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Four months and my ex- girlfriend wants to meet with me.

R

rollsolo

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2014
Messages
152
Hey all,

Hope i plugged this into the right channel. I'm in the position where I'm not sure what to do. I broke up with my girlfriend after finding out she has been cheating on me. I live in the east and her in the west coast. Shady things like miss communication arise on her end. Of course taking into consideration that we both live busy lives and work. We did the skype thing and I would fly there 3 times total. Anyway, long story short... Before my 2 1/2 month trip I broke up with her after finding out what she has done and did. I spent two months on the road traveling and when I reached my destination she emails me wanting to meet. I happen to be in a near city in the west coast where she lived. I refused to meet with her and just said it was best that we move on. I became a completely different person after my trip.

So tomorrow is my birthday hahaa. I can't believe I'm writing this right now but she wished me happy birthday and surprisingly the first to say it. She said she would like to meet over coffee for a an hour a few days after my b-day. I've forgotten about her until I received her email tonight. I'm not sure what to do, part of me says I should see what she has to say in respect or just move on and disregard her email. Which is what I did 2 1/2 months ago. Any tips greatly appreciated!
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has she given you a sincere apology?

what are her motivations for the meet-up? to catch up as friends? or try and re-kindle the relationship?

how do you feel about her now? still hurt? or warm and positive?

personally i would wait for a well thought out apology, they would have to tell me they have matured and would not cheat on a SO now, and i'd have to believe them.
 
Well before I left for my trip four months ago we had a few disagreements. She was hanging with a guy in the local town she works behind my back. She went to several coffee dates with him and to his house. She also confessed that she was seeing someone when she was back here with me on the east coast. This is before she relocated. When I was in the west coast a month ago she wanted to meet up but I refused. She emailed me an apology and explained that she had issues of abandonment as a child and suffered abuse from family sexually. She was very insecure and lacks communication when trying to sort things out first hand. I felt bad because she never told me anything of this to prevent the issue before cheating. She said she thought she had to protect herself. She would also get jealous that I hung out with my friends of opposite sex even thought I knew them before her. I blew off lots of people for her feelings and received this in return. If I blow her off this time it'll be the second. She wrote a sincere apology to me and wants to start fresh but I don't think I can move backwards like that. However, I'm not entirely sure if I want to meet with her or not.
 
i think you gotta have respect for yourself and move on.

theres lots of warning flags i am seeing which say that its not a good idea to think about getting back together with her (e.g. "insecure, lacks communication, jealous, trying to blame her poor actions on past mental disturbances)

there are millions of girls out there who haven't cheated on you, so forget about this girl, she will find someone else as well, but might think twice before meeting other guys behind her bfs back.
 
She's trying to keep you in limbo. Or herself, afraid of moving on. Go for coffee with a demeanor that shows you've moved on. If you can. Otherwise don't go.
 
@^ what does getting coffee with her achieve besides giving her the message that he hasn't moved on?
 
Mysterie said:
@^ what does getting coffee with her achieve besides giving her the message that he hasn't moved on?
Click to expand...

Being afraid to go means on some level she's still under his skin, has some kind of emotional control.

And people have coffee every day without thinking about what it might achieve.
 
^ I agree. What do you have to lose by seeing her?

You say you'd forgotten about her until she emailed you; if this is the case, I don't see why you need to ignore her again. If you were still really hurting, then sure - but if not, it seems a little vindictive, or fearful.
I don't know whether she is a manipulative or excessively needy person (as all we have to go on is your posts) - and it doesn't seem like you owe her anything - but is there really any danger in spending an hour over coffee?

Personally, I'm not really one to keep in touch with people I've dated in the past - I'd rather move on and let it go - but i get the impression from some of the responses above that people have a certain sense of suspicion, of ulterior motives on her part -
Do you feel that way?
It sucks that she cheated on you and betrayed your trust - but did I read this wrong, or were you having a long-distance relationship?
If so, it would seem that the risk of such a thing happening would be greatly increased; is this not something that would have occurred to you before entering into that life?

Did you end the relationship over Skype/email/phone/text (etc) - or in person?
If you broke up with her via some digital communication medium - have you seen her since? If not, I think it is probably reasonable to have a face-to-face conversation, if she is seeking that from you and you are in a position to see her.

I can understand feeling hurt and betrayed and wishing to simply ignore her - but as you've already done that (a couple of months ago?) maybe it would be a bit more....emotionally mature (for want of a better term - that sounds a bit judgemental) to catch up for coffee?
Ignoring requests to see you repeatedly gives me the impression she's hurt you a lot more than you're letting on - but if that's not the case, what do you have to lose?

I'm in no way saying what she did to you was ok, but if you know she has abandonment issues, has been a victim of sexual abuse and so on - it seems a little cold to deny her so much as a response. Is that a fair assessment - or have I misunderstood the situation?

Again, I'm only going on the information you've shared with us here - but my perspective - even if it just to play devil's advocate in regards to some of the other replies - is that ignoring her may be an easy way out for you, when all she may be after is the chance to see you one more time, to help her to let go. Relationships and the attachments we form are so complicated and personal, it is pretty impossible to second-guess her motive in wanting to have coffee; but I think continuing to ignore her could give the impression of a bitterness on your part that doesnt seem particularly in line with what your posts say.

I don't know - I'm not a fan of "be the bigger man", but it seems sort of applicable here.

If she's no longer in your thoughts or your heart, what can it hurt to see her for coffee?
Just another perspective - food for thought I hope. I admit I'm tying to fill in some of the gaps because I don't totally understand the situation of your relationship and how it ended, but based on what I think you're saying - it might be a good opportunity to resolve a situation that you may have been avoiding because it is too uncomfortable.

Happy birthday, by the way!
 
I wouldn't meet her . What have you to gain ? Ultimately, guys would have a much harder time letting go of that than a woman would. I'd move on. Whole lot of woman in the world.
 
personally i think unless you have moved on completely this will set you back.

do what you want, you only live once eh?
 
Whats really weird is that she got me a gift card to use for my birthday gift. Not only is that nice of her but it's kind of weird and a way to get me to meet up with her as well. I mean yeah, it was her choice, but I probably would feel like a jerk if I didn't at least go for coffee for an hour. Still not sure what to do about it. I think I'll decide in the next couple days. Don't want to think nor email her back yet.
 
Good points here... She asked me to meet her a couple months ago when I was on the west coast. I actually said yeah lets meet. But then I changed my mind and said it wasn't worth it. Now I'm in a different position where its again, 2 1/2 months later and wants to meet again. I could bail out again and not look back. How do you handle the gift she got me. It was a card to a sports store via email. It said on the subject don't return it, happy birthday. My friend thinks she's going a little to hard and is acting crazy by constantly trying to reach out to me like this.



spacejunk said:
^ I agree. What do you have to lose by seeing her?

You say you'd forgotten about her until she emailed you; if this is the case, I don't see why you need to ignore her again. If you were still really hurting, then sure - but if not, it seems a little vindictive, or fearful.
I don't know whether she is a manipulative or excessively needy person (as all we have to go on is your posts) - and it doesn't seem like you owe her anything - but is there really any danger in spending an hour over coffee?

Personally, I'm not really one to keep in touch with people I've dated in the past - I'd rather move on and let it go - but i get the impression from some of the responses above that people have a certain sense of suspicion, of ulterior motives on her part -
Do you feel that way?
It sucks that she cheated on you and betrayed your trust - but did I read this wrong, or were you having a long-distance relationship?
If so, it would seem that the risk of such a thing happening would be greatly increased; is this not something that would have occurred to you before entering into that life?

Did you end the relationship over Skype/email/phone/text (etc) - or in person?
If you broke up with her via some digital communication medium - have you seen her since? If not, I think it is probably reasonable to have a face-to-face conversation, if she is seeking that from you and you are in a position to see her.

I can understand feeling hurt and betrayed and wishing to simply ignore her - but as you've already done that (a couple of months ago?) maybe it would be a bit more....emotionally mature (for want of a better term - that sounds a bit judgemental) to catch up for coffee?
Ignoring requests to see you repeatedly gives me the impression she's hurt you a lot more than you're letting on - but if that's not the case, what do you have to lose?

I'm in no way saying what she did to you was ok, but if you know she has abandonment issues, has been a victim of sexual abuse and so on - it seems a little cold to deny her so much as a response. Is that a fair assessment - or have I misunderstood the situation?

Again, I'm only going on the information you've shared with us here - but my perspective - even if it just to play devil's advocate in regards to some of the other replies - is that ignoring her may be an easy way out for you, when all she may be after is the chance to see you one more time, to help her to let go. Relationships and the attachments we form are so complicated and personal, it is pretty impossible to second-guess her motive in wanting to have coffee; but I think continuing to ignore her could give the impression of a bitterness on your part that doesnt seem particularly in line with what your posts say.

I don't know - I'm not a fan of "be the bigger man", but it seems sort of applicable here.

If she's no longer in your thoughts or your heart, what can it hurt to see her for coffee?
Just another perspective - food for thought I hope. I admit I'm tying to fill in some of the gaps because I don't totally understand the situation of your relationship and how it ended, but based on what I think you're saying - it might be a good opportunity to resolve a situation that you may have been avoiding because it is too uncomfortable.

Happy birthday, by the way!
Click to expand...
 
You know you could just reevaluate the situation & just use her as a piece of ass. BUT you have to be able to control your emotional feelings towards her and think more logical :)

After all, why would a guy like you ever get oneitis with a girl like her?

And would you feel bad for using her? She already used you, sooooo............

OR you could just say "fuck that bitch" and move on :D

It's your choice bud!

I approve of what ever you do, you're a good guy!
 
Dude thanks much man! I'm not thinking to much about it. But I am in the control frame now. I'm just a little undecided because I feel that if I bail twice it'll probably display to her that I'm emotionally torn still or just don't want to see her again. That can mean anything from her perspective. I just looking at things from my angle in terms of the right thing to do. Having the choice to just bail again or see what she has to say. In terms of using her for ass lol. That's funny but I think I'm pretty good on that. I really don't want to give her the wrong impression.

Teabag Johnny said:
You know you could just reevaluate the situation & just use her as a piece of ass. BUT you have to be able to control your emotional feelings towards her and think more logical :)

After all, why would a guy like you ever get oneitis with a girl like her?

And would you feel bad for using her? She already used you, sooooo............

OR you could just say "fuck that bitch" and move on :D

It's your choice bud!

I approve of what ever you do, you're a good guy!
Click to expand...
 
Update! In the office this morning which is part of my studio... I checked my mail routinely in the afternoon. I was just pretty shocked and blown away by the mail received. My ex-girlfriend wrote me another letter and a birthday card. The card shared an experience on valentines day when I surprised visited her on V-day along with send a box of chocolate she never received. Well the letter mentioned that she received it the other day. And that she started to breakdown in tears. The rest of the letter she wrote that she thinks of me all the time and wonders if I do the same. She said she needed more closure and wants to meet up if possible no more than an hour of my time. She expressed that she tries to forget about what happened and move on but things constantly remind her of me, especially the things we once enjoyed doing together. She said she waited until my birthday to send me all this and that she loves me.

This is really great and sad to hear at the same time. I think she would take a second shot if I gave her one. I think these are things that make people stronger. Breakups are hard but they remind and teach us of what's right & wrong,strength, vulnerability, teamwork, creativity and the list may go on. I think this is a transformative stage for her but it seems to me that by reading these letters and emails she's still torn emotionally from the day I broke up with her. This sucks but I thought I expressed fully before I left that we were done and cannot be together. I guess I wasn't thorough enough.

P.S. To answer a question in an earlier post about if I broke up with her over the phone, Skype or in person... Our relationship was long distance. When she flew back to the east coast I saw her before my trip. I broke up with her in person before I left.
 
Hey all,

So after taking a few days to think about this situation and party with friends for my b-day weekend. I've decided not to meet up with her. I'll be emailing her later today or tonight to let her no. It's something that I feel I'm not ready to do yet. I feel like she hasn't taken the time to be along and think things through for herself. It's also a door that I would rather not open now or at all. I have to thank her for the b-day wishes. Should I send back the gifts that she got me as well. She said not to return them when she sent them.
 
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