Can I survive in society, as an addict

[jesse1988]

The reason I start this thread is that I need some advise / opinion.

Here is some detail

I am 28 years old, been using oxy and dhc for 8 years now, in the pass 2 years I realize I am slipping further and further from society, where "normal person" live in. I using to be functional, when people ask about why I always seems so tired, so thin, so fucked up, I can always come up with something to convince people with some harmless lie.

In the pass 8 years, I never steal from anyone for my pills, maybe some lies but never steal, not for some noble reason, it is just if I get caught I can't use anymore. All these years, I pay my bills, I make my meals, I function.

My daily routine, I go to work, I back home nod out. That's it.
I am satisfy. Even I got no friend, no any kind of relationship,
When i got my pills, I am, satisfy.
And I am not the type that chasing high, I understand it is much better to save it for tomorrow than chasing high.

Ok , looks like I drift. So the thing is I live in some hellhole lifestyle since my girl left, I don't have any relationship, and I don't want any. I don't want to interact with people, I am not good for people, and this world is not good for me either.

But I do need a stable job to earn my pills, I was a welfare worker, I lost my license two years ago, I work for the government welfare department, and I got expose by the drug test, they didn't press charge but my name is in the system now, and my country is not kind with drug addicts. My career is over.

I am unemployed almost 5 months now, I almost max out all my credit card...I keep interview for all kind of job, but still. No one willing to hire someone looks like me.

I look in a mirror, I look at my own eyes, I look at my face, anyone have half a brain would know what is going on, I use to be able to act like normal person, maybe not so convincing, maybe always someone wonder, but no one can be sure. Until now.

I need some advise on this..
What story I should tell to makes people think I am just a normal person..because I looks like the text books rock bottom addicts now...
Or do anyone got experience on this...pls point a way

Jesse

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Jesse and welcome to BL

One of the main symptoms of addiction is social isolation. The portion of our brain that is responsible for addiction also controls many social aspects such as sexual attraction and social inclination and anxiety.

It seems to me that you are spiralling deeper into addiction.. is there a reason that you feal living unsocial lifestyle is something you want to do? If you want to continue to use then why not pursue and cultivate a social aspect as well?

 

[herbavore]

Can you get any kind of social services yourself? I am thinking of help for your addiction as well as perhaps job training. I don't know what country you are in or what services are like but often people don't reach out for help because they are worried about the stigma. In your case, you are already having to live with the stigma (and I am sorry for that).

 

[jesse1988]

Hey Jesse and welcome to BL

One of the main symptoms of addiction is social isolation. The portion of our brain that is responsible for addiction also controls many social aspects such as sexual attraction and social inclination and anxiety.

It seems to me that you are spiralling deeper into addiction.. is there a reason that you feal living unsocial lifestyle is something you want to do? If you want to continue to use then why not pursue and cultivate a social aspect as well?

thanks of input

In the first four years I never think about anything like "using forever", I knew I am going to stop one day, but something happened that year.

The fourth year is the time I accepted I am never going stop using, that year, my girl found out what I have been doing, she left. She said she can't bear the idea of I could drop dead any minute, so afraid one day she wake up beside me and I am not breathing. She said I had to make a choice between opiates and her. I made the most stupid choice in my life, then she left. I don't blame her, not at all, I remember the last few weeks with her, she stay awake all night, counting my breath rate...this girl, she did everything for me, she was willing to do anything for me..she said if I decide to get clean, she would quit her job immediately and stay with me 24/7.


The solution of my life was in front of me, and I chose to ignore.

I want a unsocial lifestyle because everyone came close to me, they get hurt, I wear them down, they get unhappy. Then they left.

I hurt everyone try to get close to me, and I drove away those loved me. I am very hard to live with, I don't mean to hurt them, but hurt them is what I did.

So I stay alone, isolated. I got nothing to worry about, I got nothing to lose, no one will even notice if I die from od, my body will be found by the smell. This is for the best.

I know who I am. Sometimes I wonder is it addiction really my problem, or I am the problem itself. if I blame the addiction for what is happening to me, maybe the next thing I blame would be the germ that spread into two.

 

[jesse1988]

Can you get any kind of social services yourself? I am thinking of help for your addiction as well as perhaps job training. I don't know what country you are in or what services are like but often people don't reach out for help because they are worried about the stigma. In your case, you are already having to live with the stigma (and I am sorry for that).

I tried, but help just doesn't help. I join a NA meeting once, I just don't see how it helps by sitting with addicts and listen them share the exp about how they steal and score...I never did anything like what they share, I earn everything legally, the different of me and "normal people" is just they use their paycheck for iPad air, I use mine for oxy.

I never hurt anyone physically, and I never break any law, but I got punish like I did something unforgivable.

 

[neversickanymore]

I hurt everyone try to get close to me, and I drove away those loved me. I am very hard to live with, I don't mean to hurt them, but hurt them is what I did.

If you want we could explore this.. if this is something you want to do maybe share what went down.. if not thats all good as well.

 

[dilated_pupils]

You sound a lot like me in many ways. The first thing is you are more presentable when you realize you control how people view you to a larger extent than you may know. Not just by how you dress or if your beards trimmed, I mean the composure you present yourself with and the actions that follow a job interview. You need to incorporate something different in your life like eating properly. You say that you always get your meals but do you A) eat enough B) eat balanced and C) exercise ?

Eating 3 meals a day and adding some calisthenics into your lifestyle would greatly show self respect and appreciation for what you are gaining in life. Your confidence would be built up higher and those times of nodding out 24/7 or close to it would have to be rearranged to fit a new schedule. Even getting up an hour early to work out would be a great help. You would develop muscles that would cloud the drug use and always provide you with the claim that you're much healthier than it appears (so this wont cure the drug use obviously).

I would start with what I wrote above in all seriousness. I hope you can take my advice and run with it. Make sure to stay well groomed. Take care of those things that will keep you from looking like a junky. The worst kind of addict is a junky who allows them self to deteriorate. I hope this has helped because it is possible to be accepted when you're a user/addict in society. No one has to know everything you do, just make sure you put on a good composure for the world and nothing will stop you from being successful.

-dp

 

[weekend addiction]

^Yep. Drink a protein shake and go for a run don't just nod out all day our you'll look like shit.

 

[jesse1988]

You sound a lot like me in many ways. The first thing is you are more presentable when you realize you control how people view you to a larger extent than you may know. Not just by how you dress or if your beards trimmed, I mean the composure you present yourself with and the actions that follow a job interview. You need to incorporate something different in your life like eating properly. You say that you always get your meals but do you A) eat enough B) eat balanced and C) exercise ?

Eating 3 meals a day and adding some calisthenics into your lifestyle would greatly show self respect and appreciation for what you are gaining in life. Your confidence would be built up higher and those times of nodding out 24/7 or close to it would have to be rearranged to fit a new schedule. Even getting up an hour early to work out would be a great help. You would develop muscles that would cloud the drug use and always provide you with the claim that you're much healthier than it appears (so this wont cure the drug use obviously).

I would start with what I wrote above in all seriousness. I hope you can take my advice and run with it. Make sure to stay well groomed. Take care of those things that will keep you from looking like a junky. The worst kind of addict is a junky who allows them self to deteriorate. I hope this has helped because it is possible to be accepted when you're a user/addict in society. No one has to know everything you do, just make sure you put on a good composure for the world and nothing will stop you from being successful.

-dp

Thankyou very much..this is a very good advise, thank you so much for point such a direction for a complete stranger.
I am going to run with it.


and thanks everyone too, so much kind hearted & brilliant people here.

 

[herbavore]

I know who I am. Sometimes I wonder is it addiction really my problem, or I am the problem itself. if I blame the addiction for what is happening to me, maybe the next thing I blame would be the germ that spread into two.

I think this is a very important place to explore. I don't believe addiction is ever the real problem, though it creates and compounds many. I feel that addiction is a symptom of not accepting or having true compassion for oneself. When that is missing human existence is practically unbearable.

 

[jesse1988]

I think this is a very important place to explore. I don't believe addiction is ever the real problem, though it creates and compounds many. I feel that addiction is a symptom of not accepting or having true compassion for oneself. When that is missing human existence is practically unbearable.

You are right.
When someone having trouble with self accept, it always come to this. Eventually.




It makes the unbearable become acceptable.
This is where I decide I am never going to stop using.

 

[GettingClean]

I think you're looking at this all wrong....opiates trick you into thinking you don't need to hold on so tight. And then you slowly let everything you've ever cared about slip away. They trick you into thinking you need them then, and you've given up too much of yourself to turn back. What you need to try to remember is it's all a lie....good luck my friend