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Seems like we're done

M

mTommd

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 5, 2012
Messages
39
I'm not the most active member of this forum and maybe this part of forum is not the right place so I
apologize in advance...

I'll try to put my mind to this thread and explain what's the deal.

Seems like this weekend was the end for my 5yr relationship.
My dear girlfriend has announced to me that she doesn't know what she want's
and she is currently unable to finally move in and that she needs time.
Time wouldn't be an issue as I really try to understand and look the other side but here is the why not this time...

Our moving in together is an old story where we agreed that once she finishes colleague we will move in indefinitely.
Prior on her colleague completion, she told me that she'll move in during this summer.
Oh, ok i will not make an issue, i'm not happy but summer is fine.
The colleague is over now ( 6 months has passed ), we had a short discussion 4 or 5 months ago about the achieving the plan,
but suddenly summer was not the option as she needs time...

Once again I tried to understand her side as she was working all the time along with the all the colleague thing, but i did
notice that something has changed in her behavior and in general.

Summer has come, we had some nice time for a week in Barcelona. During august we went to Adriatic for a vacation
and i thought that everything will be fine.
Vacation ended and we returned to everyday work routine.
My mind was flowing with questions about living together but i was somewhat scarred to ask anything.
Finally i asked about what kind of shoe lockers and wardrobe cabinet should we buy and i got the answer
that she has a friend who can produce the furniture and we can visit him to express our ideas.

The agreement was that this week we will visit the guys office and the journey will begin...
On saturday she called me that she want's to talk and i was aware that something is not right.
I went to her place and to summarize it, she doesn't know what she wants, she can't move in with me but she does love me and has feelings
but she needs time ( again ).
I was trying to hear the reason, tried to ask what is wrong, what are the reasons but i got none.
We agreed that on sunday we'll had another talk.

I was wrecked as living together was now a fairy tale in a far galaxy.
I went home without even yelling at her nor did i say anything rude.
Saturday passed with tons of questions around my head trying to find myself the reason and i decided to
draw a line as i can't stand the emotional roller coaster. I'm in to find out on what are the reasons
and that i can't accept 'i don't know' as an option. She needs to choose what does she want.
On sunday morning i text ed her that i'm coming over to talk, asked her again about the whole thing and again the same answer.
I pooped questions about does she seeing anyone else and is she trying to break up with me ? Both answers NO !

What the hell then ? Again the same story, and line was drawn from my side where i stated that i want to know
what does she wants now...bam 'I wan't to be alone as i need time, but i can't ask you of that as i know that i could loose you'.
I was screaming inside myself but again no rude words no yelling from my side and asked her that she needs to choose her time alone or us...

Yes, she has chosen the time alone where i said then 'be alone', stood up told her 'good luck' and left...

Well i'm devastated, nervous and full of anger for both and somewhat desperate...

Sorry to bother you with wall of text... :(
 
Well.that blows... However it might be for the best. If she agreed and moved in, then left a week or two later, you'd fucking lose it.

Women are tough, the want to be as indifferent as possible. Thats why you keep getting the same answer. There is something she isn't telling you.

I would say stay the course and put her to the test. No phone calls, no meetings, no hanging out. If she attempts any of this don't respond. Let her see if what she said is true, if she loves you then it'll work out, maybe she does need time. You ever hear the saying "if you love something set it free, if it comes back its meant to be".

Then if this does happen, before you take one step further, strike. Tell her you need the truth, why did she need some time. I guarantee you'll get the answer if this scenario plays out.

If not, well my friend there are 2 billion women on the planet. Hang in there. Sorry to hear about this issue as love is the most compelling and damning force in life.

Good luck,

Bob
 
That does suck man. However it is her choice as to what she wants to do. Perhaps there are some things she has been unsure about for quite some time and now that it's imminent she doesn't feel comfortable going through with it. It does sound, from what you say, that this is probably the case. That hurts but try not to be mad at her... she's just trying to do what she feels is best for her life. I'm sorry that you guys don't feel the same way. :(

Also try not to put pressure on her as that's not fair. It sounds like you may have done so to some extent already, which may have contributed to this. If she wants to split her path from yours, then that means this is not the right thing for either of you (for her because of how she feels, and for you because it would be one-sided which would hurt you even worse). Try to respect her wishes, I'm sure she's not trying to hurt you. Would you want her to be in a relationship for life that she wasn't sure she wanted to be in?

Again, sorry... love hurts sometimes. Especially the longer it goes on. Trust me I know, my ex-wife ended our relationship of 12 years 16 months ago and I have just recently moved on fully. In retrospect I am so glad she did it because I don't think I ever would have and I am much happier now. It's hard to see that until you get to the other side, but it's true. Someone is out there for you who can love you as much as you love them and want to share their life with you. Probably a lot of different people.
 
I was in a four-year relationship that ended Feb 2012 which hurt but wasn't a surprise for me. Me and my ex broke up so many times as it was a continouos cycle of him not knowing what he wants. When he invited me to move in on our 2nd year I told him I wasn't ready and it devastated him. After that, our relationship went downhill but what am I supposed to do? I wasn't ready. I tried so hard to be good to him but in the end we really cannot be together and that we are just two different people who wants different things. Maybe what you really need to think about is not only if you two are ready but are you really good for each other? I don't know how much you guys get along and I don't know much about your relationship but then I realized that when we finally broke up, I actually wanted someone else. Someone who would accept the things he never accepted about me. Maybe there is someone else out there for you.
 
Thank you all for sharing personal stories and valuable advices.

Well.that blows... However it might be for the best. If she agreed and moved in, then left a week or two later, you'd fucking lose it.

Women are tough, the want to be as indifferent as possible. Thats why you keep getting the same answer. There is something she isn't telling you.

I would say stay the course and put her to the test. No phone calls, no meetings, no hanging out. If she attempts any of this don't respond. Let her see if what she said is true, if she loves you then it'll work out, maybe she does need time. You ever hear the saying "if you love something set it free, if it comes back its meant to be".

Then if this does happen, before you take one step further, strike. Tell her you need the truth, why did she need some time. I guarantee you'll get the answer if this scenario plays out.

If not, well my friend there are 2 billion women on the planet. Hang in there. Sorry to hear about this issue as love is the most compelling and damning force in life.

Good luck,

Bob
Click to expand...

Seems like you've also had a similar experience...i hope that you had your done in a positive way :)

I see your point and indeed i share similar opinion. For sure i would loose it if we moved in and then of sudden she decides to leave.
From sunday it's radio silence, i'm not trying to contact her as i stand behind what i said and there were no contact from her side either.
However, i'm not sure how long will i be able to ignore if she tries to contact me. I could do that for day or two but where to draw the line ?

That does suck man. However it is her choice as to what she wants to do. Perhaps there are some things she has been unsure about for quite some time and now that it's imminent she doesn't feel comfortable going through with it. It does sound, from what you say, that this is probably the case. That hurts but try not to be mad at her... she's just trying to do what she feels is best for her life. I'm sorry that you guys don't feel the same way.

Also try not to put pressure on her as that's not fair. It sounds like you may have done so to some extent already, which may have contributed to this. If she wants to split her path from yours, then that means this is not the right thing for either of you (for her because of how she feels, and for you because it would be one-sided which would hurt you even worse). Try to respect her wishes, I'm sure she's not trying to hurt you. Would you want her to be in a relationship for life that she wasn't sure she wanted to be in?

Again, sorry... love hurts sometimes. Especially the longer it goes on. Trust me I know, my ex-wife ended our relationship of 12 years 16 months ago and I have just recently moved on fully. In retrospect I am so glad she did it because I don't think I ever would have and I am much happier now. It's hard to see that until you get to the other side, but it's true. Someone is out there for you who can love you as much as you love them and want to share their life with you. Probably a lot of different people.
Click to expand...

Crap man... i'm really sorry to hear this...12 years, can't imagine the pain that you had to go through...
I'm glad that you've managed to move on and i'm really grateful for your words of wisdom.

I'm more mad at myself than at her as i have to admit that i've seen something's wrong and had a fear for the worst outcome.
Maybe it is the pressure, because in the end anyone wants to have what he/she wants...on the other side, i did not bombard her with
moving in topic on a daily basis...i tried to respect her wish that once colleague is over then we will move in...those were her words.

For sure i'm not the one who will insist and force a relationship where other side isn't sure about and i'm ready to accept the possibility that our story has ended and
we need to chose a new path...but yeah...you know that better then myself...beside that i have to accept the end, i'm really scared of being alone as depression will tear me appart :(

I was in a four-year relationship that ended Feb 2012 which hurt but wasn't a surprise for me. Me and my ex broke up so many times as it was a continouos cycle of him not knowing what he wants. When he invited me to move in on our 2nd year I told him I wasn't ready and it devastated him. After that, our relationship went downhill but what am I supposed to do? I wasn't ready. I tried so hard to be good to him but in the end we really cannot be together and that we are just two different people who wants different things. Maybe what you really need to think about is not only if you two are ready but are you really good for each other? I don't know how much you guys get along and I don't know much about your relationship but then I realized that when we finally broke up, I actually wanted someone else. Someone who would accept the things he never accepted about me. Maybe there is someone else out there for you.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you but seems that you did find your happiness :)

There is one connection in our story, i also did ask about moving in on our 2nd year and we talked about it where she said she shares the same opinion but wants to deal with the colleague first...
Fine i said, nothing wrong i respect and understand. I'm trying to remember did i said something wrong then, but i'm one million percent sure that i did not !

Are we different ? She likes to hang out with people and has lot of friends while on other side my friend base is smaller and i'm the guy that will choose which events will i attend while
she would like to go to each one. On that topic, yeah i wasn't always happy when she went to some party but hey in 5 years i didn't make any late night call asking questions what does she
doing, where and with whom is she...nothing...however, i did sometimes text her asking 'how is there?', or 'is she having fun?' and as she responded i text her back with 'have fun' or bring me something delicious to eat.
On part where i wasn't happy with that it was the reason where we didn't see each other for a few days and hell yes i enjoy when we share time together especially when we can relax during the weekend.
This is the only thing where i see that we're different, but trust me i'm not trying to be a victim or anything like that, i tried to understand that as well and didn't make any problems around the topic.

How we get along ? 5 years ( 5 and half actually to be precise ), not a single break up, hell we didn't even had a fight...never told anything rude to her, never even yelled at her...

Ah, wall of text again... Thank you all, gotta go and do some work.
 
I feel for you. Who ever knows what is for the best? we just have to make our choices and live with the consequences.
 
from yesterday evening it's officially over...she'll pickup her stuff tomorrow and it's finished...

well yeah, i'm totally wrecked and lost... got some talking with friends, i'm really grateful for the time and support that they provide in this moment.

i'm aware it's not the end of world, but it hurts like hell when only memories that i have are nice and only thing that is bitter are last 10 days.

where to go ? what to do ? how to handle it ? i know all the answers, but can't catch on anything at the moment.

33 years and i have to start again from nothing...time will tell that's for sure...

anyways, thanks for the answers and if any of you have some nice words... maybe i'll be spending some time here, maybe i'll post a picture of my sad face someday in the near future...cheers !
 
I think you should have given her more of a chance man. Women are complicated and most of the time I dont even think they know what they want. Not saying men are better but men can be just more simple and direct with what they want. Four years is awhile and it sounds like you still have feelings to make it work. WHy throw it out over something thats very small.

Just give her more time. Six months from the date you guys talked about isnt really that much time at all. Plus, when women feel pressured like that, they just kinda shut down and im sure you have showed some different behavior from this. Like frustration or irritable. Couples who have been together awihile can pick up on any little emotion the other one has. Even if we think we are hiding it. SHe probably feels she is letting you down and disappointing you. Just be there for her and show her you want to work it out. Things will fall into place but you cant force things either. Thats what men do for their women.

After you move in together, it becomes a matter of giving yourself your own time and you will wish for a few days without her. You still love her but you will remember when you had the pad to yourself and how good that sounds right now. Cant live with them, cant live without them.

You put yourself on the emotional roller coaster, not her. Pretty selfish to just walk out and say be alone the way you did. Thats not a bf who is there for here through shit and shows no support. You stick with your lady through good times and when bad times happen too. You even said yourself that the four years had been good except for about 10 days ago. Seems that when things got a little rough you took off the other way instead of trying to deal with the problem. Life doesnt always go according to a schedule you have set up.

I myself am going through a similar situation and there have been delays with my girlfriend and I moving in together again. Ten years I have been with her and we have lived together before. Its a long story how it all happened but this isnt about me. BUt i have to be patient, because it only harms things when i get upset cause i cant accept certain things. Thats on me to deal with and not her fault.

I reacted kinda like you at first. It was all about me and i had selfish thoughts like why doesnt she want to move in, she doesn't seem into it, she was before and not now etc. I was putting pressure on her and myself. We were supposed to move in together about 8 months ago but life has happened and its just not in the cards right now.

Im not saying she is perfect and your the bad guy. Im sure their are some things that she could be working on and maybe one is communication with you on her feelings. There needs to be compromise from both parties. Just talk it out with her.

Get off the pity pot, and be a man and suck it up. Its not all about you and put yourself aside and just be there for her. Ask her what you can do to help and if she says i dont know, say that you will be here to help whenever she needs it. Accept the situation and dont get mad cause its not going according to your plan. YOur gonna have alot of let downs in your life if you run it like that.
 
Last edited:
Xorkoth said:
Nothing in his post suggested he was the one who ended it... though it could be.
Click to expand...


I think he did actually with this....

mTommd said:
what does she wants now...bam 'I wan't to be alone as i need time, but i can't ask you of that as i know that i could loose you'.
I was screaming inside myself but again no rude words no yelling from my side and asked her that she needs to choose her time alone or us...

Yes, she has chosen the time alone where i said then 'be alone', stood up told her 'good luck' and left...

:(
Click to expand...
 
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