14 months sober, bored

[megaminders]

Hey everyone,
I've always used this site in my active addiction to research drugs. It's funny that my first post would come from the other side. I've been sober for 14 months now. At first it felt so great, I was free. I had control again. But lately I just don't see the point of moving forward. I feel like there's a part of me missing. My friends slowly started fading away as they all still use. Now I find myself going to work, coming home, ordering pizza, and chainsmoking until I go to sleep. Repeat. Everyday is exactly the same..well maybe exchange pizza for a donair. I don't know how to have fun anymore. The past month I've been thinking of getting a half gram. But at the same time I know it's not going to help. I know most of you will advise me to excersise, and find a hobby. But I simply have no motivation. I used to love painting and drawing when I was high it even inspired me. Now when I pick up a pencil no creativity comes. I'm bored and stuck. Anyways I hope this was the right place to post this. Not really looking for much out this but if anyone has been here before any advice or reflections would be helpful. Thank you people of blue light.

 

[Spackeradder]

I know exactly where you're coming from. In the last 5 odd years I've been constantly high on a variety of substances with two 2 month breaks over that time.

The boredom eats away at your soul. After dedicating so much time to scrounging up cash, seeking, scoring, using, then cruising... after that all goes away you realise just how many hours there are to a single day. 24, count 'em. 24 hours to just... exist through. And for those two months like you I was very lonely... I made a couple of non-using acquaintances but there just wasn't that spark of recognition. I spent a lot of time stuffed away in my room reading books and using the net and probably masturbating or something.

I also know what it's like to be unable to write when you're straight. The mysterious free-wheeling creative BANG just doesn't seem to be there. Being creative becomes a chore, a hassle. Work.

But I'm not advocating; as deathly dull as life can seem without drugs, I also know, as you know, what its like to be an addict.
It worse than boredom. It's misery and pain and withdrawal -- and the boredom will still be there.

I'm not gonna pretend I have any answers for you, but is there anywhere you can meet new people? If you write, maybe a writing workshop, or something?

Sorry for your situation.

 

[caseface99]

Hey Megaminders, welcome to Bluelight!

Congrats on getting to 14 months, that's amazing. I'm at a bit over 10 months myself and can totally relate to your feelings of boredom with life. It's sounds like you may be suffering from drug induced dystonia, essentially an inability to experience pleasure. I've found that the best way to recover from this is to just force yourself to do things at first even though you don't have motivation, as doing things you used to find fun or even new enjoyable things could kick start your brain into experiencing pleasure again more quickly then if you just sit around all the time. I know it isn't easy, it took me months to get the motivation to get out and do things. Tonight for example I was invited to a punk rock show after a meeting and I almost didn't go, when the only other thing I would have done is go home and sit around. I forced myself to go, and had a fucking blast! The first 20 minutes I felt really anxious and awkward but I just told myself "This is something you should be enjoying, stop tripping and just let lose!" and once I got into it and joined in with the crowd/moshing and whatnot it was a ton of fun. A few months ago I definitely would have blown it off though, and I think the main reason I've gotten back to the point of being able to go do things is because I forced myself to start working out a couple months back and after the first initial few weeks of shiftiness it finally started to have an effect and I have way more energy and motivation. Here's a bunch of links to things you may/may not find useful:

If you're having trouble think of new things to try, here's a list of hobbies - maybe you'll see something you always wanted to try but hadn't thought of since getting clean.
Here's a thread where we discuss working out/exercising in recovery and keep each other motivated.
Here's a thread for posting "Good things about being off drugs/sober".
In this thread we post about the positive changes we want to make in our lives.

You might not need this but I figured id post the link to some information about managing depressive thinking as well.


Again, welcome to Bluelight and particularly the Recovery Forums. There are a ton of really supportive regular posters in Sober Living and The Dark Side, so feel free to stick around and get to know us.

Good luck and try to stay positive, you have come so far with 14 months clean and I promise you that using won't do anything but make it all worse.

 

[beekr]

Boredom indeed! It's been a lonnnnnnnnnng 3 years since I got sober from booze and ambien I have a serious girlfriend, work is ok, just so slow. I can feel the seconds ticking by. Yep, we get to live the rest of our lives the way nature intended us to. In pain, in suffering, in fear, growing as people and overcoming our fears. Facing challenges hoping for the occasional natural high. Having sex, loving someone, watching our kids grow up, struggling to pay the bills, coping with illnesses, watching loved ones suffer, being let down and betrayed, being loved, being cared for. All very scary. Or we can say fuck it and cheat and just go for the dopamine in unnatural ways, just consume drugs & porn. You could semi-cheat and go for some system like a religion or something. Trouble is we have to ask ourselves: who do we want to be when we're 50 years old? What do we want to have accomplished?

Good luck man.

 

[ExInMil]

I know Im going to sound like a fuckin sales person for Pfizer / A broken record, but have you thought about trying SSRIs/SNRIs?

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Mega, and welcome to Bluelight

. I'm bored and stuck.

Is this accurate.. Im sure the boredom is there. But could it be more that your bored because you are choosing to live a damn boring life?

Sounds to me you already know what you need to do so why not just do it.

If you watch TV all the time I would sell it or throw it away.

I would make at least forty minutes of aerobic exercise four or five times a week.

Exercise and Mood

Take up skydiving.

So what I would do is take an honest look at your life and why it is this way. This may include that you are suffering from a dislike of your current situation. You are not doing much to create a different situation. You are asking yourself what the point is... saying that your using friends are slipping away, but are doing nothing to find a new group of people to hang out with. Saying that you are living the same lame day over and over, but your the one who is choosing to live this day over and over. Saying you dont know how to have fun any more, but you aren't doing anything thats fun. You say you dont see the point of moving forward, but your current situation seems to be the way it is because you aren't moving forward.

I would identify what you want your life to be like. Then I would identify goals you think would help your life become the way you want. Then I would divide the goals into little tasks that are easy to accomplish. Then I would start doing these easy tasks. In a short while of getting these tasks done you will start to see your life begin to transform and in no time at all you will have transformed your life into something amazing.


You can begin to transform your life today.. If nothing changes then nothing changes. I find the hardest part of anything is starting.

Hope any of this helps and congratulations on a great stretch of recovery.

 

[Space Firebird]

I agree w/ NSA about the aerobic exercise - keep it light - walking up/down hills is about right. This will encourage your cells to oxygenate, you need this, and it will make you feel better.

As to boredom, I don't think finding a hobby is the answer. I think hobbies are pursuits that arise naturally from the love of the activity, and if you are not feeling the love, there is no point in pushing the activity.

I do home recording for instance. I had to put it down when I chose to dull my brain with drugs. I fully intend to pick it up again, but not until the urge to do so arises. When my brain comes back in line, I will have the desire to get back into the programming and I'll be off to the races again.

I suggest, and this is difficult for me to parse, that you begin to investigate the source of your boredom.

It is pretty clear (to me at least) that we are all here in existence by some magical functioning of Tao. If you just think about it, even briefly, the facts of existence; you, I, the ability to communicate concepts, gravity, air, time; none of it makes any sense. It's not logical that any of this should (or even could) exist, yet it does.

So that in itself is special. If you are bored, I think there is a certain element of taking this impossible, magical existence somewhat for granted. It is like expecting something magical or interesting to happen, when if fact it already has done so, and in spades.

I get bored too, it is a huge vacuum to fill.

I suggest that you find a spiritual / philosophical pursuit. Something that has at its core the practice of bringing your attention back to the present moment over and over. There exists really only this moment, and to cut through the boredom, I think you need to find a way to connect with Spirit.

Don't get me wrong, when I say Spirit, I am not referring to a higher power, I'm referring to you;, your Spirit. I believe that many of us are on the imaginary journey to reconnect with the Original Oneness. I say imaginary, because for one, we were never separate in the first place, and two, the Original Oneness is a concept, and for this very reason, can neither truly be said either to exist or not exist.

You've freed yourself from a MAJOR source of attachment, I suggest that you think about going the rest of the way and freeing yourself from the ideas of future and past so that your boredom might eventually give way to a sense of Wonder.

Best of luck to you, and congrats on 14 months, that's one hell of an accomplishment!

 

[megaminders]

Wow thanks for the awesome responses guys. Everyone is so welcoming here. Nsa you're right I am living a damn boring life. The worst part is I've just accepted it I guess. Maybe I'm just lazy. But when In the first months of my sobriety I quit smoking was working out and eating really healthy. I don't know whats changed since then. I guess I just have to get off my ass and do something. I like the idea of setting small goals. I'll feel a sense of accomplishment as I complete these goals. As for making new friends my newly developed social anxiety might have something to do with this. Anyways thanks for the advice I'm writing up some goals now it's always good to know I'm not aloneO

 

[Space Firebird]

I wanna change my response, I'm with NSA!

Start spending more time doing some thing(s) you like.

Still, getting your chi moving with light exercise is the first thing I would recommend.

It benefits the boredom problem by getting more blood flowing to the brain, which in itself presages increased mental activity.

I was reading the SMART Manual again today. Different aspects jump out at me as I am coming down and seeing a bit more clearly.
Today's revelation was along the lines of how important it is to first acknowledge that it is entirely up to us whether or not we choose to use.

It's really nobody's business how you choose to spend your time.
It appears that you are here because you would perer to continue to abstain from dope, and I applaud you for your decision and your efforts.

For that reason: Again, congrats on 14 months! I think that getting half a gram would only result in later struggling not to get a second half a gram, and you know of course where it goes from there; not a tenable situation, IMO, unless your idea is to return to regularly using drugs again.

 

[herbavore]

I was thinking about why I don't really get boredom--never have understood it--and I think it must be because I like to do stuff with my hands. I dig in the dirt and plant stuff, I draw and paint, I pick up junk on the street and lug it home to see what I could make out of it. I have a messy house but I'm never bored! I think making things is missing in most modern lives and that is a shame. I would suggest maybe tapping into your creative side (we all have one!) I love what this guy has to say about working with your hands in this article: http://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/shop-class-as-soulcraft which he expanded into this book

Boredom is such a huge trigger--not just for using but for overeating, depression, consumerism and all sorts of other imbalances-- that I think it is essential that you challenge yourself to move past your comfort zone and find things that you can be excited about.

Congrats on all the changes it took to get this far.

 

[neversickanymore]

Here are a couple of good threads you may want to participate in..

Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. I worked all that out

Creating Positive Change vs. If Nothing Changes Then Nothing Changes..

 

[Space Firebird]

Boredom is such a huge trigger--not just for using but for overeating, depression, consumerism and all sorts of other imbalances-- that I think it is essential that you challenge yourself to move past your comfort zone and find things that you can be excited about.

Congrats on all the changes it took to get this far.

I agree, boredom is a big hole begging to be filled up with anything that would help to relieve the anguish.
The seconds tick by in slow motion.
Make yourself busy.
I like Tai Chi.

 

[ExInMil]

Mannnn can I relate,
I taught myself so much before my drug abuse began.
From instruments, to Reason digital audio workstation, drawing and water color, BASIC programming language, became an expert on PCs, was active in politics, philosophy, science, etc.

Now most of that intrinsic motivation seems gone and I only have interest in my old hobbies/interests when I take amphetamines. I use to get urges to learn and create. Now even if I force myself to start the interest quickly subsides and I get down on the fact that that part of me is gone for the mean time. I keep telling myself that it will comeback with prolonged sobriety but the time in between now and then seems infinite.
You need to have hope that it will come back, otherwise what is the point?

It helps to look at the people who use to be addicts but are now highly successful.
Anthony Bordane, the other bald headed TV chef guy, and many others.....