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Morality question...

stef^on^e

stef^on^e

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 20, 2004
Messages
51
Location
somewhere in the land downunder
At a high level, I am in a relationship with a guy I love despite him cheating on me. This happened over a year ago, we dealt with it and our relationship progressed.

Recently however I met a guy at work (he is only there temporarily) for whom I am starting to get feelings for. He's an awesome guy, we get along really well and recently hooked up (just kissing) after a few work drinks.

Problem is he has a girlfriend that he really likes and I have a boyfriend that I really love. Would it be immoral for me to try to pursue him? I'm thinking of laying my cards on the table and telling him how I feel but is that a tad too much?

I am super confused atm, any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!
 
stef^on^e said:
At a high level, I am in a relationship with a guy I love despite him cheating on me. This happened over a year ago, we dealt with it and our relationship progressed.

Recently however I met a guy at work (he is only there temporarily) for whom I am starting to get feelings for. He's an awesome guy, we get along really well and recently hooked up (just kissing) after a few work drinks.

Problem is he has a girlfriend that he really likes and I have a boyfriend that I really love. Would it be immoral for me to try to pursue him? I'm thinking of laying my cards on the table and telling him how I feel but is that a tad too much?
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Do you really love your boyfriend? I suspect if you did you wouldn't even consider laying your cards on the table. I guess people have a different conception of the word 'love', but to me if you say you love someone then no one else should ever come between you and that person. Going for drinks when you realized the attraction between you and this person was probably a bad move.. as soon as substances get involved in the dynamic too then it gets messy, especially alcohol.

You've been cheated on so you should know how it feels. I have too. I could never do that to someone. You know when you shouldn't put yourself in a certain position, and there's a moment to make a choice in that instant.. I'd ask yourself why you made the decision you did and think on it until you figure it out.
 
Just gotta do whatever your heart wants. If you resist, it causes all sorts of stupid emotional baggage. Do what you need to do.

I learned that the hard way (many times) and still suffer today from decisions (or indecisions) that I made.

Make YOURSELF happy. Live for YOURSELF. Many people don't realize that self-happiness is important until it's too late. It's cool to be selfless and help others, but YOU have needs too. If it's a fling with the one guy, it's a fling. If not, then you both can become even more intimate.

It's hard to "break a routine" once you settle down with someone, just because it "complicates things". It will only complicate things if you let it.

Be free and godspeed
 
stef^on^e said:
At a high level, I am in a relationship with a guy I love despite him cheating on me. This happened over a year ago, we dealt with it and our relationship progressed.

Recently however I met a guy at work (he is only there temporarily) for whom I am starting to get feelings for. He's an awesome guy, we get along really well and recently hooked up (just kissing) after a few work drinks.

Problem is he has a girlfriend that he really likes and I have a boyfriend that I really love. Would it be immoral for me to try to pursue him? I'm thinking of laying my cards on the table and telling him how I feel but is that a tad too much?

I am super confused atm, any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!
Click to expand...

Okay so, he cheated on you. This has been established, but it seems you haven't really progressed in the relationship if this is a moral quandary for you. Your actions would have equal gravity on this other girl of whom probably doesn't even know that you two kissed after a couple of drinks. Before you lay anything on the table find out if you have any cards.

God speed.
 
Yes, it would be immoral.

It doesn't seem like love if you'd consider cheating.

I mean, unless you have an open relationship.
 
It seems we must fight to the death over the phrase. I challenge thee to a duel!

Meanwhile...

What decision have you come to Op.? I am sort of interested since I've been through this before...
 
It would be immoral only on the grounds you have contractually (yes?) entered into a mongamous relationship.

I think you can still be in love(tut tut llama!), but ANALYZE for your sake where these feelings for this guy come from. What is it about him? what is it about YOU that means you're attracted to him in particular when you have a boyfriend, and what needs is your fella not fulfilling?

Tell your boyfriend you have a fancy, tell him you kissed him, tell him you would like to pursue more - be honest, BECAUSE you are in a mono-amourous relationship. Otherwise, unless you exposed yourself to STDs it would be totally up to you whether you told them or not, guilt free.
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
I think you can still be in love(tut tut llama!), but ANALYZE for your sake where these feelings for this guy come from. What is it about him? what is it about YOU that means you're attracted to him in particular when you have a boyfriend, and what needs is your fella not fulfilling?
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Nothing wrong with having a crush on someone else but cheating is another level.
 
Thank you all for the advice, it has definitely given me loads to think about. I think I really do need to reassess whether my current relationship is for me because I know cheating is a dangerous road to go down on. With respect to this other guy, the more I think about it the more superficial the attraction seems so I don't think its worth me doing anything about it especially at the moment.
 
stef^on^e said:
Thank you all for the advice, it has definitely given me loads to think about. I think I really do need to reassess whether my current relationship is for me because I know cheating is a dangerous road to go down on. With respect to this other guy, the more I think about it the more superficial the attraction seems so I don't think its worth me doing anything about it especially at the moment.
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Definitely wanna do what's best long term. It's easy to get into a fling. There are all sorts of charming people out there. Temptation can be very challenging.

Tell your man how you feel, like mentioned previously. A real man forgives a woman. A real man also does not cheat in the first place lol.. But this may be a good way to see if he has the same level of compassion and forgiveness that you gave him.

Ultimately it would make you both stronger, not to mention the superficial guy is probably looking for some "strange" and if you both had intercourse and the other woman found out... She would be in the same world of hurt you were in when your long term man cheated on you. The superficial guys interest may not even extend past sex, many many times, that's the case.

Good luck!!!
 
stef^on^e said:
Thank you all for the advice, it has definitely given me loads to think about. I think I really do need to reassess whether my current relationship is for me because I know cheating is a dangerous road to go down on. With respect to this other guy, the more I think about it the more superficial the attraction seems so I don't think its worth me doing anything about it especially at the moment.
Click to expand...

Yeah, very good insight there.

But remember, cheating is not necessary as long as you are honest that you might not be mono-amourous. Nothing wrong with being polyamourous - airy mental-type people often do not have the grounding to concentrate all into one significant other, so spreading it about a few lovers is nothing abhorrent(except in our society which says that natural mammalian ways are disgusting behaviours), just at odds with what seems to be expected.

Remember - if you want to get what you want, truly from teh heart, then honesty and openness is key.

ONE love
 
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