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Friends and getting older

angeleyes

angeleyes

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Joined
Mar 18, 2013
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Oh no, where am I?
Hi everyone

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic tonight

I finished school a couple years ago and since then I've watched the amount of "friends" drop from hundreds to a handful, as time progressed that handful slimmed quickly.

I'm worried that idk, I'm never gonna find any "real" friends out there that don't know the real me, haven't experienced me and actually truly "know" me that some of the people I grew up with do, despite the fact that I barely hang out with many people I grew up with due to the fact many of them fucked me over one way or another (legit) or just dropped contact and don't have the general "spark" our friendships once had, and the next 50 years of my life are gonna be old, shitty, mature and just generally very fucking lonely.


This thought crosses my mind a lot and tbh gets me very depressed as I think about a bleak future. I quit drugs recently so this is only kind of making the concept of a mature life so much more daunting.

I should be remembering that more people don't do drugs than people who do, but when your 20 and spend the last 7 years of your life in "the scene" and hanging out with "that crowd" this is all just what I'm used to, I'm moving this week so I'm gonna know even less people when I move interstate.


I'm hoping some older bluelighters can tell me that life only gets better from here? And I should smile and I should get out of bed tomorrow?
 
make new friends? friendships wax and wane over time.

i have friends i haven't seen for years that when we chat its like we were there yesterday. basically people grow out of each other, new people arrive. get a varied life and get jobs where you meet people.

education/housemates has been the best source of friendships, work is okay but when you associate someone with being bored and you getting paid when you see them in real life its not always as good as education friends. but saying that i have one good friend from a job i had.

you need to make the effort with new people and its a numbers game. for every 100-200 people only maybe 1 person will jump out as friendworthy to me and even then that friendship is dependent in the early stages on proximity and meeting regularly

i think you're painting an unnecessarily bleak picture
 
Tbh if I said the 'bad thoughts' didn't creep up on me unusually weird tonight I'd be lying, so re: blank picture I think you're totally right

& for that I do thank you!

I'm just feeling very worried about how anyone that I'll ever meet won't know a thing about me, who I am, where I've come from, what I know and how I've experienced it because they weren't there or knew me way back when, does that make any sense?

I'm afraid people will never understand and comprehend the many weird layers that is me

But if I keep worrying and thinking like this I should be more concerned on initially meeting people cuz I'll only scare the fuck out of them and be called an oddball for the rest of my days aye?

I'll be starting a diploma and be moving in with house mates so I guess I would be meeting the best people of my life pretty soon? (COLLEGE BUDDIES?)
 
Ok, older Bluelighter here, telling you that life DOES get better from here.

The thing is this...most of us, as we get older and gain more experiences, also gain a much better understanding and confidence of who we are.

I have gone through MANY phases in life, and have had close friends at all phases. What has happened to me is that I have retained the "best" of the people from those times while the others have naturally fallen away, only to be replaced with new friends who know me as I am now.

You are just getting started on this journey, my friend. As you get older it really does get easier to be your own quirky, unique self and you will most definitely acquire a set of friends who know and love you for who you are going to become.
 
its a lonely individualized world out there.

most people don't have friends outside of a spouse or gf/bf.

real talk.

and it get worse if you have kids. just look at your parents and your friends' parents.
 
I can relate OP. I'm 26 and have been thinking about this recently; my best friend I haven't seen in well over a year because he's working abroad, and now after seeing him again this christmas (which was great) he's off again for a year, maybe more. We've known each other since school, done loads of drugs together, share very similar philosophical and political views, have a similar banter etc. A lot of people from school I was friends with are also disappearing out of the country, or getting married and settling down. That's life unfortunately, but count your fucking blessings that you've even been able to have what you've had. Seriously. Those moments you've shared can't be bought. And you will have more in the future. The dynamic changes. You will change. Your views, beliefs, who you are, it won't remain static. You'll open up to people, and people will also open up to you. Whilst age brings greater distance between people it also brings greater humility. People who would not have gotten along 20 years prior now can respect the fact they're both just silly little humans and can relate through that medium.

"I've never had friends later on like the ones when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?" - Stand By Me (film).
 
8 months ago I moved to a different city, got sober and deleted the phone numbers of every single person I knew besides my parents and my ex girlfriend (the one i still talk to from a while back, and she lives on the other side of the country anyway, along with my parents.)

So I have had to try and make new friends starting basically from scratch. It's been one of the most difficult 8 months of my life. I have only gotten close to one person, and she recently left me and needs an unspecified and possibly indefinite amount of "space" where she doesn't want to talk to me even though she still cares for me, apparently.

So basically back to square one, and I totally feel for you and relate. I read that you quit doing drugs - Have you tried going to any AA/NA meetings? specifically young peoples meetings. Even if you don't need to work the steps or get seriously involved, they can still be a great source of potential friends that don't use drugs. Have you thought about taking some classes at a community college? I saw that you say you finished school, but it can never hurt to take a couple random classes you're interested in and meet some people through them. I just started back in school today so I'll be doing my best to meet people in my classes.

Otherwise, basically the point is that I'm struggling with the same thing but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel regardless of whether or not I can see it yet, I know it's there. It can be difficult at first but just try and force yourself to be more outgoing and talk to random people. I've been starting to force myself over the last couple weeks, and have made a bunch of new acquaintances that I am hoping will develop into friendships - Time will tell but I know one thing is for sure, If I continue sitting around sorry for myself like I did the first 7 months I was sober then nothing will ever change and I really will die alone. You have to be the change you want to see in your life! :)
 
Thanks everyone for their kind and true words :)

I haven't tried going to any AA/NA meetings because they really aren't as popular in Aus than compared to the USA and I believe I can tackle this but I really like the concept of a bunch of people getting together that all want to be clean.

I'll look into it aye :)


I've been starting to force myself over the last couple weeks, and have made a bunch of new acquaintances that I am hoping will develop into friendships - Time will tell but I know one thing is for sure, If I continue sitting around sorry for myself like I did the first 7 months I was sober then nothing will ever change and I really will die alone. You have to be the change you want to see in your life!
Click to expand...

I'll definitely keep this close to heart, cheers Case really appreciate it :)
 
nooneanymore said:
its a lonely individualized world out there.

most people don't have friends outside of a spouse or gf/bf.

real talk.

and it get worse if you have kids. just look at your parents and your friends' parents.
Click to expand...

this is bullshit because some people are sociable and some are not so there will be great variation in how much effort different people put into maintaining their social relationships.

its easy to make friend and yes you have to pan the gold from the silt but socializing even in shallow but enjoyable acquaintances is still great fun.

you will always meet weird and wonderful people but if you sit on your ass thinking poor me and expect negative outcomes that is all you will get.

alcohol for all its flaws does bond people quickly and artificially simply because the guard gets let down and thats is difficult to happen otherwise. tripping really bonds people tight too.


the one defining feature of a successful friendship is a shared sense of humour and if you meet enough people one of these types will come along. its a numbers game. as beachcat said, many phases many opportunities some go and some stay. all part of the game...
 
I'm 23, I don't talk to anyone from high school still, I talk to a few people who I met while I was in college but I met them when partying so that's probably why I still talk to them. Then my boyfriend, who I met during college. Oh, I do have one friend who I met in university.

Friends can come and go. Eventually you may meet a friend who just sticks with you.

Honestly, I've changed so much from high school and even college, I don't think I'd be able to be great friends with my friends from then anyway.
 
I feel like I have changed dramatically myself in the last few years so it's pretty good to see someone who has embraced the change and has seen it work, I'm changing more and more every day but I'm still "me".... It's weird and I'm trying to figure it out. I'm noticing a lot of other people changing and I'm really not liking it.
 
Get 2 34 n 1/2

if u have 5 real friends u good. Trust ,


I see that young uns r doing rehab @ 20/2

I would never do it but i think that it is a load of bollox .

Serious

@ such a young age those places are not a healthy enviroment 4 development . One must make mistakes to learn not go on a bloody course.
 
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I've lost contact with many mates. I only speak to one old school mate and he's my best friend. I can really only count my closest friends on one hand and it dosent phase me. I don't see these people too often either, but it dosent worry me. Most of the time I'm perfectly happy to chill out alone.

Everyone is different though. I'm sure if I didn't become so introverted after years of drug use I probabaly wouldn't think this way, but that's just my experience :)
 
this is something I have been thinking about as I have gotten older...

in my younger days I was also abound in the music scene and lived in places that were usually the hedonistic base of said music scenes. I'm fairly extroverted, and I had many many friends back in these days... however, I noticed as you get older, those extraneous friends kind of drop off and the friends that matter stick by you through thick and through thin. while I do miss having hundreds of friends on speed dial, it is also great truly knowing that this smaller set of friends has your back, as they truly know you and accept you as a person. I guess it just comes with the territory of getting older?

well anyways man you should have no problem meeting anybody. through our talks, it's easy to see that you're a very interesting dude, smart, fun, and good-natured

traveling to a new place is a legit reason to get nervous, but just keep an open mind and talk to everybody you meet. I'm the kind of person that likes to bullshit with anybody, and you come across the same way. just keep yourself open to new people and I am 100 percent sure you will meet enough friends out there in this world :)
 
I have a few girlfriends who have come and gone. It's harder when you get older, but you can still make friends. I miss a few of them a lot! This is why I like facebook. I get to keep in touch with them somewhat.

I've befriended a couple of guys from my old job, but I prefer my girlfriends. Having girlfriends is so much better. Most of my friends have been through my jobs. You can make some good friends from work.

I just had dinner with a couple of friends I made at work 10 years ago. We've been friends for that long. It's just that they have lives and can't hang out every weekend like before!
 
I suppose it depends on what your needs are.

People tend to find purpose in work and family. Those two things take up most folks time as they age.

Being a young twenty-something is a prime time and can never be repeated.

That doesn't mean there is no hope. It just means that you will have to consider making more of an effort future.

I have many friends that know me well enough to pick up with after long pauses inbetween. I also feel that Facebook is great for keeping up with those that I made the most strong connections with.
 
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I'm your age and do understand what you mean, but even though I can't tell you it gets better later, I don't really think it's anything to worry about - it's normal for friends to wane a bit over the years, especially at your age since it's a time when people are really developing/evolving and starting to find new pathways in life etc. I think your best bet if you're worried about not finding people who can really get to know and understand you is to join some kind of activity where you could find like-minded people. AA/NA was suggested which isn't really the same but would definitely be a good place to start I think. In any case, try not to obsess over it too much since I think that would probably be the best way to actually have trouble finding people. Chin up :)
 
Noodle said:
Being a young twenty-something is a prime time and can never be repeated.

That doesn't mean there is no hope. It just means that you will have to consider making more of an effort future.
Click to expand...

True enough, being in your young twenties can't be repeated, but you can still make good friends after that. At age 20, do you find the same things interesting as you do when you're 30? Likely not. Things change. Your friends change too. Some may stick around. But, when you have new interests, and when you're somewhere else in your life, then you will find new friends that way.

Pagey said:
In any case, try not to obsess over it too much since I think that would probably be the best way to actually have trouble finding people.
Click to expand...

Yep! Don't obsess too much over it! The more you think about it, the less of a chance you have of making actual friendships. Because you overthink things. Just let things be... meet people, see how things go, etc.

:)
 
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