I am at the end of the road with my drug use. I've already had multiple ego death experiences and saw the light, and the people in my life now who truly care about me don't use drugs or drink. Yet I can't seem to let go of my fascination with chemicals even though they only destroy me now. I don't know moderation, and a new path in my life that I have come upon has shown me drugs do not hold the key to ultimate understanding and liberation. I guess I give into my demons way too easy and haven't really put my heart into changing. Usually I only start using drugs or drinking nowadays after I watch porn or fap. It sets off something in my brain, a self indulgent neural pathway gets activated and I fall back into the cycle of chasing a high. I fell hard this week after a couple months clean. I need to be more patient with my current life situation and not use anything no matter what.
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Time to move on, why is it so hard to let go?
- Thread starter zyrow
- Start date
Entheogens have already taught me all the lessons I could possibly gain benefit from. I have great respect for people who use substances for the teachings. The last time I tried to trip for sheer pleasure was on 4-ho-mipt and I believe the great tryptamine spirit slapped me right in the face and showed me that it is time to move on and let go of all intoxicants. Meditation and Buddhism are the tools I have available to set myself free. If only I could be more humble and open-minded and listen to my Teacher I could have avoided this pain I am now enduring from this relapse. I really want a loving wife and fulfilling relationship with her but just because I don't have that right now does not mean using drugs or drinking will make me happy or bring me closer to finding a wife, and that my contentment should not be based solely on finding a member of the opposite sex. Every time I fap I feel so bad and empty inside, wasting sexual essence outside a wholesome relationship is what causes me to relapse. I've answered my own question, but please feel free to post. I still have a void inside me from fapping to P last night, even tried to get an escort luckily that did not happen. I feel like going to get some really strong drug right now because of this void which will take a week or two go away as is the old foolish pattern.
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Can you describe what you are moving on from and why you are doing this?
I'm trying to move on from seeking pleasure through chemicals. I'm doing this because deep down inside me I know I won't live up to my full potential if I continue living a lifestyle focused around drugs, and I won't be truly happy until I leave drugs behind me. People close to me tell me they are afraid I will die if I keep using. I almost died a couple months ago on an etizolam and alcohol binge. I don't use drugs responsibly, never have, never will. It would have happened by now. So I would be best off giving them up completely. I've been clean for 5 years until a couple years ago. It was amazing, I want to get back to that long term clear mindedness. I don't like the word sober because it reminds me of 12 step programs and rehabs based on the steps. I never bought into them. But if they work for you then more power to them.
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with the questions im not trying to fuck with you..
Are you actually deriving much pleasure from the use of these chemicals at this time or lately?
No, just escape. I run away from discomfort. And it just so happens I take solace in chemicals and drinking. Like right now I am going to try and find heroin on the street in an unknown area, I've been binging on propylhexedrine since last night. Looking at porn really put a hole inside me last night and I desparately need to not feel this pain. I'm typing on my phone in a motel (I 'ran away' from my apartment with a sober roommate whom we were trying to help each other improve and grow through the living arrangement which was very difficult, I train martial arts with him, and alot of people are worrying about me right now, i am rambling...)but I will be back to this thread when I go home tomorrow.
I know what your saying. so when the cravings come and say they are going to make you feel like an angel? The portion of your brain thats addicted creates the pain and discomfort you want to escape from in order to drive use. If given other options to address this do you think it will help. Will it also help you see through the obstacles you face? 
I know this is really kinda state forward, but since i have been right around where you are at I thought I would see if trying to explain what i faced and how i did it would help you in a similar struggle. I hope this makes sense and does not annoy you or put you off If it does just let me know as this is not my intention at all.
I know this is really kinda state forward, but since i have been right around where you are at I thought I would see if trying to explain what i faced and how i did it would help you in a similar struggle. I hope this makes sense and does not annoy you or put you off If it does just let me know as this is not my intention at all.
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harmacologist
Ex-Bluelighter
its hard to say goodbye to the best of times(happy fun stages), even though you are also saying goodbye to the worst of times(degenerate junky stage)
Again with the questions from me, sorry this shit would drive me nuts, so Im so apprehensive .. but, did this ever exist.. if a portion of it did how much was do to the drug use?
harmacologist
Ex-Bluelighter
No im not at all. what i am exploring is what we are fed when we crave.. sure the images. people, places and things are accurate. But are the experiences associated with our memories accurate. Or are they just a fantastical manipulation designed to make us engage in a behavior desired by a elusive part of our own brains. That is we as addicts are always said to be chasing that first high. Are we sure it ever existed.. and even if it ever did, are our cravings memories composed of a very slight sliver time or the whole movie.. a simple still shot of a second when it may have been amazing or the whole misery involved?
taken as a whole, engaging in active addiction is misery. Not because of the infinite hassles it causes us. but because taken as a whole on a daily basis it makes us feal awful 95% of the time.. and the only time we feal good for 4% of that time is because of how awful we feel the rest of the time due to the addiction. So we end up feeling miserable for for like 99% to feal ok or amazing for a couple seconds. It all comes down to how we are getting played.. and as active addicts we get played so hard it makes me cry. see through how we get played and we no longer get played.
taken as a whole, engaging in active addiction is misery. Not because of the infinite hassles it causes us. but because taken as a whole on a daily basis it makes us feal awful 95% of the time.. and the only time we feal good for 4% of that time is because of how awful we feel the rest of the time due to the addiction. So we end up feeling miserable for for like 99% to feal ok or amazing for a couple seconds. It all comes down to how we are getting played.. and as active addicts we get played so hard it makes me cry. see through how we get played and we no longer get played.
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The relapse is over. The desire is gone. I almost killed myself I think, mixing the downers with alcohol and the propylhexedrine. I also could have been shot or stabbed in the part of town I went to last night, thankfully I made it home without finding any more drugs. Or arrested and sentenced out of a drug court that I am 2 months away from completing.
I've only used this forum while I using drugs in the past, but I am going to explore the sober side of it. I will start with the links in your sig. I always lie to myself and say that I do not have an addiction. But that is such a huge lie. I don't want to be so insensitive and selfish anymore. Addiction ravages life completely. I feel like such a fool for the things I've done.
I've only used this forum while I using drugs in the past, but I am going to explore the sober side of it. I will start with the links in your sig. I always lie to myself and say that I do not have an addiction. But that is such a huge lie. I don't want to be so insensitive and selfish anymore. Addiction ravages life completely. I feel like such a fool for the things I've done.
Sounds like a great first step towards begining a strong recovery. You can do this. Here is another thread that has some great information you may find helpful and informative.
The Brain and Addiction
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
The OP was pretty clear about his inability to do that.
OP, I think that recognizing the powerful fear that we are ingrained with when it comes to our own psychic discomfort can be very useful; we sometimes treat discomfort like acute pain when it doesn't need to be. The longing for intimacy and human connection is probably the root of more discomfort than anything--that is true outside and inside of love relationships. I think making peace with our existential loneliness (alone-ness) while also embracing the perspective of our infallible interconnectedness with all (that entheogens can provide) is a fascinating tangle to ponder.
Each descent into relapse is a learning experience, as painful as it may be. Sharing the experience with others that are going through the same thing is beneficial for everyone. I'm glad you are here!
Thanks. Just curious, are you really a vegetarian or vegan like your name may suggest? Funny thing is I feel so incredibly alone right now whereas right before I quit my job a couple weeks ago I felt awesome and so full of joy inside and spending time with the people who really care about me. Since high school I have always tried to respect psychedelics and viewed them as a way of life for instance like hippies/deadheads have respect towards life. Yet why are substances such a giant part of that lifestyle? I was never able to live that life without consequence as much as I tried to. I realized that drugs are not the way to true Enlightenment, albeit one may have glimpses of supreme peace and perfect understanding of ultimate reality on certain substances, it is not a true liberation as it is only a glimpse and not a complete, permanent spiritual awakening. Perhaps this clip can describe what I'm trying to say better: [video=youtube_share;rqQ3F9YKpuc]http://youtu.be/rqQ3F9YKpuc[/video]The OP was pretty clear about his inability to do that.
OP, I think that recognizing the powerful fear that we are ingrained with when it comes to our own psychic discomfort can be very useful; we sometimes treat discomfort like acute pain when it doesn't need to be. The longing for intimacy and human connection is probably the root of more discomfort than anything--that is true outside and inside of love relationships. I think making peace with our existential loneliness (alone-ness) while also embracing the perspective of our infallible interconnectedness with all (that entheogens can provide) is a fascinating tangle to ponder.
Each descent into relapse is a learning experience, as painful as it may be. Sharing the experience with others that are going through the same thing is beneficial for everyone. I'm glad you are here!
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Maya
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2013
- Messages
- 7,310
IME, it is absolutely hard to let go of anything that we have gotten used to, whether it is drugs, a loved one, a relationship. Most people are scared of change and it is only natural to hold on to these things. I was also in the same situation before and it was hard to let go of my addiction, but when I reflected, I value my life and my family more and these are the things that I am holding onto. We are always going to be tested, we are always going to encounter problems and you should always anticipate that. I have learned that I am my worst enemy and it is up to me to change it. I hope you find that strength in you to fight like I have found mine. Self control does not happen overnight, you need to work on yourself and set small goals hun.
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Interesting thoughts. I think there really is a fun, positive portion of drug use (and some people can always keep it there because they don't have an addiction problem). When I started using opiates I felt amazing, I didn't see any negatives from them in my life. I remember some experiences very clearly. They truly were great, and that's what hooks people, those initial experiences before they've wreaked havoc on their receptors with abuse. I'm sure that there is some degree of "rose-colored glasses" effect when looking back, and that that's one of the mechanisms of addiction to keep a hold on you. But I don't believe that the initial experiences were in fact not that great but your brain turns them into false "great" memories.
Evil0ner
Bluelighter
I know what you're going through OP! I just did a rapid detox 3 weeks ago next Tuesday. I have a naltrexone 3 month implant in me to help me stop from using, and all day long it's all I think about. My girl broke up with me few days ago, due to her insecurities, not from anything I did or said. With me emotional things are what would trigger me to use as much as I could, and the last few days have been quite rough. I'm in a new country where I don't really know anyone and just sit at home trying to get through this shit the best I can. But all day long all I thing about is slamming some opiates! It's driving me nuts! But trying to adjust to not being able to run away from my problems or drown them out by using has been the hardest part for me!
That is helpful, thank you.