to beat him daily. Knowing this helps me forgive him…

I might add more later on about the relationships types I have been with early in life similar to my parental units… and what I went through. My loving monsters.
What a perfect title.

It's really awesome you have taken care of yourself and found someone healthy, caring and loving it seems. We all deserve the best, sometimes it takes a lot longer to understand this. I guess it did for me, and still learning but I'm grateful to still be around… knowing I made it out of a place I thought I never would.

My parents do love me too, they just don't know how to express it, as they never learned. They did the best they could. I can't find that love through another today either, I do know that.. and must find it in myself..