Dealing with guilt

[blahman8000]

In 2012, for some reason, certain things that my father did came to mind. I have resented him ever since. These aren't false memories that I was misled to believe. It's odd, but I always knew them, and yet never realized them. They were blocked out, in a way. Recently I had to move back in with my parents, over the summer, because I could no longer pay my rent. For some time, my anger came out at my father, verbally. I said awful things and I'm having a difficult time handling the guilt over it. So most of the time these past couple of months, I've tried to be as nice as I can. A lot of this was while I was under the influence of alcohol and drugs.

The guilt has become overwhelming. I feel so bad about myself that I can't seem to function anymore. It's been days since I've had an actual meal. I just don't have an appetite anymore. It's been over a week since I've showered. I just feel awful all the time, and I'm having difficulty living with myself. I don't know if this will ever stop. I buy food for my family now (with food stamps, but it's something) and I'm constantly trying to be nice, and I'm full of apologies. I'm doing everything I can. I even once threatened to kill my father. I don't think I'd ever lay a finger on him, but that's an unforgettable and terrible thing. But there is this battle of anger and guilt. I first moved out in October of 2012 and initially lived in a homeless shelter, as a result of what I remembered. Moving back here apparently brought that all back. I've said unforgivable things. I'm thinking of going back out on the streets. I'm having a very difficult time since I've moved back. I truly do not know if I will be able to live like this.

My dad has done a number of good things for me, too. And I feel bad for my mom for having to witness it. I feel like a horrible person, an imposition, and a vexation. I wish I had never moved back. The option I'm considering is detox (for the millionth time) and then 90 day residential rehab (for the first time), as soon as I straighten out my health insurance. That way maybe I can get healthy, get sober, resolve some issues, and leave with a clear head. And that way I wouldn't be a bother to anyone. Because without any help, if I can't find a way to feel better, I don't have any business staying alive. Unfortunately, since I've had these thoughts, they've taken on a spiritual significance. I consider myself agnostic, but as suicide becomes more and more real to me, I've begun worrying about hell. Sometimes I wonder if I belong there anyway.

 

[VitamaN]

Hey, if you feel guilt, that's your "punishment" weather you deserve it or not...so why would you go to hell when here you are punishing yourself on earth? I don't believe in hell its just my thoughts. I had an abusive father but now as an adult he treats me really well. I struggled too. I wanted him dead when I was young.
I'm grateful that we have a good father/son relationship and we were able to leave the damage in the past. Because you CAN heal.
I think about suicide every day so you're not alone there... but I think you know it's a bad idea. I don't even have to tell you why. You know why.

 

[bcfly7x7]

Sup blahman,

So here is my take, and do what you like with it. While I don't know what your dad did, it obviously cuts deep.

Vit is right here, your punishment is guilt. However, I have an answer for you. You need to confront your dad and talk with him. Tell him why you feel the way you do. You need to do this to move forward, living on the streets is no answer.

Once you talk and explain why you said the things you did, a huge weight will be lifted. DON'T DO THIS HIGH!!! As much pain and memories it brings back, you need to feel that, realize you're still a person.

After and only after you do this, then go through detox and the inpatient. This way a major issue will be addressed before treatment. Mentally this will help you out. Plus you'll feel more free to talk about it with others that will bring great healing.

Suicide is not an option, is a cop out for weak people. You're not weak, just going through this. Weak people don't post shit like you just did, because their to scared to ask others for help. Hang in there man.

Sincerely,

Bob

 

[CosmicG]

I am with Bob one hundred percent on this one. It will get better buddy I promise. Especially when it comes to family. Keep doing the best you can in making ammends by simply being there for your dad. I have had such similar experiences in hurting my loved ones, and every time I think about the menories it is like reliving them. The only thing that seems to bring me any peace of mind at all after my past is to do what you are already doing. Your father will forgive you and time will heal you. Get residential help if you feel it is necessary. I have been there several times and although I cannot say I remained clean after these experiences that does not mean you can not. And they were sone of the best times of my life, meeting so many amazing people I could have never met otherwise. Family is everything and in the end the only thing we have got. Unconditional love conquers all.

 

[blahman8000]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the advice and you're definitely making good sense. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to confront him entirely about this. When I left in October 2012, I strongly alluded to it, to both of my parents, but could not bring myself to say what really happened. I don't know if I can ever do that. It would tear apart my family. My father would certainly deny it, as he has, and my mother wouldn't even believe me. I'd be a pariah. But I do know the truth. I think that if I do try to speak to him about what actually happened, it can only be after I get well in treatment. Otherwise, I might feel even worse afterwards. Maybe after 3 months being away from my parents, and after treatment, figuring things out, and being sober, I can explain myself and just leave and not come back.

But then I feel bad all over again. Because what if my siblings have children? Wouldn't it be the right thing to warn them that I'm pretty sure our father is a pervert? Yet I know if I did, I'd be cast away and nobody would ever believe me. I would be hated and things would only get worse, not just for me but for everyone. But these are people's lives and I don't want someone else living with this.

Edit: I want to be clear that by my use of the word "pervert," I don't mean that to be offensive to anyone who has done nothing wrong. I'm talking about people who have harmed children that way, or people who have assaulted others that way.

 

[edgewise1]

Just remember, only your father can forgive you, and ònly YOU can forgive yourself. Once he has said that he accepts, then you need to let yourself off the hook. You can explain yourself to death, but until you truly express that you are sorry then it is worth nothing. Then remember how you felt and don't FUCKING forget!!

Ok, wrote this without reading your last post. That's some heavy shit, and I am sorry that you had to go through that. That said, you are still faced with the same decision of whether to forgive or not and if you forgive then you have done your part and you have no reason to feel guilty!

 

[blahman8000]

But how do you forgive somebody who has no will to apologize, or even admit what he did wrong? If I simply told him, "I forgive you," he'd say, "What for?" He'd get pissed off that I'd suggest he did something wrong. I was thinking about this fairly recently. Can you forgive somebody who will never apologize or acknowledge their wrongdoings? Could healing ever take place this way?

Every single day I agonize and obsess. Every day it is something. I wake up sober and I'm shaking, crying, hating myself. Only substances seem to help. I honestly find that the only way to relieve this are alcohol and drugs.

I've taken to drinking cooking wine. I have no money but I can use food stamps for cooking wine. That means everyone on here who is paying taxes, I am totally ripping you off because I currently don't work and can't find a way to exist without something extra running through my blood. I need to pour it down my throat, snort it, swallow it. I cannot deal with my own conscience. Every unit of time feels like an eternity without being inebriated. Tomorrow it will be something else. Hell, it is tomorrow. Here it is, Wednesday morning. I'm better off with more alcohol and perpetually drinking. Never again waking up, just drinking and remaining stationary.

 

[Azure Cloud]

You forgive him to save yourself. It doesn't matter if he knows or acknowledges your forgiveness. You do it for yourself, so you do not have to carry this weight in your heart anymore.

 

[VitamaN]

Alcohol has a serious emotional instability property and definitely contributes to those suicidal thoughts.
I do opiates - no self harm thoughts... just energy and functionality (junkie)
I drink - I cry... I think about shooting myself in the head . Alcohol is no joke. It's a hardcore drug and it has a serious way of turning on its user in a flash

 

[legalizeall]

You forgive him to save yourself. It doesn't matter if he knows or acknowledges your forgiveness. You do it for yourself, so you do not have to carry this weight in your heart anymore.

This is your answer. Write this down or just remember it but this is how to look at it. Its the only way you can move forward with your life. Its on him what he does with the forgiveness and not your worry. Release from what your feeling will happen when you have truly done this. Cause if you dont, that resentment will get so big and so destructive, you wont know what to do.

 

[edgewise1]

Azure nailed it. It does not matter one iota if he accepts it. YOU do this for YOU, and then let it go as the ball is in his court! And that is the important piece. Let it go and get on with your life.

You know, when he faces his own mortality, when he is on his death bed, he just may accept your forgiveness.

 

[blahman8000]

I'm going to take the bus to the hospital in a bit. Thank you everyone for your compassion and advice. I just can't get through life this way.

 

[fizzymk]

In 2012, for some reason, certain things that my father did came to mind. I have resented him ever since. These aren't false memories that I was misled to believe. It's odd, but I always knew them, and yet never realized them. They were blocked out, in a way. Recently I had to move back in with my parents, over the summer, because I could no longer pay my rent. For some time, my anger came out at my father, verbally. I said awful things and I'm having a difficult time handling the guilt over it. So most of the time these past couple of months, I've tried to be as nice as I can. A lot of this was while I was under the influence of alcohol and drugs.

The guilt has become overwhelming. I feel so bad about myself that I can't seem to function anymore. It's been days since I've had an actual meal. I just don't have an appetite anymore. It's been over a week since I've showered. I just feel awful all the time, and I'm having difficulty living with myself. I don't know if this will ever stop. I buy food for my family now (with food stamps, but it's something) and I'm constantly trying to be nice, and I'm full of apologies. I'm doing everything I can. I even once threatened to kill my father. I don't think I'd ever lay a finger on him, but that's an unforgettable and terrible thing. But there is this battle of anger and guilt. I first moved out in October of 2012 and initially lived in a homeless shelter, as a result of what I remembered. Moving back here apparently brought that all back. I've said unforgivable things. I'm thinking of going back out on the streets. I'm having a very difficult time since I've moved back. I truly do not know if I will be able to live like this.

My dad has done a number of good things for me, too. And I feel bad for my mom for having to witness it. I feel like a horrible person, an imposition, and a vexation. I wish I had never moved back. The option I'm considering is detox (for the millionth time) and then 90 day residential rehab (for the first time), as soon as I straighten out my health insurance. That way maybe I can get healthy, get sober, resolve some issues, and leave with a clear head. And that way I wouldn't be a bother to anyone. Because without any help, if I can't find a way to feel better, I don't have any business staying alive. Unfortunately, since I've had these thoughts, they've taken on a spiritual significance. I consider myself agnostic, but as suicide becomes more and more real to me, I've begun worrying about hell. Sometimes I wonder if I belong there anyway.

Im in a similar situation, I live in a house my dad owns, Im supposed to pay rent here, but since I was discharged from my pain mgt doctor and cut off methadone, which Ive been on for over 8 yrs now, since then Ive been binging on heroin, spending most of my money on it too, I owe so many people money right now, I doubt I will ever be able to pay them all back, the bad thing, 98% of the money went to dope!

Ive been thinking suicide as well...I just dont think I can live a sober life, and anytime I get any amount of money in my wallet, I KNOW exactly where its going, I cannot control it anymore. My family is catholic and I went to catholic school up until 7th grade, but I have never really been a religious person, however my ex-wife told me something that has kept me from doing it...she asked me how I knew death would solve my problem, and it could end up being worse, or in a very bad place if I go thru with it. Im not really sure what I believe in regarding the afterlife, but imo,its quite the gamble since once you are dead, there is NO going back, so you are stuck wherever you end up. Plus Ive known someone who had a NDE and it was not the peaceful, glowing light most people see, you can read the detail in my post on this board about NDEs.

W/ds and other life problems we have to go thru are pretty bad, but NO ONE here knows what happens at death, especially when you die from suicide. In the end, it doesnt matter what we believe in or dont believe in, we WILL have accept whatever happens at death, just because we dont believe in something or another, does NOT mean it doesnt exist!

 

[Erikmen]

I saw that you wanted to commit suicide. And when I hear that I have to share that you may not end up in a place better than here. We don´t know, by not knowing you may risk any other solutions. It´s gonna be you and maybe only you.
I´m not that religious but have also seen people not succeeding and waking up incapable, some with serious life limitations.
It´s a gamble you make and that´s no turning back.
I truly think you are better off here or with someone you meet, whatever calms you down will probably appear in your scenario.
Hope I could help. If you want to send me a PM.

 

[blahman8000]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm back from the hospital. I feel even more guilt now, because they got me through withdrawals and it took me two hours out of the hospital to get right back to drinking and getting high. It took me a few hours of independence to spend money I don't have and give up on sobriety. I just don't know how to do it.

I'm pretty sure I belong in the hospital. They ended up transferring me in an ambulance to a psych ward. Not for psychiatric treatment, but for detox. There was a bed available. But I certainly needed and do need psychiatric treatment. I have an appointment with someone in a few days. Some kind of counselor. Not sure how to do these things. Do I just spill all my problems on the spot? Will it make me feel any better? I've been through therapy and it didn't do a damn thing for me. I ended up just bullshitting with the guy. Hell, I don't even know how to come up with the bus money to get there. If I told the guy how pathetic I am, I don't suppose he'd even believe it.

Very odd how I'm often known as the guy who makes people laugh (if I'm willing to talk), but I can't remember the last time I've said a single happy thing when it gets personal.

 

[Xorkoth]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Therapy is a personal thing, and it takes finding a good therapist you can mesh with and be honest with. When I quit opiates I found a good therapist who I am still seeing every other week (just saw her today), I am totally honest with her and she's helped me a lot. I really enjoy going to see her. Therapists are like anyone else, there are good ones, shitty ones, and ones that aren't shitty but that you just don't click with. I think you're using drugs to cover up an immense amount of unresolved pain, and this is exactly the type of thing a good therapist can help you with. I think it could be extremely beneficial for you, to the point of helping to turn your life around. Therapy is very useful for dealing with unresolved issues and pain, which IMO is the main issue you're experiencing right now. The addiction is a symptom, rather than a cause.

The key to therapy is to be completely honest... otherwise it's not doing you any good. You don't need to just immediately spill everything, but be honest with the therapist. If they aren't responding well to you, then find another who will.

And using humor to cover up your own hurt is a classic thing... many people use that tactic. My best friend is like that too. Oftentimes the funniest people hurt the most inside.

 

[Maya]

I was the black sheep in the family. I rebelled pretty much from college to mid twenties because i thought i was proving a point: I am an adult and you dont really understand me or how i feel and are always scolding me so im going to be stubborn and do whatever the fuck i want up until that horrible 2012 drug reaction. My dad was the person who has helped me the most. I am thankful for everything he has done for me and i love him and now dont ever want to lose him.

Sometimes, it's not the mistakes that they hold against you, it's how you will change. People are not perfect and will make mistakes but if you work hard on dealing with your problems and showing to your dad that you can turn your life around im pretty sure he will be proud of you. I can see that my dad is happy with how my life is now, working hard, paying my debt and just slowly turning my life around and be a better person.

 

[blahman8000]

Thank you for your feedback, guys. I've just been in a very bad spot for a while and all that seems to help is alcohol or drugs. However I know that the use of such substances only makes matters worse for me. I mean, I've got to sound so self-absorbed right now just by obsessing over this misery. But it won't seem to leave me alone.

I'm considering going back to the psych ward. I've got no money and I know withdrawals are coming my way not long from now, and the sadness and guilt has gotten way past overwhelming. The alcohol puts a bit of that to rest occasionally, and other times it magnifies it. I mean, I feel bad for posting this. It's ridiculous that I'm this unhappy of an individual yet can't cope with the idea of just pulling the trigger on myself. What's ridiculous is that if there was someone else who was considering the same thing, I'd try to talk them off the ledge, so to speak. But I'm losing it, everyone. I am totally losing my mind. It's just too much. At this point, this is way too much. I cannot deal with it. But I'm still a step away from these methods of suicide. I wouldn't mind waking up dead, but I can't think of a way that's painless enough. I've had respiratory issues my whole life, so slitting my own throat is a no, because I don't want to know what happens from that. I've considered trying to find a way to get a bullet in my head, but I'm too worried about my loved ones having to discover me that way. Plus I just don't own a gun. I guess what makes the most sense, other than not being a coward and just keep on living, is to intentionally OD. I've been pretty close and it wasn't so bad because I wasn't conscious or lucid enough to really get the full experience. I don't mean in a suicide attempt, but just having taken too many drugs at once. The cause is death often from sedatives of all sorts is respiratory depression. I know what I just said but I wouldn't be all that conscious to have to deal with it. However (not that I'm the most loved individual), others would have to deal with it afterwards. There's a whole world that doesn't end when my life does. I can't say I fully believe in hell, but I wonder if it does exist, if it's worse than this life I'm in. Because I can't lie to you guys, I've got enough pain in my head that maybe that'll be enough to cause me to drop dead on the spot. The worst part is, others have it worse, I'm sure, and I'm sitting here complaining. But there's a lack of resources in my case to deal at this point. But I'm remaining alive right now. I've got a drink to my left and that's helping me to pull through, and like I said, I just can't think of a suicide method I have access to that I'm okay with. Nor am I okay with the aftermath I'd leave behind. It's mindboggling, every second of the day hurts me, mentally. But my only choice is to live.

So that's pretty much the sum of it. Again, I appreciate all you guys for your advice and feedback. I'm telling you, I am straight up losing it, I am broken. I am not lying. It's gotten too bad. However there seems to be little choice but to remain here, so I've got to consider other options rather than death. Such as returning to the hospital. It wasn't pleasant being there but they'll be able to get me sober, and if I'm clear as day about what's happening, maybe they've got a kind of medication that will take this feeling away. There's a short term psychiatric treatment facility nearby, and there are long term ones. I think if I enter one voluntarily, I can leave whenever I please. I'm just saying, every single day gets so much worse, that I've got no clue what tomorrow will bring. But I doubt I'll be ready for it.

 

[Lolie]

A psych ward sounds like a good idea at the moment. Once the initial relief at being sheltered from the world wears off, you're probably not going to like being in a psych ward much but try not to let them discharge you without really good follow up resources in place.

Your best option is going straight from an acute care psych ward to an inpatient facility where you can gain some longer term stability (which may or may not include psych drugs but will definitely include therapy). It's hard to get and remain grounded following short admissions. Getting your shit together often involves focusing on getting better to the exclusion of all else and it can be really hard to do that in your usual environment and using "bandaid" resources.

You can ask the psych ward to help you put together the most appropriate resources for long term care. Ideally, you want to avoid having to return to the community before a place becomes available in a medium/long term facility. You've got problems which are going to take longer than a week or two to address, and I guess you need to be honest with yourself about how committed you are to fixing them.

I wouldn't even try to address your family relationships until your substance and mental health issues are being well managed. Your judgement is hugely impaired right now and decisions about whether to try to heal family relationships or to let them go entirely are best left until you're in a much better mental and emotional state. There are no quick fixes, but if you commit yourself to getting the mental health care you need and you honour that commitment, your life can be very different 12 months from now. Nothing can make it better all at once though - which is why what happens after an acute care admission is so important. It sounds like some kind of staged care might be best for you, so that your progression from acute care back to independent living happens over a period of many months or even a couple of years. Don't try to half ass this, or you'll find yourself back in the same place many times.

 

[fizzymk]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm back from the hospital. I feel even more guilt now, because they got me through withdrawals and it took me two hours out of the hospital to get right back to drinking and getting high. It took me a few hours of independence to spend money I don't have and give up on sobriety. I just don't know how to do it.

I'm pretty sure I belong in the hospital. They ended up transferring me in an ambulance to a psych ward. Not for psychiatric treatment, but for detox. There was a bed available. But I certainly needed and do need psychiatric treatment. I have an appointment with someone in a few days. Some kind of counselor. Not sure how to do these things. Do I just spill all my problems on the spot? Will it make me feel any better? I've been through therapy and it didn't do a damn thing for me. I ended up just bullshitting with the guy. Hell, I don't even know how to come up with the bus money to get there. If I told the guy how pathetic I am, I don't suppose he'd even believe it.

Very odd how I'm often known as the guy who makes people laugh (if I'm willing to talk), but I can't remember the last time I've said a single happy thing when it gets personal.

I can relate to this post so much, its almost scary. Even after almost committing suicide myself last week, after a couple days of w/d, I was seeing things in a different light again, and back to copping dope.

NO rehab or mental unit will work if you, yourself is NOT ready to quit...Personally, I know I need to quit, but I love the big H too much, so im in a bind and probably will be until another major event.

You are not pathetic, the addiction in your brain is causing this, before drugs, you would have NEVER made choices like this, Right now, I will spend my last $40. on dope, comes before bills, food, everything, even though I know Im not getting that much dope, its like ANY amount is SOOOO worth it at the time, all boils down to addiction and it controlling your life.

A friend told me something that I think will help....they told me to 'try and play the record ALL the way thru before using', yeah, its all good when you go out and cop, and have a bag of dope/money, etc. BUT once that dope is gone, the crappy feelings come back, all the people you owe money to, are still there waiting for their money, bills are still there, etc.