a new coctail combo for me tonight; red vein thai kratom, etizolam and ethyplehnidate. I have a feeling it will be interessting. I feel like im heading towards some sort of conclusion or 'epiphany'; and that it will happen over the next few days or weeks. By christ yes i want to go out on a blaze of glory, i dont mean i want to kill myself by saying that, and im sure there are better combos to have a blaze of glory on. but as far the moment thats the best i can do, it's all ive got in house.
My keywokers veiled threats to throw me out due to my lack of progress, and certain posts on here have applied pressure on me to either commit to one thing ot the other. It really is no use half heartedly attempting to quit over and over again. I believe kenny was correct when he said i should either resign myself to being an addict for x number of years and just fucking get on with it, in practice for me that would possibly mean hitting rock bottom and having no money left, losing the support of my family, as distant as it is, becoming a disgrace to the community, spiralling down completely out of control, obtaining a criminial record etc etc. Obviously no one actively seeks such an outcome, but that is a possibilty if i choose to continue down this road much further, or get deeper into it.
I hope my posts are no longer winding brimz up. I may be living on another planet to him and talking out of my arse, im sure if we met face to face we could come to an understanding, but with his recent posts i get the impression his first reaction would be to deck me for being such a dick, in his eyes. I would take that for what he's been through, even if he is just venting at me and i am to some extent a scapegoat for him, there is a truth in the things he says. And the things he and kenny have said have caused me to 'move on' a bit with my thinking, rather than being stuck in a hopeless cycle. I have to be either in, or out. This may mean spending more time in the recovery sections of BL than i do at present. EADD does act as a trigger for me, my keywokers have been telling me this for weeks. When i re-ordered PV against my better judgement a while ago, but kept quiet about it (as i knew everyone would go NO, NO, NO) it kind of proved it to me. As much as i feel i have made some 'virtual friends' here that i feel some genuine bond and effection for, i have to decide if this is the right lifestyle choice for me.
Im unable to dabble and use in moderation like several people here, with the possible exception of stimulants, they are managble and controllable and self limiting for me. This doesnt mean Im going to stop posting in EADD, I'll possibly deeply regret this post later on, but right now this is how things seem to me.