TDS Bipolarity and BPD - Alter Ego?

[PurpleKush1]

Im Bipolar and have BPD. Im 20 yo. I just see this pattern in me that is almost like an alter ego. Its fucking strange.

I abused Coke,Meth,Alcohol,Opiates,Weed and tried other shit in the last 4 years. I overdosed 4 times. Im clean off everything except benzos. Thats my latest and hardest addiction. I went from popping between 15 to 20 xanax pills and drinking and snorting Zoplidem on top of dat 6 months ago to 4 x 0.5 mg Kpins a day and a pachk and a half of smokes.

The pattern I see is that while my principles and ways to view the world seem to stay the same, its like theres two me's.

There is the me who smiles, can be sociable, laughing, making new <<friends>>, talking with girls, etc.

And then you got the me who isolates himself, just sees dark everywhere, goes on ambien and benzo binges, just thinks about ways to self destructing even more,mysoginistic and sadistic tendencies manifest.

The second person was not there until i broke up with my ex which was a good thing. She was just $$ loss and nerve loss and cold hearted bitch. The break up isnt what is affecting me. Could they have mistake Bipolarity with Alter Egos or is this just very developped Bipolarity?

Shtisfucked.

 

[herbavore]

No matter what labels you or anyone else might call it, it is really your thoughts that you are dealing with. Your thoughts can be analyzed and understood and changed. It is pretty common after a broken heart to have angry thoughts about not just the person that rejected you or hurt you but about their whole gender. But when you can step back and say, "Is that really true? Why am I thinking this? What does it make me feel and what would I rather feel?" you can actually change overwhelming emotions just by changing the thoughts you frame them with.

I too can be incredibly social and incredibly isolationist at the same time. I imagine that you are young but I've had a lifetime to learn to balance these two needs in myself. I think the key is to feed them both. Never let one tendency overwhelm the other. This is really important when it comes to "alone time" because we tend to put a negative spin on it. Make time for friends and relationships but make time to be alone and cultivate the most important relationship of all--the one you have with your authentic self.

 

[PurpleKush1]

Thank u for the reply. My thoughts seem to take over too easily. I act too emotionally and cant change that. And that second me is who iwas for 4 years straight when i was abusing stims and opies and even benzos back in december its miracle im still here. Its not about isolating, its into getting into that deep dark trippy benzoed out atmosphere. i dont know how to explain it. And the break up well okay i binged on xanax for two days and just got over it. I hate her now and frogot her completly. This behavior doesnt make any sense. I can make friends easily but i practically dont trust no one. And your are right the most important the most important rlationship is with yourselves. But thata relationship is...well fucked. Thank you for taking time to reply

 

[herbavore]

I don't have experience with the dark thoughts associated with benzo use but have read about it a lot on here and certainly saw my own son become much darker on both benzos and stims. It was as if he got pulled down into a current of anger--everything was everyone's fault but his and he was out for revenge. The best thing you can do is to stay far away from the substances that drag you down. Cultivate positivity in whatever ways it feels good to you--yoga, reading philosophical or spiritual books, hiking, surfing--whatever it takes.

 

[PurpleKush1]

Stims make me psychotic nowadays as a much as a hit of Meth so i dont fuck with them anymore. I dont like being up anyways anymore. I obviously cant stay away from klonopin, i dont take it even t oget high just deal with my anxiety. And like the <<second me>> abuses it and mixes it with other pharms. Im even more obssessed with opiates butIts a bit harder to get those prescribed. See i dont do anything you mentionned as yoga and all. I either work or listen to dark rap music. Very rarely go out. I think the second me is really who I am, and that the first person is just an illusion i suceeded to create. That woulda make sense. Thank you again for replying.

 

[CosmicG]

I can relate to this in a lot of ways as i also have been diagnosed bipolar years ago and take lamictal to cope with that. It helps with anger but does nothing to help deal with my self destructive alter ego. Im 24 and did all the drugs you mentioned alongside many more for almost eight years. I can say that i have now been clean of all hard drugs for a little over a year now, though i do take ativan daily as prescribed and smoke weed practically all day long.

I guess what i am trying to say is just because i dont do the things that i used to does not mean that my alter ego is gone. I can go from caring and compassionate to selfish asshole in a second, but i handle things better now. In order to really change we need to change our thoughts, and i have not been able to do that with much success other then just keeping them at bay. Consider the people in your life that you love and that love you. If you have anyone like that in your life consider what it is your actions do to them. This is what has stopped me from ultimately destroying myself and others around me. We are certainly not alone.

 

[PurpleKush1]

I can relate to this in a lot of ways as i also have been diagnosed bipolar years ago and take lamictal to cope with that. It helps with anger but does nothing to help deal with my self destructive alter ego. Im 24 and did all the drugs you mentioned alongside many more for almost eight years. I can say that i have now been clean of all hard drugs for a little over a year now, though i do take ativan daily as prescribed and smoke weed practically all day long.

I guess what i am trying to say is just because i dont do the things that i used to does not mean that my alter ego is gone. I can go from caring and compassionate to selfish asshole in a second, but i handle things better now. In order to really change we need to change our thoughts, and i have not been able to do that with much success other then just keeping them at bay. Consider the people in your life that you love and that love you. If you have anyone like that in your life consider what it is your actions do to them. This is what has stopped me from ultimately destroying myself and others around me. We are certainly not alone.

I dont take anything else then benzos usually clonazepam errday. Cant smoke weed, that used to help, but thanks to a fucked Up E pill i mite never be able to smoke again. I did other shit then what i mentionned, PCP, Ketamine, MDMA, Crack but not enough to say its abuse (crack and mdma yeah but it was short lived a few months). MDMA fucked my brain more then pretty much everything. I was never a fan of psychs.

But yeah that second ego is more of sadistic,violent,self destructive and psychotic. Like i was when i was doing meth and coke binges. And is just like fuck you, you and everybody. And i have no control over it. If i take loads of benzos i just get lost. But thats doesnt solve the problem.
About the people around me, i pretty much fucked off everybody from my life. I dont think anybody actually loves. Mite aprreciate my company but thats it. have to find another way. Suggestion? And thank you alot for replying and sharing

 

[CosmicG]

The only thing i can think of is to try and make ammends to the people you have pushed out of your life, but only if it is worth it to you of course. Everyone needs people to care for and to care for them in some way or another. If this is not a realistic option you could make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive influences and people.

Even with all of the support in the world however you are the one who ultimately has to make the changes. If you think this darkside you have is truly the real you then the change must come from within and you have to really want to stop. For me the guilt I feel about the choices I have made and the effects that they have had on the people around me is heavy, and that is what keeps me from going back.

It took me an incredibly long time to get to this point progress has been very slow, but it can without a doubt be considered progress I think. It is hard for someone like myself to give great advice as I am still feeling quite lost. Pay attention to what your conscience tells you, for it can not be ignored forever. Get down to the root of it all and figure out what created this alter ego in the first place.

 

[PurpleKush1]

WHy make amends to them if they were are all Fake? Your ideas are good but not easily done. I work but apart from that I stay home listening to Dark ass Rap music Horrocore etc. ANd like you said i think the second dark violent me is the real me. Not the illusion of a happy person i created. Because thats what it is, an illusion. My conscience tells me i'm better than this world and i cant stop thinking about opiates. I feel no guilt for what i did, the people i hurt,etc. Guess we could say im ultimately doomed?

 

[t-girl72]

Ok.....no you're not ultimately doomed. I have Bipolar Type 1 which is really fucking bad. I didn't read all of the responses because I'm too lazy and thought I'd get tot the point. What you are feeling (and I'm a 4 year psych student with focus on abuse and addiction, but also a Bipolar addict) is 100% accurate for the diagnosis of Bipolar. Email me at tara.kielich.72@gmail. Too much to type here

 

[PurpleKush1]

gmail. what lol

 

[MakaveliTheDon]

I know how you feel, i was born from a two bipolar smack addicts and picked it up. Its awesome that you are self-aware enough to describe your feelings in that way, half the time i cant. anyways, the benzos will have to go better now than later. i was taking 6mg sublingually every day last year, wound up getting arrested several times and had a forced 1 month detox using Depakote and Seroquel. my life has been shit since, but i guess the w/d's last awhile and make your BPD symptoms insane. just remember if you choose to do it, that all of your impulses for drugs / suicide will come on and off, unpredictably. those arent anywhere near the worse symptoms, but they stick for atleast a year im guessing.

 

[PurpleKush1]

I know how you feel, i was born from a two bipolar smack addicts and picked it up. Its awesome that you are self-aware enough to describe your feelings in that way, half the time i cant. anyways, the benzos will have to go better now than later. i was taking 6mg sublingually every day last year, wound up getting arrested several times and had a forced 1 month detox using Depakote and Seroquel. my life has been shit since, but i guess the w/d's last awhile and make your BPD symptoms insane. just remember if you choose to do it, that all of your impulses for drugs / suicide will come on and off, unpredictably. those arent anywhere near the worse symptoms, but they stick for atleast a year im guessing.

Fucking seroquel that shit me str8 up zombie and and insane. And totally incherent. maybe because i was taking after stims and smoking weed with it but still fuck that. And depakote as well. I dont know should i get 100 % clean off benzos. I stopped the abuse completly and im at 2 mg clonazepam a day which is ike 1 / 8 of the habit i had this winter. Something happened in my life and it changed me for the better again. But i know that the other me is still there, just waiting for bad moment to come out and thts fuckign scaring me,.

 

[paranoid android]

That sounds sort of like me at times and yes i have bipolar. I can be the happiest guy on the planet then i'll just get sick of everything and look for a escape whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, etc. I'll end up doing some of the dumbest most fucked up shit and then wonder after why i did it at all. But i think everyone is like that to some degree. I have gotten better at controlling the more manic slightly nuts side of me then when i was younger but i still struggle with it. I don't know if i mellowed out because i got older or because i got wiser. Either way i feel alot less chaotic now then in my middle 20's put it that way.

 

[Cliffy78]

What's up bro, fellow nutjob here, lol. Dude I know exactly what ur sayin man, were all a little different but were all the same too(us nutters I mean). I don't got the bipolar just the major depressive shit with some schitzo on the side for good measure lol. Anyway man I hear u bro u feel like that good u is the front, the side u feel u have to show to society to not get labeled and/or persecuted. The other u, the drug user chill maniac dude is u when ur alone at the crib being yourself, being real. Everybody's got that I think, even some of the normies lol. With people like us(and our fellow posters) is we take shit to whole nother level. But fuck dude the benzos ain't doin shit but stressin u more I think bro. Your doc seems to be our good buddy mr opiate. I'm pretty sure those benzos ain't making u feel "good", I could be wrong but... Anyway bro just know there's a shitload of us bro, your far from alone dealing with this shit. Your still young and u can turn it around still man, in another 5-10 yrs it's gonna be much much harder bro. You enjoy being "u", but you hate it too I bet. It's so fucking hard and confusing man, especially at 20yrs old, shit man it's rough, I remember that age. I grew up the same way, listened to the same music caught the same charges did the same(if not more) time. Shit ur doin time right now but ur free. Fuck man, dude I'm fucked up too bro but I'm 35 now, the violent me faded a bit but he still lurks. The question really is- do u still want to be in the same boat 15yrs from now? You've got a chance to change a bit while you still got time. It'll take some hard work, therapy(new dr maybe?), and just letting the benzos go man. Wtf r they doin for u anyway? I doubt ur getting high on them anymore. Why bother? I'm just callin it like this bro cause your no lost cause yet...

 

[Lolie]

Another person with bipolar disorder checking in. Your experience sounds pretty typical and I agree that at times it's difficult to reconcile what often seem like diametrically opposed aspects of ourselves.

One thing to remember is that bipolar disorder amplifies everything, the positive and the negative. Even mania itself can manifest as negative emotions rather than euphoria.

I know that you know this, but benzos won't treat the underlying disorder. Only the right mood stabilisers and/or antipsychotics as well as learning to recognise and act upon the signs that you're decompensating will do that. No-one can tell you what that combination will be for you, but it's best to find out sooner rather than later.

It's now believed that there's a "kindling" effect involved with bipolar disorder and that every episode (whether you recognise it as an episode or not) which isn't prevented makes it more likely that you'll have more frequent and more severe episodes in the future. Bipolar disorder has one of the highest completed suicide rates of all the mental health disorders and one of the highest rates of disability. It causes people to have to start from scratch over and over again if it isn't well managed.

Managing bipolar disorder isn't an easy adjustment to make. We're used to experiencing extremes and living without them can feel "wrong" and "empty" for a while. It takes a while to discover who you are and become comfortable in the absence of those extremes.

What you've described in relation to your recent feelings sounds an awful lot like either switching states (from manic to depressive) or entering a mixed state. It would be a really good idea to seek professional mental health care. The abruptness with which mania can end can be startling at times and very confusing if you don't understand what's happening. I've literally gone from something being the most important thing in my life one day to not caring about it at all (really not caring, not just pretending to not care) the next multiple times, not to mention the more well known happiness to despair cycle.

Nothing you've mentioned is at all unusual for bipolar disorder. I'd probably also take the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis with a grain of salt until your bipolar disorder is under control.

 

[PurpleKush1]

That sounds sort of like me at times and yes i have bipolar. I can be the happiest guy on the planet then i'll just get sick of everything and look for a escape whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, etc. I'll end up doing some of the dumbest most fucked up shit and then wonder after why i did it at all. But i think everyone is like that to some degree. I have gotten better at controlling the more manic slightly nuts side of me then when i was younger but i still struggle with it. I don't know if i mellowed out because i got older or because i got wiser. Either way i feel alot less chaotic now then in my middle 20's put it that way.

Ive gotten better at controlling the violent and manic side too. It manifests only when im alone. My had is broken i4 places from htting walls, the middle bone is seconds away froom cracking from the pressure, one of my knuckles inerve dead. Rage. But im getting bettter on that aspect.

Recently something happened to me that changed life around, the girl of my dreams. We are together. I have a legirt reason to not continue down this road because i have something i care about now. alot. I dont care about myself, but I do care about her. At the same time i know this can be dangeroous...

What's up bro, fellow nutjob here, lol. Dude I know exactly what ur sayin man, were all a little different but were all the same too(us nutters I mean). I don't got the bipolar just the major depressive shit with some schitzo on the side for good measure lol. Anyway man I hear u bro u feel like that good u is the front, the side u feel u have to show to society to not get labeled and/or persecuted. The other u, the drug user chill maniac dude is u when ur alone at the crib being yourself, being real. Everybody's got that I think, even some of the normies lol. With people like us(and our fellow posters) is we take shit to whole nother level. But fuck dude the benzos ain't doin shit but stressin u more I think bro. Your doc seems to be our good buddy mr opiate. I'm pretty sure those benzos ain't making u feel "good", I could be wrong but... Anyway bro just know there's a shitload of us bro, your far from alone dealing with this shit. Your still young and u can turn it around still man, in another 5-10 yrs it's gonna be much much harder bro. You enjoy being "u", but you hate it too I bet. It's so fucking hard and confusing man, especially at 20yrs old, shit man it's rough, I remember that age. I grew up the same way, listened to the same music caught the same charges did the same(if not more) time. Shit ur doin time right now but ur free. Fuck man, dude I'm fucked up too bro but I'm 35 now, the violent me faded a bit but he still lurks. The question really is- do u still want to be in the same boat 15yrs from now? You've got a chance to change a bit while you still got time. It'll take some hard work, therapy(new dr maybe?), and just letting the benzos go man. Wtf r they doin for u anyway? I doubt ur getting high on them anymore. Why bother? I'm just callin it like this bro cause your no lost cause yet...

Honestly i think if i continue like this ill be dead in a few years max. My heart is in bad condition because of all the alcohol and stims. Benzos are making reality livable. I havent been one day sober, ONE day, since i was 15. Always something. I couldnt smoke weed anymore so I replaced with other shit. Ive been trough all the main addictions. I was thinking of getting RX flunitraz for sleep (beacuse i got bitch ass insomnia on top fo that ) + soma to relax my muscles, i got some legit strong pain in the back,knee and hand. I cant decided whter to up my dosage or stop the benzos. They make the crazy side of me controllable. They dont calm down the agressivity though, on the opposite they can make me rage so fucking bad. Like i said in reply to the first post I now have someone i relly care about. A pearl. This is what makes me think off dropping of the benzos. Maybe try to live onday sober? what you think about that?

Another person with bipolar disorder checking in. Your experience sounds pretty typical and I agree that at times it's difficult to reconcile what often seem like diametrically opposed aspects of ourselves.

One thing to remember is that bipolar disorder amplifies everything, the positive and the negative. Even mania itself can manifest as negative emotions rather than euphoria.

I know that you know this, but benzos won't treat the underlying disorder. Only the right mood stabilisers and/or antipsychotics as well as learning to recognise and act upon the signs that you're decompensating will do that. No-one can tell you what that combination will be for you, but it's best to find out sooner rather than later.

It's now believed that there's a "kindling" effect involved with bipolar disorder and that every episode (whether you recognise it as an episode or not) which isn't prevented makes it more likely that you'll have more frequent and more severe episodes in the future. Bipolar disorder has one of the highest completed suicide rates of all the mental health disorders and one of the highest rates of disability. It causes people to have to start from scratch over and over again if it isn't well managed.

Managing bipolar disorder isn't an easy adjustment to make. We're used to experiencing extremes and living without them can feel "wrong" and "empty" for a while. It takes a while to discover who you are and become comfortable in the absence of those extremes.

What you've described in relation to your recent feelings sounds an awful lot like either switching states (from manic to depressive) or entering a mixed state. It would be a really good idea to seek professional mental health care. The abruptness with which mania can end can be startling at times and very confusing if you don't understand what's happening. I've literally gone from something being the most important thing in my life one day to not caring about it at all (really not caring, not just pretending to not care) the next multiple times, not to mention the more well known happiness to despair cycle.

Nothing you've mentioned is at all unusual for bipolar disorder. I'd probably also take the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis with a grain of salt until your bipolar disorder is under control.

Your descprton is very accurate. I refuse to take other medeicien then ambien,benzosmuscle relaxers or opies though. If im going to pop pills might aswell be something i can get a kick off. Drinking helped the first months back in 2013 until i got fat and wa drinking a L of gin and 12 coronas a day. Im skinny agai now after the ebnzo taper. I think BPD is justified because I really fi tthe symptoms. Easy change on how seeing others, from bad to good in asec, self mutilation and destuction, etc.

Docs try to put me on anti psychs or SSRIS and I tell em to fuck off. Im done with that. Maybe there is a way of living like this whitout taking any drug?

PS: I want to say to all of you your replies are very appreciated. It helps having people who canactually understand you and exchaning experiences and advice. Lets not this thread, there is other people who mite be reading this and getting help from it who knows. Thank you everybody!

 

[Cliffy78]

It's nothin dude, no worries. I'd just be thinkin about copping anyways, lol. Nice to talk to peeps I can relate to. There sure as fuck ain't none in rl that's for sure.

Sweet dude now u got a nice chick, niccce. If u keep doing benzos you might forget she exists, lmfao!! Just kidding bro. I don't bother with those anymore man. I was getting 75 1mg kpins a month and I'd eat them in 2 days. I kept forgetting I already took 5!! Lmfao!!! Pure madness bro I'm tellin u.. Our brains work so much different. It's fucked because dude, look at all these posts, everyone is fuckin smart, no morons here. If we all joined together there's no limit to the shit we could all accomplish together. It's just alone we feel weak, alone and powerless. I think that's how the "man" wants it, and we play right into it. Anyways kush , seriously, dude the benzos are wicked self destructive. That sweet girl you got will leave if u don't find a way to deal with these issues other than pounding bottles of benzos. I mean I know how it is, you'll get in a mood and be like," well if she leaves then that just proves she didn't really love me" or "better she leaves now cause later it'll hurt more", something along those lines. Not when ur sane but that's how you'll think on a bender or when ur manic. Anyway dude no matter what we understand and most of us ain't goin nowhere so keep the dialogue going bro. Were all here to help each other get through. That what makes blulight so damn awesome IMO...

 

[PurpleKush1]

It's nothin dude, no worries. I'd just be thinkin about copping anyways, lol. Nice to talk to peeps I can relate to. There sure as fuck ain't none in rl that's for sure.

Sweet dude now u got a nice chick, niccce. If u keep doing benzos you might forget she exists, lmfao!! Just kidding bro. I don't bother with those anymore man. I was getting 75 1mg kpins a month and I'd eat them in 2 days. I kept forgetting I already took 5!! Lmfao!!! Pure madness bro I'm tellin u.. Our brains work so much different. It's fucked because dude, look at all these posts, everyone is fuckin smart, no morons here. If we all joined together there's no limit to the shit we could all accomplish together. It's just alone we feel weak, alone and powerless. I think that's how the "man" wants it, and we play right into it. Anyways kush , seriously, dude the benzos are wicked self destructive. That sweet girl you got will leave if u don't find a way to deal with these issues other than pounding bottles of benzos. I mean I know how it is, you'll get in a mood and be like," well if she leaves then that just proves she didn't really love me" or "better she leaves now cause later it'll hurt more", something along those lines. Not when ur sane but that's how you'll think on a bender or when ur manic. Anyway dude no matter what we understand and most of us ain't goin nowhere so keep the dialogue going bro. Were all here to help each other get through. That what makes blulight so damn awesome IMO...

Youre a smart person Cliffy. I cut off .25 mg today im down to 1.75 mg. I feel like fucking shit. That girl really is sweet and it's for us that I decided to drop the benzos. I know the feel bro. When i was eating around 10 mg xanax a day id have those pink footballs 0.5 id very often eat two three in a hour because i kept forgetting if i took it or no and i was a total fat zombie. I lost 25 kgs - around 60 lbs in the last 5 months. Im 6 feet 2 and weigh 150 lbs. I was 120 when i was 18 because of stims but thats another obssesion. Stay slim its strange as fuck.

You are right if we all keep together we could do alot. TO be honest bluelight has its fair dose of idiots, but there is so much smart people and genuine i met here. Its nice to talk to somebody i can relate too.

 

[Cliffy78]

Shit bro that's a pretty big jump from 1.75mg to .25mg a day. It might be a bit easier on u to only drop .25mg per day or per 3days. I'd reduce every 3days but I'm really sensitive when it comes to w/d so idk for sure. Cutting out 1.5mg that quick will make u feel like shit...