Wow, thanks to both of you guys. I really do appreciate the feedback. I figure that the info I've put into my posts may have helped people in some way, but it's a rare and precious thing when someone actually expresses their gratitude directly. If I get one positive message per every few hundred posts, then it's enough to spur me on
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Catching Fish, that's a perfectly reasonable question to ask, as far as I'm concerned. I've been posting very personal things for many months now on here - the reason being that I believe members and guests of this forum have potentially more to gain in knowing the details of my life and issues, rather than me trying to keep them hidden away. Maybe someone will read something I write, and it will be very familiar to them and they'll feel a little less alone. Or perhaps through my words and communication here, I will be able to show people (including authorities monitoring the site?) that there are a wide spectrum of drug users in Australia.
Basically, to answer your question, I don't think about trying to quit opiates. I don't want to. I'm also a benzo addict, and that's something that I do very much want to be free from. I'm working on that, slowly.
I don't really care much for labels (diagnoses), but I think it's safe to say that I have clinical depression. It's not much of a surprise as it runs steadily like toxic river down the generations on my mother's side. She has it, too (my mother is depressed, I mean). My maternal grandmother spent a couple of years in a psychiatric hospital when my mother was very young. So depressive episodes, sometimes of a severe intensity, seem to be a genetic feature in my family.
Unforunately, my father was also a depressed man. He died about seven years ago due to liver disease. He drank too much for too long. He was 53.
So, my life has had its ups and downs, but to be honest nothing that's ever happened to me in 'real' life compares to the random episodes of all consuming despair that I've endured since I was around 14 years old. I think the term 'depression' is overused these days, and I'm certain that anti-depressants are overprescribed. What disturbs me is that the medical community seems increasingly to be treating normal reactions to traumatic life experiences as depression and then just writing a script for SSRIs or benzos or whatever.
There's a difference between an emotional response brought about by something happens in a person's life that causes them disappointment or unhappiness, and intense feelings of misery and despair which appear and disappear completely 'out of sync' with the events in a person's life. The latter has been my experience. You know, when I went to my father's funeral I felt deeply upset. That's grief. That's normal. The thing is, I've felt that very same feeling - a feeling of loss which is almost unbearable - more times than I could possibly count, starting from my early teens. The intensity of the emotion is so strong, that I use an enormous amount of energy just to 'put it away' so that I can attempt to live some kind of life.
I spent years - from age 17 - exploring anything and everything to try and find out what the hell was wrong with me, and why I couldn't seem to shake these awful episodes. I have done many kinds of exercise; cycling, weight lifting, boxing, yoga, etc. I have tried many kinds of diet; no processed foods, only organic foods, vegetarian, eatign whatever I want whenever, and of course, not eating. I've done a handful of 'fasts' in my life. Usually just 48 hours, but some where a bit longer.
The result from these things, each of which I put all my energy into doing properly and for at least six months a shot, was that I felt very physically healthy. Mentally, however, the depression came and went just as it always had. I have tried four different anti-depressants over the last 14 years, with breaks between each of one to two years, so I know pretty well what it feels like to be on or off ADs. A lot of people hate on anti-depressants, and I believe that's because they didn't really need them. Doctors prescribe them too often. I responded extremely well to two of the medications, OK to one other, and terribly to the fourth.
I've been a drinker and drug user since around 15 years old. I've had periods of very heavy use, and also extended periods of abstinence.
I've seen three counsellors, one psychologist, and two psychiatrists. The psychologist meant well and genuinely tried to help me and understand me. However, I'm afraid that none of them said or did anything which got through the barrier that exists around me.
So, the point I'm getting at, is that I've tried - been trying - to sort myself out for about fifteen years now. And I realise, that ultimately, it doesn't make any difference. Well, actually, if I exercise and eat well, I do feel better. If I eat badly and abuse too many drugs, I feel crappy. But those two variables cannot compare, cannot get even close, to the power of the changes of mood I experience. A bout of depression for me can last three days, or two months. The in-between periods of respite are the same. The only constant is that they come, and they go of their own will.
So, about two years ago, I pretty much gave up completely. I've tried lots of things, adn tried again, and then again to make sure. Nothing makes a difference. The closest I got to normal is using opiates. I will also take virtually any other drug that provides some distraction. It is very hard for people to understand this, and to my surprise some people seem to be personally offended by my attitude. "You can't give up!" they say. "You just have to find the right < insert whatever they think the answer is>".
But I'm very, very tired now from trying this and that the other. So I take it day by day. I use the opiates I can get and other stuff, too. And I just exist.
I'm not a hermit. I have some truly wonderful friends. I've also been in a relationship with a girl for just under six years now, and it's by far the best relationship I've ever had - and I've had a couple of really good ones, so I mean this one's special.
I also make electronic music - a hobby which I'm truly passionate about.
So, I have a life. And it's got lots of great things about it. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not angry at anyone. But I have this ... whatever you wanna call it... condition, that is a part of my core and when an episode fires up, taht's it - life goes on hold. No music, no talking, no leaving the house. It's like my soul just gets up and leaves for an unspecified length of time and then, suddenly, I'll snap out of it.
So what the fuck is that all about, eh? The million dollar question. I don't know, and as I've spent my whole adult life searching for the answer, and twisting my lifestyle around like a Rubik's Cube trying to find the right 'position' or 'sequence', I don't feel I'm any closer to figuring it out, and I wonder if in fact there's nothing to figure out, and that's simply a chemical deficiency which hasn't been properly identified or treated.
I don't know.
But I am increasingly detached from caring about it, and when I can take enough, opiates help me to 'un-pause' life when it goes on hold, so I use them and will continue to do so. If I could afford to, I'd up the dose, even though my tolerance is already high. As I said, I take it day by day.
Sorry, long ramble there. But really, thanks Catching Fish for asking and you too Dr Phibes for the kind words. It means a lot
