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I need help..

A

Atrial

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 27, 2014
Messages
4
So here's my story:

I started smoking pot around 10th grade, no problems, didn't affect my grades or anything in my life really, only did it because I liked the feeling and my friends all did it, so why not?

Fast forward to senior year of high school, 3 months before graduation I got arrested for felony possession of marijuana. Spent the night in jail and was given a year of drug court diversion. It wasn't too bad, and I had no problems staying clean, I didn't feel like I fit in at the NA meetings cause I wasn't like those people. I didn't really have any problems completing drug court, besides losing a few 'friends' that I found out weren't really friends anyway. Completed drug court, charges dropped, no criminal record. Everything's perfect right?

The day of court, where I graduated drug court, I went in, got my certificate, and everything was over. Next stop: liquor store. I got completely trashed the day drug court ended. In all honesty I thought I deserved it because I stayed clean for over a year.

2 days later I realized how depressed and terrible I felt about myself, so I started taking prescription pain killers, (OxyContin,hydrocodone,codeine,etc) this was amazing, I felt great. Nothing could get me down. I felt comfortable, was talkative, and felt like I regained a positive outlook on life.

All was good until my tolerance started to build and I needs more and more. One day my friend had a party that I found out about last minute, and I decided to go. I had already taken quite a bit of opiates that day but figured if be ok. Wrong. After drinking for about 2 hours I blacked out in the yard and someone dragged me into the house and put me on a couch.

The next morning I woke up and realized I had a problem, I decided I can't do this anymore and decided to quit opiates. That lasted until the next day where I felt unbelievably sick. I flushed the rest of my pain killers and decided kratom would be a good way to ween myself off opiates, which to an extent worked. I still take kratom 2-3 times a week.

After this I started taking Xanax because I had to take something to get rid of my depression. That only lasted a few days because I didn't really like the effects and I only had a small supply.

I've always had problems sleeping, so about 2 months ago I went to the doctor and was prescribed temazepan. The first thing I did when I went home was find out how to abuse them. A month supply lasts me about a week - if I'm lucky.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've gone to sleep sober maybe 5 times since getting off probation and it's killing me.

There are very few things that make me happy, and I just need to end this problem with drugs.

Any advice or tips is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
 
glad you reaching out. you said NA and those people and you werent like them ??? ....well, welcome to club, you're one of us now. id seriously consider rehab, then meetings, sponsor...the whole deal.

im personally done with trying to fake my way through sobriety. not because i cant stay sober, the 12 steps do work when done seriously, its because i like being fucked up.

good luck.
 
Wow do I know how you are feeling! I have been there. My addiction to opiates span over 13years starting when I was 15. And the best piece of advice I can give you will sound VERY CORNY but it really is the first step. You know you have a problem and that is great; now you need to decide who you are going to tell. About 3 years ago i was home from work dope sick for the hundredth time (cant believe they never fired me). i spent most of the day crying feeling sorry for myself and feeling like a pathetic junkie that will never be clean or normal again. I called my husband and my parents to come over. They all left work and came to my house. It was so hard to come out and confess to my parents the extent of my problem that it took me like 30 minutes just to say it. I really didn't know what they would do. Bottom line, they were all their for me. The weight that was lifted was unbelievable. My mom took the week off, took my keys (so I wouldn't sneak out for a fix) and stayed with me through that week of hell. After about four days I realized what a fog I had been living it.
You really need to figure out when and how to tell the people who love you most. It is going to be hard but amazingly worth it. Then you need to do what I did - seek treatment for your depression and sleeplessness. Be honest with your doctor about your self-medicating to deal with the depression. If he is any kind of good doctor, he is not going to condemn you but will treat your underlying problems and shouldn't give you anything abusable. I tried to do it on my own so many times and we cant. We need support and PLEASE keep in mind that you might THINK you can find that support from your friends that also use but you cant. They may mean well but you have to separate yourself for a time until you can handle the temptation but some of us have to end those friendships all together because they are triggers. I could go on and on....but you are not alone in this, although you may feel like it. I am here for you so feel free to PM me anytime. Tell people who love you so they can help you, go to your doctor about the depression. Those are your first steps.
 
CaveBear said:
glad you reaching out. you said NA and those people and you werent like them ??? ....well, welcome to club, you're one of us now. id seriously consider rehab, then meetings, sponsor...the whole deal.

im personally done with trying to fake my way through sobriety. not because i cant stay sober, the 12 steps do work when done seriously, its because i like being fucked up.

good luck.
Click to expand...
At the time I didn't think I was like them, cause I was just there for a pot charge.

My problem now with na/aa is the religious aspect - I've struggled with religion and spirituality my whole life and it doesn't seem to work for me.
 
RedPilly said:
Wow do I know how you are feeling! I have been there. My addiction to opiates span over 13years starting when I was 15. And the best piece of advice I can give you will sound VERY CORNY but it really is the first step. You know you have a problem and that is great; now you need to decide who you are going to tell. About 3 years ago i was home from work dope sick for the hundredth time (cant believe they never fired me). i spent most of the day crying feeling sorry for myself and feeling like a pathetic junkie that will never be clean or normal again. I called my husband and my parents to come over. They all left work and came to my house. It was so hard to come out and confess to my parents the extent of my problem that it took me like 30 minutes just to say it. I really didn't know what they would do. Bottom line, they were all their for me. The weight that was lifted was unbelievable. My mom took the week off, took my keys (so I wouldn't sneak out for a fix) and stayed with me through that week of hell. After about four days I realized what a fog I had been living it.
You really need to figure out when and how to tell the people who love you most. It is going to be hard but amazingly worth it. Then you need to do what I did - seek treatment for your depression and sleeplessness. Be honest with your doctor about your self-medicating to deal with the depression. If he is any kind of good doctor, he is not going to condemn you but will treat your underlying problems and shouldn't give you anything abusable. I tried to do it on my own so many times and we cant. We need support and PLEASE keep in mind that you might THINK you can find that support from your friends that also use but you cant. They may mean well but you have to separate yourself for a time until you can handle the temptation but some of us have to end those friendships all together because they are triggers. I could go on and on....but you are not alone in this, although you may feel like it. I am here for you so feel free to PM me anytime. Tell people who love you so they can help you, go to your doctor about the depression. Those are your first steps.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for the advice, it's unbelievably amazing that people that've never met me can be so helpful and supportive.
 
Advice, well, it seems you aren't addicted to benzos, not physically , correct? Save yourself from MORE pain and DO NOT get addicted to THOSE (xanax and tamazapam are both short acting benzos).
I loved tamazapam . Was popping 8x30mg pills to sleep when I was coming off opiates at times and had such a killer tolerance it didn't even work some nights. I could go on and on, but that is number 1 thing I'm thinking right now . At least you don't have a physical dependency to benzos . Wean off the kratom if you can bud or just cold turkey that shit ..if you're only using 2/3 times a week and not getting dope sick the days you don't use, you probably don't have a huge physical dependency with opiates right now. At least you're not popping all those pain killers with APAP in em. There's a lot of "at leasts" in your story bud. I've been through the system, the addictions, all that. As stated above, you reaching out is a big deal. AT LEAST (again with the "at leasts") you're not in denial. You know your shit. You can fix your shit. You really can.
 
Welcome Atrial,

OP "And the best piece of advice I can give you will sound VERY CORNY but it really is the first step. You know you have a problem and that is great; now you need to decide who you are going to tell. About 3 years ago i was home from work dope sick for the hundredth time (cant believe they never fired me). i spent most of the day crying feeling sorry for myself and feeling like a pathetic junkie that will never be clean or normal again. I called my husband and my parents to come over. They all left work and came to my house. It was so hard to come out and confess to my parents the extent of my problem that it took me like 30 minutes just to say it. I really didn't know what they would do. Bottom line, they were all their for me. The weight that was lifted was unbelievable."

This is a dead ringer for me, the entire quote. I would add, reach out for help, detox/rehab it makes all the difference. You're not treated like you're a junkie. They treat you with respect and most importantly the know what they are doing. Why cold turkey it and go through hell, trust me there is still ample times to suffer, PAWS. Im not gonna rehash my story, but if you want you can read my post through my profile. It might help a bit more.

Lastly, have an open mind about everything, make decisions once you have a clean mind. You may struggle with religion, but no one is asking you to convert. Just acknowledging a higher power, if your higher power is "aliens" roll with that. Seriously though, religion is just an excuse to not goto meetings. We all accept we are imperfect, take control don't let it control you.

You CAN do this, but first you have to accept you're going to do this. We believe in you.

Best to you,

Bob
 
neversickanymore said:
Hey Atrial and welcome to Bluelight. You may find these threads have some good information about what your facing.

You may also consider giving SMART a shot. SMART Recovery (Support Group information and discussion)

Addiction Guide
The Brain and Addiction
Varied Approaches to Addiction Recovery

You can an will figure this out. If I can do it anyone can:)
Click to expand...

This!

NSA yet again has given you links OP. Use these as a guide to help you in your addiction. Many of us has suffered this cycle and many of us has succeeded. You will find a lot of support on here. Welcome sweety <3
 
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