Ive lost control and i cant hide it anymore...

[Spacemonkey5000]

For the last few years ive gotten more and more into dissiociative drugs.

It all started with mxe when it was legal, i used it anywhere from 1 to 5times per month depending on how i felt.
Idk what it was but somehow it made me feel not as lonely as before and also helped me accepting some of my past.

Anyway it all ended with my gf noticing me all holed out when we were supposed to sleep.
I was devestated since i never wanted to hurt her and thats why i did this shit in secret.

After that i slowed down alot but still did some new experiments with whatever new chems that became aviable aswell as ketamine once in awhile.
I necer binged out but at least a few times per year i had to get out of my mind to manage my normal life.
I also do alot of psychs and try to resolve my issues, but the insights of psychs alone are just to heavy to bear for me.

So what am i running from then?
Well when i was younger i got molested by several people during several different occasions, not raped or anything but still it has fucked me up pretty bad.
Along with that my gf got raped while we had just met each other and i just cant handle all that shit.

Idk what to do now, my gf recently found out this was my account here and she is freaking pissed that ive kept taking all these dissios behind her back.
We have a child together and idk where to go from here.
I want to promise her i will never lie to her again but its like i have a shadow side that just puts me in situations where i can take drugs to forget..

Also i forgot to mention, i used to be heavily into martial arts, its been the only good thing that kept me focused and not dwelling on my past.
Now ive fucked my body up and idk if i can ever train hard again.

Its really hard since taking dissios makes my rehab go to shit but i cant seem to stand life without them.
Ive gotten some snri from my doctor to treat my pain and depression.
I just dont want to take them since i wont be able to trip while on them.
But idk maybe i just should.

 

[RedLeader]

The common theme to both your past traumas and the current complications with drugs is the lack of trust. Sexual assault/molestation occurs when someone we trust abuses his/her place in our lives. And then finding out that someone close to you is using drugs in secret, and is also perhaps lying about it, is a huge violation of trust. Understand that your girlfriend probably feels like she's been taken for a fool, getting close to and trusting you in a relationship (which was probably hard for her if trust has been violated in her past) and then having that shattered.

The best way to repair trust is a breakdown to complete honesty (and then hope for the best). At the end of the day, some people will accept you for everything you've been through and are currently going through, and others will not. Honesty is the best filter for keeping the better people close to you. With your girlfriend, I'd just approach her in whatever way is most comfortable now (in person, write her a letter, etc) and explain to her what's led you to using drugs behind her back. Let her process it, don't rush her into making any decisions on your future. If she can identify at all with how you've been hurting, she may just want to let her love replace the drugs as what you use to help you cope with the past.

 

[Spacemonkey5000]

Im not sure i want her to forgive me.
Im usually a trustworthy person and she is more then liberal with my tripping and weed smoking.
I just seem to have some underlying agression towards her and how she has been handling alot of stuff regarding our relationship.
I just want to bail and let her get far away from me since she seems to be doing better than i am and i feel like a heavy anchor pulling her down.

We live together and have a child so stuff is complicated, now she doesnt trust me being able to be sober with my daughter so idk where this will end up really.
Ive never been totally fucked up when i shouldnt but someway she does have a point.
I truly love her but ive been a shitty boyfriend and just want whats best for her and im not it.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya spacemonkey5000,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I think you are very brave for coming here and opening up to us about your addiction, what those other people did to you - and problems with your spouse. You've coming to the right place. We're very supportive and welcoming crew here and there are some well informed members on addiction, recovery etc. Unfortunately I don't know much about mxe, having only dealt with codeine and suboxone - but I do understand about addiction.

All I can really advise you to do is to be honest with your gf about your addictions and maybe tell her where she can get some support for herself. There's al anon and nar anon which are meetings for friends and relatives of an addicted loved one. Maybe it may help her to talk to other like-minded people as well as you getting support yourself.

What do you feel that you could do to manage / overcome your addiction? You mention your love of martial arts. Would that be something that you could get back into again? Maybe look into training others with it or something? What about meetings like 12 steps (AA / NA etc)? Some are into these types of meetings, but some do not like them. If you look on Sober Living you'll see that there are different types of recovery discussed there like Smart recovery. The senior moderator, Neversickanymore has wrote many good threads on addiction, which you may find helpful. Also if you look at some threads on here they may help you like -

- Personal Accounts of Addiction What's Your Story (from Other Drugs sub-forum)
- Today I am thankful for...
- Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health and Addiction vs. I worked all that out
- May getting and / or staying sober thread vs. May Flowers
- Creating Positive Change vs. If Nothing Changes, then Nothing Changes
- Vent / Rant Thread vs. Don't Get in My Way

Thinking of you and I'm here any time you need someone to listen,
Evey

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like defeat is offering you a safety net in your mind (if I just admit I am bad and she goes away I will be able to sink into defeat comfortably). This would no doubt be true if you didn't have a daughter together but you two are in each others' lives for the long haul whether you stay together or split up. Only the two of you can truly know what is the best decision as far as that goes but the priority for both of you needs to be your daughter.

You ask what it is you are running from and I think it takes courage to ask that question and courage to go through what can be a very long process in answering it. Going through the process of facing your shadow self and coming to terms with it can be the most empowering act. People are usually afraid that it will destroy them but I have only seen the opposite. There is a freedom and an ease that comes from developing a brutal level of honesty within, though it may seem counter-intuitive.
I wish you all the best in your journey.

 

[Spacemonkey5000]

The weird is that a few days ago i took kambo for the first time.
After that all this mess just fell in my lap when i by mistake left my phone on the table with bluelight open.
My gf picked it up and saw all kinds of stuff ive written.

Later that night i had visions of angry frogs so somehow i think kambo forced me to deal with this shite instead of running away into lala land when shit hits the fan.

Its strange cause somehow im glad i got busted.

 

[herbavore]

^Yeah, I hear you. Keeping secrets can be exhausting.

 

[Eveleivibe]

I'm going to be honest here and I hope you don't take it in an offensive manner as truly it's not meant that way. It appears, from what you say that there is also a lack of trust going on, picking up your phone and looking through it. Maybe you both need to sit down and talk things through. It doesn't have to be the end if you work through things. If she feels that she can trust you - and you're honest she would not have to look through your phone when she saw Bluelight. Herbavore is quite right - you do both have a daughter together and what happens from here on, she is going to be affected so it's important to think how best to do things so she is hurt as less as she possibly can be. Please don't think I'm judging you in any way, I'm not. Only you can do that, no one else. I just want to give you support.

Take care,
Evey

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Maybe you should sit down and talk to your girlfriend about how you are feeling. Just get everything out in the open, not only about how your drug taking behaviour but about your emotions, your depression, about your feelings around your molestation, about her rape, about your guilt for lying to her (but don't turn it in to a sob story if you know what I mean), about how you feel you are dragging her down. That way you can work together together to start moving forwards in a positive direction with no secrets, if that's what you want.

If she is angry, allow her to be angry and say that you understand why she feels that way. If she is upset, allow her to be upset etc....If you both love each other then hopefully you should be able to reach a point of compromise/understanding where you can work as a team supporting each other through openness and honesty, which in itself should be the beginning of a return to happiness. A positive singular unit with common goals. There's three relationships in a successful and positive partnership between two humans. Your relationship with yourself, your partner's relationship with herself, and your relationship with each other. Unless all three of these are functioning correctly then the partnership will not be a positive one, so it's important you work together to support each other in fostering a positive 'environment' in each of these three individual relationships that add up to a successful partnership.

You're also perfectly entitled to return to your GP and request personal and/or relationship counselling. Printing out a prescription for anti-depressants and sending a patient on their way is standard practice as it's the cheapest option, but if you feel counselling will be more productive you are entitled to it. Don't be afraid to push for it if you have to.

Do you want to stop using dissociatives?

 

[herbavore]

Maybe you should sit down and talk to your girlfriend about how you are feeling. Just get everything out in the open, not only about how your drug taking behaviour but about your emotions, your depression, about your feelings around your molestation, about her rape, about your guilt for lying to her (but don't turn it in to a sob story if you know what I mean), about how you feel you are dragging her down.

If she is angry, allow her to be angry and say that you understand why she feels that way. If she is upset, allow her to be upset etc....?

This is really good advice. Allowing the other person to have his or her own legitimate reactions to our actions is really hard but when we can accept that it is actually better for us as well as for the other person, life just gets easier. We are so easily shamed by another's anger even though if we could step outside our own egos we could understand completely because after all we all share the same emotions. I once read a book called The Four Agreements and the one agreement about not taking anything personally was the most powerful.