Have you ever stepped back and looked at what you have done?

[ExInMil]

Have you ever stepped back and looked at what you have done?
I mean, look at what you have built for yourself....
The time you have spent getting high, look back at what you were before
your addiction, and then think what YOU could have done.


This is keeping me sober at the moment.

 

[neversickanymore]

Be careful Mil.. when we slip into the past there is a very fine line danced between keeping us sober and driving us to use. The past is done and I forgive myself and everyone else. Its pretty amazing how fast ones life can change so we still have amazing opportunities, but only if we stay off the drugs that wreck us.

I would try and focus your thoughts back into the moment the hear and now.. if we slip into the past it can hit us with guilt, resentment, shame, anger. etc.. if we slip into the future we can get hit with fear, anxiety, hopelessness, self doubt.. have to keep it simple and in the present.

Your doing great.. and you can still do anything you put your mind to, just nows not the right time to put your mind to it.. keep it real simple right now, learn how to live in and enjoy the moment. It all we ever have anyway. we as addicts and humans in general spend huge amounts of time obsessing over the past or worrying about the future.. makes us miserable.

Confine yourself to the present.
Marcus Aurelius

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.
Marcus Aurelius

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Buddha

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
Buddha

it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts possitive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share something POSITIVE from your day!
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 3: Earth, Wind and Fire!
Here is the mindfulness thread.

 

[ExInMil]

Well said,
I guess the feeling is.... well, shame.
You used the word obsessed. I dont think, personally anyway, that a thorough analysis of our past behavior is such a bad thing.
I could see it leading someone to use to escape the feelings that are associated with our past, but with this perspective in mind,
a cooler head can prevail. We must be real about the fact we are the ones responsible for our actions in the end. I look at myself
and I am a broke ass, recovering addict, with no real accomplishments since I started using.
With that in mind I want to work as hard as possible to change that.

 

[neversickanymore]

I did not mean anything from the use of this word other than we seem to worry so much about the future or dwell so much on the past that we miss the today. So I did not mean that its was an obsession in thats all we think about, rather we get so caught up in that we make ourselves miserable for no reason.

And I totally agree working through our pasts is very important for our lives and our recoveries.. just with the very high emotional response associated with early recovery this is best left alone for awhile and taken up later on down the road when we have healed a littel bit.

I am a broke ass, recovering addict, with no real accomplishments since I started using.

I am an amazing person who has had allot taken through addiction, but im still fighting.. I'm determined to address this (not now a little later ) and I still can do anything I set out to. I know that if I keep learning about and addressing my addiction, learn about and address and heal from my wounds, put my recovery first, listen to my heart and have the courage to follow it, I will end up in a place of peace doing exactly what makes life more than worth living, I know its rough now, but it will get better quick, so much better than it ever was

Fixed

See there are infinite ways of looking at everything.. we just need to learn how to look at things in different way.

I went through five years of the most insane struggle.. addiction was only a portion.. I plummeted down and lost everything I once thought was so important.. and some how kept evrything that was important.. At one point in my life I looked around misserable and hopeless becasue I had evrything they told me that would make me happy and successful, yet i was miserable. Then because of so many things I lost so much. funny thing is that after I lost so much I realized what was important and gave away the rest of that shit.

If you read stories about people who go through some of the worst struggles you can think of.. you will be surprised at how many of them say it was the nest thing that ever happened to them..

You have a chance at a whole new life.. a chance to find out who Mil is and where they need to be, and finally go there.

But for now, please just keep it simple.. your amazing.. addiction kicks the shit out of great people and there is no shame in it.. thing about clean addicts is we tend to do the most amazing things

 

[ExInMil]

neversick,
What can I say, I like your view of looking at it a lot more than mine.
Thanks, I needed that.

Thanks for the effort you put in. Its touching.

May I ask how old you are?

I have lost an identity thought the many chemical interpretations of who I am. So much of what I was, was centered around drug use, that when i shed those parts, whats left is almost an empty slate. All my opiate fueled excuses are gone too. Whats left is the stark reality of what is left. And that my friend is a view of life that at this point and time is a towering dichotomy of excitement and fear.

 

[Allein]

Im not convinced you can assess yourself objectively, it seems like a paradox to me...and a road to now where.

I can see the effect I have on others and talk to them about it but it doesn't stretch much further than that for me in genuinely real terms

 

[Jean-Paul]

no necessarily in terms of drugs i've taken, but in everything (which in encapsulates that), yes.

it hurts a lot. this year has been intense introspection and striving to move past the feelings that i want to give up and i am worthless because i failed so many times. there are still times i feel that way but it is slowly getting better.

 

[Allein]

The fact that you see yourself as worthless, says tome you arent seeing the true reality.

I'm not trying to be clever I suffer from self loathing but its a useless and negative point of view that leads no where.

I'm finding it better to put that to one side and start doing things that are positive, simple stuff that will be personal to you, walk the dog, clean the house and keep doing them, I found by building on these things I could see I was a valuable person who was / is struggling with some aspects of my life.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Fuck yes, yes, yes

I was top half a percentile student when I was 14 and I'm not much better than average now. I'm only 26 so I've got time to rebuild but I have a horrible feeling it's not out of me yet. I don't know what it is but for some reason I still feel the pull, I really hope this is the last opiate detox I do but I simply can't be sure. Luckily I've got myself loads of support in place and I have some real life goals I want to attain. As long as I smash my resit from when I was in full active addiction (I got a first on the coursework then failed the exam totally) I can go in to my second year of uni with a decent first year behind me and hopefully a clear head to attack my degree when it really matters.

I'll be either pushing 30 or 30 by the time I'm done with it and it's probably going to be a bitch getting a job (if I wasn't fighting drug addiction now I could be pushing for summer internships etc) but at leat if I come out with a first I can be happy at finally having achieved something (and hopefully it will be a ticket to a masters at a better uni, lots of work to be done until then though).

 

[ExInMil]

Fuck yes, yes, yes

I was top half a percentile student when I was 14 and I'm not much better than average now. I'm only 26 so I've got time to rebuild but I have a horrible feeling it's not out of me yet. I don't know what it is but for some reason I still feel the pull, I really hope this is the last opiate detox I do but I simply can't be sure. Luckily I've got myself loads of support in place and I have some real life goals I want to attain. As long as I smash my resit from when I was in full active addiction (I got a first on the coursework then failed the exam totally) I can go in to my second year of uni with a decent first year behind me and hopefully a clear head to attack my degree when it really matters.

I'll be either pushing 30 or 30 by the time I'm done with it and it's probably going to be a bitch getting a job (if I wasn't fighting drug addiction now I could be pushing for summer internships etc) but at leat if I come out with a first I can be happy at finally having achieved something (and hopefully it will be a ticket to a masters at a better uni, lots of work to be done until then though).

I could have wrote this about me. Same age, same details in general. Except I expect your not in the US?

 

[ExInMil]

its a useless and negative point of view that leads no where.

I believe it is not useless as long as it is just a reminder of what you no longer want to be.

Other than that, what you said about doing the simple things first and then building on that. I agree completely .

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

Yeah it's hard not to look back like that every once in a while, and it can be a good thing too, as long as you keep the right outlook about it and don't let it overwhelm you and bring you down. We've all done some terrible things, squandered a lot of opportunities, etc. But constantly looking back and living in the past, wondering what would have been different if you didn't do this or that, will just drive you nuts and has a good chance of eventually making you relapse too. You have to keep moving forward, and be a better person now, making the right choices now, to a make up for all that.

Reflect on it, accept it, and move on. You can't let what you did or didn't do in the past define you. You have no control over that. What defines you is what is still in your control, the things you can change and decisions you will make. Your present and future. Make that the best it can be, and you'll be all right. Always be aware of your past, but then put it do bed. Move forward.

 

[Maya]

I always do actually as my mind seems to be restless, I worry about every single damn thing every minute, self reflecting almost every night, thinking about how far I have come along, sometimes I would think about going back but I have more will power to fight. I think that we do think of this whenever we encounter a problem again that we just cannot deal with or sometimes choose not too.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I could have wrote this about me. Same age, same details in general. Except I expect your not in the US?

No I'm not. I've just finally got my ADHD diagnosed but an offshoot of the tests she did were that one section I did (visual coding)I scored in the bottomsingle percentile. These results are common with dispraxia and it was enough for her to diagnose me with it as a specific learning difficulty as well as the ADHD which was a surprise.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Have you ever stepped back and looked at what you have done?
I mean, look at what you have built for yourself....
The time you have spent getting high, look back at what you were before
your addiction, and then think what YOU could have done.

This is keeping me sober at the moment.

Goodness NO! No offense to you in any way, but thinking that way, would make me feel seriously depressed - and I've enough of that as it is. Nothing that has happened in the past can EVER be changed, it just can't. Only the PRESENT is something that we can have some control over - we can't even have control over the future, though many of us strive to and feel that we are able to, for instance saving money.

For example, you could look at your recovery and how you want to stay sober. Look at how you wish to keep doing that. Some people choose the "one day at a time," theory and that works for them - some people rely heavily on support, others on keeping busy, finding new activities, some do a number of all of those things.

What is the point in dwelling on the pass and "what could have been," "what you could have achieved, " "what you've lost" and so on... It's not going to change a damn thing but have you feel low over things that are no longer in your control or power.

Wishing you all the best,

Fuck yes, yes, yes

I was top half a percentile student when I was 14 and I'm not much better than average now. I'm only 26 so I've got time to rebuild but I have a horrible feeling it's not out of me yet. I don't know what it is but for some reason I still feel the pull, I really hope this is the last opiate detox I do but I simply can't be sure. Luckily I've got myself loads of support in place and I have some real life goals I want to attain. As long as I smash my resit from when I was in full active addiction (I got a first on the coursework then failed the exam totally) I can go in to my second year of uni with a decent first year behind me and hopefully a clear head to attack my degree when it really matters.

I'll be either pushing 30 or 30 by the time I'm done with it and it's probably going to be a bitch getting a job (if I wasn't fighting drug addiction now I could be pushing for summer internships etc) but at leat if I come out with a first I can be happy at finally having achieved something (and hopefully it will be a ticket to a masters at a better uni, lots of work to be done until then though).

You can have that all again if you really put your mind to it. It really can be the last detox. You need to believe in yourself, think about what went wrong the last times and try and change that this time. Where you around a lot of triggers? Were you depressed? Were you not yet ready? Did you have a good after-care / support system? You don't, of course, have to answer those questions to me - or anyone else but you. If you have goals you can achieve them.

I can certainly relate in that I had to drop out of my master due to the expense of my codeine addiction and suboxone frying my brain cells, basically. However, I have achieved a post graduate certificate in Weight Management which is more than I would have achieved if I had have not applied and participated in the course.

If worse comes to worse and you feel you are going to go back down that road then go back on maintenance for awhile. You won't have failed in any way - you would be fighting your illness the same way that someone with diabetes does. Hopefully you won't have to go down that road as it's obvious you want to be completely sober but if worse case scenario came along, you have that option available to you and thus would be able to continue with your studies / goals with all not being lost.

I think we all feel the pull, that's why I'm scared to come off maintenance myself, but we have to fight it and that's why support, empathy and understanding is important. And there's none better than any of that here at Bluelight.

Evey

PS. NSA can I take some of those links to give to the newbies in NMI if that's ok?

 

[Beachcat]

I don't do it either....it could not possibly be productive or helpful...the way I look at it, I cannot change what has happened in the past, but I CAN change what is happening now, so I concentrate on that.

I heard a saying once that I really liked....the past is in the tomb, the future is in the womb, so might as well concentrate on the present.

 

[herbavore]

I see a middle ground. I look at some of my past mistakes and try to become reconciled with them. If I didn't look at them and feel some amount of shame I would be haunted by their presence--they would grow in my mind. To be able to feel shame and let it go is to learn self acceptance. Feeling no shame at all would mean I had learned nothing, hadn't grown. Shame is a loaded word and I am always preaching against it on these forums; I guess I would replace 'shame' with 'remorse'. I feel remorse at things in my past but understanding why I did what I did, I can move on. Refusing to look at my mistakes means that I am giving them far to much power over my present life. True they cannot be undone but I have found that clarity comes from acknowledgement of my regrets as well as acknowledgement of my strength that I can use to change.

 

[Eveleivibe]

I see a middle ground. I look at some of my past mistakes and try to become reconciled with them. If I didn't look at them and feel some amount of shame I would be haunted by their presence--they would grow in my mind. To be able to feel shame and let it go is to learn self acceptance. Feeling no shame at all would mean I had learned nothing, hadn't grown. Shame is a loaded word and I am always preaching against it on these forums; I guess I would replace 'shame' with 'remorse'. I feel remorse at things in my past but understanding why I did what I did, I can move on. Refusing to look at my mistakes means that I am giving them far to much power over my present life. True they cannot be undone but I have found that clarity comes from acknowledgement of my regrets as well as acknowledgement of my strength that I can use to change.

I think you talk a lot of sense, Herbavore.,

Evey