Need advice on something that is bothering me (MDPV)

[xeddmc]

Hey guys, I am new here so if I posted in the wrong section, please forgive me, and let me know.

I have been a poly-substance abuser for a while now, my first true addiction (to the point where I was pretty much a dead man walking) with opiates. Oxycontin, morphine and dilauded mostly. I eventually got on the methadone program after multiple rehab failures, and a last resort.

I have been off opiates for almost 4 years now, and don't plan getting off MMT for fear of relapse again. Butt I am content with that.

Mental health wise, I have been institutionalized a few times in the past. Was medicated, to no avail. In the past I was depressed severely in the way you would usually think (down, and feeling useless with no hope), but everything has progressivly gotten worse. Manic episodes are usually welcome as I finally feel something other than how I usually do. I am also diagnosed with Depersonalization disorder, which I honestly believe is the root of most of my problems. Since literally "snapping" into permanent DP, I have struggled with everything, once I got over the initial scare of that "brain fog" and disconnectedness, I just really have been a bystander in my life. I have lost LITERALLY all motivation to do anything, espically the things that I am passionate about. I can't keep a job, and get a terrible feeling when i think about leaving my home. I have no desire for sex anymore, no desire to do anything.

So, I have recently expieremnted with "MDPV". Most people find the drug horrible, but I have found it to not only be cheap as dirt, but a powerful motivator. I actually feel and enjoy while on it. It is great, initally. But now I am taking it every day, just to get motivated to do things in life to make money, and make myself useful. I have been pretty much not eating at all, and since getting the drug, about a week ago, I have lost a lot of weight. I know this is absolutley terrible for me, espisially when I am banging it, but I feel alive, and motivated.

I guess what I am trying to ask, is for some advice on how to force myself to take breaks with it, and allow my body to recrupiorate, so I don't fucking die or somehting else. I am on a waiting list for a Psychitrist, and until I can see him, I need to figure out how to go easy.

I probably sound pathetic, but I need to figure out a way to get through this. If anyone has been in a similar situation, or ahs some useful advice, please share.

Cheers,

Xedd

*patiently waits for the trolls and naysayers to emerge*

 

[T. Calderone]

Hi Xedd, I'm bipolar as well but speed type drugs are not my thing. I've read lots of reports from people using mdpv (I think we have a mega thread here someplace) But I've heard it's wickedly addicting. My suggestion is when you see the psych doctor is tell him what you said here. In the meantime, you may have to force yourself not to use every day. Your doctor may be able to prescribe some other type of stimulant to help you through the rough patches. I'm not much help sorry, but welcome to Bluelight!

 

[xeddmc]

Hi Xedd, I'm bipolar as well but speed type drugs are not my thing. I've read lots of reports from people using mdpv (I think we have a mega thread here someplace) But I've heard it's wickedly addicting. My suggestion is when you see the psych doctor is tell him what you said here. In the meantime, you may have to force yourself not to use every day. Your doctor may be able to prescribe some other type of stimulant to help you through the rough patches. I'm not much help sorry, but welcome to Bluelight!

Hey thanks for even responding. Yeah. I am going to try to not use it tomorrow. But it will be so hard not to, because even thouhg I know I want to work on my site or web serivces, I just feel like..ugh so hard to explain, when you love something, but your mind is stopping you by making it feel....off, or wrong..

 

[sekio]

You won't die from MDPV withdrawal if you just stop and throw it all out... just FYI.

Just be aware that MDPV is about the strongest self-reinforcing drug there is out there, the main side effect of doing MDPV is making you want more MDPV. You can either stop of your own accord, which will be hard, admittedly - or you can stop when you either have a heart attack, stroke, or mental breakdown from sleep and food deprivation.

If you are not eating properly you are put at much higher risk for bad shit to start happening. You really should be forcing yourself to consume some calories, it will make you feel better.

 

[Machete]

I don't have the solution but you're not alone. I've had (drug-induced) DP for years and found that stimulants, perversely, made me feel better by making it easier to ignore the DP and focus on other things. I completely understand your position.

Still, DP requires optimism above all else. There is no evidence that anyone is necessarily stuck with DP permanently. There are a bunch of people with chronic DP but that doesn't imply that it's unfixable, even for the worst sufferers.

By self-medicating in this fashion, you're accepting that you are stuck this way and prepared to take short-term comfort over the long-term possibility of getting rid of the DP. There is almost no chance that MDPV will have a positive long-term effect on your DP. Look to give it up in any way you can and then look at alternative ways of dealing with (and eventually reducing) your DP. Plenty of people recover from DP completely or significantly and you can be one of them.

Continuing to use drugs almost certainly contributed to a linear worsening of my DP symptoms. I hit my lowest point after ending up in A&E with panic attacks twice in two months. Only recently (last couple of months) have I finally gotten completely clean. Now I'm all about the mindfulness meditation, distraction, exercise, healthy eating and throwing myself head first into things that I would rather avoid (e.g. going outside). I've seen significant progress in my ability to deal with the DP and a small reduction in the severity of the DP itself as a result. My new motto: while I live, I hope.

 

[Smoky]

Hi,
Welcome to BL.

I'm an x opiate user with a hx of polysubstance dependence. I experience depersonalization 'still' off and on, mostly from personal and some transpersonal trauma and a lot of emotional deprivation growing up.

Also, Sometimes excessive dopamine can cause dissociative states.
If you can I would stop the drug now you are taking so you can prepare for what the psychiatrist can offer you. If you absolutely can't stop, do not increase the dosage.
Seroquel has helped me tremendously, one of a few other atypical antipsychotics. But it's only a pill… have you tried any meditating or grounding techniques?

You are on the right track… in taking care of yourself.. making an appointment, asking for advice and basically putting yourself out there. Sometimes this in itself can be a big step forward in a healthy direction.

 

[Dresden]

I remember reading once on erowid that 'MDPV is the pit bull of research chemicals,' and I agree with this statement. Try to get off of it, and get a prescription for Adderall or something, and/or better yet for Seroquel or Zyprexa. A half gram of MDPV taken over 24 hours sent me on a vacation to the hospital for 2 nights (and $65,000). Thank goodness I had insurance.