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how to not give too much

M

musman69

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 8, 2014
Messages
24
Ok I've recently gotten back together with my ex. We dated for 3 years. Everything thing was great except a few big problems. One of those problems is arising again. So here it is.

My problem is I mainly only do what she wants to do and nothing for myself. I'm a very caring person and love helping people. That's why i always ask what she wants to do or I get her a present because i think she needs it. I'm always thinking of what i can do to please her instead of what I'd like to do. I need help on how to not feel bad if i want to do something that i only like. I also don't like that she doesn't think of things I'd like for us to do. I mean i know she likes horses so i always look for horse shows or rodeo things.

I just want to know how to be able to accept something joyful for me instead of always her.
 
You have to accept that you are not genuinely a very caring person that loves helping people. You're more like a parent of a spoilt child or an enabler for an addict. You do things that may not be in the other person's long-term interest because it gives you an instant "love" feeling. You are doing the things for your own pleasure, and addicted to that pleasure. And when you get presents that you think the other person needs it's a form of control, a way to diminish her independence by not letting her make choices on the things that she needs.

You need to stop smothering her in this way. There are only two outcomes and neither is good. She might run away again (literally or figuratively into for example drugs). Or you will prevent her from growing to her full potential. Is that what you do to someone you love?
 
@^ i never saw in his post where he said his ex is like a spoilt child or a drug addict, i also dont know why you came to the conclusion the op is not "a very caring person that loves helping people", i think he probably is.

have you tried suggesting that you guys do something that you have a mutual interest in? do you share mutual interests?

that way you don't have to feel like you are being selfish
 
musman69 said:
My problem is I mainly only do what she wants to do and nothing for myself.
I'm a very caring person and love helping people. That's why i always ask what she wants to do or I get her a present because i think she needs it. I'm always thinking of what i can do to please her instead of what I'd like to do. I need help on how to not feel bad if i want to do something that i only like. I also don't like that she doesn't think of things I'd like for us to do. I mean i know she likes horses so i always look for horse shows or rodeo things.
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First of all, don't ask her what she wants to do.. tell her what you two will be doing. I swear that she will appreciate you taking charge.. secondly, don't feel guilty for pursuing your own interests.. she's probably wondering why you don't? Eventually it won't just be your issue because she will see that your life is entirely wrapped up with hers.. and she will lose interest.

Maybe im jumping the gun here, and i apologize in advance. But I guarantee if you show some firm standing, do what you want.. tell her what you two will be doing etc.. she will respond well. Don't let yourself be at the mercy of her every whim.. she will get bored.

I went through something similar with an ex of mine, almost exactly your situation. I ended up giving up my own personal life and becoming wrapped up in hers.. she was initially attracted to me because i was extremely independent and pursued what i wanted, when i gave that up because i became infatuated with her over time.. she lost interest.
 
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Mysterie said:
@^ i never saw in his post where he said his ex is like a spoilt child or a drug addict
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I was talking about what he is like, not what she is like.

Mysterie said:
i also dont know why you came to the conclusion the op is not "a very caring person that loves helping people", i think he probably is.
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Because what he thinks he's doing for her he's really doing for himself.
 
421 said:
You have to accept that you are not genuinely a very caring person that loves helping people. You're more like a parent of a spoilt child or an enabler for an addict.
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Just because a person is a nice person doesn't mean that he's like those things.

Anyway, for the OP, plan things to do with your girlfriend that you will enjoy. If you're planning things that she likes, just plan some things that you like as well. Also, maybe try to find some more mutual interests so you're doing things that both of you like.
 
Well when u give it up, the guy has no need for you. I talk with experience. U girls gotta tease the living shiy out of the guy, and have him think that he's going to spend the rest of his life with you.
Hell how do u think grandmom n grandpap made it so long? Yeah i'm sure things were diffrent back then, grandpap did not have iphone 6, or any of that shit..grandmom was looking for a 'man', and after learning from grandmom i foumd out that its not all about looks and shit, its about that paycheck granpap makes.lol

So me wanting to snatch up the hottest chick at the club,library,cafeteria. I got to think like the chick, whats she looking for in a mate, does she see that i make $$ and yet i dont pull out my wallet? Good looks,i may have my hood up and hardhat on.
Lemi say, since i've been out here working for Google,i've made got mad pussy, and it's all casual sex. The girls still have my number and I have theirs still. I try not to make them feel like a hooker, that $100 bill i usually leave with a note telling her i had to go to work says diffrent.

My phone is steady ringing, i ignore it, text them back and say i'm at work and send them a picture of me working, and get a 'ok call me when your getting off' yep I call them when i'm getting off.

Lmao hope this has helped you some, atleast from. Guys side.
 
its like this

no-one respects you if you respect them more than yourself.

romance and being thoughtful is good but once you do a nice thing you need to wait until they do one back before you do the next nice thing because otherwise it is controlling and one sided.

if you are always giving and not getting back, you need to chill for a bit and do your own thing and be more independent mentally
 
It's just as simple as doing it. Do what you want to do ... on your own time, or together. If she gets controlling about it, she's not right for you. You deserve you time and you're a good boyfriend for wanting to do things she wants to do and she should appreciate that.
 
I would agree with most of the others and just say stop being such a white knight and doormat. Don't put her above yourself, try to see each other as equals. I used to think similarly when I was younger because I was never really taught what it meant to be a man and was also spoiled so I can speak from experience. Gifts, compliments and all of that are nice once in a while and as long as it's not one sided, but if it's just constant and seemingly at the expense of yourself that's going to be a turn off for pretty much anyone. I think like someone already said, she's eventually just going to feel smothered and like you don't have any self worth. Man up, don't be afraid to assert your interests and what you would like to do from time to time. She'll think a lot more of you if you're not acting like a pushover with no self esteem.

D's said:
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How does any of what you wrote even have to do with this thread?
 
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