Am I truly an addict??

[johnf0457]

True. The only reason I brought it up was because OP brought up "full recovery." Sadly, you first have to admit you are, or need, something to recover from. (And yes, semantics plays a role in how someone wishes to be identified in terms of their recovery.)

I enjoyed everything you had to say, Vaya

Yes, I brought up full recovery because that it where I will be in no time... Will I still want to get high? yeah sure, I'll miss that like I have the last 3 years since I first experienced it but by no means that ever controlled my life... I lost control this time since for the first time I had access to a lot of them... 2 years ago I got ahold of 50 vics 10/325 ones and on the second day I dumped them in the toilet cause I had taken too much and couldn't pee.. Basically I got scared and realize they were dangerous, that's what I have realized now... So when I say full recovery I mean that and that's were I will be within a week, I am sure of it

 

[legalizeall]

ill just say my 2 cents here as you already have a lot of good things people have said here and very true. i would stop now if you can man. i know its hard to realize this cause you havent been there yet but those things will take you places and have you doing things you never thought you would.

for me, they turned me into a emotionless demon. i was taking norcos and at my worst was up to about 20-35 a day depending on my money. i have done a few drugs in my time but never have i had something change my whole character and make me a totally different person. and the best part of that was i couldnt see it. i knew i was strung out and obviously had a problem but i didnt realize how much they had changed me. i didnt care about anyone. i wanted my pills and its all i thought about everyday all day.

im not gonna give a big list of everything i did but i can say one thing is that it had complete and total control over me. i did the classic addict shit of lying, stealing, cheating etc.

it controlled who i saw and who i didnt see. controlled my money. controlled my sex. controlled my future. every single part of my life, it had control of it and made me such an angry person. i literally envied anyone i saw on the street cause i felt at least they didnt have a ball and chain like i did to deal with everyday. it just felt like my whole day was geared towards feeding the beast inside me. i became so emotionless. i remember towards the end of my using, my girlfriend who i lived with at the time would be crying over whatever bullshit i was pulling and i would be looking at her trying so hard to feel anything for what i was looking at and i couldnt feel a thing. i just couldnt. nothing registered. thank god she is still with me today and if i was to see her crying like that today it would just kill me. but when i was in my shit i didnt feel anything. it was a blank desert.

and the way you describe your using reminded me of me and that scares me for you cause you dont want to go down that road man. its a cold and lonely road with nothing good on it or at the end of it. and this shit took me down so quick. were talking 8 months and i was a complete reck buying 50 at a time and trying to reup again in less than two days. i used to hear about people taking 30 a day and thinking no fucking way would i get there. theres no way. oh i got there and more.

those things will take you down if you let it. i loved them in high school and when i found a connect years later i knew i was in deep shit. ill never forget the feeling i had when i took those first few pills. it was and still is the best feeling i have ever had in my life. i never wanted to feel any different from what i was feeling right then and i chased that. i couldnt figure out how they didnt sell these things at the market cause if everyone took these pills, the world would be so much happier.

so my advice is dont even fuck with them. stay away from them like the plague cause there cunning and devious man and by the time you realize your fucked, youve been fucked for awhile and your pretty much just a passenger on a ride to god knows where. but where ever that is, its not gonna be pretty.

 

[johnf0457]

so my advice is dont even fuck with them. stay away from them like the plague cause there cunning and devious man and by the time you realize your fucked, youve been fucked for awhile and your pretty much just a passenger on a ride to god knows where. but where ever that is, its not gonna be pretty.

Thank you for sharing man and yes i have realized they are very dangerous, I remember when I started taking them 2 months ago I would google all this shit and think, naa there's no way I would ever depend on them but well for 2 months I did... but after now almost a week I can say I don't really crave the high anymore, I just want them when I get hit by this sadness and helplessness but each day it is for less and less time... Today for the first day I feel strong enough to tell me dealer FUCK YOU if he tries to contact me, today I finally realized i HAD to stop... these past 6 days I had been just waiting for him to txt me, now it's a FUCK YOU if he does

 

[kapua]

Vaya is right in that you seem very self-aware. And if you think the first time your "addictive personality" came out 3 years ago when you took too many and flushed the rest, think about now... 3 years later and month and a half later....what have you learned? Have you learned that you cannot use like a "normal" person? Do you think you can still control your use?
Only you can answer these questions. In my experience, when you try to control the use of your DOC, it is only a matter of time before that DOC controls you.
And when you feel bad because you stole from your mother..think about what the worst thing is you could do...because what you actually do may be quite worse. You can never speculate where your disease will take you.
I can't stress enough, seek help, go to a meeting, do anything you can to not use anymore.

Legalize all said all true things
Get help before it gets even harder.

 

[legalizeall]

thats good man. good attitude. maybe write that down or something like that so you can refer to it when you get cravings. cravings can be overwhelming. nothing good can come from those pills. the tolerance goes up and it just gets worse from there. i remember popping 10 at a time and not feeling a thing. you dont hear about successful people in life that take 30 pain killers a day. i wish you well man and i hope you remain strong.

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

I dumped them in the toilet cause I had taken too much and couldn't pee..

sorry to laugh but hahaha, i had the same problem when on oxycodone. i fucking hated, i would stand there for like 10 minutes trying to take a piss. i got a shy bladder too and i would always get it in my head that someone was standing outside the door or listening to me. i know nobody would stand outside the door and listen to me trying to take a piss lmao but thats what i thought regardless if it was true or not...most of the time i would end up leaving the bathroom and just go outside and piss off my back porch where i knew i could go in private even though a bathroom is more private than outside haha...my mind is all fucked up

anyways, take legals advice. you start out on hydros, then go to oxys or opana or ones like that that are stronger than hydro, then you'll move to heroin and then to god knows what. i never moved away from opiates. ive done oxycodone, oxycontin, opana, hydro, vicodin, percocet, heroin. ive also done a couple bumps of coke. those couple bumps of coke i got(for free) made me really like it. i never actually bought any coke but i liked it. if i had my own money when using and didnt have to share than i probably would've been addicted to coke too...me and my fiance shared everything, split it right down the middle, most of the time. i know she was going behind my back and doing more some times. pisses me the fuck off. the very last time we used, it was heroin and she split it right in front of me, she hardly gave me anything and it didnt get me that high. she tried to deny that she took more but i was standing right there when she split it. it was a shitty way to end my addiction, i wouldve liked to end it high as hell but thats in the past...the first time i tried to quit, i knew i was going to be checked into the hospital the next morning so we went out on like 120mg of oxycodone a piece, for us that was alot

 

[johnf0457]

sorry to laugh but hahaha, i had the same problem when on oxycodone. i fucking hated, i would stand there for like 10 minutes trying to take a piss. i got a shy bladder too and i would always get it in my head that someone was standing outside the door or listening to me. i know nobody would stand outside the door and listen to me trying to take a piss lmao but thats what i thought regardless if it was true or not...most of the time i would end up leaving the bathroom and just go outside and piss off my back porch where i knew i could go in private even though a bathroom is more private than outside haha...my mind is all fucked up

anyways, take legals advice. you start out on hydros, then go to oxys or opana or ones like that that are stronger than hydro, then you'll move to heroin and then to god knows what. i never moved away from opiates. ive done oxycodone, oxycontin, opana, hydro, vicodin, percocet, heroin. ive also done a couple bumps of coke. those couple bumps of coke i got(for free) made me really like it. i never actually bought any coke but i liked it. if i had my own money when using and didnt have to share than i probably would've been addicted to coke too...me and my fiance shared everything, split it right down the middle, most of the time. i know she was going behind my back and doing more some times. pisses me the fuck off. the very last time we used, it was heroin and she split it right in front of me, she hardly gave me anything and it didnt get me that high. she tried to deny that she took more but i was standing right there when she split it. it was a shitty way to end my addiction, i wouldve liked to end it high as hell but thats in the past...the first time i tried to quit, i knew i was going to be checked into the hospital the next morning so we went out on like 120mg of oxycodone a piece, for us that was alot

2 weeks ago I got the chance to get some coke and while i was on hydro i said yes, but when i was off and could think clearly i told him no... I don't want to try anything else ever again cause I'm afraid I'll like it... I'm lucky I hate alcohol and can't ever get addicted to it
And yeah when I take hydro I always sit down to pee otherwise I just can't

I honesty fucking want those pills right now, I woke up feeling all sad... I feel like even the smallest of problems is amplified a million times right now and it makes me feel like shit... Just now after 2 hours I'm feeling a lot better... I was going to drag myself to class but idk if i will, I'm too depressed to go to class, it's a 40 min drive just to sit there and not pay attention, only to get attendance points which i have none and that scares me... So i should go

thats good man. good attitude. maybe write that down or something like that so you can refer to it when you get cravings. cravings can be overwhelming. nothing good can come from those pills. the tolerance goes up and it just gets worse from there. i remember popping 10 at a time and not feeling a thing. you dont hear about successful people in life that take 30 pain killers a day. i wish you well man and i hope you remain strong.

Yeah I'm honestly already tired of this shit... yesterday I was thinking I was completely fine and I ended up sleeping like shit and now feel all fucking depressed again... I HATE this shit.. And that's a good idea, if my dealer does contact me, I should come here and read all this stuff see if it makes me remember how horrible this was for me