Hi.
Wow, it has been a long time since I've written anything about myself. It's going to be hard but writing is therapeutic in itself.
So:
Approximately 3 1/2 years ago I ran was working and ran into the most interesting woman I've seen in a while. We work together, and sooner or later we get involved in a relationship.
I'd like to also point out that she is the first person I was actually in a romantic relationship with.
And the first two years were some of the best years of my life. One Christmas our family went away together, her included, just to give an idea of how involved in my life she was. During that trip we bonded in a way that I think only couples who are comfortable with each other can gain from just being there and surrounded by family.
I wouldn't care about having to get up at 5 a.m. to drive my woman to her work after a sleepover. Anything that she needed, I felt like I would always love her so much that I could help her through anything. We had the perfect dynamic for a relationship, and I honestly could not get enough of that girl.
I would put her picture up on my college cubicle to remind me of her. I seriously considered her one of those "soul mates", and I still kind of do.
But this is where it gets a little nasty.
Having such a rough life of her own since teenage years (living on her own since 16), this wonderful woman is not what you would consider "completely matured" in a sense that because of her rough upbringing, she handles some situations differently than most would.
So when she disappeared (completely) for about a month and a half, with no reason, leaving me to myself during many, MANY important events:
1. I was not allowed to go to my girlfriends Christmas. After 2 years of going before I still have no explanation
2. I bought presents for my girlfriend and we were going to assure there was a get together to exchange. No such thing happened.
3. Christmas passes by, and her birthday comes up... she's been hiding on and off repeatedly. Our family prepares a dinner she says she's coming to...... no show.
4. I don't see my girl on her birthday, NEW YEARS (went somewhere with her sister with tickets to a hotel that were bought for us!)....
And then the worst of it all happened. THe reason finally came out (or what I thought was the reason):
"I got an abortion."
I asked why she didn't tell me, and if this is what has been going on (after finally being able to talk to her in person). The reason was because she knew I didn't want kids yet and I wanted to experience more in life, she got the abortion.
THIS. KILLED. ME. We had an argument on it approximately a year or two ago. And it was never since brought up again! Time changes things! Why wouldn't she ask again?
She then never texted me or responded to anything I was saying some point after that.
At this point I was so depressed I couldn't handle myself. I had already been working around my own schedule to try and find this so called girl of mine that doesn't answer me. I even climbed her building once to knock on her window but she wasn't home. I was trying, oh was I trying. But she wasn't.
So I wrote a letter, after weeks and months of crying and mourning over my pain of losing a loved one and not knowing why she would dissapear for months and not tell ME, HER LOVE, what was going on. Inside it said I deserve so much better, and I listed some things and problems that I wasn't happy with. Since she never would answer to me, I left it in her mailbox.
This was in February. I had to constantly be with my friends, or I would have kept feeling worse than I was. For weeks I would go straight to my friends house just to try and get it all to be manageable.
------------------------------
Fast forward to a few months ago. I receive a random text from a girl sending "selfies" of her and a friend together. After about 5 of them I started texting her, finding out which one she was... next thing you know I'm going over to her house to smoke and just hang out.
Now This girl is the real deal. She's beautiful, engaging, confident, and she's "balanced," which to me means "she's got her shit together." Conversations with her were always intellectual but nonthreatening. I felt a surge of something with this new woman but I didn't know what.
The more we talk the more we realize how much we have in common, including our values. SHe hates dishonesty in any shape or form, and it is the main reason she left her boyfriend years ago and hasn't had one since.
Eventually I asked her to become my girlfriend, and we have been dating ever since. I've been so happy, but I've also been holding back quite a lot in certain aspects... like:
Going over to see her parents
Hanging out with her every day
This new girlfriend has qualities within her that guarantee her success in life. On top of that, she's completely loyal and has given me so much help over all of this. I would honestly think she is the HEALTHIER girlfriend for me. Almost without a doubt.
But like doesn't work like that, I can't just choose, can I?
For the past 4 months I have been dating this new girl. I have had so much fun, but have also went behind her back and was taking morphine pills (like every day after graduation). Here's the catch: It's the ex girlfriend selling them to me/getting them for me.
At that point for me I would just pick her up, get the pills, and drive her home. Then I could get high for a week or so and then worst comes to worst I had to go say hi and face the girl who broke my heart. I always loved talking to her though.
But talking to her made things confusing for who I was dating now. So I Stopped communicating for a while, and just bought a whole lot of pills.
Upon one of my depression manic stages I messaged my ex's sister, whom informed me on something that changed THIS ENTIRE STORY:
She had a miscarriage.
And she didn't tell me after months of this all exploding up.
So I confronted her at one point and she said she lied to me because she felt like she was holding me back in life, and that she was too old for me (she's six years older than me). Basically she wants to settle down and get a family started but I was still in college at the time just finishing up my schooling. I told her to wait and we would work it out together. I don;t know why she would do all this. She claims she felt old and useless and just "not good enough for me" so she was apparently borderline-suicidal for those empty months and debating whether or not to let me go.
In the end (well, after Christmas, New Years, her bday, my bday and Valentines of no shows), I ended it because she wouldn';t even acknowledge that I was texting her. And one time I did try texting her angrily she just responded "please stop texting me" and that's it.
Anyways,
I have finished my pills and have been going through opiate withdrawal for 5 days now. I could easily stop the w/d with more pills from the pharmacy with a little extract but I feel it's NO LONGER WORTH IT. I need to get back to the work environment. I had my vacation.
Now since stopping I am feeling high anxiety and stress, depression, craps, etc. but I keep getting this overwhelming blanket of sadness whenever I think about my ex-girlfriend. Or Just start breaking down and crying when thinking about her. She hurt me so much, how could she do that to me? I want her so bad, just to hold her...but then my brain thinks, "you have a girlfriend who would never hurt you, and she has so many amazing qualities. Don't you just want to hold her?"
"How do you know she won't do that again?
My ex's life was horrible. She's lived in rough places and has always been around threats and things of that nature. WHen she ran into me it was a whole different change for her, obviously, but I quickly realized her entire family is very chaotic. And she will always put her family first before me. Especially her twin sister. And she does not have any real consistent employment, and hasn't for a couple years now.
And then there's my head going "I don't care about any of that, I just want her. Take her back she wants you. Start a family with her, you want to."
And then my head's going "You idiot! She just left you on the curb for months after 3 years of growing together? She'll always put her family first before you. She'll probably always be that "yes" woman that just says it to get people off their back."
And the biggest question... "Will this heart-wrenching pain and suffering I'm going through end without me going back to my ex? I stopped doing the drugs and then WHAM... I start crying about her all over again.
I've talked to someone about it and they say that I was probably hiding my "broken heart" and holding the suffering in. Especially when my new girlfriend popped into the picture. But she really did/is helping, I mean I don't think I can deny that.
Am I allowed to be confused? Obviously... but guys, this was really just a blurt concerning months of hiding my feelings.
Obviously I am not going to feel the same amount of connection with my new girlfriend as I did with my ex of 3 years, but... will that change?
Thanks for reading and comment to anything if you can. Just writing this helped me.
Wow, it has been a long time since I've written anything about myself. It's going to be hard but writing is therapeutic in itself.
So:
Approximately 3 1/2 years ago I ran was working and ran into the most interesting woman I've seen in a while. We work together, and sooner or later we get involved in a relationship.
I'd like to also point out that she is the first person I was actually in a romantic relationship with.
And the first two years were some of the best years of my life. One Christmas our family went away together, her included, just to give an idea of how involved in my life she was. During that trip we bonded in a way that I think only couples who are comfortable with each other can gain from just being there and surrounded by family.
I wouldn't care about having to get up at 5 a.m. to drive my woman to her work after a sleepover. Anything that she needed, I felt like I would always love her so much that I could help her through anything. We had the perfect dynamic for a relationship, and I honestly could not get enough of that girl.
I would put her picture up on my college cubicle to remind me of her. I seriously considered her one of those "soul mates", and I still kind of do.
But this is where it gets a little nasty.
Having such a rough life of her own since teenage years (living on her own since 16), this wonderful woman is not what you would consider "completely matured" in a sense that because of her rough upbringing, she handles some situations differently than most would.
So when she disappeared (completely) for about a month and a half, with no reason, leaving me to myself during many, MANY important events:
1. I was not allowed to go to my girlfriends Christmas. After 2 years of going before I still have no explanation
2. I bought presents for my girlfriend and we were going to assure there was a get together to exchange. No such thing happened.
3. Christmas passes by, and her birthday comes up... she's been hiding on and off repeatedly. Our family prepares a dinner she says she's coming to...... no show.
4. I don't see my girl on her birthday, NEW YEARS (went somewhere with her sister with tickets to a hotel that were bought for us!)....
And then the worst of it all happened. THe reason finally came out (or what I thought was the reason):
"I got an abortion."
I asked why she didn't tell me, and if this is what has been going on (after finally being able to talk to her in person). The reason was because she knew I didn't want kids yet and I wanted to experience more in life, she got the abortion.
THIS. KILLED. ME. We had an argument on it approximately a year or two ago. And it was never since brought up again! Time changes things! Why wouldn't she ask again?
She then never texted me or responded to anything I was saying some point after that.
At this point I was so depressed I couldn't handle myself. I had already been working around my own schedule to try and find this so called girl of mine that doesn't answer me. I even climbed her building once to knock on her window but she wasn't home. I was trying, oh was I trying. But she wasn't.
So I wrote a letter, after weeks and months of crying and mourning over my pain of losing a loved one and not knowing why she would dissapear for months and not tell ME, HER LOVE, what was going on. Inside it said I deserve so much better, and I listed some things and problems that I wasn't happy with. Since she never would answer to me, I left it in her mailbox.
This was in February. I had to constantly be with my friends, or I would have kept feeling worse than I was. For weeks I would go straight to my friends house just to try and get it all to be manageable.
------------------------------
Fast forward to a few months ago. I receive a random text from a girl sending "selfies" of her and a friend together. After about 5 of them I started texting her, finding out which one she was... next thing you know I'm going over to her house to smoke and just hang out.
Now This girl is the real deal. She's beautiful, engaging, confident, and she's "balanced," which to me means "she's got her shit together." Conversations with her were always intellectual but nonthreatening. I felt a surge of something with this new woman but I didn't know what.
The more we talk the more we realize how much we have in common, including our values. SHe hates dishonesty in any shape or form, and it is the main reason she left her boyfriend years ago and hasn't had one since.
Eventually I asked her to become my girlfriend, and we have been dating ever since. I've been so happy, but I've also been holding back quite a lot in certain aspects... like:
Going over to see her parents
Hanging out with her every day
This new girlfriend has qualities within her that guarantee her success in life. On top of that, she's completely loyal and has given me so much help over all of this. I would honestly think she is the HEALTHIER girlfriend for me. Almost without a doubt.
But like doesn't work like that, I can't just choose, can I?
For the past 4 months I have been dating this new girl. I have had so much fun, but have also went behind her back and was taking morphine pills (like every day after graduation). Here's the catch: It's the ex girlfriend selling them to me/getting them for me.
At that point for me I would just pick her up, get the pills, and drive her home. Then I could get high for a week or so and then worst comes to worst I had to go say hi and face the girl who broke my heart. I always loved talking to her though.
But talking to her made things confusing for who I was dating now. So I Stopped communicating for a while, and just bought a whole lot of pills.
Upon one of my depression manic stages I messaged my ex's sister, whom informed me on something that changed THIS ENTIRE STORY:
She had a miscarriage.
And she didn't tell me after months of this all exploding up.
So I confronted her at one point and she said she lied to me because she felt like she was holding me back in life, and that she was too old for me (she's six years older than me). Basically she wants to settle down and get a family started but I was still in college at the time just finishing up my schooling. I told her to wait and we would work it out together. I don;t know why she would do all this. She claims she felt old and useless and just "not good enough for me" so she was apparently borderline-suicidal for those empty months and debating whether or not to let me go.
In the end (well, after Christmas, New Years, her bday, my bday and Valentines of no shows), I ended it because she wouldn';t even acknowledge that I was texting her. And one time I did try texting her angrily she just responded "please stop texting me" and that's it.
Anyways,
I have finished my pills and have been going through opiate withdrawal for 5 days now. I could easily stop the w/d with more pills from the pharmacy with a little extract but I feel it's NO LONGER WORTH IT. I need to get back to the work environment. I had my vacation.
Now since stopping I am feeling high anxiety and stress, depression, craps, etc. but I keep getting this overwhelming blanket of sadness whenever I think about my ex-girlfriend. Or Just start breaking down and crying when thinking about her. She hurt me so much, how could she do that to me? I want her so bad, just to hold her...but then my brain thinks, "you have a girlfriend who would never hurt you, and she has so many amazing qualities. Don't you just want to hold her?"
"How do you know she won't do that again?
My ex's life was horrible. She's lived in rough places and has always been around threats and things of that nature. WHen she ran into me it was a whole different change for her, obviously, but I quickly realized her entire family is very chaotic. And she will always put her family first before me. Especially her twin sister. And she does not have any real consistent employment, and hasn't for a couple years now.
And then there's my head going "I don't care about any of that, I just want her. Take her back she wants you. Start a family with her, you want to."
And then my head's going "You idiot! She just left you on the curb for months after 3 years of growing together? She'll always put her family first before you. She'll probably always be that "yes" woman that just says it to get people off their back."
And the biggest question... "Will this heart-wrenching pain and suffering I'm going through end without me going back to my ex? I stopped doing the drugs and then WHAM... I start crying about her all over again.
I've talked to someone about it and they say that I was probably hiding my "broken heart" and holding the suffering in. Especially when my new girlfriend popped into the picture. But she really did/is helping, I mean I don't think I can deny that.
Am I allowed to be confused? Obviously... but guys, this was really just a blurt concerning months of hiding my feelings.
Obviously I am not going to feel the same amount of connection with my new girlfriend as I did with my ex of 3 years, but... will that change?
Thanks for reading and comment to anything if you can. Just writing this helped me.
