Am I playing with fire?

[Johnny Summers]

Hello. Im a first time poster.

Im a 25 year old med-student, living abroad.

For the last 6 months Ive been using several drugs recreationally. I just quit smoking weed, since I didnt mix good with it. I used to get panick attacks, very frightening experiences and started depersonalisating and derealising without even noticing.

Im extremely sensitive to drugs, both physical and mentally. My favourite drug is Ecstacy, and I use it almost once every week when I party. Ive recently started combining it with Mephodrone.

At first when I mixed alot of drugs, I didnt think much of it. But I got very psychedelic experiences with hallucinations and delusions when I mixed ecstacy with weed. Three months ago, I had been up for 5-6 days with only 2 hours of sleep every day, mixing amphetamines, ecstacy, weed, cocaine and alcohol. At day 3, slowly but steady started becoming psychotic with major delusions of grandeur. I stopped using drugs for about 4 weeks after that, since I was so frightened. There are some cases of mental health issues in my family, and there might be schizophrenia in my family, so I have always been afraid of triggering it. Although im not sure wether its that or schizoid personality disorder.

Anyways, Ive been acting and thinking more strangely lately. Im prescribed Ritalin for ADHD, and I take it everyday, which doesnt exactly help. I spend alot of time thinking of how reality and the whole origin of the universe doesnt make sense. I ponder alot on what mind or thougts really are, and think its really weird that we, life, can exist when were only composed of a bunch of brain cells and electrical on-off signals made of dead atoms. I spend too much time thinking about these things, and sometimes I get troubled by thoughts I dont want to have, such as 'what if the life we live is actually just a simulation' or 'what if this life is just some trick or prank on me, and the rest of human kind is in on it. They dont know that im starting to catch on to them'.

This part is an edit, i felt like adding it: ->
one of the things that fuel these thoughts is as my mentioned, the beginning of the universe and how life works. Beginning of the universe for me doesnt make sense, and sometimes i get freaked out or derealized when i think about it how can something occur from absolute nothingness, or have existed forever? even though we just dont understand it, doesnt justify it. just the existance of reality makes everything weird for me, but thats why it also opens up endless possibilities. ill try to explain a bit:
so what are thoughts really? what is conciousness? this one also freaks me out. we are just electric signals, thats the furthest we can dig down the rabbithole. so yeah, our thoughts, WE, are made of physical matter. but are thoughts are not physical matter. its just like a computer program. on off signals. bunch of em. but still, we cant touch them. ever thought of how fu*ked up it is that something dead can create such a magnificent phenomenon? you are alive, you are here, looking at your computer screen, reading this text and making up your own opinion. its almost unexplainable. the thing that defines you as a very unique entity, is not physical. made of physical matter, yes, but technically, the mind which might seem as merely electrical signals to the observer is something much more massive and incomprehensible. but if its not physical what is it then? might not even be real. and what about the universe? doesnt make sense. what if the universe is just like the mind? doesnt make sense how reality EXISTS. how the hell can it? maybe it can because it doesnt? the mind, we, thoughts, a thing that one could not ever possibly find, because it doesnt physically exist, still exists even though it doesnt make sense. yeah sure "i think therefore i am", but the fact that something exists that doesnt exist, for me atleast, made me question everything, and this is what started my drug assisted psychosis. <-

I know these thoughts are not real, and because of my psychotic experiences, I have no trouble distinguishing normal and abnormal thinking. I know what is real, and what is not. I must also admit, that although these thoughts are becoming more and more frequent, I have always taken a little joy in creating a little fantasy world in my head, and I do take a little pleasure and find these thoughts amusing from time to time. As long as I know what is real and not. However I am worried that this might be an early start of a life-lasting mental illness, and that the drugs I use are helping my brain trigger it.

Last time I was out clubbing, I combined alot of mephodrone and ecstacy. Something weird happened for 3-4 seconds, something which has only happened twice before. I think it was at the peak of my high. First time it happened was 2 months ago, and I was clubbing. I had done more drugs than last weekend, but I saw this downs-syndrom guy at the dance floor, jumping up and down, making funny faces and looking at me, as he was making fun of me. At that moment, my whole world just focused on him, and the experience was pretty psychedelic. I started to wonder if it was a hallucination or not, since it felt so weird. He looked like something alien- and godlike, and it felt like something or someone omnipotent had placed him there, just for me, to prove a humorous point. 'I know you know now, there is something much more out there, but hey, you cant tell anyone theyll think youre crazy, 'haha'.'

This happened last weekend as well when this weird guy decided to tease a friend of mine by pulling his jacket backward while my friend was really drunk. He had this smiling half-laughing face, and I got the exact same feeling as that time on the dancefloor with the down-syndrom guy.

However this night was different. For the next 2 hours or so, I felt reality was a little bit different and, it was like I was closing in on a secret. I was paranoid, in a happy way, thats the best way I can explain it. Whenever Id talk to people and they would tell me something new or something I didnt know that was special in a little way, it felt like my whole perspective on life and reality was flipped over. It changed everything. Dont really know how to explain it, it was this weird feeling that accompanied the whole night. I was the center of the universe, and everything pointed towards me.

Anyways, on other occasions when ive taken alot of drugs, I have also questioned reality alot. One time, I felt like I was just a part of someone elses dream, or a part of a book or a story of some sort. I also become derealized very often. It doesnt freak me out so much more though (just sometimes), I just find it very interesting and amusing since I usually think real life is dull and boring.

One other time I was coming down from a cocaine binge at a party, I decided to smoke some weed. Like I said, im sensitive, so my comedowns are harsh and accompanied by severe anxiety and bad/sad mood. Suddenly, I looked at a guy in the room, and it felt like the whole reality just stopped for 1 second. It HURT mentally, and I freaked out. I was having jamaivus or whatever its called (opposite of dejavu) and it lasted for several hours. Two weeks after, I was afraid of the guy I looked at when this happened, because he was so weird and unusual, and I got the feeling that he was a part of something more and incomprehensible i didnt understand. I thought ALOT about it, and even though I knew it wouldnt happen, I have sometimes thought that the reality we live in or the life I live will stop and the whole existance or the life we live will end if i discover something im not supposed to.

I have never tried LSD, shrooms or any other strong disassociatives or psychedelics - I know it would end very, very badly. However I am really attracted to them, and keep reading about them and looking at surreal psychedelic artwork. I get the feeling that I have somehow seen many of the things displayed in them before, and that they are a portal to another very real dimension of living that we are convinced are just drugs.

Ive also started making connections in many different things, such as movies, songs and weird coincidences. I know this is just me making it up and that they are in no way realistic, but the thoughts are still there. 'This song that was just played on the radio is about my night that time'. Also, I mentioned me being sensitive to drugs: This one time I smoked alot of weed, I listened to a particular music mix, and the songs in the mix were very unorthodox, weird, but many of my all time music favourites. Visuals in my mind started appearing, and i could see the music forming patterns, personalities and even humanoid forms. Yesterday, I saw a picture of this psychedelic fantasy creature, and it looked exactly like one of the creatures that appeared in my mind when i listened to this one particular part of the mix. Heres the funny thing; i cant find the artist name or name of the songs of my top favourites. Ive been looking for them forever, but its impossible. For some reason, I feel like life or something is hiding that information from me on purpose for some reason. And when i saw that picture of that creature, it was almost like the universe had given me one little bit of the huge puzzle of these songs. I must remind you, i know these are just feelings and imagination, i still distinguish between reality and fantasy.

There are alot of other weird experiences I have had, even in sober life after i started using drugs that would also tell you alot, but i only remember a few incidents.

But - point of this thread is: Am i pushing it here, or is it just the drugs? Also, can one be psychotic or schizophrenic and still distuingish between what is real and not, like i do? I would write alot more, but i think this is more than enough before you lose interest in reading if you havent already.

Id like to continue using ecstacy, however im taking the mephodrone down a couple of notches, and will not combine them heavily. One high at at time. But its essential for me to know wether any of you have an explicit warnings for me. I cant really see myself go out and have fun without drugs. But thats a whole different story for another time.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey johnny and welcome to Bluelight what advantage do you see in continuing the meph and all the stims at this level?

As far as contemplating the reality of the world.. I feal are right on.. it is only a chemical physical reaction at heart.. and if we follow that farther, or anything, we end up with nothing.. huge theme of modern lit.. but just because we see the foundation it is based on, this simplicity does not undermine the experience.. after all the basic principle behind splitting an atom is rather simple, even if the process required to is not, but the results are amazing.

http://watchdocumentary.org/watch/what-the-bleep-down-the-rabbit-hole-video_392044c92.html

 

[angeleyes]

Hi Johnny welcome to BL.

Mate, quit all the drugs straight up for the time being, taking 'ecstasy' more than once a week on a regular basis absolutely cripples the brain; more ferociously and quickly than most of the other drugs out there. It is a common rule of thumb to only take 'ecstasy' (I am assuming you have been taking MDMA pills, just call it that) once a month to allow the brain enough time to replenish lost serotonin and repair itself. This isn't the drug you can take every day or once a week like you could with cannabis or methamphetamine. You just cannot do that with this drug.

I'm not as experienced with mephedrone but I have been led to believe this also has the same kind of effect.


I'm not being some crazy wingnut saying "errrhrhrhrh drugs r bad" I'm saying straight up you are playing with fire incredibly dangerously and if you don't stop you are going to get burned badly. I'm not sure how often you've been taking MDMA during this 6 month period but when you say "I use it almost once every week when I party" I must strongly advise you to not take it again no matter how tempting!


If my warning has left you skeptical, head on over to the M&ED part of Bluelight and do your own investigating or start your own thread there, because it truly isn't a safe thing to do. Methamphetamine binges can arguably give you less damage than rapid and excessive MDMA usage.


To summarize, yes you are pushing it, take a break. I'm not trying to condescend you but you really are doing a lot of damage to yourself and I say that with a caring tone.

It is unlikely you are psychotic or schizophrenic, just a dude who loves to party. And yes it is possible to tell the difference in some cases.


Best of luck mate, hope you stick around and take it easy.

 

[Maya]

You have already mentioned that you are sensitive to drugs so yes you are playing with fire. Actually, imo, it is always a gamble to play with drugs even for those who don't have any history of mental issues or sensitivity because drugs can trigger it at some point.

As far as I know, I don't have any family history of mental illness, anxiety or depression but I had experienced a very bad reaction the last time I used mdma (although the product was not tested). It is good that you have thought of the issues you might encounter because when I was at that stage I was arrogant, not thinking of the consequences of my use.

I honestly think that you should stop using, dont wait until you get into that situation where you would need a bunch of meds for mental health etc. Just looking out for you

 

[nuttynutskin]

Sounds like the drugs may be exacerbating some underlying mental health problems honestly. I would lay off for a while.

 

[herbavore]

How are you managing this with med school?
What are your plans when you graduate?

You are not only playing with fire but you are putting a lot of hard work at risk IMO. Is there a part of you that does not want to be a doctor? Because you are certainly putting that in jeopardy. Sometimes people go after a goal they don't really want. Maybe it was the family goal, not yours? At any rate I would ask myself what I want in life and use that as a starting point in decisions that may seem small at the time but have huge consequences.

 

[Johnny Summers]

How are you managing this with med school?
What are your plans when you graduate?

You are not only playing with fire but you are putting a lot of hard work at risk IMO. Is there a part of you that does not want to be a doctor? Because you are certainly putting that in jeopardy. Sometimes people go after a goal they don't really want. Maybe it was the family goal, not yours? At any rate I would ask myself what I want in life and use that as a starting point in decisions that may seem small at the time but have huge consequences.

Move to USA and specialize, or after specialization.

Its not about what I want though. Its what I dont want. Medicine was the best choice I had. I just want to ease my life as much as possible before I get old and die.

I hate going out without using drugs, I always have. People have their reason for using drugs. For me, that reason is that whenever I take drugs life is as I want it to be.

But I really dont want to screw myself by ruining it with drugs. I have decided to cut down, take a break - not sure when though - and when I finish my education Ill decide what to do with my drug abuse during weekends. Better to cry in a mercedes than on a bicycle.

 

[ad lib]

Move to USA and specialize, or after specialization.

Its not about what I want though. Its what I dont want. Medicine was the best choice I had. I just want to ease my life as much as possible before I get old and die.

I hate going out without using drugs, I always have. People have their reason for using drugs. For me, that reason is that whenever I take drugs life is as I want it to be.

But I really dont want to screw myself by ruining it with drugs. I have decided to cut down, take a break - not sure when though - and when I finish my education Ill decide what to do with my drug abuse during weekends. Better to cry in a mercedes than on a bicycle.

Crying in a Mercedes rather than on a bicycle has nothing to do with it. In fact, some of the happiest people that I know ride bicycles as their daily means of transportation and are extremely successful in their professional and personal life. Drugs aren't going to give you, long term, how you want life to be. You have to create that life for yourself- without substances.

Are you in medicine just for the money? Why are you in med school? Do you genuinely want to help others?

You're most likely young, early-mid 20's I assume. This will all catch up with you. Believe me, it will. Sure you may be able to make it through med school partying and using drugs, but after university there's real life. In the real world, you'll have to be fully aware of yourself and surroundings once you're a doctor. Do one thing wrong because you were fighting a drug hangover and a patient can/will sue you. Also, you'll most likely get drug tested...so why jeopardize your future for drugs? If medical school and being in the profession of medicine is what you really want to do, dedicate yourself to it. You can have a really great future if you allow yourself to and that's what you really want, don't let drugs ruin it for you

 

[ExInMil]

I would like to add that for a creature evolved to see the world on a very macro scale, it makes perfect sense that we would not understand the functioning of the universe at a very micro scale. As we evolved there was no evolutionary advantage to understanding the workings of the world around us at the scale of atoms. Hence a lot of physics is unintuitive.

Also, as far as feeling as if you "stumbled on to something that you were suppose to understand" type feelings, I read that weed and LSD (and there for other psychotropics I'm assuming) lead to the triggering of epiphany feelings. So that any connections you make seem as if they are somehow more important than they really are. On acid I tend to figure out the world/universe and tell myself that if I remember a certain thing that I will be able to explain it to everyone! Then as soon as I come down that thing that I told myself to remember makes no sense.

Try not to get caught up in any of this thinking as you may convince yourself that it is as important as you think it is at that moment.