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Can't seem to shake this meth binging cycle...

M

muralove

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 22, 2014
Messages
1
Location
Melbourne
I'll begin by telling you a little bit about myself, I'm an 18 year old girl living in Australia. I first tried meth when I was sixteen years old, I immediately loved it and began to smoke it a few times a week with my two best friends, I never payed for it therefor it was too easy. I kept this up for almost two months before I kind of realised what I was getting myself into. Sounds stupid but when you're calling it "puff" it just glamorises it and I didn't even stop to think "Hey, you probably shouldn't be smoking crystal meth" until a good friend told me she was concerned for me, this terrified me. I immediately stopped using without any problems and didn't touch it again for about 4 months.

After not using for four months I thought I deserved to use it again as a reward for not using... doesn't make any sense but ahhhh the things you tell yourself to justify using meth. I stayed up smoking with friends for 3 nights, four days, with no sleep or food. We never even do anything when we puff, just lay around talking, go for walks, run errands etc. I stayed up for as long as I could before my money/meth had run out and I couldn't afford to anymore and I had no choice but to come down. The moment it runs out I always become overwhelmed with guilt and self loathing. I can't help but fucking hate myself for being so careless and dabbling once again in this evil drug. I will lie in bed for days and cry as I comedown. My family always know when I've been using and it just breaks their heart...I feel so guilty and angry, I just take it out on them, telling them to mind their own business and things. After I've finished coming down and feeling sorry for myself I'll promise myself that's it! you're never doing it again. Last time.

But then it happens again... It's like this cycle that I can't break no matter how bad I want to, no matter how much I tell myself to stop doing it to myself. 1-3 months after my bender I will repeat exactly the same. Typically smoking meth for 3-4 nights before I feel so weak I must stop, I run out of gear or my money is all gone. Hate myself and regret it. Repeat.

Is this cycle dangerous in anyway? I'm not a heavy user, but when I do use I certainly make the most of it... Can I do any serious damage to myself or can using this occasionally lead to full blown addiction? I'm unsure if this is a mild addiction but it worries me. Any feed back is good
 
If this psychological addiction is concerning you enough to post this, then yes - it can be harmful.
Harm can take many forms; physical, psychological, emotional, financial, social - to name but a few.
The fact that you mention your family and friends are concerned and affected by your use is some cause for concern - but I don't think being overly alarmed about the situation will help you (or them).

One thing worth answering definitively is that yes, these periodic binges most certainly can lead to serious addiction.
Most drug addicts don't start out as addicts - it's usually a gradual progression.

Meth is quite an insidious drug in terms of it's addictive potential - it can seem so harmless to begin with, but as tolerance, sleep deprivation and whatever other "side effects" (the non-pleasurable ones) begin to manifest themselves, the compulsion to use can really get a hold on you.
As far as drugs go, meth can seem quite subtle and functional at the time you're using it, and addiction can take some time for a user to even notice (in my experience anyway).
Basically if you want to stop these periods of using - and it seems to me that even though you're in two minds, you do - you have to be determined and spend a decent amount of time (at least a few months) to really begin to shake the desire to pick up the pipe.
Everybody's experience is different, but I think a lot of current/former meth users would tell you that little good can come from binging on methamphetamine - but there is so much potential for bad things to happen.

Whether you make a pact with a trusted friend, seek out some form of counselling, or just try the "willpower" quitting method (perhaps the most difficult - but again, this is subjective) - if you are able to curb and at least control the extent of your use ("every day ending with y" doesn't count!) then you will find it easier - and with less ongoing issues than if you end up using heavily for extended periods of time.
This kind of use can change the way your brain chemistry operates, and leave you without the sort of motivation and enjoyment of life that your first dalliances with amphetamine brought you; kind of like the opposite effects, but for long periods of time after obstaining.

I wish you all the best in regaining the autonomy of your body and mind that it seems you are looking for.
I know that when I stopped using meth (about a decade ago now) it became extremely undesirable to consume it after a few months away from it. Not everybody's experience is the same, but whatever support or further information you need, you've come to the right place :)
 
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Sleep deprivation is very dangerous. Binging on meth is very hazardous to your health, so I would say that yes, this cycle is dangerous in a lot of ways. You can do serious damaage and most certainly this can lead to full blown addiction, in fact, casual use is usually how almost every single addiction starts. It's not like the propaganda, use meth once and you will be selling yourself for your next hit. Or use heroin once and you'll pawn all of your families' shit for your next hit. Addiction is a lot more complicated and usually a slow, subtle and almost unnoticable until you finally realise that you are actually addicted.

Addiction doesn't just happen to those "other people". It also doesn't mean that you are a bad person, or should feel bad or be shunned by the community because for whatever reasons, you became addicted to an addictive drug.
 
It sounds like you know what you wont to do, and I hope you can do it.

Good luck.
 
Well done for acknowledging the cycle you are already finding yourself in. I did not start my meth use until much later in life when I already had so many financial and work commitments that even though I would regularly binge, bills and work had to still take priority. I always wondered if I could have done that if I had started much earlier in life.

Please be very careful with not sleeping or eating. I never usually went more than 2 nights without sleep, and force fluids, sustagen drinks, vitamins into yourself no matter what.

I cant really tell you how to end the cycle. Removing yourself from those friends and acquaintances is much easier said than done. I did not actually have the strength or will power to stop... try and try as I did. The arrangement I had stopped due to something that's happened to my dealer. Today is 8 weeks without having used. I chose to let it be the end of an era for my years and years of use and not source elsewhere, but if the supply was still there, I would be probably still using and I had started to notice things with my health that were of concern. What is was doing to my family is a whole other matter.

You know its not a healthy pattern. There's your start. Try to put longer breaks between for use. If the cycle is that this Friday you score and use until Monday, grab your best NON using friend and a tent and go camping, anything to put something other than use into the picture. Break the pattern.

I really do wish you well, but if all else fails, don't go without 'sleep, food, drink' for too long ok. Good luck.
 
Welcome to bluelight OP.

Take up new hobbys like sports, exercise, music, writing, reading(bluelight helps me a lot) and your best bet would be to distance yourself from the people you use with. I know it's easier said then done but you really gotta give it a go.

Good luck with it. Many people on this site are going through the same thing(including myself) so your not alone.
 
Yep, I will agree with the posts above. Like you, I would have meth when I visited friends in NZ and happily left it behind when I hopped on the plane leaving. Eventually it found its way to my neighbourhood, and I was there to welcome it, not taking long at all to take it up as a lifestyle option, putting it before all but the most important of bills.
Fortunately, I was offered a job that is tested for drugs and takes me Away from home for several weeks at a time, Let's call it paid rehab :-P
However, I am sure that the moment I get home I will pick up the habit again, in fact the other night I dreamed of shooting a fat syrupy whack, it was almost as good as the real thing..
So Yea, it really is the can of worms that you don't want to open, especially at a young age. I will say that I am old enough to be your father, in fact I have kids older than op, and had I have gotten onto this stuff as a young age I would be in a sorry state now.
It really will sap your chance of a fruitful life, you will never have any money, possessions, or reach anywhere near your potential for a fulfilling life.
You know those kids that go to the mountains in winter to ski? It won't be you. Sports? Nah forget about that. Nice car? Try catching the bus if you can scratch up some coins.
Whatever you want out of life, the meth bitch will make sure it remains a distant dream.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but yea, seen it happen, nearly went there myself.
Good luck with avoiding it, and that's how you may be able to treat it, just try to avoid it, each time you feel like a binge, shout yourself something nice instead and just avoid the stuff.
All the best wishes for a bright future :-)
 
The problem is how does one define 'binge'.. more than 3 loads of the pipe? staying longer than 24hrs on it? Half weight? No hard and fast rules, which makes this such a tricky issue to try and decipher.
 
Y'know, I really never thought I'd be that guy, but... here goes.

Stop using right now.

You're in the early stages yet -- meth's pleasure is at its peak. It will not get any better.
The guilt and shame you feel when you come down will not shrink, it will only grow.

Once a month will become once a week, which will become twice a week, which will become three times a week, which will become every single day you can. The desire to get on will take on the force of an instinctual biological need.

I know this for a fact. I'm currently living this fact. Please stop using ASAP. That's really all I can say.

/end being that guy.
 
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^Don't be that guy.

Now time to be that guy.

This is how I started. I am now almost 23, struggling with amphetamine addiction for years. I have just stopped using after peroidic binging that lasted way more than 48hours at a time...
No money, no house, no job, no girlfriend....Reset button has been hit.

Seriously just stop if you can. I know its hard, the cravings are overwhelming. Eventually the normal things your brain rewards you for (Eg, Just got a promotion...Just aced that test etc) Will be replaced by methamphetamine usage. (I just smoked that entire 8ball....Wheeeww! Reward, Reward, Reward). It becomes extremely hard to stop using when this has happened. The only way "out" of the gloomy tunnel it seems is to use more meth. Its a trick. Tricking yo brain to keep supplying it with a cheat bulk dopamine reward. Don't let it trick you.

She's a whore and will drag you down as far as you can go. She will not help you get back up, but once you are back up she will be there again. Be careful, drop your using friends and start trying to get real life hobbies.
 
bit_pattern said:
This is best advice for anyone who seriously wants to stop.
Click to expand...

Can be pretty hard though... Has anyone successfully done this?
I literally have no friends who don't use, or who won't put me in a situation around people who have had/might use again. (The kind of people that I can't get together with, and vice versa because we are bad influence on each other).
My other friends I have pretty much fucked off during my use...If they haven't disapeared I've done something to piss them off.
If they don't hate me, I find relating to them pretty tough. I have to put on an act the whole time I am with them.

Some of my using friends are 10+ years old friends..
 
Rahcookiemonster said:
Can be pretty hard though... Has anyone successfully done this?
Click to expand...

I have but I have a predilection for isolating myself from things. No, it's probably jot easy but is potentially a lot easier than constantly relapsing into meth binges. But, you know, whatever, people have their own lessons to learn and their own rock-bottoms to explore *shrugs*

EDIT:

I literally have no friends who don't use, or who won't put me in a situation around people who have had/might use again. (The kind of people that I can't get together with, and vice versa because we are bad influence on each other).
My other friends I have pretty much fucked off during my use...If they haven't disapeared I've done something to piss them off.
If they don't hate me, I find relating to them pretty tough. I have to put on an act the whole time I am with them.

Some of my using friends are 10+ years old friends..
Click to expand...

Hmm, saw the rest of your post after I'd already replied to the first sentence. I dunno man, that sounds tough but - at the end of the day - you gotta decide what is right for you. I chose sanity and health over my social life and, yeah, I suffered because of it. I've been lonely but, looking back, I wouldn't want anything to do with those people now and I couldn't fathom doing drugs like meth ever again.

The OP is only twenty, she has an opportunity to avoid spending a decade associating onyl with drug people. In the decade I did drugs, there's only one or two people from that era that I'm prepared to associate with - that was a waste of time in that sense. The OP could do well to break connections now than wait ten years like we did :\
 
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Hardy har har har this is BL not Bankstown

10+ year friendships

And honestly OP you've realized the addiction which is an absolutely critical step. Whether you want to tame this beast safely or quit altogether, it is up to you but truly, you really only have everything to gain (like stable moods, money, better relationship with your family) if you do decide to quit.


Hoping you chime in here again and say everything's all good.
 
Excellent advice form all the posters above. Especially the comment about addiction turning into an "instinctual biological desire". Bravo. It does. It can get to the point where you are addicted and have maybe got a week or two of sobriety in, then the mere god damn THOUGHT of meth will send physical cravings of excitement, pleasure and extreme alertness, wanting/needing and euphoria. This is without getting high, just by thinking about it doing it "tonight". Try and turn away from that if you can...fact is, once you are in that deep, the odds are stacked up against you of coming out in one piece. People have psychotic hallucinations on this drug, they see shadow people or the local SWAT team, but still can NOT STOP using. Think about that.

Quit, while you are ahead.
 
muralove said:
Sounds stupid but when you're calling it "puff" it just glamorises it and I didn't even stop to think "Hey, you probably shouldn't be smoking crystal meth" until a good friend told me she was concerned for me, this terrified me. I immediately stopped using without any problems and didn't touch it again for about 4 months.

After not using for four months I thought I deserved to use it again as a reward for not using... doesn't make any sense but ahhhh the things you tell yourself to justify using meth
Click to expand...

Don't call yourself "stupid", not in real life or on here. And don't label yourself. Welcome to the forums and enjoy safe drug use from this day forward. (or abstinence)
 
Rahcookiemonster said:
Can be pretty hard though... Has anyone successfully done this?
I literally have no friends who don't use, or who won't put me in a situation around people who have had/might use again. (The kind of people that I can't get together with, and vice versa because we are bad influence on each other).
My other friends I have pretty much fucked off during my use...If they haven't disapeared I've done something to piss them off.
If they don't hate me, I find relating to them pretty tough. I have to put on an act the whole time I am with them.

Some of my using friends are 10+ years old friends..
Click to expand...
Yep I've ditched a shitload of them. However I use other stuff ("RC's" mostly) and only use meth once every blue moon. Meth mates I found are not real friends and are just out to use you for money and drugs. Some still try to contact me years later on the odd chance I've got a sample of meth (better luck raising the Titanic) or at least some random PEA or tryptamine psychedelic laying around. Some people can use it once or twice a year and as I've gotten older when I get good quality shard the come down is so god awful it puts me off the shit for 6 months or more.

Good luck OP but when the come down makes you feel like it does for me you will steer well fucking clear even if your one or two remaining friends who occasionally use themselves have the purest rock going (the better the quality the longer and harder the comedown) or you can just use dirty shit and watch your body turn to shit. Neither prospect is super appealing IMO.
 
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