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went to my first meeting today

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GettingClean

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 10, 2014
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Well I confided in someone I work with today because I can't stand this sober shit right now. I fucking hate it. I wanna get high so bad....I'm so depressed and anxious and my legs and head hurt all the time. Right now literally everything is hard. So when she asked me how I was today I spilled my guts knowing as an addict she really already knew by looking at me. There's only so much you an blame on allergies and the flu. Told her I had 10 days clean and was feeling broken and she took me to a meeting after work. I only caught the tail end of it after were got off but it wasn't bad or scary. No one was judgemental or accusatory or any of the things I imagined. So I'm going back Friday. I hope this will help me. I need something to give right now before I do.
 
Well, in my experience with meetings, it's all very accepting and non-judgemental cuz most of the people in those rooms have done a ton of drugs/drank many gallons of booze, and have done lots of fucked up things while under the influence of those forces, have been in and out of correctional facilities, etc. My first experiences with AA were forced upon me by Johnny Law and I resented the hell out of it, esp. because what I was in for was drug charges & what everyone in those meetings were talking about were their problems with booze, which I felt didn't relate to my situation. At that point I had not experienced alcoholism, and I didn't really have a problem with alcohol. I pretty much tuned out everything there.

Later on I went to some local AA meetings on my own volition because I was drinking hard and making some really poor choices. I was killing myself with alcohol and didn't really know what to do other than "go sober". Eventually I just decided to drink less booze, though, and decided against total abstinence. It's been working pretty well so far, although I'll still go through an occasional bender every couple weeks or so. I'm quite skeptical of AA's (and "12 step models" in general) strategy but hey, if it works for you then that's great. AA zealots and AA/NA/12 steps place in popular culture has always been a bit off-putting for me, that's all. The solution to problematic drug use and paths towards sobriety differ based upon individuals IMO and AA doesn't have some kind of "universal answer" to the problem.
 
Thank you ^ right now I don't feel like I will make it through this. I don't feel like I am ever going to be normal or happy again. It is literally one second at a time right now, not even one day at a time.
 
GettingClean said:
Thank you ^ right now I don't feel like I will make it through this. I don't feel like I am ever going to be normal or happy again. It is literally one second at a time right now, not even one day at a time.
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You're taking the initiative to go to meetings with the intent to get clean, so that's what counts <3 PAWS are difficult. All we can do is take it one moment at a time. If you slip up- don't worry or beat yourself up over it. It happens to the best of us. Once you get past this initial phase of withdrawal and the physical symptoms subside, you'll feel a lot better, obviously, and hopefully have an easier time. We are here for you if you want help or support or just somewhere to rant about how hard it is. Because it is.

Check back in with us and keep us updated <3
 
Thank you all for the support. I never ever would've been able to make it this far without your support and Love and acceptance and guidance. This really is hard. Today was hard. I can almost deal with the dopesickness easier than the mental cravings. One of my coworkers is pretty obviously also an opiate addict and she was high as Fuck all day today. It was very very hard to be around her as I was already irritable and woke up craving hard which continued all day. How do you all deal with that? Ugh....all I could think every time she opened her mouth is my God I wish I was that blitzed...
 
A millisecond at a time sounds less overwhelming than a day right now, thank you for saying that....I needed it:) I am also surprised at all the negative opinions of aa/na here as I had a wonderful experience and woke up wanting to go back tonight. I'm not sure I'm all on board with the 12 step mess but being in a room full of people who made me feel completely accepted without even having to say a word last night was really powerful...
 
GettingClean said:
I'm not sure I'm all on board with the 12 step mess but being in a room full of people who made me feel completely accepted without even having to say a word last night was really powerful...
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That's my favorite part of going to meetings as well. Knowing that you're all in the same boat, and can relate to total strangers on that level. Regarding the 12 step stuff, they say take what you need and forget the rest. I met a guy who has 23 years clean and hasn't done much if any step work at all. Just making it to meetings is enough to keep him clean. Good luck with everything. You're doing great!
 
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