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August: getting/staying sober thread vs. seasons end

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Erikmen said:
It definitely sounds good to hear when someone reaches 40 days off and still with energy to go to meetings.
It´s a great thing you are doing it.
Some of us use Methadone or subs to get there, myself included.
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I managed to do a decent taper while my bf was in rehab. Being separated from eachother helped a lot. So my wd proccess wasnt as bad as it coulda been. I mean im still super lethargic allll the time. But getting off my ass and making it to meetings when I can totally helps motivate me. Also going back to school. Keeping busy, and away from my DOC. Its super stressful for sure... all these things happening at once in my life, but ive come to realize that I was using, numbing myself simply to hide from having to do those things... so now im facing it head on with the most positive attitude I can. There are still days I feel like shit emotionally and useless/helpless, but i just have to keep in mind that it will pass and life gets better if you make it better. We are all in control of our own lives. :)
 
I wish I could come here saying I made it to day 4, but the truth is I ended up copping this morning. :( I feel really discouraged, I'm not going to lie. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I keep doing this dance where I make it a few days then end up caving and it's starting to make me wonder if I'm ever going to be able to do this. I keep trying to remember how I got clean last year, but the reasons I had and the things that motivated me to do it then just aren't around anymore. I more or less destroyed all of those things when I relapsed and went on this last run. I HATE HEROIN ADDICTION SOOO MUCH. I was in the Marine Corps and I can say with 100% honesty that battling addiction is the hardest thing I have EVER done in my LIFE, and that includes boot camp and everything else I dealt with in the military as a female Marine. And I used to think THAT was the worst/hardest period of my life. God, that was a joke compared to this.

Blue, that makes total sense actually. I've seen you talk about it before and I remembered that it worked for you, and believe it or not I actually tried it last night before I even saw your post. And it DID work... for a little while. I realized that my problem is that I don't look far enough ahead. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I am incredibly impulsive. I don't look very far past what's right in front of me, and I think that's why telling myself "heroin will always be there" didn't work for me. It's just... idk, when it was offered to me last night I had this feeling like I just HAD to jump on the opportunity because I wouldn't get it again. What if it's NOT around in the future? If all my old connects disappear and I don't know how to get it anymore? So I might as well do it just one more time while I have the chance, right? At least that's the way my addict brain rationalized it. It's ridiculous, of course, I know this from a logical standpoint. But I've never been too great with being logical, even before I was a drug addict. Sigh. It's something I definitely need to work on.

I wish it was as easy as it was for me last year, but I'm not in that super positive, motivated, gung-ho mindset the way I was then. Having gotten clean, then gotten my life together and having it filled with so much beauty and love and friends and compassion and forgiveness and all that great stuff, only to end up relapsing and losing it all... man that really knocked me down a few pegs. I know humility is a big part of recovery, but I just feel humbled in a way that is not conducive to my recovery... it's more like I've been humbled in a way that's really making me question whether I actually have what it takes to get clean and wonder whether or not it's even worth it to try in the first place. I mean, I know I can get all those good things back if I get clean again. But now that I know how easy it is to fall back down, I kind of just feel like... what if I do get it all back just to lose it all again? I hate feeling so negative about this. I am an optimist by nature and can easily see the positive in nearly every situation, and feeling this way is really starting to kind of get to me. I'm also an extremely confident person and it feels really weird and gross to be so doubtful of myself.

There is a bright spot though in all this. My friend says he has a job for me up north, trimming... plants. It's $25 an hour, so it's great money, and it's far far away from SoCal. I would have to move there for a few months. I'm really hoping it works out because I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to get away from it all - away from the people and places and everything else - and get some solid clean time under my belt somewhere that I can just be in nature and clear my mind. It's almost like fate is intervening in order to give me a better chance or something, the timing is just so perfect. I really hope it works out.

Anyway, I picked up another Suboxone along with a couple Xanax, so come tomorrow I fully plan on getting right back at it. I really do want to be clean, I want it so bad. I have too much potential to be wasting it like this and life is too beautiful to be experienced behind an opiate-induced veil. I know deep down that this should not be my life. I've always felt since I was little that I was meant to do something bigger with my life, and I want to live up to that for myself and for my family. I refuse to die a heroin addict. :\
 
xburtonchic said:
I wish I could come here saying I made it to day 4, but the truth is I ended up copping this morning. :( I feel really discouraged, I'm not going to lie. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I keep doing this dance where I make it a few days then end up caving and it's starting to make me wonder if I'm ever going to be able to do this. I keep trying to remember how I got clean last year, but the reasons I had and the things that motivated me to do it then just aren't around anymore. I more or less destroyed all of those things when I relapsed and went on this last run. I HATE HEROIN ADDICTION SOOO MUCH. I was in the Marine Corps and I can say with 100% honesty that battling addiction is the hardest thing I have EVER done in my LIFE, and that includes boot camp and everything else I dealt with in the military as a female Marine. And I used to think THAT was the worst/hardest period of my life. God, that was a joke compared to this.

Blue, that makes total sense actually. I've seen you talk about it before and I remembered that it worked for you, and believe it or not I actually tried it last night before I even saw your post. And it DID work... for a little while. I realized that my problem is that I don't look far enough ahead. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I am incredibly impulsive. I don't look very far past what's right in front of me, and I think that's why telling myself "heroin will always be there" didn't work for me. It's just... idk, when it was offered to me last night I had this feeling like I just HAD to jump on the opportunity because I wouldn't get it again. What if it's NOT around in the future? If all my old connects disappear and I don't know how to get it anymore? So I might as well do it just one more time while I have the chance, right? At least that's the way my addict brain rationalized it. It's ridiculous, of course, I know this from a logical standpoint. But I've never been too great with being logical, even before I was a drug addict. Sigh. It's something I definitely need to work on.

I wish it was as easy as it was for me last year, but I'm not in that super positive, motivated, gung-ho mindset the way I was then. Having gotten clean, then gotten my life together and having it filled with so much beauty and love and friends and compassion and forgiveness and all that great stuff, only to end up relapsing and losing it all... man that really knocked me down a few pegs. I know humility is a big part of recovery, but I just feel humbled in a way that is not conducive to my recovery... it's more like I've been humbled in a way that's really making me question whether I actually have what it takes to get clean and wonder whether or not it's even worth it to try in the first place. I mean, I know I can get all those good things back if I get clean again. But now that I know how easy it is to fall back down, I kind of just feel like... what if I do get it all back just to lose it all again? I hate feeling so negative about this. I am an optimist by nature and can easily see the positive in nearly every situation, and feeling this way is really starting to kind of get to me. I'm also an extremely confident person and it feels really weird and gross to be so doubtful of myself.

There is a bright spot though in all this. My friend says he has a job for me up north, trimming... plants. It's $25 an hour, so it's great money, and it's far far away from SoCal. I would have to move there for a few months. I'm really hoping it works out because I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to get away from it all - away from the people and places and everything else - and get some solid clean time under my belt somewhere that I can just be in nature and clear my mind. It's almost like fate is intervening in order to give me a better chance or something, the timing is just so perfect. I really hope it works out.

Anyway, I picked up another Suboxone along with a couple Xanax, so come tomorrow I fully plan on getting right back at it. I really do want to be clean, I want it so bad. I have too much potential to be wasting it like this and life is too beautiful to be experienced behind an opiate-induced veil. I know deep down that this should not be my life. I've always felt since I was little that I was meant to do something bigger with my life, and I want to live up to that for myself and for my family. I refuse to die a heroin addict. :\
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you were in the Marine Corp? MAD respect <3 The guy I'm seeing was a Marine :)

Need to run out to the mall but I'll post more when I get back. They say there are "no geographical cures" but I don't think that's necessarily true. 25 bucks an hour is fantastic for trimming plants. Might do you good to get away and be somewhere new where you don't know where to cop. :)
 
xburtonchic said:
I wish I could come here saying I made it to day 4, but the truth is I ended up copping this morning. :( I feel really discouraged, I'm not going to lie. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I keep doing this dance where I make it a few days then end up caving and it's starting to make me wonder if I'm ever going to be able to do this. I keep trying to remember how I got clean last year, but the reasons I had and the things that motivated me to do it then just aren't around anymore. I more or less destroyed all of those things when I relapsed and went on this last run. I HATE HEROIN ADDICTION SOOO MUCH. I was in the Marine Corps and I can say with 100% honesty that battling addiction is the hardest thing I have EVER done in my LIFE, and that includes boot camp and everything else I dealt with in the military as a female Marine. And I used to think THAT was the worst/hardest period of my life. God, that was a joke compared to this.

Blue, that makes total sense actually. I've seen you talk about it before and I remembered that it worked for you, and believe it or not I actually tried it last night before I even saw your post. And it DID work... for a little while. I realized that my problem is that I don't look far enough ahead. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I am incredibly impulsive. I don't look very far past what's right in front of me, and I think that's why telling myself "heroin will always be there" didn't work for me. It's just... idk, when it was offered to me last night I had this feeling like I just HAD to jump on the opportunity because I wouldn't get it again. What if it's NOT around in the future? If all my old connects disappear and I don't know how to get it anymore? So I might as well do it just one more time while I have the chance, right? At least that's the way my addict brain rationalized it. It's ridiculous, of course, I know this from a logical standpoint. But I've never been too great with being logical, even before I was a drug addict. Sigh. It's something I definitely need to work on.

I wish it was as easy as it was for me last year, but I'm not in that super positive, motivated, gung-ho mindset the way I was then. Having gotten clean, then gotten my life together and having it filled with so much beauty and love and friends and compassion and forgiveness and all that great stuff, only to end up relapsing and losing it all... man that really knocked me down a few pegs. I know humility is a big part of recovery, but I just feel humbled in a way that is not conducive to my recovery... it's more like I've been humbled in a way that's really making me question whether I actually have what it takes to get clean and wonder whether or not it's even worth it to try in the first place. I mean, I know I can get all those good things back if I get clean again. But now that I know how easy it is to fall back down, I kind of just feel like... what if I do get it all back just to lose it all again? I hate feeling so negative about this. I am an optimist by nature and can easily see the positive in nearly every situation, and feeling this way is really starting to kind of get to me. I'm also an extremely confident person and it feels really weird and gross to be so doubtful of myself.

There is a bright spot though in all this. My friend says he has a job for me up north, trimming... plants. It's $25 an hour, so it's great money, and it's far far away from SoCal. I would have to move there for a few months. I'm really hoping it works out because I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to get away from it all - away from the people and places and everything else - and get some solid clean time under my belt somewhere that I can just be in nature and clear my mind. It's almost like fate is intervening in order to give me a better chance or something, the timing is just so perfect. I really hope it works out.

Anyway, I picked up another Suboxone along with a couple Xanax, so come tomorrow I fully plan on getting right back at it. I really do want to be clean, I want it so bad. I have too much potential to be wasting it like this and life is too beautiful to be experienced behind an opiate-induced veil. I know deep down that this should not be my life. I've always felt since I was little that I was meant to do something bigger with my life, and I want to live up to that for myself and for my family. I refuse to die a heroin addict. :\
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Hang in there <3
 
Bought a pair of calf high black suede boots I couldn't really afford, but fuck it. I'm going to wear them on my first day off methadone, no matter how I feel.

xburtonchic - I hope the job comes through for you. As for "What's the point of being clean when I can backslide so easy" - you don't know that it'll be the same this time. A long time ago I spent a year getting nearly clean - no heroin for a year and a half and then tapered down to 10 mg methadone. I was almost there - my life had improved so much - and then I said to hell with it and started up again. But this time is different. I can already tell. This time could be different for you too. You wont know til you try :)
 
I came off of benzos a year ago and still have some symptoms but they seem to be going away, I guess. It's been a really hard year.

Also came off of H and various other opiods 7 months ago. I think a lot if I'll ever be able to do the things I used to, drink coffee, take an ibuprofen, mainly have sex. Very apologetic if I offended anyone, I'm 23 though. I lost my marraige and kid. Just one of those nights I suppose. Much love to everyone.
 
Thanks, Blue and C.H <3 All of you guys here always make me feel better... like seriously everyone's support here means the world to me. It's the only support system I have really, in this area of my life at least. In every other matter I have a wonderful support network, but when it comes to addiction I'm basically on my own IRL lol... my parents have a very strict no-tolerance stance when it comes to relapsing, because all the rehabs and Alanon meetings they ever went to told them that relapse is unacceptable and of course they believed it, it's not like they had any other reference points other than me and why would they listen to their addict daughter over the "professionals"? and my friends mean well for the most part but they don't really understand it at all, a lot of them think it's a matter of just quitting and the rest of them are just wary of me because I've hurt them too many times while in active addiction. AA/NA really does nothing for me, I don't have a doctor or addiction specialist or anything since my health insurance ran out, and my using "friends" are exactly what they sound like they are and the most I can count on them for when I'm trying to get clean is to maybe be courteous enough to not mention dope for a few days before they forget (however most of them just don't give a fuck and will text me daily anyway: "I'm so high right now, I feel so bomb / Can you give me a ride to cop and I'll kick you down? / Hey I have xyz amount for sale, you need?" despite me telling them I'm trying to get clean and that I don't want to hear anything about dope. I have friends who are also in recovery, but I'd rather not... I tried that approach last year, and she is a major factor in why I eventually relapsed. This forum is literally the best thing I have found so far, you guys are awesome, just wanted to say that <3

And yes I was in the Marine Corps, it was both one of the best and one of the worst experiences of my life haha. $25 an hour IS really good, more than I've ever made haha... plus we get free buds from the crops and the owner provides housing for all the employees. I think it will be REALLY good for me honestly, the only person I'll know there is my friend who is an ex-user but probably the ONE exception to the general rule. He's one of those users who you don't consider a junkie because he's completely legit, never steals or does anything shady, is super generous and not greedy or stingy, and is just in general a good guy, so I trust him. He stays clean while he's up there but always relapses when he comes back to SoCal. It's everywhere around here it seems... it will be good to get away, I figure that's a guaranteed couple months of sober time at the very least, and by then I'll be feeling so good that I probably won't even WANT to use when I get back. Plus it's out in nature, apparently the sky at night is breathtaking and you can see all the stars, and my friend says it's just a very peaceful environment and that combined with the physical labor, it's basically the perfect combo for staying clean. I mean whenever I talk to him while he's up there working, he always sounds so happy and talks about how he doesn't even think about using... so yeah. I'm feeling really good about it :)
 
Give_me_some_pants said:
I came off of benzos a year ago and still have some symptoms but they seem to be going away, I guess. It's been a really hard year.

Also came off of H and various other opiods 7 months ago. I think a lot if I'll ever be able to do the things I used to, drink coffee, take an ibuprofen, mainly have sex. Very apologetic if I offended anyone, I'm 23 though. I lost my marraige and kid. Just one of those nights I suppose. Much love to everyone.
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GMSP, sounds like you've been thru hell and back; rode hard and put up wet. Yet you've got some serious clean time off some hard drugs. That is awesome.

I quit opiates and amphetamines in July. I just don't feel right, but I know it will get better.I'm anxious all the time; tired, depressed and lethargic; I cannot organize myself, my day or my work - instead I just plod thru it; I've lost the ability to really express myself - I feel so shitty and depressed all the time but I don't post much about it here because I just can't put the description into words; I guess I feel somewhat retarded mentally.

I thought because I used amphetamines to kick opiates that I'd avoid PAWS,but apparently there is no such thing as a free lunch. What goes up must come down and in the end we pay every cent for the ride....fucking drugs can go fuck off!
 
And AUGUST is in the history books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice work everyone =D


Here is the sepsober thread>>> here <<<


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