Having a lot of trouble right now and I'm scared.

[caseface99]

Thank you NSA. You may be right about not trying to take the chem right now. I mean, If I am able to get into chem my plan was to drop the english this semester, and just do the chem, pre calc, and college planning elective - But even that might be too much. If i recall correctly the English is 4 credits, the Pre calc is 5 and the college planning elective is 3. The chem was 5 plus 2 or 3 from the required lab as well. So that would be a LOT.

My long term plan is to transfer to UC Santa Cruz - I love the campus, absolutely love it. The location, the atmosphere, the people everything. I've researched their undergrad and graduate programs as well and it looks like a good fit and not reaching to far at all with admission. I was considering transferring to a community college in Santa Cruz next year in order to start meeting people there and get situated, and eventually transfer to UCSC more easily than i would from here. (Yes, the girl goes to UCSC - Quite honestly no matter what happens with her i want to do this - I'm sure of that, plus i have nothing tying me down here, no close friends or anything, so why not move anywhere that i really want to move if I have the ability to do so?)


Went running again today. HOLY SHIT. The improvement from yesterday to today... It's fucking incredible. Not only did I run significantly further total than i did yesterday, I didn't stop to walk and catch my breath. not even once. It only took one fucking day to reform the elasticity of my lungs... I never would have imagined... I was actually able to go until my leg muscles were reaching their limit today - rather than stopping because i couldn't breath. I'm guessing that switching mainly to vaporizing, from smoking regular cigs, has made a big difference as well. Just didn't notice as much because i hadn't done cardio until now.

I think I'm gonna stick with running everyday. I could really use a a daily escape that's actually healthy for me - followed up with sit ups and pushups as well as 10-15 mins of meditation again today. I think I'll keep that in the routine as well, and slightly increase the distance ran and time meditated as well as number of sit ups and pushups everyday until I reach about an hour of time required, then do that everyday. I think even once school starts I'll be able to commit one hour everyday.


Still feeling really down mentally about my situation, but starting to feel a little bit better about myself for taking steps to improve my quality of life rather than sit around bitching about it. One step at a time, one day at a time.

 

[herbavore]

Wow! That's amazing that you were able to run so much better today.

Cabrillo is a great school and an automatic transfer to UCSC. Both my kids started there and my husband and I both went there at various points in our lives. All of us were happy with the education we got there when we went on. UCSanta Cruz is my alma mater and I loved it there, too. I hope you can realize your goal of ending up there--I think it would be a good fit for you.

I'm really glad to hear that you are feeling better about yourself even though you are still down.

 

[neversickanymore]

Thank you NSA. You may be right about not trying to take the chem right now. I mean, If I am able to get into chem my plan was to drop the english this semester, and just do the chem, pre calc, and college planning elective - But even that might be too much. If i recall correctly the English is 4 credits, the Pre calc is 5 and the college planning elective is 3. The chem was 5 plus 2 or 3 from the required lab as well. So that would be a LOT.

way to much.. IMO keep the english and wait on the chem

Went running again today. HOLY SHIT. The improvement from yesterday to today... It's fucking incredible. Not only did I run significantly further total than i did yesterday, I didn't stop to walk and catch my breath. not even once. It only took one fucking day to reform the elasticity of my lungs... I never would have imagined... I was actually able to go until my leg muscles were reaching their limit today - rather than stopping because i couldn't breath. I'm guessing that switching mainly to vaporizing, from smoking regular cigs, has made a big difference as well. Just didn't notice as much because i hadn't done cardio until now.

I think I'm gonna stick with running everyday. I could really use a a daily escape that's actually healthy for me - followed up with sit ups and pushups as well as 10-15 mins of meditation again today. I think I'll keep that in the routine as well, and slightly increase the distance ran and time meditated as well as number of sit ups and pushups everyday until I reach about an hour of time required, then do that everyday. I think even once school starts I'll be able to commit one hour everyday.

YES YES YES.. this made me grin from ear to ear case

 

[caseface99]

Thanks Herb and nsa.

Went to a meeting and heard my sponsor speak tonight. I've heard him as the main speaker at an event with a few hundred people and at a handful of other meetings, but some of the shit he said tonight was truly profound. I met up with him after the meeting and discussed the amend's I was able to make while back in Jersey. Talked with him a bit about how I've been feeling and the things I've been doing to make my situation better. I think he has trouble understanding the nature of my difficulties with making friends, but he does seem to have some good advice and things to say most of the time.

I was talking to friend girl just now and through the conversation came to an amazing realization - The concept of participating in ones own life. Simple, but profound - I think I'm beginning to see just how worth it the struggle is, and it will give me that much more motivation to succeed.

Honestly, no matter how difficult my feelings and emotions are to deal with right now, especially everything concerning the girl - I'm beginning to realize and accept that some good can come of this. Just in the last few days since I sort of broke down I have been making amazing strides of progress, working towards making a better future for myself. I will continue to hope and pray that she will be a part of that future, but no matter what happens, I won't let it hold me back from participating in my own life.

 

[Maya]

^that's great case I'm glad you are seeing the positive from this.

I was with this guy for 4 yrs. (By far the longest relationship I was in and it was the relationship where I've learned so much about myself after the breakup. We were two different people after all and I realized that I wanted something more in a type of relationship wgere I don't have to compromise all the time. I was blinded by love and it is normal to feel hurt and emotional but if we did not break up I wouldn't be happy because there were things that just weren't right for both me and him so ending it was the best way to go.

 

[caseface99]

Meh. Feeling worse again about things today. But I only got two hours of sleep last night so I'm sure that's contributing. finally got my california drivers license this morning, so At least I got that done. And Surprisingly I didn't have any issues at the DMV. I KNOW I have traffic tickets and infraction citations that i never took care of, some of which turn into warrants if not paid. So I guess I got lucky and slipped through the cracks in the system... again.

However hitting the dmv was also the last "errand" I needed to run this week, and I don't really have anything I need to do now.
Haven't gone running yet today but probably gonna get changed and go do that after this post. Just really exhausted from only 2 hours of sleep, running the last couple days, waking up early for the DMV, stress, etc. I know skipping a day with running is just going to lead to me skipping days all the time and eventually just not even continue doing it - so I'm gonna force myself. I dunno... Just really depressed again today which sucks cause i really was starting to feel a bit better yesterday.

I went to a used book store earlier and bought a couple books by Pema Chodron, about tackling fears and depression and cultivating happiness from a buddhist perspective. I've heard great things about the author so I'm hoping i read something that helps change my perspective on things - or rather shows me how to change my perspective myself.

Anyway, gonna go run. Really sad and sitting here right now thinking is making it worse, I think I'm beginning to like running because it allows me to escape for a little bit similar to drugs, and I don't have to think about shit while doing it. except in a healthy way.


Thank you for the continued support everyone.

 

[thedawn]

hi caseface,I read your posts.
that loneliness that creeps into your soul and makes you cold.it's devastating.
where are my friends?loved ones?people that care?
they are somewhere else.

I don't know,I would try to work on MYSELF and myself only.
other addicts and mental patients relapse and commit suicide.that's the way it goes.
you might don't want to hang around those kinds of people.no disrespect though.jesus,I've been there…

loss is extremely hard.someone was there,then suddenly he's gone.
my best friend,Josh,killed himself by overdose.
it's a cruel world out there.

 

[caseface99]

Been getting more and more depressed again all day. To be honest, I think yesterday I may have been a bit happier because the ex and I were talking for a bit, without bringing up anything thats going on and just kinda talked like everything was fine. I must have temporarily forgotten that it wasn't.

I understand where people are coming from when they mention "well that's why no relationships the first year..." - but I'm confident I'm not about to relapse and frankly last time I got dumped, before I did drugs back in high school, It felt similar to this. I didn't really have any real friends back then either, which is kinda why I'm tripping on this right now because I've never had friends other than when I used drugs. Never in my life other than while using... There was periods of time when I had people that I would hang out with but they were assholes and not "friends". I also realized why I stopped meditating over the last 6 months. Because When I sit down to meditate I allow myself to feel the true level of sadness inside me.


Anyway, I don't want to turn this thread into a blog. Thanks all of you, again, for the support.


Edit- clearly something has changed mentally because I just used the word "ex" for the first time while referring to her. I guess I'm not holding onto the hope anymore that this will remain a break with intentions of staying together. Which is probably for the best because I won't start healing and I won't try as hard as I can to make friends if I'm hung up on one person, no matter how painful it is (not to mention that we are college aged kids that live 2 hours apart, not actively trying to stay close to each other.. there never really was any real hope there I don't think).

 

[thedawn]

it seems like you need to LET GO of the girl.i don't know.
maybe find out who you want to be in life.
other people can't define you.

i was lonely till I realized we're all lonely and it's ok.