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Flirting with the idea

^^

Haha.

Yeah, when I was younger my parents would always threaten to change my number and shit. I would always just say, I have the numbers in my head or if I didn't, I'd just go walk the blocks all day until I found my dealers!

Took them years to realize that if I wanted to use.. it was going to happen no matter what.

You gotta want it for yourself.
 
In what seems completely counter-intuitive, it's actually easier for me to stop when I have a good connect. When I am really struggling to obtain good H, but am nonetheless still physically addicted, I have that compulsion to jump at opportunities for the quick, easy score of good stuff. But if I know that I have the number that will get me it whenever I need it, and it's not going away anytime soon, it's like I can appeal to the "I can always use tomorrow" train of thought.
 
^^

Yeah I actually can see that. I feel the same way. It's kind of like a comfort and easier to stay clean in a way, not making a big deal out of it, knowing "yeah, I can go score right now if I wanted to, but I don't need to."
 
Well. I fucked up.


But. I am back on track.

I actually feel ashamed and like I am a disappointment to my BL fam.

WHich, I know that the emotions of guilt and shame are useless right now, so I will try to force them out of my brain and start once again.

The only plus side is that I am able to do damage control, and as long as I just don't pick up again tomm, I will probably be ok sick wise.

Please continue to support me guys, I need you.
 
^^

Relapses happen. It's a normal part of recovery. You just pick yourself up and get back on track. One slip doesn't erase all the progress you made and hard work, so just keep going and try and learn from it.. realize why it happened, what triggered it, you know? That way you can avoid another one.
 
That's the thing - to get back on the horse vs give things another run... I'm mad at myself for contemplating a relapse in advance (drinking) - going out to a race event tomorrow where everyone will be drinking beer. I only have 18 days or so and that would not be a good idea but that environment is so intense and fun that I'm let my brain 'go there' with thoughts of having a few beers for that day only... and I'm frustrated with both sides of that argument!!! :-(
 
deltakappamu said:
Well. I fucked up.


But. I am back on track.

I actually feel ashamed and like I am a disappointment to my BL fam.

WHich, I know that the emotions of guilt and shame are useless right now, so I will try to force them out of my brain and start once again.

The only plus side is that I am able to do damage control, and as long as I just don't pick up again tomm, I will probably be ok sick wise.

Please continue to support me guys, I need you.
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I feel that way a lot and those emotions are hard. Sometimes they can serve a purpose as it could be an incentive for relapse prevention. Believe me, nobody here's going to think less of you. Many of us are in your exact situation and I find it feels worse if you have to keep it to yourself. Tomorrow really is another day.

Rubenator, that's going to be a challenge not drinking when everyone else will be. It's easy to imagine just having a few beers with your friends. But if you're like me, once you get started it will be hard to quit. Maybe your will power is better than mine though. I would bring some bottled water along for the trip or some other favorite substitute beverage if you can.

The relapsing in advance thoughts are so common. I remember when my dad was trying to quit and my stepmom would "ration" his beer if they wanted to go someplace special. That might help if your partner was trying to keep you sober but realistically, either way it didn't work so great for them.
 
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Throw all the shame and guilt out the window.. it does nothing positive makes us unhappy and drives use<3


RedLeader said:
My problem is that I have this bad habit known as 'memorising dealer's phone numbers.'
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fortunately I can remember phone numbers to save my life. But the craziest thing happened I crashed on a scooter with no helmet and cracked my head really good. In the hospital they were asking me for phone numbers to contact people and I could remember verbatim every phone number I had ever heard or dialed over the course of my whole life. and now I'm back to not being able to rememebr my own hardly.
 
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Thanks guys! Once again y'all have made me feel like a human being. I have been going to my 12 step fellowship food over 4 years now, and I know that relapse is a part of recovery, but that doesn't mean it makes it hurt any less, or feel any less shitty. So, I picked up yet another white key tag! Ready to surrender. again.


neversickanymore said:
Throw all the shame and guilt out the window.. it does nothing positive makes us unhappy and drives use<3
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You are right. And the only thing I would need to be ashamed about is if I didn't go back, and didn't admit that I fucked up, and kept using.

Thanks for keeping me level headed y'all. Onward!
 
^^

Are you on probation or anything? If not, then just consider yourself lucky that relapse is only a slight step back and not something that could end up throwing you in jail.

Things are always 10x harder with legal trouble hanging over your head because you no longer have control. Relapses and shit aren't just relapses. They can be literal life ruiners and get you tossed away for years.
 
Mr.Scagnattie said:
Things are always 10x harder with legal trouble hanging over your head because you no longer have control. Relapses and shit aren't just relapses. They can be literal life ruiners and get you tossed away for years.
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Ya, that feeling of being extremely stressed about legal unknowns can really make you want to relapse, but then you know that if you relapse, you could be done for! Personally, I really struggle giving up control of my own body to people who "know what's best for me." It makes me infuriated, it brings the rebellious teenager back out. I mean, if I drive a car while high or steal to get a fix, then I can understand. But it's nobody's business but my own if I relapse behind closed doors with my own money, but then get back on track the next day. I'm surprised that over all of the years, I've only done tiny stints locked up and never got the "wakeup call." Then again, tens of thousands of dollars have been dedicated to keeping me out of jail, and this has really made the debt pile up, destroyed my credit (and in turn my ability to get a job, get a lease, etc). Point is, nobody from the State ever sat down and asked me how I was doing with genuine concern, what I needed to really break the cycle of addiction. You don't matter to these people, you are a second-class citizen and nothing you think or say has any merit at all when it comes to keeping you sober.

So ya...you have to get clean for yourself and not the overloards. Think about it like this...I often pretend that I am getting clean in a society where heroin is legal. If I focus on this and do my best to believe it, I can silence all of the resentment that is directed at the State. This actually is one of the reasons that I don't like NA, though. The people there never cared much for my institutional resentment rants. They don't exactly resonate with us in terms of our perception of the Drug War. They believe all of this crap about how "jail saved my life" and that "everything happens for a reason, even getting arrested." This kind of nonsense from recovering addicts gives the other side power. I refuse to attend the meetings now on principle. God help me if I am ever court-ordered again.
 
^^

Yeah it's a horrible feeling. I'm currently at the mercy of the courts, my future very unclear right now, as is my freedom. It's just so much extra stress and incredibly frustrating having other people, who don't even fucking know you or shit about drug addiction, in control of your life.
 
Mr.Scagnattie said:
^^

Are you on probation or anything? If not, then just consider yourself lucky that relapse is only a slight step back and not something that could end up throwing you in jail.

Things are always 10x harder with legal trouble hanging over your head because you no longer have control. Relapses and shit aren't just relapses. They can be literal life ruiners and get you tossed away for years.
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Yes I'm actually being supervised x 2. One thru my state and the other thru my occupations licensure board.


I've got a fuck ton to lose, yet still I get high.

Clean today tho..so far so good. Tho I'm on lunch right now and I've started my car twice now to go get some dope but then stopped. Ughhhhhh. After having two years clean then relapsing I'm just having a hard time stayin out the game. But I have a very lengthy back up, so thanks for reminding me of that MS
 
^ Yeah, what are you doing to stay clean Delta? Making a decision to not use is a huge first step - but not wanting to use hasn't kept very many people sober as far as I know. Have you been addressing any of the underlying psychological issues that may have caused the using, or any of the issues that were caused by the using?

What is your plan/has been your plan for addressing and surviving cravings without using? What have you been doing with your time?
 
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