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The only thing in life achieved without effort is failure.

ExInMil

ExInMil

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 12, 2014
Messages
179
Location
Orwellian World
Today is my two week mark.
Two weeks ago at this time exactly (2:15 am) I snorted my last line of heroin.

After the acutes (which are not cute at all....) the biggest problem I have is the insomnia, but I gata say; It has never felt this good before in such a short period of time. Six fucking years of my life has been on one opiate or another (From Vykes, to buying methadone, to heroin and everything in between). Besides running my business for 5 years and meeting the love of my life, I have not moved my life forward at all since the age of 20.

I dont want to become to cocky and complacent, but I really do feel as if this is it. And man does it feel good. The sense of excitement in my future is coming back and no longer feels like a staring into a endless chore list. Challenges are starting to become welcoming instead of just being chances to fail, becoming the reason to not even try at all.

I romantized opiate addiction.
The "fuck it" mentality, the chance of leaving middle class monotony with a stigmatized drug habit was my way of rebelling.

If I live in a society that is ok with blood sport capitalism, with exploiting the majority of the world so I can pay less for shoes and sit on my couch and watch TV, with racism, xenophobia, homophobia, a society that embraces religion when god has been dead for a long time or rather has been replaced with money, the same society that makes their own daughters sick by promoting a false image of femininity, the same ones that can spew foot ball stats while not knowing who thier congressman is or who's pocket they are in. The same people that are to chicken shit to stand up for their beliefs, or rather have any that are not spoon fed to them by a "news" channel. Where guns are a golden calf and war is our main export, If I live in a society that is too busy paying their mortgage, watching american idol, and working just hard enough not to get fired, if I live in that society, I will be doped up out of my mind.....

Or so was my rationalization....

Two weeks clean and all of those things are still true..... but at least this time I am happy, and maybe that is the first step to lasting change, for me and the world.

Thanks to everyone here who has helped and encouraged me in the last two weeks.
You only know me by my handle and you all still genuinely care and try to help, with no profit involved.
That is what I want to see in the world.

Peace!
 
Congrats on two weeks, that's awesome. I'm coming up on my two week mark. Two weeks ago this Tuesday will have been the last time I had a needle in my arm banging heroin and pills. I still have insomnia too, I know it's a bitch. I've still got some bad leg pains, it's not even RLS anymore, they just fucking hurt.

And yeah it's sad that all that stuff is true. What is this world coming to? Going to Shit, that's what smh.ha
 
Congrats Exinmil that's great to hear that you are doing your best to get clean. It is a hard battle but it is worth it!!!
 
ExInMil said:
... I really do feel as if this is it. And man does it feel good. The sense of excitement in my future is coming back and no longer feels like a staring into a endless chore list. Challenges are starting to become welcoming instead of just being chances to fail, becoming the reason to not even try at all.
Click to expand...

That is fantastic to read. Ever thought about keeping a journal of the ups and downs of this journey? It could be a powerful tool now and an interesting read when you are farther along.



If I live in a society that is ok with blood sport capitalism, with exploiting the majority of the world so I can pay less for shoes and sit on my couch and watch TV, with racism, xenophobia, homophobia, a society that embraces religion when god has been dead for a long time or rather has been replaced with money, the same society that makes their own daughters sick by promoting a false image of femininity, the same ones that can spew foot ball stats while not knowing who thier congressman is or who's pocket they are in. The same people that are to chicken shit to stand up for their beliefs, or rather have any that are not spoon fed to them by a "news" channel. Where guns are a golden calf and war is our main export, If I live in a society that is too busy paying their mortgage, watching american idol, and working just hard enough not to get fired, if I live in that society, I will be doped up out of my mind.....

Or so was my rationalization....
Click to expand...



Your world view, especially as it relates to american culture, is one that I share. Rather than feel victimized by it, I choose to fight everything that is abhorrent to me by becoming healthy and happy in my own skin, in my own life and to spread as much of that happiness as I can wherever I am. It can be hard to keep your eyes open in this time and place in history without being overwhelmed but when you begin to see how much compassion is really still around you, and you can choose to give compassion to not only others but yourself as well, the world is made better.
 
Thanks for the props everyone. It really does help. And I actually slept last night!

As for keeping a journal, I dont know what I would write about as my life is pretty uneventful.

As for being victimized, I'm not sure I feel victimized. It just seems overwhelming in the face of the apathy that surrounds me.

But yeah, I also try to be the best human I can be even the face of all that is shitty.

Thanks again everyone.
 
Just to clarify, I wasn't inferring that you felt victimized, ExInMil. I did when I was younger so I was referring to my own growth over the years.:)
 
Ah, if only we had politicians like you Exinmil. (sorry) Not that i'd encourage a life of politics but hey, you breath it out there and it is received. Good.
Good on you for pulling through; no small feat. What can I say. Right on man.
 
Congrats ExInMil :)

Being clean and sober is so fulfilling and that's where true happiness can be found. I really hope that you continue to keep your new found zeal for sobriety and continue along this path.
 
Haha, thanks everyone.

As for being a politician, I have wanted to go into political science, but as we know when you try to change the system form within, its not you who changes the system but the system changes you. And if it dosint, you die in a plane crash.

Really, thank you everyone for the encouragement.
It means a lot to me.
 
It's when you give all of yourself, 100% effort and honesty, and you fail because people lie about you. That is what I am going through.
 
Rox said:
It's when you give all of yourself, 100% effort and honesty, and you fail because people lie about you. That is what I am going through.
Click to expand...

I guess I'm not crystal on what you mean....

People cant make you fail getting clean by lying about you....

Care to explain?
 
ExinMil, You still fairing well out there? Hoping so.
and uh, good on you.

Myself?; ugh.

Hey, mind if I ask you how long the 'not so cute at all' symptoms eased up a little?
 
Ubi said:
ExinMil, You still fairing well out there? Hoping so.
and uh, good on you.

Myself?; ugh.

Hey, mind if I ask you how long the 'not so cute at all' symptoms eased up a little?
Click to expand...

Thanks for asking! Today is three weeks! Never thought I'd make it this far!

As far as the acutes, with the help of some comfort meds, let up around day five/six.
I could sleep normally some days starting around day ten....

What are you coming off of? Either way, good choice on quitting.....!
 
Hey ExInMil, I am looking at it from a psychological perspective. A lot of what preventives positive things from happening is the amount of emotional and physical 'baggage' that is stuffed inside of our subconscious, we don't even really understand it's depth because it is beneath the surface. I am experiencing some of the same things and it will probably take time to get through the powerful depression.
 
ExInMil said:
Thanks for asking! Today is three weeks! Never thought I'd make it this far!

As far as the acutes, with the help of some comfort meds, let up around day five/six.
I could sleep normally some days starting around day ten....

What are you coming off of? Either way, good choice on quitting.....!
Click to expand...

Morphine. and oh yeah, RIGHT ON to three weeks. Seems you could be in the clear mate and how flippin grand is that!, I'll tell you, VERY much so....
good on you and wishing you all the best . Congrats.
 
Thanks Ubi!

I wouldint say in the clear, still learning to live life sober after six years and I do think about using when stress hits.

As for you,
Well morphine is one of the shortest acting opiates so you are better off than a lot of people if that helps any.
Are you off or are you planning on it?

Rox said:
Hey ExInMil, I am looking at it from a psychological perspective. A lot of what preventives positive things from happening is the amount of emotional and physical 'baggage' that is stuffed inside of our subconscious, we don't even really understand it's depth because it is beneath the surface. I am experiencing some of the same things and it will probably take time to get through the powerful depression.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the response, In my case I dont think I have to much baggage. I just enjoy getting fucked up too much and let it take over to the point where it was not enjoyable anymore. Plus, I dont really know how to be proactive if its all subconscious.....

Like I said, In my case the SNRI helped a lot. I have tried to quit with and without the help of an antidepressant and I STRONGLY recommend getting on it before quitting. Really night and day in regards to the depression.

Best wishes to everyone trying to get their shit together!
 
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