I really want to go back to Thailand. It's the only place I know of where I feel at peace and like I can truly be myself and not have to live a double-life so as to maintain financially in this cut-throat culture that has little sympathy. Cambodia last year wasn't that great, but I still would like to get back to that part of the world soon, only go back to Thailand instead. The problem is that I owe federal debt, a lot of federal debt that is compounding interest as we speak, and I cannot reclaim my passport until this gets paid off in completion. I barely have enough money left over after my bills are paid to go out to eat or see a movie. And months of daily efforts to get a better job has led to nothing but the re-destruction of one's self-esteem that comes with an addict and criminal trying to prove himself worthy of a job. So it's just a horrible feeling, debt-enslavement without any foreseeable way out. I do my best to take care of myself, and in that regard I am doing better than ever. But I still have to go out in society and figure out ways to obtain enough money to not end up destitute on the streets, and other people just drive me absolutely insane with their selfish and ignorant beliefs. It's lonely being a good person in a culture that is quick to hang the good, humble person out to dry.
RL,
I hear you. My husband and I put our stuff into storage, gave up our apartment and quit our jobs, and moved to the mountains outside of Chiang Mai for the year in 2010, to teach English at a highschool. On the weekends I would take the bus to Pai and DJ at bars and clubs there, relax in the guesthouses, and ride a motorbike up into the mountains. Thailand was beautiful.
The intense pressure and stress of life in the US--the obsession with capital, the strict and arbitrary social laws and mores, the disgusting greed, the competitiveness, and the frenetic energy--was relieved for me when I was in Thailand. It was a great adventure and a milestone for me (I got engaged in Laos after our teaching contract ended) but I found myself missing home--which for me is my friends, my family, and my music (obviously didnt bring my vinyl collection with me to Asia.) I moved back, and had a renewed sense of who I was and what was important to me. After living with whatever could fit into a backpack for a year, there was certainly a lot of culture shock to adjust to when I came home to opulent Berkeley.
I too have a turbulent financial situation as a consequence of my choices during my addiction. It affects my self esteem sometimes. How could it not? I also have a lot of student loan debt that makes every pay check an exercise in logic, math, and minimalism. That concept alone--that I am bound to the bank for the next 20 years because I chose to go to an Ivy League school to get an education, supposedly one of the central aspects of being a social being, is a main source of my depression. And probably one of the many reasons I can't sleep at night right now. Sometimes I feel like an alien here, because money is simply not the central reason why I exist. So I chose to be a social worker so that every day I could wake up and do something that is valuable to me-helping others who may have srtuggled with addiction or other hardships, survive.
All I can say to you is that I understand your situation. You arent alone in your experience. And even though you can't physically leave right now to return to the place where you felt most alive and free, you can try to find solace in the fact that you are working towards your goal. Try to surround yourself with positive people (even just one person) who you trust, and who shares your value system. Eventually, as you work as hard as you are now, by meditating, saving every penny, eating right and exercising, concentrating on exactly what you want, and talking out your frustrations, it will slowly get better. Remember,
nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's the law of the universe. I tell myself that when I am feeling crushed by everything. I say that to myself as I meditate.
You are brave to express your experiences so honestly in your post in the first place. Thanks. And take care.
So you're a valentines baby? Aww 
This things are all very disheartening, but at least you have one positive coming up in the future-you have the opportunity to start suboxone and begin the process of ridding yourself from opiate addiction. There is no free'er thing that being able to wake up in the morning and not need a shot, line, pill, or whatever just to get out of bed.
