Tired of my alcoholic dad and all of his BS

[subutex_junkie]

Hey bluelight, I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post this in, I figured mental health was a good spot but anyways..
I just need to vent about my dad and his alcoholism and our shitty relationship. So, my dad, how to even begin. Well I guess as a younger kid he was a bit violent with me and verbally abusive and the older I got, the more I noticed that he drank a lot and he was getting more aggressive as I became older. It was an all out war in my teens where we'd physically fight probably 1-2 times a month or more, maybe even once a week. Well once I was old enough, I finally had it and wasn't going to just let someone punch and slap me so I broke his leg with a baseball bat, I don't believe I've ever felt that powerful before or since. Well the joke was on me, I guess when a teen breaks a parents leg, they send the kid to a mental hospital like I'm the crazy one but whatever, after 72 hours, the doctors knew who was the one causing the family problems and I was free. Well my mom left him once she realized that he wasn't going to stop drinking and he was going to continue being an asshole when he drank. Well he first tried keeping contact and seeing me but my problem was that we only went to bars where he used me as the D.D. for him and a woman who I later found out from my friend who saw her ring that she was his wife. He'd then he'd gave me money that he knew I'd spend on drugs but I guess he felt guilty or something. For the longest time that was our relationship where we went to the bars or somewhere where he could drink then he'd give me $ but then he'd say it was all I wanted... all I wanted was him to be a good parent, not just pick me up, get drunk, cry about him moving out and his drinking then throw money at me in an attempt to.. I guess I don't know why he always gave me money but he did then he'd get drunk and say it was the only reason I ever saw him.

I went to rehab in my late teens and he tried one more time to get back into my life by calling me while I was in jail then driving me up to my court ordered 90 days of inpatient rehab. I got in the program and was clean during the time I was there, it's then when I realized how bad of a drunk he really was. Once, while in foster care for the rehab, he tried calling me but I'd lost that night's phone privileges after breaking some rule. Well, he was drunk and I guess he didn't like hearing that I couldn't use the phone so he started making threats to take me out of the program and yelling at my foster parent, it was embarrassing, my foster parent actually put him on the phone with me because he was being so unstable, he thought I could help calm him down. I got on the phone and here a 50 year old man is, crying hysterically over nothing and I didn't even know what to say, I was embarrassed, I was slightly confused and I just told him that I was just fine and he needed to calm down and relax, which for some reason pissed him off that I was telling him what to do so I just went with it until he finally stopped acting like a child and was able to hang up. God, even my foster parent was just like "What the fuck is his problem, calling you that fucking drunk?" He had done this before too, in front of a friend of mine, he once started crying hysterically and telling that my mom's a good woman and leaving her was a mistake and it's just like shit, I've got a friend in the car, can you stop embarrassing both of us just because you're drunk! After I finally got out of rehab, we hit our breaking point probably 5 days later and it was on, of all days, Thanksgiving.

I was still on probation and we'd decided that I'd stay for Thanksgiving BUT the only rule was, NO ALCOHOL because I was still newly sober and the courts didn't want me around people drinking. Sure enough, that one rule was too much to follow and by 6pm Thanksgiving night, he was smashed when all I wanted to do was go to an AA/NA meeting. Because he was drunk, he decided that I wasn't going anywhere because family was over but everyone was fucking drinking and he was beyond drunk, hell, his fucking wife kept even giving me beer and I just needed to escape. The night ended with me taking a pool ball and swinging it at his face, throwing it through a wall then talking off, walking through snow on the side of the highway and I walked about 8 miles back to my mom's because I didn't want to call her, I was still really upset. After that day, things haven't ever been the same since. I started getting more and more into heroin and shit right after that and I realized he never hang out with me anymore so I just used him for heroin money, the one thing he would do is give me cash so I took advantage. After quitting heroin and getting on suboxone I tried again to start seeing him but he would never meet me, I tried and tried until he one day made plans to take out for my 18th birthday. Well, he blew me off and after trying to reschedule 3 different times, only to get blown off 4 times I total, I just stopped trying. Fast forward 2 years, I was going through a lot of drama with an ex girlfriend and I was just really unhappy and not seeing my dad, even though I'd built up a shell, it still hurt not having any contact with him for 2 years, I felt like he just must not care, I'm an adult and couldn't even imagine spending 2 years without seeing ANY of my kids at all! So, I tried calling him one night and the next day he called and we actually talked. It ended with him saying we'd hang out again soon and him saying he wasn't drinking as much anymore either so being stupid, I believed him but after 6 months without him even trying to reach me, I just said "Fuck it" and gave up on hearing from him.

So, today the phone rang and I saw it was him, he left a message and still hoping it maybe was for me, I listened to the message and what a surprise, he wasn't looking for me. I've been at the point over the past year or 2 where I just honestly hope he fucking dies, call me cruel, whatever, but I'm tired of waiting for a day that's never going to happen where he calls and says he stopped drinking and bla bla bla. I'm now realizing reality and the reality is that he's going to die drunk and alone and I'll either laugh because he brought it upon himself or cry because he hasn't been a real father to me since I was maybe 13 years old and even then he was a dick, it just took me becoming a grown man to realize that what I've always felt towards him wasn't just anger but it's hate, I fucking hate my father and I really do hope he dies so that way I can just accept that he'll never be a parent again! I'm tired of having that thought in the back of mind that maybe, just maybe, one day he'll be my dad again, I logically know he won't, that's why I just wish he'd die, then I can just stop having that hope because I don't want it anymore.

 

[T. Calderone]

You sound really angry at your dad. Are you close with your mom and do you have siblings? When he called today who was he looking for? That might not have been a "mistake" on his part, maybe he knows you hate him and in some way trying to reach out to you but embarrassed or something. Did he sound drunk in his message?

My dad was an alcoholic too. He wasn't abusive, more like wrapped up in his own life. I feel sort of bad that I never stayed in touch and he died about six years ago.

 

[subutex_junkie]

You sound really angry at your dad. Are you close with your mom and do you have siblings? When he called today who was he looking for? That might not have been a "mistake" on his part, maybe he knows you hate him and in some way trying to reach out to you but embarrassed or something. Did he sound drunk in his message?

My dad was an alcoholic too. He wasn't abusive, more like wrapped up in his own life. I feel sort of bad that I never stayed in touch and he died about six years ago.

Yeah, I'm very angry at him. Me and my mom thankfully are close, without her I'd likely be homeless and as for siblings, I do have a brother but he's about 16 years older than me and he lives like 8 hours away, on the other side of the state. We're not extremely close but we do talk, mainly it's my fault that we're not that close, I sometimes isolate myself from both my family and friends when I'm either depressed or using heavily. When he called, he was looking for my mom, I doubt it was anything more, it was probably just something having to do with $. He's a "functional alcoholic" so it's sometimes hard for me to tell if he's drunk unless I'm around him but my guess was that he had been drinking, maybe not a lot but it was towards the end of the day when he called so likely he'd at least drank a little bit, last I knew he was physically addicted and needed alcohol right away every morning so he won't shake. Thank you for commenting, I appreciate it. I can relate when you say your dad was wrapped up in his own life, that's exactly how I feel, that's a main reason I'm mad, I feel like after him and my mom split up, he just forgot about his old life and moved on to a new one. My brother has the same problem where our dad doesn't contact either of us and my brother, like me, is just tired of him not returning calls, picking up calls, etc. I'm sorry to here that you feel bad about not staying in touch with your father before he passed away, sorry that I don't really know what to say either..

 

[Maya]

^I understand OP, you have have had a turbulent relationship with your dad for so long, and if I was in that position I will get tired too. When you guys were still talking have you tried talking to him about seeking help with his alcoholism? Do you think he would be willing to discuss this with you if you tell him how you felt all these years?

 

[ugly]

hey subu,
I'm sorry you've had the misfortune of having an alcoholic parent. We don't choose it. All we can do is deal with it.

I'm 55 and I have recently stopped working on my relationship with my mom. She is an alcoholic.

I had heard of gatherings based on anonymity for people in relationships with alcoholics but I didn't start attending meetings until last year.

This year, I gave myself permission to break free. The reading and the talking I did through the group helped me get this far.

I'm not done yet but I have more peace now than I have ever had. I'm suggesting that you might find some peace for yourself through the guidance of your peers.

I don't regularly recommend step programs. I have a few issues with these types of things.

But I take what I need to help me see my situation from a variety of perspectives through the literature and meetings.

Maybe you could try a meeting. Or a different meeting.

 

[subutex_junkie]

^I understand OP, you have have had a turbulent relationship with your dad for so long, and if I was in that position I will get tired too. When you guys were still talking have you tried talking to him about seeking help with his alcoholism? Do you think he would be willing to discuss this with you if you tell him how you felt all these years?

Yeah, I've discussed that with him many times, both going to meetings and going to an actual rehab program but besides getting him to attend 1 meeting years ago, as I go to them somewhat regularly, he didn't take it seriously and never went back to one and he's not willing to go into a rehab program or even a detox center

 

[thedawn]

i think it's either/or.
you have a choice(as a parent,not about u OP)between alcohol or kids.
you can't have it both ways.
if u wanna drink and be an asshole,feel free,just don't have kids or come close to me.
it;s not fair by alcoholic people to have kids on purpose if they are thinking at all.(many aren't)

alcohol will make relationship to your kid bad.if u abuse the drug alcohol.
it's NOT FAIR to the kid,that;s my point.the kid didn't decide to be born.the kid is all innocent.
so when u pick up the booze,then treats your kid like shit not realizing your destroying him emotionally,and goes to bed and repeat…….

i feel your pain.i too grew up around things i shouldn't have.made me a fucking asshole for many years.
it was a direct consequence of the hurt and pain alcohol and drugs causes.
it's not even u'r father.he doesn't know.he's a drunk.fuck him.he shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
our problem is that we need real life people support.this is,for me,also just fucking more shit i don't need.
i currently hate people.
but those are just feelings(feelings aren't facts)or u'r disease telling u to kill yourself
or something.

so what i do is recovery.
try to do the right thing hoping eventually it will pay off in some way,shape or form.
i take 16mgs of subs every day,prescribed.
I'm cool with that.

i try meetings like AA or gonna try SMART recovery.
but i haven;t succeeded in anything else than staying clean from heroin.
no job or anything like that.you'll get better advice as the thread moves on.i haven't read the above replies cuz i don't feel like it.

much love from the bay area to wherever.

 

[herbavore]

That was pretty heartbreaking to read, subutex_junkie. Your Dad is an addict and has never tried to deal with his addiction. He has victimized you when you were young and then put you in the position of acting like the adult with him in the role of a child. It makes sense that you are angry--you have every right to be. Anger in itself is not bad but it needs to be complimented with empathy or it becomes a terrible trap that harms you far more than the source of your anger. You have fought (and are fighting) addiction and so you know intimately all the weapons it uses to feed itself at your expense: denial, shame, the cycle of shame and relapse. Your Dad is no doubt filled with more shame than you can imagine. On some level, no matter how deep inside he has buried the knowledge, he knows how he has hurt you, how profound the damage is in your life. The best way forward for you is to acknowledge that your anger is valid but that you cannot heal yourself without forgiving him. There is a world of difference between forgiving and excusing. You do not need to excuse his behavior--it has been and continues to be horrible. Forgiving simply says, I refuse to carry out in myself what you have done to me now that you are no longer in my life. It is about freeing yourself.

You are incredibly courageous to have survived and to have survived with your heart intact. Concentrate on acceptance of what is (he is in active addiction and cannot see anything else) and try to put your energy into the relationships that give you something back. For a boy not to have the love of a father is devastating but it doesn't have to define you forever. As an adult, you can choose to make being healthy and having healthy relationships a priority.

 

[subutex_junkie]

Thank you to everyone who posted, I REALLY appreciate it and I'm trying to take some of the advice. Today I was hanging out, smoking a few joints with a friend of mine and we were just chatting about life then he asked me some things about my dad. He doesn't know anything about my dad so instead of being angry or anything, I just was calm, answered my friends questions, told him about my dad's job, where we've lived through out my life and why I moved each time, etc. I'm trying to let the anger go like you said herbavore and I may not be ready to forgive but I am trying just to accept it for what it is and not waste emotional energy on caring but also not ignore my feelings either and basically just accept it's not right, being upset doesn't help and only causes me stress.

 

[omnipresenthuman]

regardless of how you feel about your dad, just don't let your self get embroiled in substance abuse directly as a result...I know you said you're staying off alcohol, but drugs are drugs...and in your original post it seems like you were primarily pissed off at your dad's drinking problem. just don't go substituting drinking for other addictive behaviors in an effort to block out the pain of having to deal with an alcoholic father, because if you're actually angry and fed up with your dad, then you may as well do what you always wanted him to do - be clean and responsible...not saying you're not responsible, just saying

 

[subutex_junkie]

regardless of how you feel about your dad, just don't let your self get embroiled in substance abuse directly as a result...I know you said you're staying off alcohol, but drugs are drugs...and in your original post it seems like you were primarily pissed off at your dad's drinking problem. just don't go substituting drinking for other addictive behaviors in an effort to block out the pain of having to deal with an alcoholic father, because if you're actually angry and fed up with your dad, then you may as well do what you always wanted him to do - be clean and responsible...not saying you're not responsible, just saying

That's another struggle because I've been addicted to drugs long before this stuff but I do agree with doing what I want him to do and getting sober, I've tried several times and still haven't gave up on the idea of getting clean. I actually DO drink a bit I'm careful with how much I drink and how often though, I know that with both addiction in my family and already being a drug addict, my chances of becoming an alcoholic are high.