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February - Getting and staying clean/sober thread

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24 more everyone.. nice work!!:)

6a00e553b724ae88340120a5eaf64c970c-pi
 
346 clean today.

Spent most of the day hiking in the redwoods, which always makes me feel cleansed and at peace.
 
Mr.Scagnattie said:
^^

What kinda talk? About being sober and shit?
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Basically, ya. This is the first treatment facility I have been to that wasn't terrible. I mean ya, they push the program and how we are powerless to a disease and all of that. But on Day 1, I told them that I don't do NA and that I have very different spiritual beliefs, some of which I developed through drugs. And they actually were okay with it and still treated me like an adult. I really give this place props, even if some of it drives me nuts. They do a good job to work with people and help them feel respected, and seeing that alone makes them top-notch in my book.

But it didn't end up happening today, unfortunately. I have to go back next week.
 
Starting a clean life tomorrow, been addicted to cannabis, amphetamines, benzos, anti-psychotics, alcohol and tobacco for many years. Just food, water and fresh air for me now.
 
PMS said:
Starting a clean life tomorrow, been addicted to cannabis, amphetamines, benzos, anti-psychotics, alcohol and tobacco for many years. Just food, water and fresh air for me now.
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Good luck pms, the first few months are going to be tough but once you've passed it it should be much better. We are here if you need support.
 
Thanks Maya and Evvey. <3

I've been isolating less which helps a bit, but I need to start getting honest about how I'm doing. :\

280 Days.
 
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caseface99 said:
Thanks Maya and Evvey. <3

I've been isolating less which helps a bit, but I need to start getting honest about how I'm doing. :\

280 Days.
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You're doing great though case! 280 days! <3

---

So I talked to my boyfriend about my addiction and my past, and he was so understanding about it which made me feel so much better. It felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. He didn't judge me, and just said that I was amazing and strong for what I've been dealing with. Knowing that he knows about my struggles makes it much easier for me. He said that he's going to celebrate my 1 year of being off the needle with me in March.
 
Wow addy I'm so proud of you for having the courage to be completely transparent with him about it, and so glad to hear how supportive he is being! That's incredible, and you really deserve it! <3

ad lib said:
You're doing great though case! 280 days! <3
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Since I starting doing my 10th step inventory, I've been catching myself being dishonest more and trying to change that, so I'm gonna be honest here. I'm done "faking it till I make it". I can't pretend anymore - the only thing that has been keeping me sober, for a while now, is pride. Or ego, whatever you want to call it. But the point is that the only thing standing between me and a needle is A) the guilt I would feel if I use and lie about it and/or B) the shame I will feel if I use and tell people.

Believe me, I know how dangerous of a place this is, and I know it can't last.. It can't keep me away from a needle forever. I so desperately want to find the motivation I had 9 months ago but I don't know how. I can look into the future and picture myself with an education and a job and a family and people in my life who love me and being happy and helping other people - the only problem is that I'm not in the picture. I can't see myself ever being a productive member of society, and honestly I've never really wanted that anyway. Ever. Not since at least around middle school anyway. Maybe outlandish far out dreams as a little kid, but ever since I've been old enough to understand the world it's like I've been waiting for a way to just make it all go away. The fact that I know how to make it all go away, and I am working hard everyday to avoid doing it now, is really starting to drive me insane.

Maybe it's been the lack of sleep over these last two months. Maybe it's just the sleep deprivation starting to take it's toll and really fuck with my mental state. I don't know. I do know that the path I'm on does not appeal to me. Maybe there are other options, other paths, besides going back to using. The problem is I don't know what. I just don't fuckin' know... The only thing I do know is that I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend I am working towards a life I believe is worth having and can't pretend I care.

I hope this all doesn't sound dramatic but this is the only place I've ever felt comfortable being truly honest and I'm afraid of what I might do if I carry on the way I have been. I have literally spent hours planning relapses over the last month or so... I somehow manage to convince myself just wait until tomorrow and figure it out then, but I know I can't do that forever. I will drive myself completely fucking insane eventually if that continues to be a daily occurrence. The only thing that kept me sober yesterday, for example, was the minor satisfaction I got out of giving this homeless girl two dollars and talking to her for a few minutes (I had recognized her from a meeting). I'm torn because I know somewhere inside me a part of me craves nothing more than being happy joyous and free. I just don't see that happening. I'm torn because I want people in my life, friends, real, honest relationships with people - but Im fucking sick of people asking me how I'm doing. I know none of them really care. I know none of them actually want to spend an hour listening to me bitch about first world problems that they can't begin to help or even give a shit about anyway. I don't even feel like I can be honest with my sponsor - I don't even know if I ever truly have been. There's only a select few people I have ever been truly honest with and truly felt cared about me, and none of them are in my life anymore as a direct consequence to decisions I have made.

I'm going to stop ranting now. I really hope you are all doing well, and I know a large part of me genuinely hopes to continue being a part of what we have here. I'm probably not going to post much for a while, because I don't like being a downer, and like I said - I'm fucking done pretending.
 
caseface99 said:
But the point is that the only thing standing between me and a needle is A) the guilt I would feel if I use and lie about it and/or B) the shame I will feel if I use and tell people.
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This is the crux of your problem. Guilt and shame do not work to keep you sober. The problem with using these two is that in order to employ them to keep you sober, you actually have to employ them to keep you sober. That means swimming around in bad memories from your past, which leads to anxiety and depression, which leads to more cravings. Forget what people in society or the program or wherever tell you to do to stay sober. They don't necessarily "know better than you." Sponsors are just people - often very demented, fucked-up people. And society takes care of itself extremely well - just look around, everything's perfect!

You have to be a little selfish in recovery. I personally like the Bodhicitta concept from Buddhism. I interpret this to mean that you have the wish to become fully enlightened in order to help all other sentient beings. I really think that change in recovery comes from the inside-out, not the outside-in (meetings, sponsor, listening to other people, higher-power, etc). Following other people's advice in a powerless/needy state just makes me feel weak, and like a slave to some type of deficiency I have. So I think you're on the right track with working out. And you're in school, so you have tons of opportunities to better your mind. But the happier you become with yourself, the less inclined you will be to reach for things beyond yourself to try and feel better or more complete. The less lonely you will be. The less desiring of validation and approval you will be.
 
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