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Do I have a problem with substances? What do you all think?

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schwelly

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2014
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67
Hello, I have long crept on this site for information, and recently joined to start interacting with the community. I find this sight a plethora of knowledge and am very grateful for it. The reason for this post is I have some concerns about my substance use. I will give a quick run down of it, please tell me what you think, and if you think I have addiction.

I started using when I was 12- smoked pot regularly and took vicoden occasionally until I was 16. Went to rehab to avoid failing a UA (got arrested for possession of marijuana) Stayed clean until 18- because I was convinced I was an alcoholic and addict, even though I didn't feel I showed symptoms(12 step meetings help convince me) I started using again at 18. From 18-19 I used a lot of E, quite a bit of Xanax and some methamphetamines. As a result my family kicked me out, and I was on my own. Was young and stupid- didn't get a job, and basically was irresponsible and stole to get my drugs. As a result I was sleeping from couch to couch, and was estranged from my family. I don't attribute this ALL to substances- most of it I attribute to being young and irresponsible- and down right dumb. Went to rehab again- Texas sent me for a 20 sack of pot. This time I stayed sober for 5 years- I thought "If I am using meth- I HAVE TO BE AN ADDICT. Also- in the time from 18-19 as soon as I woke up- I would find a way to get loaded. From the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep I was fixated on getting high. After 5 years off everything- I decided Im 24 now, I feel like I can be responsible, I will start drinking again. At this point in my life I was responsible- I had a job, I was in school, supporting myself, and was in excellent shape. Now I am 26. There are some major differences this time around.
1. I don't get intoxicated until the end of the day (after all my homework is done, and im off work)
2. I don't steal to get my drugs- I work for my money- pay my bills make sure everything is taken care of before I get my drugs (for the most part- there have been a couple times I have been irresponsible)
3. I am able to control my drinking/using- meaning once I start drinking, or whatever, I am able to turn it off. (With the exception of opiates- these I tend to have a problem with)

So basically I am asking what you all think? I can control my alcohol consumption, I smoke pot only at night to go to sleep, and I use opiates probable once to twice a week. However, my main concern is my wife hates it when I use anything other than alcohol or pot. I tell her I will stop- but I do it behind her back- which I know is a sign of a problem(at least I think it is). But I can't subscribe to the idea that I am an alcoholic/addict when I am able to control my use for the most part. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I am irresponsible with my money, or my using but 90% of the time I do it responsibly.

I thought I would get yalls feedback- and I am open to anything- please tell me what you all think.


Drug history- Pot, E, Mushrooms, LSD, Meth, Heroin, Alcohol, Xanax
 
You went from being a user of drugs because you were young & I'm assuming getting kicked out of your house made you depressed? I know I would have been depressed had I been kicked out at such a young age.

You went from that to a functioning drug user who basically can control everything to the most part & yes, opiates can & will sneak up on you & could become a huge obstacle in your life & marriage.

Your wife cares about you, hence the reason she gets on your case. Should you be honest & come clean to her about your use of opiates, etc....? Really can't say because I don't know the relationship you have with your wife.

IMO, as long as the bills are paid, food is on the table & you're not stealing, everything seems okay........that's what I call a functioning drug user.

I for one take pain meds for my back pain but sometimes I take a bit more or mix it with something else so I can feel good/get high......hey, like who doesn't?

If you are happy in your life, isn't that what matters?
 
Take some time to think about your use of drugs, and how that part of your life is impacting the whole of your life - is it making it better, is it making it worse, is it not seeming to have either effect, really? To all three of those questions which you might ask yourself, the answer might, quite possibly, be yes to all three, because what you are asking is not so cut and dry. And, you have to take what you see as a having a problem into account, because it is your life, and what I might see as having a problem someone else might not, or vice-versa. What do you define as a problem? But, still it is not cut and dry, not black and white, not yes or no, for there are so many dimensions to one's personal drug use, and so many dimensions to one's life. Although I might, based on your post, lean toward that you are in trouble or lean toward that you are pretty okay, that doesn't much matter when a question like this comes up. Take me, for example. I have basically come to terms, and at a fairly young age, that I am an addict, and that my addictions will become greater and more encompassing, but, to be quite honest, that is okay for me - that is not something that needs to be remedied for me. That may sound odd, and maybe it is, but the point is that one's life can only be truly known by one's own self, and in all aspects. What you might think and feel is very wrong for you, I might think and feel the same is very right for me, and the other way around.

You will find, in books on psychology and psychiatric medicine, definitions of addiction; and, sometimes they make a great deal of sense to me - they strike me as fairly reasonable and sound definitions. But, at the same time, even being fully aware that I fit the criteria for addiction, I, personally, have few qualms about how that effects me on a personal level with respect to my life, as it is and as I wish it to be. That is just me, and I am fairly confident in that because I have not been afraid to consider others' definitions and opinions and theories and so on and so forth about the subject, and I have not been afraid to get to know myself better - get to know how my mind works, how my body works, how my spirit or soul works, and how they all work together. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is you who must answer the question you put forth, but that can be very hard if you don't know where to start. I would suggest, to answer it for yourself, question everything and at the same time take everything into consideration, learn more about what you truly value, where you are and where you would like to be in life, be open-minded in this regard, don't be afraid to look deeper into yourself, don't fear the truth. Those are just some things, but I will tell you something else which everyone ought to do in just about everything, which was told to me by a very wise family member when I was a young child; listen to your heart and your mind in making a decision, and when your heart (the feelings, the sentiment, the morals, the values, the gut instinct, etc.) and your mind (the logic of a situation, the facts, the reasoning, the thinking, the rationale, etc.) are on the same page and both agree and both come together, then a decision can be properly made. If the heart conflicts with the mind, there is an issue. If the mind conflicts with the heart, there is an issue, But, only when both are in agreement, should a decision be made.

I am not you - I do not know how much I vary from person A to person B to person C, and how our subjective realities differ, but there is so much to a person which defines him or her, which deviates from another's being, that you must answer this question. It is a question of potential gravity, in my opinion, so that is why I hope I have given you some advice on how to get to not 'the truth', but rather 'your truth', which is the only real truth. I know this may seem a bit philosophical and sappy, but I think and feel it is pretty good advice. Remember, the heart and mind ought to be in agreement for a good decision to be made, whatever the decision is, big or small.

I will tell you what I see in your post, because feedback can be helpful - it just ultimately is always up to you to go whichever way you choose. But that aside, it does seem that you are fairly functional, by the accepted and standard definitions of what functional means, based on what you wrote in your post. No doubt, one does become wiser with age, though one is never free of making mistakes, however wise. It does seem you are wiser than you were, but I am not sure of that; it just seems that way. It seems you are asking this question because you honestly want an answer, and you, quite likely and naturally, want that answer to be that you do not have a problem - I am not saying you do; I am not saying you don't, for again it is so personal. Or, maybe, you want the answer to be that you do have a problem, so you might have what you think is a more informed external opinion on the matter, and on account of that maybe you wish to be more motivated to stop. I don't know, but this type of response is the best kind, for it is challenging yourself to answer your own question. You seem to indicate that you, as of now, have little issue with your use of alcohol or cannabis, but the only other drugs you mention to be currently in the picture are opiates. With opiates, your use is hidden or in secret, because your wife has an issue with your use of opiates. You seem to indicate, yourself, that you have a problem with self-control when it comes to opiates, but on the whole not with alcohol or cannabis. You use opiates once or twice weekly, on average. I will tell you that opiates can be insidiously addictive, meaning one can slip into opiate addiction, which is an addiction I believe to be a bit different than the other possible addictions to other substances - the allure of the opiate can be enormous, the euphoria and subjective effects wonderfully rewarding, often with little side-effects for some people compared to say alcohol, for example, which is particularly harsh on the body, or even amphetamine, which also renders relatively harsh effects. Opiates really should be regarded with extreme respect and used sparingly and cautiously (esp. with respect to frequency of use), if one wishes to use them while trying to avoid addiction. Any drug user should be knowledgeable, to the greatest possible degree, about the drug he or she is using, and that goes for all drugs, but I would say especially with opiates. The opiate user, of course should know what doses are safe, the potential interactions with other drugs, the whole range of potential effects, but the opiate user should really be aware of the nature of opiate addiction. Personally, there was a never a drug so wondrous I've taken than an opiate. That is how I feel about them, though some do not go completely crazy over them while still enjoying them, some do not really enjoy them or understand the appeal, and some quite dislike the general opiate experience. But, for those who do like opiates, or even for those who don't in the beginning of their use (basically, everyone), the 'addictive pull' they exercise is immense. Well, I hope all of this helps, at least if for a little.
 
Alex000 said:
Take some time to think about your use of drugs, and how that part of your life is impacting the whole of your life - is it making it better, is it making it worse, is it not seeming to have either effect, really? To all three of those questions which you might ask yourself, the answer might, quite possibly, be yes to all three, because what you are asking is not so cut and dry. And, you have to take what you see as a having a problem into account, because it is your life, and what I might see as having a problem someone else might not, or vice-versa. What do you define as a problem? But, still it is not cut and dry, not black and white, not yes or no, for there are so many dimensions to one's personal drug use, and so many dimensions to one's life. Although I might, based on your post, lean toward that you are in trouble or lean toward that you are pretty okay, that doesn't much matter when a question like this comes up. Take me, for example. I have basically come to terms, and at a fairly young age, that I am an addict, and that my addictions will become greater and more encompassing, but, to be quite honest, that is okay for me - that is not something that needs to be remedied for me. That may sound odd, and maybe it is, but the point is that one's life can only be truly known by one's own self, and in all aspects. What you might think and feel is very wrong for you, I might think and feel the same is very right for me, and the other way around........................."


Thank you for your response. I found it helped quite a bit. Yes I am seeking "my truth". No, I am not certain I am of the hopeless variety it speaks of in AA. Those who cannot ever drink(or use) in moderation. Yes, I do hope I do not fall into that category. However, what I want more than anything- is to simply be content in life- not happy-----but content, those are two different things. (Of course happiness is always welcomed!). To achieve this- I know I MUST be honest with myself, even if I do not like what I see. I am not closed off to the idea that I may indeed be an alcoholic/addict. But I can't quite subscribe to it- yet. Because yes, I do moderate my alcohol/marijuana consumption(I do it legally- I have kmy medical card- not that it matters if it is legal or not in this context lol), so if I can moderate those substances- I would not fall into the category of "alcoholic/addict".


On the subject of opiates- I know I cannot control them. I didn't discover them until about 7 months ago. I mean sure I had used vicoden here and there, but never codeine cough syrup, never Roxicodone(pure oxycodone- non time released, same opiod that is in Percocet) never heroin(I currently Smoke black tar heroin 1-3 times a week). And I know some people will say "YOU USE HEROIN!!! You are definitely and addict" But this is not the truth. It doesn't matter what kind of drugs a person uses- it matters how those drugs affect them, and their lives. It could be marijuana, or it could be heroin. POINT BEING- I am no longer going to do opiates. They are not safe for me, and they will tear my life apart- they are in the beginning stages of causing a shit storm in my life, but I know if I don't stop now- a full category 5 shit storm will hit my life.
Click to expand...
 
I am going to make a journal on my substance use- recoriding the data of my using for the net 90 days. I WILL POST IT ON BLUE LIGHT- WILL POST THE LINK TO THE THREAD TOMORROW NIGHT, OR THE NEXT MORNING. PLEASE COME GIVE ME INPUT AND SUPPORT. I could really use it, and I value input and feedback. Thanks folks
 
schwelly said:
...

1. I don't get intoxicated until the end of the day (after all my homework is done, and im off work)
2. I don't steal to get my drugs- I work for my money- pay my bills make sure everything is taken care of before I get my drugs (for the most part- there have been a couple times I have been irresponsible)
3. I am able to control my drinking/using- meaning once I start drinking, or whatever, I am able to turn it off. (With the exception of opiates- these I tend to have a problem with)

So basically I am asking what you all think? I can control my alcohol consumption, I smoke pot only at night to go to sleep, and I use opiates probable once to twice a week. However, my main concern is my wife hates it when I use anything other than alcohol or pot. I tell her I will stop- but I do it behind her back- which I know is a sign of a problem(at least I think it is). But I can't subscribe to the idea that I am an alcoholic/addict when I am able to control my use for the most part. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I am irresponsible with my money, or my using but 90% of the time I do it responsibly.

I thought I would get yalls feedback- and I am open to anything- please tell me what you all think. ...
Click to expand...

You sound like you are addicted at some level.

There isn't enough info for me to form an opinion about whether or not you have a "problem".

A lot depends on you work/hobbies/daily life etc... as well.
A ditch digger can drink every night and smoke pot and take oxycontin, and it would not affect his life negatively. A stock trader could cloud his ability to perform at a high level from that same substance intake.
 
Hello,

As an addict I would say that time makes the difference, when I was 24 I was using and was able to be socially productive, to have relationships... Afterwards things gradually changed, if you ask yourself the question it means that maybe you have doubts about the future. For my experience, the more time you use the more chances you have to be unable to control it. Unfortunatly I had to learn it afterwards.
 
I was told addiction is when you repeat an action despite the negative impact it is causing a person. So do you make decisions even though they are harmful or negative to you?
 
try to attend an aa/na meeting in your area, there are people there that you might get some insight from!
 
With opiates I do make decisions even though they are harmful to me such as- my wife hates it, yet I would continue to do it, and try to hide it from her(which never works) This leads me to the conclusion that I am in fact addicted to opiates- I lie about the use and try to hide it because I know it will upset my wife. If I wasn't addicted I would just quit them- but I haven't- However I have made a resolve not to do them anymore- I want a life where I am honest, giving, kind, considerate, attentive, nd responsible- which I seem to be able to have WITHOUT opiates.

I d understand you not having enough data but this simply sums it up. Alcohol and pot have not caused problems in my life. My use of those substances are moderate and they don't cause chaos in my life. Heroin does. So it MUST go- however, if smoking pot and drinking lead me back to opiates- then I suppose I should go back into AA- keep in mind I had 5 years clean and sober at one point- started drinking again- with NO problems until I started doing opiates- THAT is when shit went downhill. Basically what I have decided to do is take the principles of a 12 step program (honesty, perserverence, patience, love, selflessness etc) and start applying them in my life again. While I will still be consuming alcohol and marijuana- I think I will have much more happiness and peace within myself if I start living by those principles- and stay the hell away from opiates. I am going to record this journey for any who are interested and wish to follow along/offer support. Thank you all for your input Im quite lonely right now, and I find this site- and you all help aliviate that.
 
schwelly said:
However, what I want more than anything- is to simply be content in life- not happy-----but content, those are two different things. (Of course happiness is always welcomed!). To achieve this- I know I MUST be honest with myself, even if I do not like what I see.
Click to expand...

Finding contentment within yourself is the antidote to addiction. When we are in a constant state of blind and all-consuming need and are chasing a feeling that can never come from the act of chasing (no matter what we use--food, drugs, material goods, money, power) we truly become "hungry ghosts". But to be able to still the mind and simply let that contentment well up from within breaks the habitual cycle of always needing more.
 
Doesn't sound like it to me.

Generally though, if you are asking if you have a problem, then you do. Sounds like you've had some mad crazy reactions to fairly innoccuous usage though that are tainting that decision in your mind.

I don't beleive in the simple black and white concept of either you're an addict or you're not though (which is why I no longer attend NA), I think it's much more complex than that with shades of grey and that it's a spectrum and that one person's position on that spectrum isn't fixed for life. Some people can be crazy of the rails the second they touch a certain substance and fine with others too.
 
Nobody can answer this but yourself. Is your drug use impacting the quality of your life? Do you feel you could achieve more/be better off without them? How is the relationship with your family now.

I tried to manage my use for a long time, even convinced myself that I was very good at managing. That was a lie though.
 
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