Feeling broken

[Pill2Chill]

Hey everyone,
A long time ago i made a brief post here once and was told to make my own thread.
I thought:" no way I dont want a whole TDS thread about me." So i left, and hopped on back to DC.
Here i am a few years later, still struggling, possibly as bad, but I'm at least no longer feeling as depressed as i remember myself being when i visited TDS for the first time. This threads may be a little chaotichally written. Atm all of what i write down appears very relevant to me. Apologieës, thats largely due to severe intoxiation.


When I came here the first time and decided against opening a topic:
You could say that i was unable to admit to myself and to others how much of a fucking fuckup my life had become. I mean an absolute Joke! With zero accomplishments to my name. Unemplyed, no diplomas. Also because of my scoliosis I struggle hard with most jobs that require physical work.. a job where I have to be on my feet all day is also pretty much impossible. A lot of people IRL will tell me to 'man up' or 'just tough it out', eventhough There are times when my back hurts sooo much I just physically am incapable of continuing. So that rules out a shitload of jobs. So does not having a highschool diplomá ;\


I would love to do something in IT, i had signed up for a course on programming that wouldve started last month, but there was a limited number of contestants and i didnt get a spot. I just signed up for a course that looks even more Appealing than the one i had signed up for first. But it is a while until that one starts, and i want to be sure i will get in somewhere asap. im going to be browsing through more courses and job to try and find some more stuff that would suit me.

Basically, the being at home doing nothing is weighing on me. It leads to extreme boredom, which in turn leads to drug abuse. I have recentely gotten off Benzos completely after 5years daily and can still feel its wd symptoms but ill manage. I also take tramadol responsibly once every 2 or 3 days (200mg XR). Recreationzlly Im smoking a lot of weed, most days and most of those days. I try to not take any hard drugs because they will fuck my functioning ability for a while. But am afraid amphetamine's grip over me is a little too strong right now, I always keep going back to it after a while.. I romanticize it in some fucker up Fashion. Buy amphetamines and inject myself repeatedly while browsing bl/tc. Fucking pathetic is what it is.

So what i wish to accomplish XR is no more harddrugs, and smoke weed only in the evening and only after a day during which i did something productive. The fastest way for me to reactie my goal isi by getting a job, or finding a course that would lead to a job I am very interested in. Its hard to find good Course that will actually be worth Anything.

There is more but I Guess i will conclude here. Any input would be appreciatied. Or thoughts, comments, Anything really.

Also, hey guys...

Ps: on a semi-positive note; it has been since early jan since i last had suïcidaal thoughts. Before that i had them every day for a very long time. Improvement, right ?

 

[sinclair1984]

I've been and there and will be again. hang on, drugs are'nt the enemy, they can help us or hurt us based on how we use them.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Hey PTC,

Boredom is most definitely one of the worst enemies of anyone trying to recover. The good thing is at least you have an idea of what you want to do, I spent many years flitting around with no direction and very little interest in what I was doing.

Does the IT work have to be in the programming side? How about Networking (administration and sometimes infrastructure). They're pretty lean on the labour side except when setting up new systems and most Uni/colleges have specific courses in this field.

 

[Allein]

Hi PTC

So much of that resonates with me at this time, the daily struggle with pain and pain killers, previous benzo use and the amphetamines in particular, which only this week I've sought professional help with.

I'm fortunate enough to have managed to maintain a career of sorts in technology but I'm guessing that at 43 I have few years on you, those years don't have any bearing on wisdom I'm afraid

As I'm in the UK my ability to make a suggestions around education and careers is very limited, I've dabbled in Ebay selling of IT equipment and other things in the past, it's certainly something you can do mainly from home and you are in control of your own working times etc. It may not make you rich but it's some extra income and would give you something to do. Businesses are often disposing of redundant desktops etc, just a thought there are many other areas you could look at.

IT is quite a broad industry these days and networking does tend to require an element of physical work especially at the start of your career, programming or maybe web design do seem obvious areas for you. You might be able to develop a working from home role in, which sounds like a better fit for yourself.

I often end posts with 'PM me anytime' etc...but I'll drop you one later today

 

[Pill2Chill]

Thanks for the kind words guys. Black rabbit: No it does not have to programming, just any IT job really. In highschool (which i dropped out of, half way through the last year) I studied IT, and i am really passionate about it. Thats why im opting for a course instead of finding a job and working my way up. Frankly, if i went jobhunting now, i dont think theyd hire me anywhere, let alone the places I'd want to work.

Today is the first day since the other thing turned out a bust that i've been looking through avalaible courses again. Theres another thing; i find it so extremely hard to get started on looking for a course or in the past a job. I dont really know what causes me to avoid it so much, because i aint got nothing but time... Im litterally killing Hours in tinychat because i am so bored, yet searching through the courses is too much? Maybe its because im scared of change.. Dunno. I do know that i want my life to change though...

Grtz.

 

[JoeTheStoner]

Maybe its because im scared of change..

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
― Joseph Campbell

came to mind. just wanted to say i feel you and am in similar situation. cycle of abuse, clean, want to break the cycle, but fall back into it always... days clean, the thought of change brings anxiety and without using comes mild panic attacks. just thinking outloud here and know what ya going through. i know from reading your post you are serious about changing for the better. wish you the best.

 

[Asclepius]

Hey PTC

First, well done on beating the Benzo's! :D
Secondly, I empathise a lot with your thread, am sorry things are difficult for you atm, boredom is a scourge. Also, sometimes the lack of confidence can just keep you stuck in the same comfort zone - when the only 'support' you get is that goddamn 'man-up' nonsense, it doesnt help either. :/

Are you getting any outside help?

When you're confidence is beaten imo, it is the easiest thing to make excuse after excuse to 'protect yourself' from any possible threat. Your fear of the unknown/change, especially when you are feeling unmotivated, does sound like it's leading your choices atm.

Is there anything at all getting you out of the house atm, apart from getting amphs?

Glad you are feeling better than you were January, this is progress!

I do feel for you man, I am in a slightly similar state to you atm in terms of feeling stagnant and directionless...ugh

Let us know how any course searches go for you?

 

[herbavore]

^ I just started this thread because I have been thinking a lot about this very thing. Great quote, Joe.

PtoC, I dropped out of high school many years ago. I did go and get a GED after a couple of years and I would advise doing that. There are always classes in adult ed that can facilitate you doing that. Beyond that, check out your county mental health services because sometimes they actually have decent programs that can help you get started in meeting your goals. It really depends on where you live but check it out. There is a program where I live that is specifically for 18-25 year olds that have dropped out of school, are unemployed and have either mental health issues (usually anxiety and depression) or addiction/abuse or both. It's part support group, part practical strategies.

The great thing about having IT skills is that there are so many freelance jobs. My husband's business has always used a guy here that never actually went to school at all! He was homeschooled for a while by his hippie mom and then just self taught himself everything about computers. He runs his own business setting up systems for small businesses--never advertises, all word of mouth--and he makes a very decent living. He has been doing this now for about 20 years with no degree whatsoever.

One thing that I will say about weed is that it really can be a motivation killer for a lot of people. If you find that you can't stick to your plan of evenings only, I would consider leaving it alone for awhile. And using stims gives you a false paradigm. Eventually you have to come to know your own body and mind, understanding what feeds and kills motivation and energy and changing habits to maximize them. For me that meant changing eating habits, sleep habits, limiting computer time, etc.

I'm glad you posted. (())

 

[Pill2Chill]

Before answering Anyone let me quote this Message i posted in drug culture, it describes it well.

Have been compulsively poking myself with needles since last night. To give you an idea; I redose at the same pace with amps as i would with cocaïne. And i put in as much as I can dissolve in the shot. Im so digusted with my own behavior. Ugh. Why do I even do this.

I wonder what the Mg amount is at right now. I imagine well over 1500mg. I do an acetone wash each time on my amps but am sure that what im left with is still not entirely pure. It does get the cafeïne out though.. So im unable to say exactly howmuch ive consumed. Again, it is a lot.

Im gonna toss the rest and just come down now.

I didnt actually toss it.

My glorious past 24hrs, just to give you guys an idea. I am not like this most days, most days i am content with some Bud. However, once I get started, i just start to selfdestruct at the highest possible rate. I dont even enjoy amps anymore, i enjoy the rush and chase that. I get a mental clarity from it as well and it is also a very effective anxiolytic for me, as weird as that might sound. But because i am Chasing this rush, the added effects will be so strong that it is,t long before the Side effects take over, i just dismiss them and just keep redosing against all reason and Logic.



======


Now for your lovely replies.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
― Joseph Campbell

came to mind. just wanted to say i feel you and am in similar situation. cycle of abuse, clean, want to break the cycle, but fall back into it always... days clean, the thought of change brings anxiety and without using comes mild panic attacks. just thinking outloud here and know what ya going through. i know from reading your post you are serious about changing for the better. wish you the best.

Thanks for sharing that man.

Hey PTC

First, well done on beating the Benzo's! :D
Secondly, I empathise a lot with your thread, am sorry things are difficult for you atm, boredom is a scourge. Also, sometimes the lack of confidence can just keep you stuck in the same comfort zone - when the only 'support' you get is that goddamn 'man-up' nonsense, it doesnt help either. :/

Are you getting any outside help?

When you're confidence is beaten imo, it is the easiest thing to make excuse after excuse to 'protect yourself' from any possible threat. Your fear of the unknown/change, especially when you are feeling unmotivated, does sound like it's leading your choices atm.

Is there anything at all getting you out of the house atm, apart from getting amphs?

Glad you are feeling better than you were January, this is progress!

I do feel for you man, I am in a slightly similar state to you atm in terms of feeling stagnant and directionless...ugh

Let us know how any course searches go for you?

I'm not getting any outside help. I have tried several psychologists and been to rehab twice. The psychologists were telling me things that my mom would also tell me on a daily basis, and made me feel foolish and misunderstood. I wasnt told a single thing that was useful to me. Addiction care as a whole in belgium is not really impressive. Its hard to find people who specialize in treating addiction. And treatments centers are more often than not speciAlized in just 1 thing but will still take in poly drug addicts but be painfully oblivious to substances they dont specialize in and how to deal with detoxing. Honestly, there hasnt been one thing thing that treatment has done for me. So i prefer to solve things by myself, not an easy task. That might be foolish of me but i just dont think it would do me,any good.

If i got like comitted,id feel even worse about myself and my mental State. No, what I feel need is new purpose. A goal, something i can be passionate about... Something that i can be proud of, or atleast get satisfaction from.. I am convinced this purpose lies in IT. But it's hard to be taken very seriously when you have no diploma or other degrees.

No i dont get out of,the house at all these days. I still get invites from some friends, but always decline as im terrified to meet the new people theyve met and automatically associate this with a bad time.. Yeah, i get awkward hanging around people I dont know.

^ I just started this thread because I have been thinking a lot about this very thing. Great quote, Joe.

PtoC, I dropped out of high school many years ago. I did go and get a GED after a couple of years and I would advise doing that. There are always classes in adult ed that can facilitate you doing that. Beyond that, check out your county mental health services because sometimes they actually have decent programs that can help you get started in meeting your goals. It really depends on where you live but check it out. There is a program where I live that is specifically for 18-25 year olds that have dropped out of school, are unemployed and have either mental health issues (usually anxiety and depression) or addiction/abuse or both. It's part support group, part practical strategies.

The great thing about having IT skills is that there are so many freelance jobs. My husband's business has always used a guy here that never actually went to school at all! He was homeschooled for a while by his hippie mom and then just self taught himself everything about computers. He runs his own business setting up systems for small businesses--never advertises, all word of mouth--and he makes a very decent living. He has been doing this now for about 20 years with no degree whatsoever.

One thing that I will say about weed is that it really can be a motivation killer for a lot of people. If you find that you can't stick to your plan of evenings only, I would consider leaving it alone for awhile. And using stims gives you a false paradigm. Eventually you have to come to know your own body and mind, understanding what feeds and kills motivation and energy and changing habits to maximize them. For me that meant changing eating habits, sleep habits, limiting computer time, etc.

I'm glad you posted. (())

I am unfamiliar with the term GED, but i assume its something to get your diploma outside of highschool? When i had just dropped out of highschool i actually did this study at home & just do the exams thing. I only went to half the exams initiale planning to do the other half the next semester and aced them all, but never did the others because i was too stupid to eerloze what a diploma meant. I though the rest of the subjects, the ones i had not yet done an exam for were difficult to study, so i neglected to do so..

Thats 2 times i almost finished highschool. Ugh

I have checked out mental health services but shall do so once Again but more throughout this time.

I know weed has its down sides, and that it shouldnt be used too lightly. It can definitely make me lazy so ill watch out for that



Believe me guys, It's hard for me to open up about this.. But i want to change. To change, I will have to let go. Whats done is done. Opening up about your problems is the first step to fixend them.. Heb. Long ways still...


Thx for the support guys