Am I truly an addict??

[johnf0457]

So I posted a thread on saturday asking if it was normal to be depressed after quitting hydrocodone... I am 23 years old and had been taking it for a month and a half almost every day taking 30mg sometimes 60mg when i took 2 doses, i did this until i ran out 6 days ago... Now they say the first step is admitting you have a problem.. and i really don't know if i do... When I started this, when I bought my first 40 pills my plan was to only take them on days that I didn't work and didn't have school which is maybe twice a week... I failed miserably, at first i would wait till 7pm or so to take it but soon enough I was taking it at work and sometimes before work, i never took it at school cause i skipped everything, my senior year in college... So clearly these drugs have affected my life somewhat, my grades...
I also ended up txting this girl I'm in love with twice high a lot of shit that even though we are still in good terms sort of pushed her away from me, and I am very sad about that and hate those pills because of that... I feel like I may have ruined everything with her but only time will tell
But am i truly addicted??? I don't know if I'm there yet...

I had had them in the past too.. last summer i got some and took them all in 6 days straight, got a cold after and got depressed but didn't realize it was withdrawal until the same thing happened now... year and a half ago i got 20 tramadols which did get me high not as much as hydrocodone but they lasted for much longer and took them every day till i ran out... I've stolen every single pill from my parents medicine cabinet, friends cabinet and tried to fill out my brother surgery prescription and got caught in the process, all this was over 2 years ago.. I first tried them 3 years ago... sooo??? Do you guys think i am really addicted?

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

For me it's hard to say. Your use has been so spread out and you didn't use really that long. Do you need the pills or do you just want them? What are you willing to do to get your next fix? How badly has using changed your life?

Obviously I'm an addict but my answered to those questions would be: I needed and wanted the pills, I was willing to do lots of things to get my next fix(not sexually like homo shit, I don't swing that way haha) I stole thousands of dollars from my parents and brothers. I've pawned anything of value that I had or took stuff that wasn't mine to pawn. Using has fucked my life up, daughter has been taken away, nobody trusts me with shit.

But honestly it's hard for me at least to say whether or not your an addict. I guess if you experienced withdrawals from the hydros than technically you could be considered an "addict" since you need them to not withdraw.

 

[Zerrr]

In regards to physical dependency, you're only dipping your toes into the cesspit.

 

[johnf0457]

For me it's hard to say. Your use has been so spread out and you didn't use really that long. Do you need the pills or do you just want them? What are you willing to do to get your next fix? How badly has using changed your life?

I just want them, I don't need them.. Right now I've been thinking about them a lot but only because I had used them for so long, to me that's a very long time.. The worst I've done to get them was stealing from my mom after surgery but I waited a month to make sure she didn't need them an then I stole every one of them... I am not willing to steal money from anyone or get them from people idk cause I'm too scared of something bad happening... It's only changed 2 months of my life, nothing else has happened, the people who know i used them and obviously don't approve just see it like getting drunk from time to time, which is what i tell them, that it is just something for fun i do when i can... So I guess i should really stop before this changes, because I have a very obsessive personality, like extremely so I know I should be careful.

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

I just want them, I don't need them.. Right now I've been thinking about them a lot but only because I had used them for so long, to me that's a very long time.. The worst I've done to get them was stealing from my mom after surgery but I waited a month to make sure she didn't need them an then I stole every one of them... I am not willing to steal money from anyone or get them from people idk cause I'm too scared of something bad happening... It's only changed 2 months of my life, nothing else has happened, the people who know i used them and obviously don't approve just see it like getting drunk from time to time, which is what i tell them, that it is just something for fun i do when i can... So I guess i should really stop before this changes, because I have a very obsessive personality, like extremely so I know I should be careful.

Yes plz quit. It's not a matter IF it will get worse, it's a matter of it WILL get worse. I never though I'd do the things I did. That's not the person I was. I was a great kid, I never got in trouble or anything. Them I started the pills and everything went down hill and i couldn't stop it. The pills grab you and you have to beat the shit out of them to let go, metaphorically speaking. Your not deep in it and like Zerrr said "you've only dipped your toes in the cesspit" you still got a very good chance to drop em and never look back

 

[Corazon]

So I posted a thread on saturday asking if it was normal to be depressed after quitting hydrocodone... I am 23 years old and had been taking it for a month and a half almost every day taking 30mg sometimes 60mg when i took 2 doses, i did this until i ran out 6 days ago... Now they say the first step is admitting you have a problem.. and i really don't know if i do... When I started this, when I bought my first 40 pills my plan was to only take them on days that I didn't work and didn't have school which is maybe twice a week... I failed miserably, at first i would wait till 7pm or so to take it but soon enough I was taking it at work and sometimes before work, i never took it at school cause i skipped everything, my senior year in college... So clearly these drugs have affected my life somewhat, my grades...
I also ended up txting this girl I'm in love with twice high a lot of shit that even though we are still in good terms sort of pushed her away from me, and I am very sad about that and hate those pills because of that... I feel like I may have ruined everything with her but only time will tell
But am i truly addicted??? I don't know if I'm there yet...

I had had them in the past too.. last summer i got some and took them all in 6 days straight, got a cold after and got depressed but didn't realize it was withdrawal until the same thing happened now... year and a half ago i got 20 tramadols which did get me high not as much as hydrocodone but they lasted for much longer and took them every day till i ran out... I've stolen every single pill from my parents medicine cabinet, friends cabinet and tried to fill out my brother surgery prescription and got caught in the process, all this was over 2 years ago.. I first tried them 3 years ago... sooo??? Do you guys think i am really addicted?

I don't know if you have to label yourself an addict or not (whatever is more positive for you), but obviously you are like most people in that you can not handle the pain pills. Stay away from them.

 

[johnf0457]

Yes plz quit. It's not a matter IF it will get worse, it's a matter of it WILL get worse. I never though I'd do the things I did. That's not the person I was. I was a great kid, I never got in trouble or anything. Them I started the pills and everything went down hill and i couldn't stop it. The pills grab you and you have to beat the shit out of them to let go, metaphorically speaking. Your not deep in it and like Zerrr said "you've only dipped your toes in the cesspit" you still got a very good chance to drop em and never look back

I am on my 6th day off them and physically I feel 100% but I've been very sad for like 2 hours now... I think I am sadder than the past few days cause I have finally told myself no more.. If my dealer were to text me now saying he has some I think I would say no, so basically today I accepted I HAVE to stop before this gets worse, if the sadness and complete hopelessness I feel now is already too much to bare I can't even imagine how bad it could get... I feel like shit though, I'm almost crying just typing this... I actually did cry on Saturday and I felt better after, maybe I should... I was busy all day sunday, monday and tuesday so today is the first day with a lot of time on my hands... I've already been awake 8 hours today and it's only 4pm so I need to pass the time somehow cause I feel too sad

I don't know if you have to label yourself an addict or not (whatever is more positive for you), but obviously you are like most people in that you can not handle the pain pills. Stay away from them.

I go back and forth in what I like best, thinking that i really am addicted makes me disgusted at myself but also makes me feel sadder, makes me feel like i actually need those pills so i stop feeling so sad, I am on my 6th day off and i am very very sad right now.... However, thinking i am not really addicted makes me feel better cause i can tell myself, you don't need them, you were just messing around and having fun and just need to go back to reality

 

[kapua]

Oxy_Ghost is right.from It's only a matter of time WHEN things get worse and you'll do anything to get your DOC.
You're 6 days away from using and I'd love to be 6 days away from using.
I agree it is a drag when you finally admit you're an addict, but at the same time it helps because you realize you have an actual problem that needs to be taken care of, if that makes any sense. Maybe check out the Sober Living boards here.

 

[johnf0457]

Oxy_Ghost is right.from It's only a matter of time WHEN things get worse and you'll do anything to get your DOC.
You're 6 days away from using and I'd love to be 6 days away from using.
I agree it is a drag when you finally admit you're an addict, but at the same time it helps because you realize you have an actual problem that needs to be taken care of, if that makes any sense. Maybe check out the Sober Living boards here.

Yes and I am very mad at myself for having been so fucking stupid... I'm lucky I don't have access to them cause otherwise I know I would have already used.. Basically I've been force to be clean for 6 days and every day I've been hoping my dealer got some... I am so fucking mad at myself for getting to this point... It's like right now I don't even want to take them for the high, but just to make the sadness go away, and that means I'm fucking addicted.. I hate myself

 

[cj]

That self hate shit is real bad. You sound like you have a problem with depression. Your best bet to make sure it doesn't get worse is to find the root cause of your unhappiness and fix it. Otherwise you will probably get addicted for real next time. Every time you go on a binge you are a step closer to getting really bad hooked to where you won't give a shit about anyone or anything but getting yourself outta withdrawal

 

[johnf0457]

That self hate shit is real bad. You sound like you have a problem with depression. Your best bet to make sure it doesn't get worse is to find the root cause of your unhappiness and fix it. Otherwise you will probably get addicted for real next time. Every time you go on a binge you are a step closer to getting really bad hooked to where you won't give a shit about anyone or anything but getting yourself outta withdrawal

Well I remember how i was 2 months ago and while i am not 100% content with my life i was not depressed, id get sad sometimes but not like this, ever... I think it is perfectly normal to hate yourself when you do something stupid like this

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

Well I remember how i was 2 months ago and while i am not 100% content with my life i was not depressed, id get sad sometimes but not like this, ever... I think it is perfectly normal to hate yourself when you do something stupid like this

Yes it's normal to hate yourself for it, I hate myself for it too but you can't beat yourself up over it for the rest of your life. Eventually you'll get over it. And if you gotta cry, than let it out, nobody is gonna think any less of you. I've cried almost everyday since I quit although it's not for the same reason as you, some times it is some times it's not. But I always feel better after my crying episodes

 

[johnf0457]

Yes it's normal to hate yourself for it, I hate myself for it too but you can't beat yourself up over it for the rest of your life. Eventually you'll get over it. And if you gotta cry, than let it out, nobody is gonna think any less of you. I've cried almost everyday since I quit although it's not for the same reason as you, some times it is some times it's not. But I always feel better after my crying episodes

I'm glad ur still clean man then, if you say it is not entirely for the same reason as me... I know i would have used if i could... here i am trying to delete me dealers number or block it and i cant get myself to do it...

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with crying, and when i did cry Saturday for like maybe 15 min actually i did feel a lot better after.. I felt pathetic though

Tomorrow I get to work with this girl and that makes me feel so much better, when I'm with her I don't miss those pills at all... She is the only thing that I find exciting at the moment, only thing I would be excited to DO lol...

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

I'm glad ur still clean man then, if you say it is not entirely for the same reason as me... I know i would have used if i could... here i am trying to delete me dealers number or block it and i cant get myself to do it...

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with crying, and when i did cry Saturday for like maybe 15 min actually i did feel a lot better after.. I felt pathetic though

Tomorrow I get to work with this girl and that makes me feel so much better, when I'm with her I don't miss those pills at all... She is the only thing that I find exciting at the moment, only thing I would be excited to DO lol...

I don't know if I would or would've used if I could've. I don't have a job and have no money so i wouldn't be able to get anything. Even if I did have money, I don't have a car to go anywhere and I could borrow one cuz nobody would let me. So even if I wanted to use I couldn't. My first night detoxing, my dad let me take his car to "get something to eat". I had 10 bucks and enough lorazepam to make another 10 dollars. I tried both of my dudes to get them to give me a small bag of H or half a oxycodone but they wouldn't do it, thankfully.

I haven't deleted any of my dealers numbers. I can't bring myself to do it. I have them saved on a notepad app on my phone so even if I did delete them, they're still in my phone. I'm sure I'll end up writing them down too:/ maybe one day I'll be able to delete them permanently.

But yeah it's good to let your emotions go and not hold them back or bottle them, that'll jus cause more problems.

 

[Vaya]

I just want them, I don't need them..

Unfortunately this is usually how the process of addiction begins. To many people, the term addiction is a static reference to the development of tolerance and withdrawal, or physical dependence, to a particular substance. At the core of most addiction, many addicts will attest, is the phenomenon of "craving," when one experiences an overwhelming desire for the drug despite the negative impact experienced in the past by the individual due to its use.

Physical dependence comes later in the addiction process - at least, in my own and many of my acquaintances' experiences - and is merely an indicator that one has routinely succumbed to the craving and has been using a dependence-developing drug with enough regularity such that it quells the craving and accustoms the body to the drug's presence. The gold standards for use in an example of this phenomenon are benzodiazepines, opiates and alcohol.

If the craving has gotten to the point where you have gone so far as to do this...

The worst I've done to get them was stealing from my mom after surgery but I waited a month to make sure she didn't need them an then I stole every one of them...

...then your likelihood of being a "budding addict" is, I would say, quite strong. Although many have done much worse in the name of pursuing a feeling (myself included), stealing pain medication is one of the most fundamental and common ways those predisposed to developing a full-blown substance abuse problem enter into that realm of despair. The cesspool, as it were, mentioned above.

Your posts show a clear level of self-awareness, and an honest desire to increase that self-awareness in the name of your mental and physical health (and even social health, while we're at it re: the girl you're attracted to and what went on with that + hydrocodone). I really think you ought to give yourself substantial credit for that. Take it from me, one of the last things someone in the throes of addiction ever wants to do is take honest stock of themselves. It truly does become that bad.

Recognizing the warning signs, being truthful to yourself about your patterns both past and present, and fostering a constant state of open-mindedness to remediating the situation before it becomes more of a problematic situation are all wonderful and proven methods of addressing concerns related to your body and mind's relationship with hydrocodone and how to handle yourself both now and, god forbid, if things were to get worse for you. Think of these methods as suggestions for a personal toolbox to have handy when the going gets rough.

Opiates/opioids are seductive, so seductive. Tread lightly, and continue to make use of both TDS and the Sober Living forums.

Welcome to Bluelight, johnf!
All the best,
~ Vaya

 

[johnf0457]

...then your likelihood of being a "budding addict" is, I would say, quite strong. Although many have done much worse in the name of pursuing a feeling (myself included), stealing pain medication is one of the most fundamental and common ways those predisposed to developing a full-blown substance abuse problem enter into that realm of despair. The cesspool, as it were, mentioned above.

Your posts show a clear level of self-awareness, and an honest desire to increase that self-awareness in the name of your mental and physical health (and even social health, while we're at it re: the girl you're attracted to and what went on with that + hydrocodone). I really think you ought to give yourself substantial credit for that. Take it from me, one of the last things someone in the throes of addiction ever wants to do is take honest stock of themselves. It truly does become that bad.

Recognizing the warning signs, being truthful to yourself about your patterns both past and present, and fostering a constant state of open-mindedness to remediating the situation before it becomes more of a problematic situation are all wonderful and proven methods of addressing concerns related to your body and mind's relationship with hydrocodone and how to handle yourself both now and, god forbid, if things were to get worse for you. Think of these methods as suggestions for a personal toolbox to have handy when the going gets rough.

Hi, thank you for replying, I know that what i am going through to most people on here probably seems like nothing but to me it has been very hard...
As for my stealing of pills from my family, I know it sounds absolutely horrible but I really did wait about a month to make sure she was not in pain at all and then took them, so that shows a lot of self control... Also the last 20 pills i had that i ran out of 6 days ago were given to me by this girl i say im in love with, she is extremely naive and thinks they are not dangerous even though i told her they are.... She stole them from her mother who had had surgery and she kept on offering them to me because she knew they made me happy but i refused while i was on my second day of withdrawal because i didn't want her to get caught, I think that also shows a lot of self control from my part and proves i don't "need" them, although that was only cause i really care about her, but i think still proves i don't "need" them.

For 2 days now I feel 100% physically, and mentally I go back and forth, have good moments and bad moments.. I finally hung out with my friend yesterday after like 2 months and i was able to have a good time... And just now after a week i was finally able to have a good dinner with my family and talk and laugh instead of just sitting there quietly and looking sad... My mom yesterday even asked me what was wrong with me, she had been asking me for a while (the days i was off it), she said that some days she noticed me very euphoric and others very depressed, i guess she really does know me.. I almost told her about my problem, I love my mom and I know she would really help me but I don't want to worry her

I don't know if I would or would've used if I could've. I don't have a job and have no money so i wouldn't be able to get anything. Even if I did have money, I don't have a car to go anywhere and I could borrow one cuz nobody would let me. So even if I wanted to use I couldn't. My first night detoxing, my dad let me take his car to "get something to eat". I had 10 bucks and enough lorazepam to make another 10 dollars. I tried both of my dudes to get them to give me a small bag of H or half a oxycodone but they wouldn't do it, thankfully.

I haven't deleted any of my dealers numbers. I can't bring myself to do it. I have them saved on a notepad app on my phone so even if I did delete them, they're still in my phone. I'm sure I'll end up writing them down too:/ maybe one day I'll be able to delete them permanently.

But yeah it's good to let your emotions go and not hold them back or bottle them, that'll jus cause more problems.

Ok I see, I guess not really having access to them is the best way so we can't indulge... I have to say that now I really feel almost 100% normal, physically I already have for 2 days but mentally right now I feel great... I was feeling like shit earlier but a lot better now, yesterday was the same... I am about to go for another run today to keep on feeling good...

I wonder if this is normal though when you're close to full recovery, I feel like i am almost there or at least i do now, i mean if it is normal to go from feeling great and normal now when 4 hours ago i was ready to jump off a cliff, at least it only lasted a few hours.... Hopefully the time I feel bad will decrease over time and disappear... So stupid, as I'm finishing typing all this I can feel a bit of the sadness already coming back, oh well, running should help

 

[kapua]

Some will argue that "full" recovery is possible. I know that I'm an alcoholic and that there isn't enough alcohol on the planet for me. I can't ever drink again. So now I'm abusing opiates. I have myself on a maintenance dose of my DOC because I am afraid to w/d.
If you have insurance, either through your job or with your parents, I'd suggest finding someone to talk to. There is a way to deal with life without the need to self-medicate. You can find your joy. You can have peace. You can be happy. All without drugs.
The longer you wait, the slippier the slope you are already on becomes.
There are a couple things you can do here: you can act AS IF you are an addict and get the help you need. Or, you can act AS IF you are happy and eventually you will be.

 

[Vaya]

Some will argue that "full" recovery is possible.

Some will argue that, indeed; likewise, others will argue against it.

In my mind, to argue either side is an exercise in semantics. The addict in recovery, or the recovered addict, must remain vigilant about his or her predispositions and reconstructed lifestyle in order to avoid a relapse no matter what label appears to best fit the person.

 

[johnf0457]

Some will argue that "full" recovery is possible. I know that I'm an alcoholic and that there isn't enough alcohol on the planet for me. I can't ever drink again. So now I'm abusing opiates. I have myself on a maintenance dose of my DOC because I am afraid to w/d.
If you have insurance, either through your job or with your parents, I'd suggest finding someone to talk to. There is a way to deal with life without the need to self-medicate. You can find your joy. You can have peace. You can be happy. All without drugs.
The longer you wait, the slippier the slope you are already on becomes.
There are a couple things you can do here: you can act AS IF you are an addict and get the help you need. Or, you can act AS IF you are happy and eventually you will be.

I only used a month and half and though I loved it, I refuse to believe I can't go back to my old self... I feel close and I know I'll go back.. During the summer when I took them 6 days in a row i remember feeling depressed after too and it went away.. this time it's worse cause I used a lot more but I am 100% sure I'll go back in no time

 

[kapua]

Some will argue that, indeed; likewise, others will argue against it.

True. The only reason I brought it up was because OP brought up "full recovery." Sadly, you first have to admit you are, or need, something to recover from. (And yes, semantics plays a role in how someone wishes to be identified in terms of their recovery.)

I enjoyed everything you had to say, Vaya