Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

[xstayfadedx]

^ "wherever you go, there you are" .. never new what that meant when I first heard it on mad max from the pig eater. I now think that most of our big struggles are with ourselves.. which makes it bullshit that its so hard to outrun our self.

Yeah, I need to outrun myself fast and sometime soon.

Mom or Dad got insurance? You can go to a dr and get to rehab on your own.

I have insurance. Everything would be covered, but I have bills and rent to pay. I just can't quit my job and come out of rehab with nothing. I don't know that would freak me the fuck out. I feel like it would cause me to use even more if I ended up having nothing besides 30 days clean.

Fuck, I thought seeing my friend die… all that vomit spewed all over, the cpr, the ambulance, and all that shit would have been enough for me to quit. It was for like a month or so, but then I was back on the street again. I don't know what the fuck will be enough for me to get sober. I've been depressed/suicidal since ten. Medications don't work well… So quitting heroin seems pointless in my eyes at times because why not do it? I want to die anyways

My loved ones know too… but I stay here because of them. Mainly because of my sister because she said she would kill herself if I did. We are so close and I know she would if I did (she even attempted in the past). So I'm here tired and drained from life, but I choose to get up because I don't want to be selfish. I'm also just scared of what my sister would do. And I find it fucked up how that's the only reason I choose to wake up everyday. I wish I woke up because I wanted to… not because I had/have to.

I even ended up in the hospital in October because I almost did say fuck.it and that scares me. Its not even for attention. I truly do just want to say peace out, but again I care too much about my sister. So I need to quit heroin because I feel like it will happen eventually… something bad.

 

[Carl Landrover]

Mom or Dad got insurance? You can go to a dr and get to rehab on your own.

A lot of insurance doesn't cover much rehab unless your addiction is life threatening. Heroin/opioids don't count as life threatening

 

[xstayfadedx]

A lot of insurance doesn't cover much rehab unless your addiction is life threatening. Heroin/opioids don't count as life threatening

I have state because I'm still under 21 and don't have it like that. They will cover it.… 28 day programs at least.

 

[The Chemist]

Uuuggghh, met someone and went to their place only to have them suggest sexual favors for money.
Nope. I went back to my friends house.
I just need a place to stay for about 20 days, perhaps only until the month is up. That's enough time, which gives me enough money. I cant keep taking off work to find a living situation because the backlash is beginning to set in, im running out of food.
I just want to meet someone cool who needs a roomate. It's not a difficult thing.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Anyone else ever feel like happiness is something that happens to other people?

 

[Corazon]

Logically, I've come to terms with the fact that although my life is unacceptably bad, I am doing everything I can in a strategically wise long-term plan so that eventually (6 months?, year?), I will have a life that is more bearable. I understand that it will take maybe 180-360 days before my life gets noticeably better and that it does no good to be impatient and be in despair every day over my current life.

I also understand that although my health is uncertain, even in the short term, that there is nothing I can do should my health deteriorate, and it does no good to go into fight/flight mode worrying about it.

I also understand logically that although the people who run the disability and welfare related programs, as well as my doctors, are constantly making mistakes and presenting emergencies, that I have irrefutable medical records and simply need to be patient and persistent with each mistake until they are corrected, and not go into fight/flight mode.

Even though I am aware that these are logical and healthy outlooks, I still am struggling to let go of my frequent frustration/anger/rage/shame/fear/jealousy etc... and the frequent fight or flight reactions.

This logical outlook is relatively new (after a severe stress reaction to the latest mistake between my heart surgeon's 3rd party medical record's company, and the disability review board), and maybe it will just take a few days for my nerves to settle and for logic and common sense to rule out.

I have to find a way to lessen the mental anguish and have fun more often.

 

[Maya]

^That's what I am learning too my friend, I have some anger issues I have to deal with. I have noticed lately that my temper has not been good specially when working, I almost lashed out on two of my coworkers last week but I am just fed up with the constant disorganization of that company. I have to tell myself that it is not the end of the world and that I should be more patient, I should always think about my goal that if I am able to bear this year then I would be in a better position next year. It is hard to think positive but we should try not to let the anger and frustration cloud our judgements.

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

i've been tapering off of valium and in result i'm being reminded of the symptoms it suppresses. without benzos, i have no perspective on small errors and they stick around to drill holes in my brain.

 

[herbavore]

I've been depressed/suicidal since ten. Medications don't work well… So quitting heroin seems pointless in my eyes at times because why not do it? I want to die anyways

The fact that you have felt depressed and suicidal since you were a very young kid means that you have lots and lots of layers of pain to get through. It makes sense to see death as a resting place when life is so consistently shitty but life does not have to stay that way. You have used amazing strength to survive so I know you have it in you to live free and at peace with yourself. Does your sister use?

I'm sorry that your family is in denial. That doesn't help.

 

[The Chemist]

So, I found a place to stay until July 1st.
I also found another job that pays cash in the meantime so I can gather up some money for a bus ticket to a farm.
I have been in communication with Several farms and intentional communities, all of which have returned my emails and are in active, engaging communication with me.

 

[Carl Landrover]

It was easier to accept that no one likes me when I was using. Now that I'm not using I just feel lonely and full of self-pity. Feeling that way disgusts me and frankly I don't like myself either.

A little more than 2 years ago when I was just starting to get bad with heroin again I bought some bags that were way stronger than I had anticipated and I almost ODed. I passed out right after the shot and came to about 30 minutes later covered in sweat and gasping for air. I had a headache from lack of oxygen since I was barely breathing. So many times in the last 2 years I've wished that I just didn't wake up then. Everything would have been over then.

 

[herbavore]

Carl, it makes me so sad to hear that but I know you are speaking from your heart. When the human part of living/life gets too much for me I head for nature. You belong in your life, in this world. If people really don't like you then you are around some ridiculous people because from what I know of you on here you are intelligent, kind, thoughtful and frequently quite funny. When you are down on yourself, people can't take it but that does not mean they don't like you it means they are uncomfortable around the pain they perceive.

Nothing is static. Anything can change.

 

[abracadabra girl]

^Yeah, what she said. I think I'd like you a lot Carl, but you're on the wrong coast. But put yourself out there and meet people. I'm feeling much like you and trying to take my own advice.

 

[The Doc.]

No need to die Carl these problems will come and go think of it that way you can let it wash over you or let it consume you. You seem like a dam smart human being with the ability to make a difference in peoples lives if you only tried and learned to love yourself. But if course its easier said than done old habits are hard to break I know but fuck to hear a smart person like you contemplate not being alive and saying the world be a better place without you makes me sick to my stomach. Ive read your posts and call tell you are a smart person with lots if potential you just have to see it my friend

 

[xstayfadedx]

The fact that you have felt depressed and suicidal since you were a very young kid means that you have lots and lots of layers of pain to get through. It makes sense to see death as a resting place when life is so consistently shitty but life does not have to stay that way. You have used amazing strength to survive so I know you have it in you to live free and at peace with yourself. Does your sister use?

I'm sorry that your family is in denial. That doesn't help.

I am so exhausted I'm tired of being the "strong one". I always been known as the strong one. However, the strongest people breakdown too, but nobody really seems to understand that in my life. I just wish that they would or at least allow me a break, but people, life in general doesn't wait for anyone. I want to be able to take care of myself for once and even though I try to be selfish… I never can be. I'm always helping someone or taking care of someone. Hey, I basically even raised my sister. If anyone needs assistance… then here I am to the rescue!! It's expected of me.

And my sister doesn't use… she has dabbled in a few drugs, but thats about it. Drugs were my addiction/way out and self harm was hers (she has overcome it so far but still has some days). We've both been through a lot… horrible shit… and I just wish it would get easier for us. I don't understand what we did to deserve all this bullshit in our lives.

I'm tired of "my story" being a disturbing one that people cry over. I want to be known for something else.

 

[herbavore]

I'm tired of "my story" being a disturbing one that people cry over. I want to be known for something else.

You can write it. Everything can't change at once but if you start putting small changes in place, pretty soon they start compounding. Keep your focus on getting away from the drugs but don't forget to cultivate reasons to live that make you genuinely happy; because if you put all your effort into getting off drugs and then you finally have them behind you and you look around and see the same pain filled life staring you in the face it can be pretty discouraging. I'm pulling for you and you don't have to be anything for me--just know I'm here if you need an ear.

 

[xstayfadedx]

You can write it. Everything can't change at once but if you start putting small changes in place, pretty soon they start compounding. Keep your focus on getting away from the drugs but don't forget to cultivate reasons to live that make you genuinely happy; because if you put all your effort into getting off drugs and then you finally have them behind you and you look around and see the same pain filled life staring you in the face it can be pretty discouraging. I'm pulling for you and you don't have to be anything for me--just know I'm here if you need an ear.

I hope I can change things. I really do. I've been waiting for something, but I know I must take action as well. I really want to quit using, but as you said it's hard when everything around you is still shit when you do get sober. I need to make sure my effort is spreadout in other areas as well. Like I've said before, drugs aren't my main problem. They're a huge part of why things go wrong, but my mental health is still the leading cause of issues. It always has been the biggest problem of mine. I know that I can go to a paychologist/psychiatrist again, but I want to be able to try talk/behavioral therapy before having to always resort to medications. However, most places don't want to just do that, and that's why I never go back

Anyways thanks for lending an ear and I will keep it in mind that you're there

 

[Maya]

I am so exhausted I'm tired of being the "strong one". I always been known as the strong one. However, the strongest people breakdown too, but nobody really seems to understand that in my life. I just wish that they would or at least allow me a break, but people, life in general doesn't wait for anyone. I want to be able to take care of myself for once and even though I try to be selfish… I never can be. I'm always helping someone or taking care of someone. Hey, I basically even raised my sister. If anyone needs assistance… then here I am to the rescue!! It's expected of me.

And my sister doesn't use… she has dabbled in a few drugs, but thats about it. Drugs were my addiction/way out and self harm was hers (she has overcome it so far but still has some days). We've both been through a lot… horrible shit… and I just wish it would get easier for us. I don't understand what we did to deserve all this bullshit in our lives.

I'm tired of "my story" being a disturbing one that people cry over. I want to be known for something else.

I can definitely relate, I have been that strong wall for my friends and some of my relatives and it feels like sometimes you just need a break. Whenever I break down sometimes, it feels like people expect too much from me, like they don't even want to hear my complain etc and that I should keep up to my standards. It sucks I know because once in a while you get tired and that you just want someone to listen to you.

 

[gr33n3y3z]

I need drugs to deal with life today. I need to numb myself from any and every emotion humanly possible.

 

[herbavore]

^It feels like you need drugs but I bet what you really need is to be as sad as you need to be for as long as you need to feel it. I saw in the other thread that you are going to your Aunt's funeral. I just lost my favorite Aunt on my mother's side and it was devastating to all of us--she was a larger than life kind of person that made everyone laugh through the toughest of times. It is sad. It is horrible. It is an honor to your Aunt for you to feel the magnitude of the loss. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for gr33n3y3z.