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pregnant girlfriend bored and lonely, need help.

nolys

nolys

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Jun 15, 2009
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I'm asking the fucking questions!
Need a bit of help here,

Me and my partner are expecting our first baby, she's 24 weeks gone, were both happy and exited the pregnancy was planned sort of. She is 20 and I am 21.

I work 40 hours a week and she works 2 4 hour shifts.

She constantly complains and crys that she is lonely bored and has nothing to do and nobody to talk to especially when I'm working, I've suggested going swimming at the pool 20 meters away from the house, suggested bingo, suggested going to her grandmother's... She won't swim due to stretch marks, won't go to bingo because she apparently doesn't like it when I know she really does, won't go to her grandmother's which is nearby because she's a smoker.
I've suggested going for walks but she says no because she's still alone.

I do everything I can for her, I give her money to go shopping when I can to get her out of the house, I waste endless amounts of diesel (expensive) going for pointless drives to get her out, I let her watch whatever she wants on tv, rub her back and try to comfort her, I drive her to her mum's when I can...

She complains that she has no friends anymore because she cantbdo the things she used to do before pregnant e.g go drinking at the weekend (which she only done about once every 8 weeks anyway).
She says it's ok for me because I get out of the house for work every day and go to the gym 4 times a week. This and for an hour on a Sunday watching football with my dad is the only time we're not together, I spend every other waking minute with her, I don't drink or go out with friends ever anymore, I don't even talk to them anymore, though I'm happy and I don't complain.

I can understand sitting in the house must be boring but all she does is cry about it and I comfort her as much as possible and don't complain. The only difference between our social lives is my gym going.

What can I do to help her or make her happier? It's really starting to bring me down, my work is focused on selling, and I try my hardest to sell what o can to make as much money as possible to keep her happy and get everything sorted for the baby coming, but it's hard when I'm constantly worrying about her being depressed knowing there's nothing i can do about it.
My sex life is also suffering which is something important to me, she is never in the mood anymore.

How do I fix this? What can I do to make her happy?
 
If she's ignoring her friends and any previous interests, it sounds like she's depressed. This could even worse after the baby is born so it is not something to ignore. She needs to see a doctor and therapist ASAP.
 
I'm hoping this may only be a hormonal change making her depressed. Her being home most of the time could contribute to boredom but she should be making an effort to get out of the house. Stretch marks from swimming? I used an oil rub to prevent them but if a person is predisposed they will occur anyway. Plus I worked full time until week 38 so I was too tired to be bored.

Your girlfriend needs a hobby or really something to occupy her time. You are doing the best you can to provide a comfortable life for your family. Sorry this is going to sound harsh but I don't mince words. This should be the happiest time of your lives and she's preoccupied with being miserable. Wait until the baby comes, things will really change, and I hope for the better.
 
Be harsh all you like, or nothing gets don't no beating around the bush, she has a history of depression, I have suggested seeing a therapist but she insists she is fine and she not seeing one as theirs no point because "their all dickheads".

Sorry I should have mentioned she gets depression, she is unwilling to do anything about it. She is also bipolar...
 
The depression comes abd goes though and I dint exactly know why she was diagnosed bipolar as I dontbreally notice it that much, she does have mood swings but they aren't extremely severe or nothing just don't know what mood she's going to be in
 
Therapists can be a godsend, but she has to be open to this and all you can do is encourage her. It could be the one-on-one therapy that makes your girlfriend feel resistant to it but with a group of peers she may feel more comfortable opening up. Perhaps a bipolar depression talk group therapy could be helpful? I have a friend who is also bipolar and goes to group therapy and she likes it a lot. She is also the type of person who is scared to leave the house, so they provide transport for her convenience.
 
I have tried to persuede her but she doesn't want to and even if she says yes I don't have the time to sort it out nor does she have any means of transport to get there i dontbthink they wpuld provide her transport...
I'm aware of all this it's just really knowing if there's anything I can personally do to help her? She's not terribly bad normally, although she hates being alone due to some issues in the past. She wasn't treated very well by very many people in her past including her ex boyfriend who used to beat her amongst other issues she's had with others...
 
Being that she suffers from depression, I think it would help to get her out of the house and this way she can focus on other things besides being bored. What about family members? So what if grandma smokes, can't they sit outside so she doesn't have to smell it? It seems like your girlfriend is finding excuses not to go out and she needs to do exactly that. Can she get more hours at work? This way she can focus on something productive. It's not like you can quit your job to entertain her full time.
 
I personally think she looks for excuses to stay in the house then complains about it, family live a decent distance away 6+ miles, and no busses on that route... The weather here is pretty shitty so the garden thing is useless. She's bullshitting anyway because when we had nowhere to live she lived with her aunt and uncle and they were both smokers... She could get more hours, although the problem with that is that the housing system and benefits system here works in a way that she will get far less money towards her housing if she does even an extra 4 hours a week. I can't even declare as living with her or being the baby's daddy, because on my wage and her wage combined we would not be able to afford housing and bills ect. I make 1000 a month, rent is typically 600 here, my car insurance is 150 a month, phone contracts is 60-80... She makes 200 a month as well. If I declareas living with her, we would be about 6-700 quid worse off a month.

Edit - we do cheat our benefits system here, as a lot of others do, it's seriously flawed, in our situation we can't afford to live without cheating, can't afford housing, but if your a fucking romananian or Pollack, and you get a plane here you don't work a day in your life and get handed a free house and a weekly living allowance... They basically make it hard to live if your on a low -medium full time income but if your a foreigner or a lazy cunt, everything is free...
 
If she is depressed then the problem is she might be a lot sadder than she is letting on to you, thus you might not be aware of how bad it is.

By what you posted it sounds like she is making her happiness dependent on you being around. That's a terrible situation to be in because that will never work out. She needs to have some personality outside of the relationship.


Whatever it is it sounds like something has to change in a big way right now. I do recommend therapy, whether its with both of you or just her. Probably better that she does it by herself for a while and later on join a group maybe. She can pick anyone she likes, so that way its more time she's spending outside, one more person she has to connect to and who'll listen to her, and someone who upon gaining her trust can help her change.
 
She sort of did before she was pregnant, she had friends she would occasionally do shit with, and she used to live in a house with 5 siblings and her mum and dad until about a year ago, but once she got pregnant and moved somewhere she's always by herself with no family around the problems started. But Fuck me you can't have your family around every day, I get her to her Mums for 2 hours at least 4 times a week whilst I go to the gym... She has just stopped going places with friends as apparently all they do is party...
 
Perhaps suggest that she go to the gym? Moderate exercise is perfectly healthy for pregnant women from what I understand. It's a great stress reliever, can help with depression and can be relatively social. I'm sure they have classes for pregnant ladies, she could meet plenty of people that way.

Now that i think about it, any social events or gatherings for pregnant women would be a good start.
 
Anyway, saying it's a difficult situation because she has nothing to do right now is just bullshit. People live their lives all over the world, even in the remotest regions and manage to find entertainment. It's not even like you moved to a different country or to an extremely rural area. The problem has everything to do with her attitude and fuck all to do with where she lives or her being pregnant. There's a million ways that she could be spending her time in, and even if some might not be entirely fulfilling it could help her pass the time and give her some enjoyment.


What this tactful fella is really saying is, do you really want to be going down this road? Raising a kid at the age you both are is hard enough without her being depressed. She is, in a way, sabotaging the relationship by making her happiness dependent on you and not trying at all, dismissing any attempts you make to get her out of the couch. So you either pull out (which would be having an abortion, which was so disrespectfully suggested above) or you find a way to change this pattern of behavior before it's too late.

There is no way that the only thing your girlfriend takes enjoyment from is getting fucked up and partying with her friends. If that is so, then she has some serious growing up to do. I know I wouldn't want to be in your situation right now. It is certainly scary.

You say you are both happy with this, but is she really? She might just be scared of the responsibility and be dealing with it badly. You need to get her "on board" if you want this relationship to last in a healthy way.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
The nature of depression is that it's really hard to get out and do anything (even to get up and take a shower in severe cases) and that nothing seems fun. She's not making excuses - this is really how she feels. You can try to drag her out of the house but it isn't going to solve the underlying problem. She needs professional help.
 
abracadabra girl said:
The nature of depression is that it's really hard to get out and do anything (even to get up and take a shower in severe cases) and that nothing seems fun. She's not making excuses - this is really how she feels. You can try to drag her out of the house but it isn't going to solve the underlying problem. She needs professional help.
Click to expand...

I agree.

Nolys, I just had a baby a couple of weeks ago. I chose to start taking an antidepressant at the end of pregnancy to try to avoid having post partum depression, but when it kicked in I realized that I had been depressed for much of the pregnancy. Depression during pregnancy is actually very common, but rarely discussed.

Not sure how far along she is, but I would suggest weighing the pros and cons of going on medication. It really helped me. Hormones are just so crazy during this time, and having a pre disposition towards depression seems to make it worse. Throw intense sleep deprivation on top of that after baby comes and it is a recipe for disaster.
 
First off, you seem like a really really great guy, especially for how young you both are and given your circumstances! You seem to really love her and sacrifice a ton for her. You will be a great dad.
I've been married since I was 5 months pregnant with our first of 2 daughters. I had her then day after my 21st birthday. My husband is 6 years older than me though so was more mature and ready to have a baby.
Having kids is hard! Being pregnant is hell for some women no matter what they do. Hormones are raging, you get claustrophobic, fat, insecure, and terrified of the unknown baby and all that entails. She sounds bored but needs to give you credit for being such a good guy. Just talk to her and express what you did here. Ask her what else you could do to make her happy? She shouldn't depend on anyone 100% for her own happiness. Her age was the same as me with our first. None of my old friends were (or are) anywhere close to having babies. I eventually made mommy friends. Just takes time! Congrats and good luck! Ps-are you in poland? My family lineage is from poland, I went once and am dying to return :))
 
FromHereToEternity said:
Anyway, saying it's a difficult situation because she has nothing to do right now is just bullshit. People live their lives all over the world, even in the remotest regions and manage to find entertainment. It's not even like you moved to a different country or to an extremely rural area. The problem has everything to do with her attitude and fuck all to do with where she lives or her being pregnant. There's a million ways that she could be spending her time in, and even if some might not be entirely fulfilling it could help her pass the time and give her some enjoyment.


What this tactful fella is really saying is, do you really want to be going down this road? Raising a kid at the age you both are is hard enough without her being depressed. She is, in a way, sabotaging the relationship by making her happiness dependent on you and not trying at all, dismissing any attempts you make to get her out of the couch. So you either pull out (which would be having an abortion, which was so disrespectfully suggested above) or you find a way to change this pattern of behavior before it's too late.

There is no way that the only thing your girlfriend takes enjoyment from is getting fucked up and partying with her friends. If that is so, then she has some serious growing up to do. I know I wouldn't want to be in your situation right now. It is certainly scary.

You say you are both happy with this, but is she really? She might just be scared of the responsibility and be dealing with it badly. You need to get her "on board" if you want this relationship to last in a healthy way.
Click to expand...

Thank you for this comprehensive explanation of your viewpoint and not just suggesting an abortion. I really appreciate this, even I'd you had mentioned an abortion in this at least I would have understood your reasoning and explanation instead of blindly suggesting getting rid of him. We both ate happy, infact its all she wanted before she got pregnant and the only thing keeping her going is the thought of the baby being born. She does suffer from depression but it is much worse right now.

abracadabra girl said:
The nature of depression is that it's really hard to get out and do anything (even to get up and take a shower in severe cases) and that nothing seems fun. She's not making excuses - this is really how she feels. You can try to drag her out of the house but it isn't going to solve the underlying problem. She needs professional help.
Click to expand...

I am in the pro,ess of trying to get her to go now, thanks for the input

moonlover said:
First off, you seem like a really really great guy, especially for how young you both are and given your circumstances! You seem to really love her and sacrifice a ton for her. You will be a great dad.
I've been married since I was 5 months pregnant with our first of 2 daughters. I had her then day after my 21st birthday. My husband is 6 years older than me though so was more mature and ready to have a baby.
Having kids is hard! Being pregnant is hell for some women no matter what they do. Hormones are raging, you get claustrophobic, fat, insecure, and terrified of the unknown baby and all that entails. She sounds bored but needs to give you credit for being such a good guy. Just talk to her and express what you did here. Ask her what else you could do to make her happy? She shouldn't depend on anyone 100% for her own happiness. Her age was the same as me with our first. None of my old friends were (or are) anywhere close to having babies. I eventually made mommy friends. Just takes time! Congrats and good luck! Ps-are you in poland? My family lineage is from poland, I went once and am dying to return :))
Click to expand...

Thank you, I try my best for her, I hope she can come around soon, part of the problem I havnt delved into is her sister was pregnant last year, got all the attention and people pussy footed around her, now she's in the same situation and she gets nowhere near the attention and her family don't try too hard, the focus is all on the other sister who already has the kid. Nobody is really supporting her apart from me.
And no I'm from Ireland lol.


Were my and the previous wanker of a moderators comments deleted?
 
Not really we have everything sorted to be honest we've bought everything and we live in a 1 bedroom flat so not much to do at the moment were waiting on the housing executive giving us a bigger house so we can't really do any of that but thanks for the suggestion, she keeps a clean house though it's not really enough to keep her going
 
prenatal depression often goes undiagnosed, as pregnant women often dismiss their feelings; thinking it's probably just up to the temporary moodiness that often accompanies pregnancy.
you should talk seriously with your partner about it. sit her down, in a relaxed setting, and have a heart-to-heart. let her know seeing a therapist or psychiatrist isn't an indication of weakness. on the contrary, it shows that you're willing to take the steps necessary to keep your baby and yourself safe and healthy.

it might be difficult but it is important she discusses this with her doctor - or that maybe you should, if you feel comfortable with doing that. the doctor or midwife will be able to talk some sense into her. during pregnancy - especially - a person's emotional health is every bit as important as their physical health. and in fact, it can affect your physical health.

i really think that swimming might help her. exercise is a great combatant to depression, and it's so great for her (and baby's) overall health. makes you feel a million bucks. maybe offer to go with her a few times? it might make her actually go :)

congratulations on the expectant lil one :) i hope everything works out for you guys.
 
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