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feels like dying

T

thedawn

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 12, 2013
Messages
528
i don't know if this is dark side or even BL material,but it;s here I'm used to posting
so here goes.

i lost on every count re custody of my young kid.
it was a hearing and i wasn't prepared for the reality of the situation.
newly sober etc.

my ex came with a lawyer,i didn't.
you need a lawyer in cases like mine.and a good one too.
the way this man was able to twist the truth and circumstances etc. in her favor
was nothing short of stunning,would have been comedy if it wasn't so fucking real.

lawyers are very expensive,but IMO these things can't be put into money terms
so it's worth it no matter the cost.use your savings.
it's more important to have a relationship and help raise your kid than owning a million
dollars IMO.

what has actually happened,if you have only done the right things for 5 years…
it didn't matter when i have drug abuse,mental ward,jail etc.
they can document.
her lawyer painted an unrealistic picture of me as a "mental time bomb"among other things.
it seemed pointless to get into an argument at the time.again,you need a good,expensive lawyer.

my ex must really hate me or have an agenda to pull something like this.
she knows i am fragile and unable to defend myself.
im also next to broke.

i did get an offer of a few hours supervised by local authorities.
i declined since i feel only my ex and myself should raise our kid without stuff going
on government record and without interference from a particular group in society
that i despise cuz they have let me down so many times.

i am fighting suicidal thoughts hard as i write this.
i know me killing myself will gain none.
at the same time,i have to live this hour and the next and it's painful just to exist
beyond words.

relapsing on opiates is not an option either since in the long(or actually even short)run
it will magnify the pain and hurt and get me in even more trouble.
it's tempting to shoot up some tar and go to sleep,but it won't happen.luckily I'm
not new to the game.

i felt like i had ONE good thing going for me re my kid.
i love him to the extreme.
i thought i was an ok parent.

this is now taken away and I'm left here on earth crushed beyond words.

i made two threads some weeks ago about AA and ketamine.
these are no longer relevant to me and feel free to delete them if they don't help
someone else.i won't be posting anymore in them.

i just picked up some benadryl from walgreens and gonna take 5 and go to bed.

again,it has no importance to me if what i just wrote isn't BL material or wrong section etc.
feel free to ignore or delete or what you want.
i have no resentments towards BL,this is a great site.good people.

i hope nobody has to go through anything like this but if you do,
be smarter than i was.
be prepared,have the best lawyer u can afford,play their game.
because in the end that what this really is.
a game where as an ex-addict with depression i don't stand a chance against a woman w money
and a clearer head.

i lost big time.
if you have a kid,you'll know the pain of being denied to see him/her.

good music helps me personally like Robert Johnson.
thats where i will seek comfort.
can't write anymore right now.
peace to all.
 
Hey, hang in there bro. I have kids and i love them to death also. I dont know what i would do without them, they are my life. My only thing i look forward to in life when they come to my house on the weekend.
They live with their grandmother (my ex's mom) my ex is in jail, she was a crack head and prostitute (she became that AFTER we broke up).
I have actually tried killing myself several times in my life and never succeeded. I have slit both wrists and throat all at once and woke up in a hospital, i have swallowed a whole bottle of zyprexa and woke up 24hrs later.. many stupid things.
BUT you need to remember, life is hard so that when the good things happen they feel great.
It is selfish to end your own life so please get that out of your head, would you rather have your kid growing up saying that you killed yourself, or growing up and saying my mom wouldn't let me see him and it's her fault they don't know you.
Think about the long run.
Im an ex addict to many things and also have mental disorders and have been to jail a few times.

LIFE GETS BETTER. I PROMISE YOU.

Good luck to you.
I would write a letter to the child custody service or the court that is making the ruling and explain everything about how you are and how you feel and that it is stressful to explain that in a court room because of the past situations of having to go, just say you get so nervous in there that you can't think straight and that is part of your problem.
Im just trying to give a little spark of light in your life. You're in a dark place right now.
I would say write down everything about how you're feeling right now and what you'd like out of the situation (before you take the benedryl) and then go to sleep and when you wake up read it, and form it into a sincere letter to whom it may concern.
Things can turn around, the pen is mightier than the sword.

I hope things get better sooner than later for you, but it will get better sometime. Just keep that in mind and look forward to it.

:)
 
Real tough situation.

But remember one thing - as painful and difficult as it is right now, every child grows up and makes up their own mind who they want a relationship with. The day will come far faster than seems possible right now, when your child will be choosing for themselves what they want.

Every kid needs their father and that won't change. Please try and hang in there and see a connection to a future in which fear and pain don't rule you, but peace of mind and a fulfilling relationship with your child.

Keep the faith.
 
That's gotta hurt like hell, how old is the child? I wouldn't give up on visitation altogether. I agree that you need a lawyer but it doesn't have to be an expensive one. A legal aid lawyer can help you so you can at least see your kid. What happened to you in court is sad, and it is binding but these things can be amended. I know you don't feel strong enough right now but you can't give up hope.
 
They can't actually deny you visitation rights with your child (if biological) based on your mental health without allowing a 3rd party to conduct an unbiased assessment. There are exceptions obviously, but as long as you don't have a police record of, say, instability and abuse, you should be able to challenge the decision without much worry. As T. Cal said, a legal aid lawyer can be a big help, the cost of a lawyer doesn't always indicate how good they're going to be
 
thank you so much for these meaningful replies.

i don't know anything about the court system.i need to learn.
the child is 9 years old.

after a little sleep i feel slightly better but still fighting these negative thoughts.
yeah,I'm in a bad place right now and is probably not thinking straight.

i did call a friend in the European country I'm from,i live currently in the US.
he's a lawyer and confirmed my suspicion that I'm fucked if i don't want to make
compromises or lie or whatever.compromises meaning telling my ex about things she does
not need to know about and can use against me.

in my state,California,mother rules he said.
CA has very strict laws about this and by fighting it further i could end up
with nothing.

not that i have anything,but i guess they could find some way to hurt me further.
 
WantToBeReborn said:
Real tough situation.

But remember one thing - as painful and difficult as it is right now, every child grows up and makes up their own mind who they want a relationship with. The day will come far faster than seems possible right now, when your child will be choosing for themselves what they want.

Every kid needs their father and that won't change. Please try and hang in there and see a connection to a future in which fear and pain don't rule you, but peace of mind and a fulfilling relationship with your child.

Keep the faith.
Click to expand...

thedawn, what WantToBeReborn wrote is really important to remember. A child that grows up with no father will seek out that father at some point. If your ex is going to play dirty and paint you in a bad light to your child there is only one defense: don't get so discouraged that you turn into the false portrait she is painting. Keep fighting for yourself and your son (they are after all the same fight). In the meantime,write to your son, paint him silly pictures and send them. Tell him about your week and ask about his. Tell him, on the phone and in letters how much he means to you. Parents and children are sometimes separated for many reasons--separation does not have to mean no relationship at all.
 
my kids b day is coming up in a few days.
i have ordered a present,xbox360,from amazon.
i had to hustle to get the money.it was about 200 dollars.

i still have the key to my ex house and can drop the present off in the morning
with a letter.

herbavore,do u think it's about time to tell my 9 years old about daddy being an ex-addict?
just your personal opinion.

edit:it's early morning now in CA and next time i will be online will be around 6 CA time.
 
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I don't have any knowledge to help you, I just wanted to say how very sorry I am. Hang in there!
 
thank you,2Bclean.
in my state of mind it's like "nobody loves me","I'm lost forever"etc.
real fucking pity party going on.
so every encouraging and knowing I'm not alone actually helps.
 
thedawn said:
herbavore,do u think it's about time to tell my 9 years old about daddy being an ex-addict?
just your personal opinion.
Click to expand...

That question wasn't aimed to me but ill throw in my .02
My son just turned 10 last month and he knows about my past drug problems and the troubles me and his mother had (my daughter is too young to understand the stuff me and him talk about)
If you choose to let him know it's important not to pour everything out at once and overload him with that stuff, tell a little bit of your past everytime you see him until you are close enough to be able to say youve done bad things and you want him to learn from your mistakes and to trust you on what you say because you dont want him to learn the hard way (like you have). Remember only talk about that stuff if you already have built a good way of you guys talking and trusting eachother.
Your choice on if you do it or not, it could go good or bad. It's a 50/50 thing. The better he thinks of you before you tell him, the better he will take the news and trust you more, it could be 75/25 good/bad. Or possibly the opposite depending on what he thinks of you.
Hope i helped at least a little bit.
But just do one thing, be there as much as you can for him.
I grew up with no father and my goal is to be the best one i can be just to prove im not like him.
Good luck man.
 
<3<3<3

Im not questioning your judgment but I would see if you can go back and take the supervised visitation with your child. These decisions can be revisited after a period of time, I think every two years or something, so you can go back to court and have the custody descion amended. I think it would be in your favor to plug through the hoops and degradation of these unjust supervised visitations to both see your child and so that there is evidence of your continued involvement in your child. I know its awful but I would would consider doing this if I were you.

If they brought up drug use in the case then I would also submit to random drug screening for the next two years.. there are places where you can sign up for this. That way if you have this case revisited you will have this as proof of your sobriety. I would also seriously consider completing a rehab program as this will also provide proof that you have tackled your substance problems to the courts.

I would also go see a custody lawyer at this point to see what if anything can be done at this point and to see what advice they have for you to do in the time before this can be revisited in order to get the best results at that time.

I dont know how old your child is but skyping with a child that you cant see is really allot more powerful than I ever would have guessed.. I had to fight tooth and nail for this same situation not to happen to me and my son.. I still totally got shafted, but it has worked itself out to a large degree on its own accord.

But yeah i had to go through so much shit.. two independent custody determining investigations where the first said I should have no contact.. the second one was almost as bad and said i should have supervised contact and said I "had been taught" how to beat the 600 question test they use to test people for top secret clearance.. even though I went right from her office and took it.. but that actually worked out in my favor.. as when I and a really weird lawyer walked into court, the other side approached and offered a deal.. the deal was awful and I said no thanks.. the other lawyer said that if we went to trial I would get much worse as she had everything in their favor.. since i was fighting this tooth and nail I had written two of the three arguments or dissertations that our side was required to submit through out this process.. yeah i dont know what I payed my lawyer for either.. so I had seen the whole case and had access to everything from both sides.. the report of the second "most respected" independent custody was so scued that I had written 17 pages of questions and she was going to get destroyed.. when my lawyer had read them in the meeting before his wording was something like, this is great, she is all done.. and she would have been.. but I just winked at the other lawyer and said when everything seems to be in your favor you must realize you have a long way to fall. They came back in a few minutes with a much better offer. Not a fair one but a much better one. my lawyer said it was the only time he has ever seen a person go from getting so fucked to pulling off a reasonable settlement.

I just mention this to kidna let you know I have been in a similar situation.. I remember when they offered me the supervised visitation.. I remember my reaction was like fuck that so unfair that I dont even want to have any visitation if they make us do that. But I would revisit this as I think you will want that time and it could lead to a much better situation in the future.

After a while all this callmed way down with me and her..

Dont take it to personal.. these courts are outa of their fucking minds on this shit.. I dont know how i go from being the primary care taker to so shady that they recommended supervised visits.. fuck them they are out of their minds. SO yeah dont take this personal thedawn;)

So anyway I know have custody of my son all summer, talk with him all the time, get him anytime I ask, every other holiday, weekends.. we dont live close enough for a fifty fifty but If I can manage that sometime then im sure there wouldnt be to much of a problem with something like that.

I think that people find out really think about how much work doing the whole show all on their own is.. really rewarding but really damn exhausting.. so i guess I would not give up, loose hope, keep fighting she just snaked in a scummy and took the first round.. many more rounds in this fight thedawn.. I think you will likely find her and the courts much more willing to play ball if this is revisited.
 
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See, thedawn. you're not alone at all.
A lot of us has been through similar situations, i was just lucky enough to avoid courts besides for child support.

The balls in your court, you know how she and the courts are playing.
Now just play their game but BETTER.

Face it, the courts, no matter where.. Almost ALWAYS treat the father as a criminal in a custody type case. Even if the father is completely clean with no criminal record.
They always side with the woman. That's just something us fathers need to get used to, i have and i been goin through it for 10 years.
It's the court + mother vs father. You dont need luck to win, you just need to show them how badly you want to win this case and the court might eventually rule in your favor.
Even if they dont, dont give up and be persistent. That will prove to them how badly you want to be a good father and if they deny you what you ask for than they become the "bad guy" which is what they try to make you look like now, then you can use that against them.

Hope im making sense to you.
 
again,nsa,i can not thank u enough.
the supervised thing feels so degrading and disrespectful….i even got angry but it didn't show(I think ).
so yeah,don't give up……..no.I'm not.just very sad and confused right now.

im gonna have to seriously play their game it seems.
and stay calm.and even give them UA's.what a joke.

the advice helped me though and i will now probably go for the supervised couple of hours a week option.
it's just……i can't find the right words.

edit:also thanx to the poster i didn't see while scrolling down.
it did make sense.
 
If you cant find the right words than just write down a bunch of reasons you should see your child and make a question that each one of the reasons fit as an answer.
Then write down things about her that aren't too great (hey she called you a ticking time bomb) and make questions that she would have to answer with what you wrote as things that are bad about her. That will ruin her "clean rep" and make you look equal to the courts. then its up to them who wins. Who ever can come up with a better argument in the case will win.

BTW im not a lawer but i do have a "silver tongue" so to speak.
im unfortunately gifted with the curse to win any argument no matte what about. Just remember, to win an argument with someone, you dont need to be right... just prove them wrong.
 
thedawn said:
my kids b day is coming up in a few days.
i have ordered a present,xbox360,from amazon.
i had to hustle to get the money.it was about 200 dollars.

i still have the key to my ex house and can drop the present off in the morning
with a letter.

herbavore,do u think it's about time to tell my 9 years old about daddy being an ex-addict?
just your personal opinion.

edit:it's early morning now in CA and next time i will be online will be around 6 CA time.
Click to expand...

I just responded to this in a PM.<3
 
HdoubleODeezy said:
If you cant find the right words than just write down a bunch of reasons you should see your child and make a question that each one of the reasons fit as an answer.
Then write down things about her that aren't too great (hey she called you a ticking time bomb) and make questions that she would have to answer with what you wrote as things that are bad about her. That will ruin her "clean rep" and make you look equal to the courts. then its up to them who wins. Who ever can come up with a better argument in the case will win.



BTW im not a lawer but i do have a "silver tongue" so to speak.
im unfortunately gifted with the curse to win any argument no matte what about. Just remember, to win an argument with someone, you dont need to be right... just prove them wrong.
Click to expand...

this is good.thinking now.
 
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