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Going Sober, Swear to God

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Ninae

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2010
Messages
4,522
I haven't mentioned this but almost died of kidney failure 10 days ago. I only had 50% kidney function after taking too many of some dodgy pills when I'd run out of benzos. I tend to think all pills will work like benzos where the worst that can happen is that you fall asleep (with my tolerance anyway).

I had a brutal hospital experience, won't go into that now, but lay on drip-feed for 24 hours. They didn't know how it was going to pan out but it turned out all the damage was reversed. Anyway, the main point is that benzos don't work on me anymore (even if I take 20 at a time), so I've met the wall. And I'm not interested in getting into any other drugs either (I've experimented with my share) so the only thing to do is wean myself off.

I bet you wish I'd died too.
 
Thanks, I wasn't aware of that.

Well, I just started trying them and they made me feel quite high and elated at first, so that was the main reason. They also made me feel relaxed, stress-free, and free of anxiety (although getting dependent on them was what mostly caused these problems.) I hadn't really had problems like that before, but then I was caught. It also made life easier as I didn't have to spend so much time taking care of my health to feel good. So just general stupidity.

And of course once you're addicted it's a monster. I could take them on and off at first, like a few weeks at a time and take breaks without problems. But after my first real withdrawal it only took 3 days to get me fully addicted again. Benzo-abstinences are so hellish and I don't think many have gone through as many as me (25). Many seem to feel one is traumatic enough.
 
Do you have any idea where the anxiety comes from. Anxiety is a damn unpleasant emotion, I really bad anxiety for over twenty five years so I know. The reasons its so unpleasant it to let us know there is something we need to sort out and to motivate us to sort it out. Is it generalized, or does it present itself to a greater degree at certain time, or is a combination of the two?

From my personal experience the key to kicking the benzos for good is to figure out the root of the anxiety and figure out the problem and make the changes in our lives to relieve ourselves of the anxiety for good. Do you have any theories as to whats going on to cause it?

I was on and off. mostly on benzos for over twenty years. I am now completely off them. I was able to identify and work through what i needed to work through and now have very little or no anxiety most of the time. (thank the stars <3) I also think that once we get dependent on the banzos our overall anxiety becomes much greater. Also when we first kick it is often very high indeed.
 
It was a bit different for me. I never really had problems with anxiety before (although it's nice to be unnaturally anxiety-free). It was the dependence and then lack of access to benzos that really gave me stress and anxiety.

I also had some traumas (don't we all) they were able to suppress. Then you freak out when it all comes to the surface along with all the other symptomps. But this is true for most drugs. You have to face up to all your feelings you've been suppressing for so long, and God does it hurt.

I had so much pain in my heart when I got home from the hospital, I thought I was going to die. It was like there was endless levels and levels of pain in there. But I did a healing heart meditation and that did really help. I've had good experiences healing myself with spiritual energies, like imagining light or flames in different colours where it hurts. You then make a switch over from chemical healing to energy healing, which can be more effective, expecially when the drugs no longer work.
 
Some anti-diarrea pills with a small opiate-like effect if you took enough (probably very toxic).
 
Immodium put you in the hospital? Yikes.

As for withdrawing from benzos, if you have a physical dependency on them you should taper off under doctors supervision.
 
I've been reading the Ashton manual and it seems to be much more successful than the system most doctors have which is too little and quick and make you feel so bad you feel you can't do without it.
 
Think I've finally found something that will keep me off drugs and keep to a healthy lifestyle:

Drugs and unhealthy living makes you ugly. Think about alcoholics and the change in their appearance when they start or stop drinking. I've been looking such a mess for a while I've been scared to look in the mirror (true story) but this morning I braved it and noticed I look 3 times more beautiful than a month ago. I look like I did as a child and many have been commenting on how much better I look. So that should be the end of that. It does have a big impact on your life.

Now I only need to grow my hair out. I had to cut it chin length because it was fried. By poisons and lack of nutrients.
 
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You're appearance and visible vitality is a great motivator to stay clean and have a healthy lifestyle. It's a great feedback loop too when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and the energy coming back at you gets greater every day, seeing your eyes beam more intensely, your face more flush and radiant, skin clearer.

Wish you all the best in your recovery :)
 
Thanks, and you're exactly right.

I've seen people look almost unrecognisable after starting or quitting drugs (Kurt Cobain could look so pretty but also completely repulsive as well). And it's not just the drugs but also the unhealthy lifestyle that comes with it. In most cases your health is severly neglected and this might be even worse.

Toxic, dehydrated, lacking in vital nutrients, lack of oxygen, sun and fresh air, lack of exercise.

Plus not taking care of your looks or body in general.

It was always obvious this was something that could motivate me, but I just didn't care enough, the drugs and that lifestyle just had too strong a grip on me. And as long as benzos are heaven or hell it's very hard to quit. But now they don't work anymore and I'm cutting down very gradually it should work.
 
Can you talk with your GP about starting to taper via the Ashton Method? I remember when I was using drugs bad, one of my friends told me "you look bad" and that really hurt but it was true.
 
Ninae,
Keep up the good work. It's tough getting through the first days of getting clean. But the hardest part yet is getting clean AND staying clean. I myself have relapsed six times or so in the matter of four years. When I'm clean, I eventually reach a point where I feel like I will NEVER go back to my drug of choice, no matter what...but then, somewhere along the line, my mental instability gets the best of me and I start again with using right where I left off. I've recently started therapy sessions to determine what it is that sets me off the edge. Have you considered getting some therapy or counseling...? Really anything that will give you long term results in your sobriety? Maybe even AA or NA meetings. I'm glad you're doing well. That hospital scare is sometimes enough to scare people into never going back to their drug of choice ever again. Maybe that can be the case for you. Just remember to take it one day at a time (concerning your sobriety). Just tell yourself "Today I will not use" and say it so often that it sticks. And at the end of the day when you haven't used, it's cause for a celebration! (a sober one ;)) and the next day repeat the same thing to yourself. And above all else, remind yourself that you deserve better and that you have so much more to offer. Your possibilities are endless, but none of that will be seen so long as we continue to use. Keep your head up. You're heading in the right direction so far.
 
T. Calderone said:
Can you talk with your GP about starting to taper via the Ashton Method? I remember when I was using drugs bad, one of my friends told me "you look bad" and that really hurt but it was true.
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Hahah. Are you kidding me? I get 2 oxazepam a day which doesn't even touch my addiction. But the approach over here is to wean you off as quickly as possible with as little as possible. Anything else isn't even legal.

They reckon you deserve it, the pain will do you good, and it will scare you off to use again. Which isn't true, it can have just the opposite effect, you just feel you can't live without it. And when they act to brutal with you it's just provocative and just makes you think "Go to hell, I will do what I want".

No, I'm weaning myself slowly off on Etizolam. When there was a week I didn't have any and had to do with what I get scripted I had a 5-10 minute seizure. It's gross mistreatment, and unintelligent as well.
 
Ninae said:
Hahah. Are you kidding me? I get 2 oxazepam a day which doesn't even touch my addiction. But the approach over here is to wean you off as quickly as possible with as little as possible. Anything else isn't even legal.

They reckon you deserve it, the pain will do you good, and it will scare you off to use again. Which isn't true, it can have just the opposite effect, you just feel you can't live without it. And when they act to brutal with you it's just provocative and just makes you think "Go to hell, I will do what I want".

No, I'm weaning myself slowly off on Etizolam. When there was a week I didn't have any and had to do with what I get scripted I had a 5-10 minute seizure. It's gross mistreatment, and unintelligent as well.
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They should be sued for negligence and malpractice. People die from seizures caused by benzodiazepine withdrawal. It's a fact. Cold turkey detox is not an option for people physically dependent to benzos and tapers need to be carefully managed.

Not to mention that in the case of heroin addiction it's been PROVEN that cold turkey detox does not work. The relapse rate for CT is something like 90%. Addict absolutely do not need to suffer needlessly and lowers their overall chances of continued sobriety.

Aside from the physical dangers, rebound anxiety is going to be one of your major obstacles. Benzos are well known for causing immensely increased anxiety for those trying to get off. I had to detox off both heroin and benzos and even with opiate replacement therapy I was so panicked I was ready to resort to some really desperate measures. Seroquel and Remeron were two non-addictive medications that successfully treated my anxiety and they're generally easy to get scripted. I would definitely consult a doctor about safe, non-habit forming medications you can use while you're tapering off benzos and evening out.

Going to meetings or doing some kind of outpatient treatment or counseling might help you put things in a healthy perspective as well as give you some tools for dealing with anxiety.
 
Ninae said:
Drugs and unhealthy living makes you ugly. Think about alcoholics and the change in their appearance when they start or stop drinking. I've been looking such a mess for a while I've been scared to look in the mirror (true story) but this morning I braved it and noticed I look 3 times more beautiful than a month ago. I look like I did as a child and many have been commenting on how much better I look. So that should be the end of that. It does have a big impact on your life.
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This is so true. And the funny thing is every drug makes you look a certain way. You can pretty much tell who is an addict and what drug they use based on their face.

Good luck with your sobriety. Yes it's painful but no pain no gain. I'm going sober too. Haven't had any serious health problems like you, it's just time to grow up.
 
Good luck. If you ever need to talk pm me. I didn't get your last message cause my inbox was full. I emptied it and hope to hear from u soon :)
 
The Ashton manual is great… ! !
Benzos were harder to kick than heroin for me, the mental aspect anyways.
Any longer acting one is helpful, like clorazepate… Good luck … it seems like you know what to do! :)
 
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