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Relationships after addiction

nathanjkd

nathanjkd

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
33
I have been not clean 100% but I am stable, but I am almost 26 now but I have not had a proper girlfriend since I was 16.
I spent 9 years in addiction, and now i'm getting my life back on track and the drugs aren't numbing that desire for relationships anymore, I am thinking more and more about finding a nice woman I can have a meaningful relationship with, that I can look after and make happy.

Problem is I have not had a girlfriend is a long time and I sometimes still feel unworthy of love, unattractive and like I don't deserve a woman.

Does anyone have any advice, I know that I need some help.

I'm 25 year old man, I'm tall, I guess mildly attractive, at least not ugly. I tain a lot and have a good body.
I am in my 2nd year at university, training to become a Paramedic.
I am very loyal, outgoing and I want a long term relationship, not just a one night stand, I would rather have sex with a woman I love than unemotional sex with someone I don't care about.

Growing up I was very close to my older sister, and because of this I respect and love women, and am much more in tune with my and women's feelings and body language. And I am the type of person that would never cheat and I am very loyal.

I have always been closer to women then men, all my friends are women. I have been told countless times by women that I am much more in tune than other men. Other guys do shit like tell a woman he loves her just to get sex, where as I like to focus on foreplay etc. where other men just care about there own needs, there own sexual needs.

To the women on this forum, what do you think about me, my attertude etc. Do you think I have the right approach/out-look?.
 
I know how u feel. I kinda feel the same way and am in the same boat. I'm afraid to get to know ppl, but I do want to start dating and a relationship, but at the same time, I worry that I'm not yet ready to handle it if I'm not 100% clean. It's very tricky I think. I guess things will come when they are ready?! I dunno myself :(
 
It will come but remember you have to be good with you, before you can love someone else, gotta love yourself.
 
Three relationships in every parnership between two humans. Your relationship with yourself, your partner's relationship with themselves, and the relationship between the two of you. Without all those functioning correctly a relationship will never be healthy.

Sounds like you have some issues with your relationship with yourself maybe? I might be wrong but there is definitely a degree of insecurity that seems to be coming through from your post despite all the positive stuff you have going on. That confidence and security in yourself is what many women find attractive above anything else in my experience.

Also, from a male point of view, maybe you are leaning towards that 'friendzone' with women simply because you are so used to being around them. I hate to sound like an arsehole, but there is an element of certain primal predatory behaviour that both men and women often find attractive in the mating game. Many women like to feel that primal attraction which can be the difference between a friendship relationship and a sexual relationship.

Anyway, I know fuck all about women really so I'll stop there. Confidence in yourself though, I know you need that, and I know you need to be 'getting out there' to meet new people.
 
^^Agree with you my friend. Women want someone who in a sense takes what they want. Flirt, be dominant, tease them, but know where the line is. It makes them feel wanted and desired. Every time I act as if I know I can get the girl, I do. Don't hesitate, don't tread too lightly with what you want.
 
Do you have plans of becoming 100% clean any time soon? -not that i am an NA enthusiast, but - I think NA suggests a year of clean time before making any major relationship changing decisions (both separating or pursuing new ones). The deal with that is, depending on severity of the addiction, PAWS can last up to a year (of course it could be much shorter or longer, your milage may vary). If 100% sobriety is your goal then I'd work on yourself and worry about relationships later.

Whatever you do, avoid relationships with other people with substance abuse issues (past or present as any addict in recovery can relapse). I am currently an addict and my wife is currently an addict in recovery, but when we were both using, that shit got out of control. We could talk each other into the worst possible situations.
 
"Three relationships in every parnership between two humans. Your relationship with yourself, your partner's relationship with themselves, and the relationship between the two of you. Without all those functioning correctly a relationship will never be healthy."

What a good quote!
 
I have similar issues, been a long long long time since I have been in a relationship. I am not focusing on it now because my recovery is my primary focus (and must be). I just figure that with time I will meet the right person. If not, I can still be happy. I know for a fact that the using me was not ready for a relationship, my love was using. Even when it turned on me I still tried to make it work.

The unworthiness, unattractiveness stuff I get all the time. However, I am starting to develop trust in other people and my personal Higher Power. I don't really know how to trust anyone, including myself. Its a daily thing I have to work on. Its getting easier though. I was very close to my sisters and have lots of female friends. I tend to get along with women very well in friendships. I have to say when I am not using (and actually even when I am) I am pretty easy to get along with and really empathic. However, this doesn't mean I am ready for a relationship. But yeah, I freindzone all the time and that is likely because I feel low self esteem when it comes to relationships and sometimes feel that I am unworthy (just me). Basically, I think I put these vibes out. I feel like my confidence will improve the longer I remain clean because it seems to do so every day now.

Keep in mind that using tends to emotionally stunt us. In some ways I am very much the 13-14 year old boy that I was when I started using.

NA and AA don't officially suggest any time period, but you will here people say stay out of relationships. In NA this is often followed by the acknowledgement that this hardily ever happens "Nobody knows if the 1 year thing works because nobodies fucking tried it" or something like that LOL. To be clear, I am not trying to push NA on you or anything like that. What works for me, might not work for others.

The suggestion is made because of the belief that addicts try to fill the "void" left by lack of using with other things. Gambling, relationships, sex, food ... etc etc. My big ones right now are candy and sweets and I sometimes will spend all fucking day playing video games. I am working a lot and going to meetings daily though so I don't have a ton of free time.

How do you plan on meeting women by the way, what type of places and where at? I know for a fact I cannot go out to the bars and meet girls because I am an addict. That is just me though.
 
Last edited:
GenericName12 said:
"Three relationships in every parnership between two humans. Your relationship with yourself, your partner's relationship with themselves, and the relationship between the two of you. Without all those functioning correctly a relationship will never be healthy."

What a good quote!
Click to expand...

We did a few sessions on relationships after/in addiction when I was in treatment. That was one quote that really stuck with me!
 
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