Bad month...

[fizzymk]

Ive been pretty busy at work lately as I got a promotion, but the new position is alot more work, and alot more phone calls, emails, texts with my boss, not to mention trying to manage a major opiate addiction too! I got lucky last month, I had to go out of town for 3 days and when i called in my script of methadone to my doctors office, they apparently thought I was asking for it to be filled early, which they did, 4 days early! I was pretty happy, but when they fill it early like this, it still has to last until your next refill date, so me being such an addict, when I got the script filled early, I kept telling myself Im NOT going to abuse it this month and make it last at least 25 days...well, as soon as I got the bottle, of course all that was forgotten and I was popping them like candy, slowed down a bit when I got halfway thru the bottle, but could not make it last, and I cant get it filled until monday of next week!!!

I went and got a half gram H earlier, and it was nice, but I know when this wears off, Ill be right back in the shit! Luckily I get a paycheck tuesday so Im going to get about 3g and try as hard as I can to make it last at least 3 days...Im really getting sick of this shit, Virtually EVERY DIME of extra money I have monthly goes straight to my addiction, If I didnt have this damn demon, I could have a much better life.

I hope I can get thru this week, but Im speaking the truth when I pray in the morning when I leave the house, a truck would slam my car on the freeway and put me out of my misery, then I wouldnt have to deal with this nasty w/d shit every fucking month.

One of my good friends who is about the only one who knows how bad my addiction is, told me nothing is likely to change with me until something major happens, like me loosing my income source/ job, getting kicked out of my pain mgt doctor office (for pissing dirty), or getting busted with H...and she was right, Im not going to change, and will probably just keep doing the same thing each and every month until something happens to throw a wrench into it all. LOL

The thing that scares me the most is my connection getting caught...always sitting there in the back of my mind when i go to cop, worrying if my connections cell phone is being watched, my area, there is a shit load of drug task forces, I know my connection is pretty small time, but still, police dont care, their out to get anyone they can! LOL

I really have no reason to be so paranoid about the above tho, as in the many years ive known these people, nothing has ever happened, but like many of you all, Im sure that is always on your mind.

Sorry to ramble on and vent, just extremely nervous about this week.

 

[T. Calderone]

I agree with your friend that likely nothing will change until something bad happens to you. Even then, you'll still find ways to continue getting high. You sound like you want the misery to end but don't know how to go about making it happen. What is your goal here, do you want to get clean?

 

[fizzymk]

I agree with your friend that likely nothing will change until something bad happens to you. Even then, you'll still find ways to continue getting high. You sound like you want the misery to end but don't know how to go about making it happen. What is your goal here, do you want to get clean?

To be honest...I dont know, I absolutely LOVE the high, my DOC is actually methadone, (but would probably be heroin if I could afford to use 2-3 grams each and every day) I can easily afford my monthly methadone script and Im able to function pretty well for about 2.5 weeks out of the month, but lately, even when I get my methadone script filled, Im still kinda craving the Heroin.

The thing that irks me the most, is I know I will NEVER get anywhere above where Im at now, cuz all my extra money goes to dope, and sometimes I use bill money and then have to find the money when the bill comes due. Ive borrowed so much money from friends this past year.

What scares me the most is getting arrested, cuz I know the suffering would be much worse if I had to go thru w/ds in jail, plus, you cant even smoke cigarettes in jail, so I would be freaking out from nicotine AND opiate w/d...while in a shitty enviroment, at least now, Im able to stay in my apt, fairly comfortable, can come and go and do as I like, but everytime I go to meet my connection, I usually get there first and have to wait a few minutes, this period always worries me the most, and what if cops suddenly swarm me and know what Im doing there.

We had a close call ONE TIME, back about a year ago, I pulled into a local dollar store parking lot, (where my connection told me to meet), so she pulls up and we exchange, as she is getting into her car a cop pulls behind us and comes to my car first, he asks what we are doing there, tells us they have alot of people here doing drug deals...Im scared, but remain calm, (but had 2 grams right in my cigarette pack sitting on the passenger seat!!!)...luckily my connection sent his GF, who I have known for a long time, and we were friends before the drugs, so I told the cop I was there just meeting a friend, thank God, she told him the same story, I dont think he believed us 100% but after running our driver licenses, he let us go...After this event, my connection changed how and where they do exchanges, and no problems since...BUT that worry is still always there with me when im sitting there for those few minutes.

The point to the above though, Im still willing to take that risk when Im w/d ing...that scares me, cuz I know how risky it is, and I know if I ever get busted like this, I will loose my job, loose my apt, loose my car, basically loose everything.

 

[herbavore]

Aren't you tired of living in a constant state of fear? You are being rational when you fear losing everything or fear getting arrested. Why not get help to stop all this? WD's may be horrible but the damage you are doing to your life--internally and externally--sounds much worse to me.

 

[edgewise1]

It's unfortunate, but true, that most addicts do not make the decision to get clean, and I mean 100% on the decision to get clean, UNTIL they hit rock bottom. Rock bottom can come about from the things you have already thought about or from other things. But there are always exceptions to the rule. You are on methadone for chronic pain? Does the prescribed amount actually take care obf your pain, if used as prescribed? And, is it possible to request a higher dosage?

I've been there with running out of my meds early, but after doing this several times I had to make a conscious decision about getting high and having wds for 7-10 days out of the month, or taking them correctly and having NO withdrawal concerns....well I made the decision and though it took some missteps along the way I finally made it. I still have the desire to get high, after all I am an addict that just happened to have an injury that will require pain medication for the remainder of my life, and have found ways to potentiate my meds 2/3 times a week and get the high I miss.

I hope you make it through the next several days with as little pain as possible.

Btw I know what you mean about spending disposable income on drugs and even money that should have been used for bills....whew, was I ever glad to see that end! You will also.

 

[fizzymk]

It's unfortunate, but true, that most addicts do not make the decision to get clean, and I mean 100% on the decision to get clean, UNTIL they hit rock bottom. Rock bottom can come about from the things you have already thought about or from other things. But there are always exceptions to the rule. You are on methadone for chronic pain? Does the prescribed amount actually take care obf your pain, if used as prescribed? And, is it possible to request a higher dosage?

I've been there with running out of my meds early, but after doing this several times I had to make a conscious decision about getting high and having wds for 7-10 days out of the month, or taking them correctly and having NO withdrawal concerns....well I made the decision and though it took some missteps along the way I finally made it. I still have the desire to get high, after all I am an addict that just happened to have an injury that will require pain medication for the remainder of my life, and have found ways to potentiate my meds 2/3 times a week and get the high I miss.

I hope you make it through the next several days with as little pain as possible.

Btw I know what you mean about spending disposable income on drugs and even money that should have been used for bills....whew, was I ever glad to see that end! You will also.

Ive tried asking for a higher dosage from my pain clinic, but they are hesitant to up me, they told me they have to consider how many years a person will be on a certain drug and prescribe accordingly, Im 39, so not that young, but if I have to stay on that strong of a pain med for the rest of my life...that is ALOT of years, Im sure they are watching their own ass as far as the DEA goes too!

Plus, Ive been warned by other patients there, if you ask for increase in dosages too often, they consider it DSB (drug seeking behavior) and once thats in your file, you will be lucky to ever get an increase.

As far as the dosage Im supposed to take..Yes it does take my back pain away, but need a lil bit more to get my 'head' feeling good, and that lil bit extra every single day adds up quickly!

Another problem, when I do run out and start my heroin binge, by the time its ready to fill my script again, Im kinda preferring the H over the methadone, but usually by that time, Im down to a bare bones wallet.

Im going to truly try this month tho, at least make it so I only have to go a few days without.