First relapse since I turned my life around, need advice.

[bennyZA]

Hey all, it's been a long time. I used to post all over BL not that long ago, but I had to stop...

Why, you ask? Because I finally got sober, not just off the drugs, but finally entered a sober state of mind (which is the most important part). I decided everything in my life - not just the drugs - was to blame for where I was. I decided to do the exact opposite of everything I had been doing. I ended up starting a vigorous meditation practice and have now moved into a Zen Buddhist temple where I meditate ~3 hours a day. So far, I've had no problem with cravings... till yesterday.

I had to go to the see the doctor for a rash on my hands. When I was in there I realized that I could easily get my DOC, opiates. I had a major surgery on my shoulder and I have a massive scar, so I can get opiates whenever I want. I couldn't control myself. I really tried to not pick them up, but I did anyways. Earlier today I took them.

I'm really unhappy with myself. I had done so freaking well, SO WELL. Now I mess up. I'm in a great place mentally, so I'm not depressed. I'm just sad and disappointed.

So my questions:
1.) Since I can get pain meds whenever I want, how do I keep myself from picking them up?

2.) How do I prevent this relapse from getting worse?

3.) How do I rebound mentally so that I don't get that "fuck it" attitude?

ANY advice would be great. I would talk to my teacher here at the Zen temple, but I'm afraid the consequences might be extreme, perhaps even being kicked out!

TL;DR:
I finally turned my entire life around, I've been doing better than I have ever been in recent memory, maybe ever. Then, I finally relapse. What should I do?

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Keeping things really short:

1. Tell your doctor you're an addict and you want a note putting on your file saying you shouldn't be prescribed opiate drugs unless it is absolutely vitally necessary.
2. Don't beat yourself up over the fact you've had a use up. It's one time and you've recognised immediately the pain it has caused you and the danger of heading back to where you were. Throw away any remaining pills you have and just return to life as you were going about it before, this doesn't have to be a big deal. Be proud of yourself for recognising the danger and reacting to it by wanting to push on with your recovery.
3. See above.


Shit happens, you've made a mistake, don't run yourself in to the ground about it. Get rid of any meds you have left, wake up tomorrow and just continue going about your life and enjoying it in the way you were. Notify the doctor to remove the possibility of it happening again. Forgive yourself but don't forget yourself. Recognise and be grateful for the way you've turned your life around, maybe even allow yourself a little pride.

Sounds like you have been really successful in your recovery, smile and continue being so. This only has to be a big deal if you make it so.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey benny good to see you and great to here how well your doing. Hope the surgery turned out well for you. As far as the relapse no big deal at all. May infact be a good thing. How did the use of the drugs make you feal. If you have an experience like allot of us there effects were nothing like you "remembered" them.. in fact allot of us find them to have kinda nasty effects when we compare it to how good we generally start to feal with long periods of recovery. When our minds try and manipulate us into doing something and make us crave they usually send memories of this amazing experience.. its a fucking fantasy... if they ever made us feal like that it was for a little slice of time.. they actually make us feal like shit usually once we have been clean. It seems the instantly take away our souls so to speak. I think one of the real reasons that we think they make us feal so good is that for the majority of the time they make us feal so terrible that when they make us feal alright for a bit riite after use we think they make us feal great. But after we start feeling good with some clean time and then slip its usually easy to see our mistake.

So dont beat yourself up.. use this as what it is, a lesson.. dust yourself off, alther your thinking and keep moving forward... YOUR DOING GREAT.

 

[bennyZA]

How did the use of the drugs make you feal. If you have an experience like allot of us there effects were nothing like you "remembered" them.. in fact allot of us find them to have kinda nasty effects when we compare it to how good we generally start to feal with long periods of recovery

So true! The experience wasn't that great. I was high but it wasn't that fun. I just felt sad. It's funny, the high makes you feel better if you are depressed and miserable to begin with, but worse if you're happy and healthy. I'm going to look at this as a learning moment. I was just reminded how much better my life is and how I don't need drugs anymore.

This mind set is awesome! It's like my eyes were opened. Sobriety is a life-style and mind set. Everything needs to change to be sober. Just stopping never worked for me. In fact, I sat sesshin a couple weeks ago, which is 6 days of non-stop sitting meditation, and the deep transcendent experiences were far more euphoric than anything I've ever tried, it's unreal. Deep, profound, spiritual euphoria. Truly amazing.

I'd honestly love to start a thread about my experiences with Zen and how full-time residential Buddhist practice has turned someone thinking about suicide to someone thinking about spreading happiness! I just feel weird about proselytizing, I don't wanna sound like a religious nut. I wanna share my new life and present it as an option without trying to convince or convert. Which is interesting cause I don't feel like this is religion. It's a way of life. Zen doesn't really focus much on the super natural, religious part of buddhism, just the actual practice, which looks like this:

I wake up at 5am, I meditate hours every day. I work in the temple as a cook and I'm learning so much. I live with 50 of the most amazing people, many of whom are former addicts. I eat 3 uber healthy fresh meals, all local and organic. There are classes, workshops and lectures almost every night that are free for me. The other week I spent all weekend studying tai chi with a master who did a workshop. I can't begin to tell you how amazing this is! The meditation part is also amazing. 2 hours in the morning + 1 hour of chanting/bowing. 1hr of meditation at 5pm.

In the fall I might actually move to a true monastery in the middle of the Santa Cruz mountains that has no electricity or heating.

Anyways... I'm sorry to detour, I just want to tell my fellow BLers how I'm doing and I wanna help.

 

[The Doc.]

^°^thats the guilt you feel for letting yourself relapse putting you back at the start. I always say if an addict relapses they will go back to feeling about themselves when they were at their worst with drugs and then some because of all the guilt you feel. But I agree with never sick anymore I mean if somebody got clean and never ever relapsed then they would probably idolise their doc all through their recovery putting them at risk to call back into the lifestyle because your brain only relates your doc to good things not the bad about it. I remember telling my counsler when I relapsed on heroin that it made me think gee this isn't as good as my mind was making it out to be I don't know why I would want to risk being dependent again just to feel like this. It was like the magic was gone and it wasn't so special .

That's awesome to hear how your still on track for the most part keep us informed of your progress. Message me if you ever wana talk man I've been through many detoxes and know what's its like I've been in detox 6 times and in only 22

 

[northsideboy]

Dude, don't know you, but that's so cool. Just keep on going. I love everything about what your post says...getting clean, becoming sober, waking up to life, and then specifically the meditation, the lifestyle, the idea of the monastery and the location.

Addiction has been a theme for 30 yrs of my life. But healthy living, sobriety and eastern spirituality/practice has been a part of it for...maybe 15 or something close. I actually met my wife originally in a tai chi class, and married her many years later.
The last 3 years have been very challenging, with a relapse, active using and now trying to stay clean.

Meditation, and a spiritual and physical practice is exactly what I need, I know that - but as a parent, a provider, a FT employee - the challenge is always in finding the balance and the time.

Take advantage of what you have now - it sounds so beautiful. I should take my own advice, I know...I'm working on building the life I want and need, the things to support me and keep me grounded and healthy. Or it's right back to active addiction, that, I know.

You're blessed in your opportunities. That's really so wonderful. Good luck with everything.

 

[m060mm]

Relapse happens in some huge number of cases. The fact that you've done so much shows that this was just a moment of weakness. And posting here, seeking advice, shows that you're still committed. Don't worry about the number of days clean, consider how your life has improved overall.

 

[darriensmum]

I know how you feel when stuff is sitting right in front of you, your brain starts telling you stories. I'm almost at two years clean thanks to suboxone . But I live with an active addict I've certainly struggled more than a few times to get myself out of the f'' It thinking.... The only advice i can give is to try to remember the the bad instead of the good times. That helps get me through, that and my kids.