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End of Physical Withdrawal, the Begining of PAWs, What Should I Know? (3 year habit)

neversickanymore said:
hey ford your doing great=D<3 the big break comes in about a week<3 man but the onlu thing to go back to is the pain you have already passed.. one of the many shit parts of opiates is that we all have to climb through it on the way out.. you atr doing amazing.. just a couple more days and you willl be out of the woods.. shit sir you already know there isn;t anything back there but what you have already made the maazing effort to push through.. your doing it and thats all that matters.. nothing left but a start to what you have already done.. you got this.. is it going to be uncomfportable yeah.. will you make it through it yrah man. the only other choice is getting dumped back at the start...

You got this..<3

what kind of music do you like"
Click to expand...

You are seriously my hero. No one else really tells me I'm doing a good job. My parents are supportive, but that doesn't mean they want to hear about it, which is very understandable. They were not raised in a drug environment at all.
Basically on here is the only place anyone tells me I've done anything good. Everyone else just "expects" well of course you just stop. What's the big deal? Like it's that easy...

But you have brought my spirits back up and so I'll give you a good answer to the music question, which is very complicated, as I record some local bands and go to every music festival under the sun.

Instead of genre, here comes well, you'll see:

Two favorites: Primus and Jack White

Driving in my car, It's sunny, going to do something fun:
Queens of the stone age
Modest Mouse
Nirvana
Pixies
Lou Reed/Velvet Underground
The White Stripes, Raconteurs, and The Dead Weather


Shoegaze, rainy-day, winter (not in a bad way):
Emancipator
Fc Kahuna
Black Moth Super Rainbow
Alt-J
Animal Collective

Super Happy Fun Time:
Papadosio
Primus
Gorillaz
Jurassic 5

I could go on for days. You know when people who don't know much about music say, "Oh I like everything!" and it's total bullshit. I actually listen to anything except southern rock, country, and bad rap. (Hip-hop totally fine).

P.S. Seen almost every one of these live more than 3 times except the obvious ones like Nirvana. I'm only 24 so I didn't have a chance.
 
 
I love Red Hot Chili Peppers. They are amazing. Seen them live twice in 2004. First went to see them in Phoenix Park, Dublin (went for a weekend to Dublin). Loved it that much got on eBay n bought tickets for the flowing Friday in Manchester, England. I'm in North Wales but was onky a 2-hour drive, if that.

Anyway - sorry there going off topic.

We tell you you're doing good because you ARE doing good n be because people who have not suffered drug addiction do not necessarily understand how extremely difficult it is for someone to quit n to stay that way. It is hard especially when your mind is the enemy (or should I say the amydala, a part of the brain involved in emotions, motivation n so forth - the part that comes up with the excuses n argues "just one, one will not harm, will?!"). They do not understand all the psychological stuff going through your head, the cravings etc. they may do research but they cannot truly understand "unless they have truly walked your shoes." It would be like me research cancer n talking to a friend with cancer. I may be able to support that person but I cannot truly understand what they are going through n to assume that I do, would be really arrogant of me.

Do YOU know that you're doing good? How do you feel about things so far?

Take care,
Evey xxxx
 
 
Eveleivibe said:
We tell you you're doing good because you ARE doing good n be because people who have not suffered drug addiction do not necessarily understand how extremely difficult it is for someone to quit n to stay that way. It is hard especially when your mind is the enemy (or should I say the amydala, a part of the brain involved in emotions, motivation n so forth - the part that comes up with the excuses n argues "just one, one will not harm, will?!"). They do not understand all the psychological stuff going through your head, the cravings etc. they may do research but they cannot truly understand "unless they have truly walked your shoes." It would be like me research cancer n talking to a friend with cancer. I may be able to support that person but I cannot truly understand what they are going through n to assume that I do, would be really arrogant of me.

Do YOU know that you're doing good? How do you feel about things so far?

Take care,
Evey xxxx
Click to expand...

Chili Peppers are amazing.

Yes I feel like I'm doing a good job, but I don't feel good physically. What's getting me down is I guess they kind of expect me to now. You're done being sick right? So what's the problem? Yeah, I showed my Dad some papers on PAWs.

He is a real work a holic, and so am I when I'm not like this, so he just doesn't get why throwing bails of hay is not possible for me right now. I mean, I'll go out and throw a few, then be so tired I just have to sit down.

I think I'm going to stop the Gabapentin. It's time. I think that's the last thing holding me to any of this. It helped me in many ways but I'm going to taper off of it as well.

Thank both of you helping me re-evaluate my own situation. You're words hit home Eve, I feel good about getting clean but I don't necessarily feel good about myself because I'm not living up to the standards that I normally was.

With love and an amazing amount of respect for you both,
-FRF
 
FordRiverFailed said:
Chili Peppers are amazing.

Yes I feel like I'm doing a good job, but I don't feel good physically. What's getting me down is I guess they kind of expect me to now. You're done being sick right? So what's the problem? Yeah, I showed my Dad some papers on PAWs.

He is a real work a holic, and so am I when I'm not like this, so he just doesn't get why throwing bails of hay is not possible for me right now. I mean, I'll go out and throw a few, then be so tired I just have to sit down.

I think I'm going to stop the Gabapentin. It's time. I think that's the last thing holding me to any of this. It helped me in many ways but I'm going to taper off of it as well.

Thank both of you helping me re-evaluate my own situation. You're words hit home Eve, I feel good about getting clean but I don't necessarily feel good about myself because I'm not living up to the standards that I normally was.

With love and an amazing amount of respect for you both,
-FRF
Click to expand...

I think that was one of those moments when mints interlock LoL... As I was reading through your first paragraph I was gna suggest that you get some papers on PAWS and show them, and then I read that you already have done so :)

That's understandable that you are gna feel tired I honestly don't know anything about Gabapentin to know whether quitting that right now is best or not. If you think that it is, then you're doing what you think is right for you. I would suggest a thread in the 'Sober Living' section called "February clean/sober" something like that, NSA has a very informative post on addiction which mentions about how we often make ourselves miserable because we are depending on others in terms of their opinions, thoughts of us etc, to feel good.. Just when I read you saying this:

"I feel good about getting clean but I don't necessarily feel good about myself because I'm not living up to the standards that I normally was."

I think a lot of us struggling with this one, I will admit I do. So often I have felt good and a person has said something to me and I ended up feeling miserable over it, or I'd be doing something, feeling good about it and someone close like my parents would say that it wasn't a good idea n I'd feel bad about doing it.

Anyway, you're doing ace n you'll get there. Keep going. You got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Evey xxxx
 
Tonight I only took two Gabapentin, instead of 3 a day, then tomorrow one if I feel like it's going to be easy.

The real reason I'm posting is because upon trying to explain, to my still understanding parents, that my PAWs aren't just magically over at 14ish days clean started an argument.

As I've said before, my father is a real workaholic...and well alcoholic. Not a bad one, he goes to work every single day and has never been violent in his life, but he has about 8 to 9 beers before bed.

When trying to explain to him why I didn't feel well, "even though you're done withdrawal right?", I said something I shouldn't have.
"Why don't you go 14 days without drinking, taking your anti depressants, and your benzos then come talk to me!"

Of course looking back that was a stupid think to say, but it is still very true. His "vices" are acceptable. He can drink all the beer and take all the Lexapro and xanax he wants and that's fine and dandy, but I'm SUPPOSED to just walk away from what I did like nothing happened. I got mad, I just wanted him to understand it's not that easy.

I don't feel well most mornings, I have nightmares in the 4 hours of unconsciousness that's been passing for sleep, and when the sun does come up it hurts my eyes and I wish it would burn out.

Sorry, rant over. I wish I could just be a normal un-scarred person again, but I have to heal first. Right now it's a scab, I have to let it heal.

So whooo whooo I'm around two weeks clean and no one gives a shit but me, and you nice people,

With love and respect as always,
-FRF
 
Hey Ford.. your doing great. Now its time to combat the paws;)

Its verry important that we avoid self pity. This is a very common thought pattern that is associated with early recovery and paws.

We need to fous our thoughts on the positive. Some really good threads you may want to participate in to keep you focused on the good are

Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share something POSITIVE from your day!
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 3: Earth, Wind and Fire!

Managing depressive thinking

http://www.clairedorotik.com/NLWC-EXERCISE_AND_MOOD.htm

ADD take http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/673580-Hey-I-thought-the-grey-matter-of-ADD-could-chew-on-this

It important to keep your thoughts focused in today.. if we slip into yestrday then we get hit with shame, guilt, anger, remorse.. if we jump into tomorw we get hit by fear, hoplessness, anxiety, self doubt. So we need to stay firmly in today.

The sitiation our lives have become can seem overwelming. When we think about our lives and what needs to be done we can be missreable and it can look and feel imposible. So what we need to do is break what we need to do down into little easliy achivable pieces. Then we just keep uor thoughts in the momant and start nocking off the easily achivable tasks. It is really powerful for us to give ourself the credit we deserve for everyhting we do. everything, I mean I give myself credit for giving mysellf credit. So a good way to begin to do this is to write down a few small things you want to get done the next day. Not like I want to fix my whole life in the first hour of the next day. More like Im going to check out some schools the next day and do some laundry, and clean my car.. shit thats easy to do. If you continue to do this everyday and then focus on getting this done without thinking about tomoarow or reliving yesterday then you will have a much smother time getting throught the paws and learning the proper tequniuqes to enjoy a sucsessful and peacefull recovery.

Here is a partial list of common addicit thinking.. most of us can see allot of this thinking in ourselfs when we think about it. I have been identifying and changing my thinking on all of these areas.

NSFW:


1. often become angry at or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way

2. seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process

3. are able to make a good first impression but are unable to follow through

4. have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized

5. have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes

6. are self-rejecting or self-alienated

7. are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied

8. are usually lonely even when surrounded by people

9. are chronic complainers who blame others for what's wrong with their lives

10. feel unappreciated and think they don't fit in

11. see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who "aren't there" for them

12. see everything as a catastrophe, a life-and-death situation

13. judge life in absolutes: black or white, right or wrong

14. live in the past while fearful of the future

15. have strong feelings of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment

16. fear failure and rejection and don't try new things that they might not do well

17. are obsessed with money and material things

18. dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen

19. cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others

20. prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates

21. believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves

22. often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane

23. hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings



its good to realize that the drugs were just an attempt of curbing the negative feelings created from thought patterns like these.


Your doing great Ford.. give yourself the credit you deserve. Now that the acutes are over you will need to take the next part of the journey. This is changing your thinking and behavior into something amazing. The best way to look at this I think Is your going to have to find a way to get addict enlightened. We have to change ourselfs like buddha or the other enlightened thinkers from time. If we are able to start to try and do this we will have a easier and easier time and find more and more peace.

Have you considered seeing an addiction counselor or trying the twelve step fellowships to begin this next potion of your journey?

You are doing great=D

Dont forget to avoid the pity potty we all like to climb on from time to time;)<3

Sitting on Your Very Own Pity Potty

NSFW:
43-The-Enlightenment.jpg


Confine yourself to the present.
Marcus Aurelius

Our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.
Marcus Aurelius

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Marcus Aurelius

He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.
Marcus Aurelius


Time to begin to make the transformation..=D
NSFW:

There is a great book you should check out at the library.. it really good in audio form as well

The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom

preview.png
 
FordRiverFailed said:
Tonight I only took two Gabapentin, instead of 3 a day, then tomorrow one if I feel like it's going to be easy.

The real reason I'm posting is because upon trying to explain, to my still understanding parents, that my PAWs aren't just magically over at 14ish days clean started an argument.

As I've said before, my father is a real workaholic...and well alcoholic. Not a bad one, he goes to work every single day and has never been violent in his life, but he has about 8 to 9 beers before bed.

When trying to explain to him why I didn't feel well, "even though you're done withdrawal right?", I said something I shouldn't have.
"Why don't you go 14 days without drinking, taking your anti depressants, and your benzos then come talk to me!"

Of course looking back that was a stupid think to say, but it is still very true. His "vices" are acceptable. He can drink all the beer and take all the Lexapro and xanax he wants and that's fine and dandy, but I'm SUPPOSED to just walk away from what I did like nothing happened. I got mad, I just wanted him to understand it's not that easy.

I don't feel well most mornings, I have nightmares in the 4 hours of unconsciousness that's been passing for sleep, and when the sun does come up it hurts my eyes and I wish it would burn out.

Sorry, rant over. I wish I could just be a normal un-scarred person again, but I have to heal first. Right now it's a scab, I have to let it heal.

So whooo whooo I'm around two weeks clean and no one gives a shit but me, and you nice people,

With love and respect as always,
-FRF
Click to expand...

You don't need to apologize for venting - that's fine. I can understand your frustration with your parents but you must try to realise that they don't truly understand n are probably acting how they are out of concern for you. Remember we, on here seem "nice" because we have been there but this must be difficult for your parents. They're seeing their son suffering n there's nothing they can do but watch. It must be frustrating for them n hurt them.

A good link that may help you see it from their perspective is friends n family of addicts it's on TDS. Can someone please put the link up here for Ford?

Please don't think I'm trying to go at you in any way just trying to help you see why they are acting as they are.

The information that NSA has given to you in his last post should really help too. Please read it carefully because it's easy to take some of the stuff in the wrong way.

You're doing ace so keep it up!

Evey xxxx
 
neversickanymore said:
Hey Ford.. your doing great. Now its time to combat the paws;)

Its very important that we avoid self pity. This is a very common thought pattern that is associated with early recovery and paws.

We need to fous our thoughts on the positive.

It important to keep your thoughts focused in today.. if we slip into yesterday then we get hit with shame, guilt, anger, remorse.. if we jump into tomorrow we get hit by fear, hopelessness, anxiety, self doubt. So we need to stay firmly in today.

The sitiation our lives have become can seem overwelming. When we think about our lives and what needs to be done we can be miserable and it can look and feel impossible. So what we need to do is break what we need to do down into little easliy achivable pieces. Then we just keep uor thoughts in the momant and start nocking off the easily achivable tasks. It is really powerful for us to give ourself the credit we deserve for everyhting we do. everything, I mean I give myself credit for giving mysellf credit. So a good way to begin to do this is to write down a few small things you want to get done the next day. Not like I want to fix my whole life in the first hour of the next day. More like Im going to check out some schools the next day and do some laundry, and clean my car.. shit thats easy to do. If you continue to do this everyday and then focus on getting this done without thinking about tomoarow or reliving yesterday then you will have a much smother time getting throught the paws and learning the proper tequniuqes to enjoy a sucsessful and peacefull recovery.

Here is a partial list of common addicit thinking.. most of us can see allot of this thinking in ourselfs when we think about it. I have been identifying and changing my thinking on all of these areas.

NSFW:


1. often become angry at or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way

2. seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process

3. are able to make a good first impression but are unable to follow through

4. have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized

5. have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes

6. are self-rejecting or self-alienated

7. are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied

8. are usually lonely even when surrounded by people

9. are chronic complainers who blame others for what's wrong with their lives

10. feel unappreciated and think they don't fit in

11. see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who "aren't there" for them

12. see everything as a catastrophe, a life-and-death situation

13. judge life in absolutes: black or white, right or wrong

14. live in the past while fearful of the future

15. have strong feelings of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment

16. fear failure and rejection and don't try new things that they might not do well

17. are obsessed with money and material things

18. dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen

19. cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others

20. prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates

21. believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves

22. often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane

23. hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings



its good to realize that the drugs were just an attempt of curbing the negative feelings created from thought patterns like these.


Your doing great Ford.. give yourself the credit you deserve. Now that the acutes are over you will need to take the next part of the journey. This is changing your thinking and behavior into something amazing. The best way to look at this I think Is your going to have to find a way to get addict enlightened. We have to change ourselfs like buddha or the other enlightened thinkers from time. If we are able to start to try and do this we will have a easier and easier time and find more and more peace.

Have you considered seeing an addiction counselor or trying the twelve step fellowships to begin this next potion of your journey?

You are doing great=D

Dont forget to avoid the pity potty we all like to climb on from time to time;)
Click to expand...

So I posted this huge, page long response to all of this, and it just...didn't post.

The jist of it was that my parents are being very supportive now after talking with the family doctor. I exercise daily and make a list of chores, and I've realized that I have it made compared to many people who don't get to go through this in the comfort of their own home.
I am very lucky, and that keeps me happy.
My parents told me they understand and will give me the time I need to focus on myself.
Everythings going as great as it can be for me. They are tapering me off of benzos but so far it hasn't been bad at all. Personally I would just as soon stop but they don't want me to relapse so, the taper goes on.

My big long speech also included a much love given to NSA, Captain.Heroin, Caseface, and Eve. Yall are simply the best, and if you are feeling down at all today, know that there is a person somewhere who would not be clean without you. You very possibly saved a family.
Pat yourself on the backs, seriously, you all took so much time to help me out, I can't thank you enough.

With love and gratitude for all the things right in my life,
-FRF
 
Last edited:
Hey, FRF! It's been a week since your last update. I hope that you've continued to stay sober and that the withdrawal symptoms have drastically subsided.
 
Hahaha yeah well I picked up the sober life after doing some research on here so long ago, never had a reason to spend any time here. I just quit smoking cigarettes a few days and was looking up coping mechanisms for withdrawal and found this dusty ol' account!

Anyways, one thread lead to another and that one to another and I stumbled upon the dark side... this dude's been doing so well I figure a check up is in order.
 
Hey Ford, how's it going, please check in even if just to say hello. We all know how hard this battle is and addiction feeds off isolation. That's why it is so important to keep up the support network. Hope to see you drop by soon. We need you too, I am detoxing myself currently so it helps me to hear from others travelling the same path.
 
Juterna welcome to Bluelight--- or should I say welcome to posting on Bluelight. Wow what a long time since you joined n no type. Welcome aboard.

Ford I second wantToBeReborn - please let us know how you are getting on. We're all thinking about you n hope you are doing ok

Evey xxxx
 
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