STDs and a sex life?

[Cohesion]

There seems to be support forums for this type of thing, but I prefer the attitudes of us BL'ers rather than that gushy feel-good support lingo.

I have HSV-2 (herpes, genital) and HPV (genital warts). Something has been showing up on my skin a few times per year, and when it does they are minimally invasive and eliminated within 2 weeks. When neither are present, which is about 48 weeks out of the year, the risk of contracting these two viruses is very low but still present. Reasonable people are choosing not to take this risk with me, and it's starting to diminish my self-worth in a big way.

According to the CDC website, 1 in 6 Americans have HSV-2 and even more have HPV. Yet, who is talking about it? Who is admitting to having had these things? It seems only me, and then: Repeated denial. What this means is simply that I am feeling inferiority complex and low self-worth. Yes, sex is this important to me at this point in my life. For my own mental health, I have considered not informing anymore. In 3 years I have never spread a virus to my knowledge. I had 3 false negatives in the time I was not informing; I received a true positive for HSV-2 just last month. So there was a period of time I was having sex freely without mention of it. True that this history is antecdotal, but I want it to be enough justification to stop informing, end the rejection. The rejection... Can you imagine?

Do you have either of these viruses? Do you inform about past breakouts? A similar thread here in the past revealed that people did not inform new partners if they had genital warts a year or more back. Since HPV is a virus, this is misrepresentation by omission...

What would you recommend? I have emotional and physical deficits due to this repeated rejection. I even met the man of my dreams, believe it or not, and we are like loving friends but no sex. All because of a "less than 1% chance".

To save speculation, the fact is this: HPV and HSV are spread via skin-to-skin contact, meaning condoms only reduce but do not eliminate the chances of transmission. For those who have had one HSV blister in the past, or who have not even shown signs of it, the virus intermittently "leaks" through the surface of the skin near the genital area. Though most of the time this is not happening, it is a possibility and therefore the risk of contracting these viruses can never be 0%. Who knows this? Is it just me?

 

[missmeyet?]

Wow, that really sucks, what a dilemma and how brave of you for speaking out about it and for also taking the responsibility seriously of making sure you have been informing people when I am sure that has to be super hard. I can totally understand how it would hurt your self esteem and confidence in a big way.

I think that even though the percentage is sooo low of transmitting it if you are careful that most people who aren't already in a committed relationship with someone (already have feelings invested in it) are probably just not going to want to take that chance. It sucks because you are right in that most of them have probably already been exposed at least to the HPV before and are possibly even carriers and just do not realize it. I think a lot of people don't realize that it is that common and once it has been said out loud it is just human nature to shy away. That being said I also think that someone who really cares will still be able to commit and be ok with it but I don't think that this is going to happen very easily outside of a committed relationship or with just casual dating or sex and it will probably, with most people, be hard to get a relationship going in the beginning if that is put out there right away.

At what point are you telling people about it? Not to sound like I am calling you or implying that you are promiscuous but (hope I put it that right way so that it does not sound offensive to you) is it frequently coming up due to casual encounters? I guess what I am asking is how soon into dating or seeing someone do you usually have sexual contact?

Maybe you should wait about saying anything until it gets to the point where sex seems to be inevitable (I don't mean like as you are taking off your clothes! ). Save sex for when you are interested in a more than casual relationship and don't say anything in the very beginning. If you tell someone right away before they do have anything invested in you or the relationship regarding feelings then it is super easy for them to walk away. If you wait til things have evolved a little then they will think about it a little harder before they make a decision about what to do (at least people with a little maturity to them will).

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you approximately? I mean, what is the general age group of guys that you are dealing with in this matter? That will probably make a big difference too. I guarantee you that at least some of the people who don't want to have anything to do with dealing with this have probably already been exposed somewhere else, they just don't know it. Guys especially can carry the HPV virus without any outer symptoms for a long time, meanwhile infecting many unsuspecting women.

Good luck.

 

[Cohesion]

Right now I have been advised by my friend to wait a minimum of 6 months before looking for a relationship as I'm not emotionally ready. So, I am also looking for a regular sex partner, friends with benefits (aka casual) is fine. It's something I really need, a man in my bed a few times per week. I am 30.

Practically speaking, what should I do? I want a regular sex partner.

 

[Pagey]

Aah...it's a bit tough to recommend you on this one because I think you probably know what most people will say and to be honest I wouldn't feel slightly responsible if I advised you not to inform your potential sexual partners. It might be less than 1% chance, and I can't imagine how frustrating that must be for you, but try considering how you would feel if that >1% chance did actually come to life one day and you gave someone this virus. I don't know, from my point of view I think you should continue to inform people just because it's 'the right thing' to do, but there's really only so much I can say. In any case I wish you the best of luck with it.

 

[Animal Mother]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you approximately? I mean, what is the general age group of guys that you are dealing with in this matter? That will probably make a big difference too. I guarantee you that at least some of the people who don't want to have anything to do with dealing with this have probably already been exposed somewhere else, they just don't know it. Guys especially can carry the HPV virus without any outer symptoms for a long time, meanwhile infecting many unsuspecting women.

Good luck.

Guys can carry High Risk HPV with no symptons. And then it only affects 1 in 1000 women. The women affected are generally have a predisposed genetic weakness/proneness to cancer. If a guy has genital warts ( low risk HPV ), then he will know it. Otherwise, he effectively does not have it.

Women are bad about spreading genital warts, because they can be small enough for a OBGYN to miss, or may not be on the more focused on cervex. The problem is that it will be inside of them, so they don't even realize that they're spreading it.

I think that women are as bad, or worse about spreading high risks though. They simply don't show symptoms either.


I have high risk ( I believe ) from a past girlfriend that had cervical cancer. When I have sex, I try to use a condom as often as possible. I don't tell girls though. I'm not certain, and there's no way to be tested, and the chance of it doing anything is going to be pretty low.

 

[Animal Mother]

Right now I have been advised by my friend to wait a minimum of 6 months before looking for a relationship as I'm not emotionally ready. So, I am also looking for a regular sex partner, friends with benefits (aka casual) is fine. It's something I really need, a man in my bed a few times per week. I am 30.

Practically speaking, what should I do? I want a regular sex partner.

My ex's aunt had HIV, and told me that she met her husband on www.positivesingles.com

You could check that out.

 

[Cohesion]

Well, that doesn't sound terrifying or anything.

 

[Noodle]

Okay.

The answer is NO if you respect others.

...seems more complicated than your last mark can handle.

IMO of course.

 

[95Land]

Well, that doesn't sound terrifying or anything.

Sounds like the guy's just trying to help and, IMO, it doesn't seem like that bad a idea for your situation.

 

[Cohesion]

I signed up for it and added a photo and everything but it makes me feel nauseous. And like violent feelings.

 

[missmeyet?]

Guys can carry High Risk HPV with no symptons. And then it only affects 1 in 1000 women. The women affected are generally have a predisposed genetic weakness/proneness to cancer. If a guy has genital warts ( low risk HPV ), then he will know it. Otherwise, he effectively does not have it.

Women are bad about spreading genital warts, because they can be small enough for a OBGYN to miss, or may not be on the more focused on cervex. The problem is that it will be inside of them, so they don't even realize that they're spreading it.

I think that women are as bad, or worse about spreading high risks though. They simply don't show symptoms either.


I have high risk ( I believe ) from a past girlfriend that had cervical cancer. When I have sex, I try to use a condom as often as possible. I don't tell girls though. I'm not certain, and there's no way to be tested, and the chance of it doing anything is going to be pretty low.

I apologize if I had some of my facts incorrect and please forgive if it came across as I was "blaming" men for spreading it about as that is certainly not how I meant it..that it was mens fault anymore than it was a womans. I will have to do a little research on the topic as it has been a bit since I have looked at anything regarding it. The only people who I guess could really be blamed would be those who know for certain that they are exposing others and not telling their sex partner that it is a risk for them.

 

[95Land]

I signed up for it and added a photo and everything but it makes me feel nauseous. And like violent feelings.

I understand nausea as it can relate to nervousness and/or the continued process of moving away and free from denial and the realizations that come with it. That kind of nausea?
Violent feelings? That could be concerning. Can you expound on that a bit?

 

[floatingaround]

^I think she means "violent" as in anxiety, fear, nervousness etc.

Good on you for signing up. And I know things can't be easy, I can't imagine how it must be for you OP.

I can't help but ask.. Does your husband know about the STI? Where is he in all of this?

 

[What 23]

I have HPV. I don't know type. I had symptoms around when it first showed up of course. But I mean, my ex and I broke up and two months later she informed me, blaming it on me. Thing is I never noticed them before her, and did actually feel pain around when they came, after we broke up. A time of high stress.

She blamed it on me. To this day I kind of resent her for it. She had a test before us she said, where she said it came back "abnormal". I didn't think much of this because she wasn't worried and then I wantes to trust her.

My last contact before her was over a year. I don't know. But many months after our relationship she told me she had it and I was to blame, another test came back negative. Said she had dysplasia... Same that she had before me.

But I had symptoms. I got them burned (frozen) off.

Its a tricky thing. Dysplasia basically means the same thing as having HPV I think. I think she just felt like shit for blaming me, calling it by a different name. But hell, I did probably already have one strain at least of it, like most people do and dont know.

Anyways sorry for the book but I face the same issue. The last girl I really wanted, I had symptoms then. And it fucked things up. Not that I told her but it just messed things up because I held back natural urge/passion. We never did anything. I didnt even kiss her because I wanted to so badly. With her I wish she was my first, and only... sometimes. Fuck.

Another girl, I told. She didn't run away. But my sadness with it destroyed anything that may have been (fun times, fwb).

I haven't had symptoms for almost 5 years. I haven't told anyone else. I've been really careful, and usually don't repeat sexual contact with one person more than twice... It would be hard to be serious with someone.

Edit: I checked out that positivesingles site. Some very attractive girls on there. To be honest, at this point in my life, if I was attracted enough to someone... I'm not so sure I'd care what they have. Might sound bad but its where I am at. I have more problems than herpes, like eating/nourishment, as I have food/chemical allergies and can't tolerate much at all. There are worse things, and you shouldnt feel ashamed. And don't feel ashamed if you use that site. From the short look I had, the selection looks better than I've seen on OkCupid. But that could be because I know they are already... Uh... tainted.

 

[Cohesion]

I feel mild nausea on and off for weeks now due to, yes, realizations and trying not to feel like something is flawed with my core being. I am reading into the implications of this karma and taking it personally. I was having flashes of violence in an insignificant way, it is thoughts about thrashing the place but I never would move a thing.

@floatingaround- It looks like our marriage is not going to have a chance to happen due to the 8000 miles and other practical concerns. It has been really hard.

@What 23 - You are really suffering dear. Your virus is non invasive, rarely present, and dormant yet you are not able to have meaningful intimacy. Hun... Have you thought of it like that?

I'm glad you found attractive people on that website. I found trash, but I'd have to move to NYC or LA to have maybe some good options. Not enough people have signed up. Basically I would only use that site for finding a FWB/casual partner, and well, that's what I said I'm wanting but my city is too small, I need to really take time and search. Outside of that site, I am looking for a sugar daddy. Yes that is right. It's a tricky thing to negotiate, WHEN is the appropriate time to tell in order to maximize chances.

It's really an awful joke God is playing, arriving as STDs.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I do not have any STDs but I know people who have HIV, herpes, and/or HPV. I also know people who have had ones like Syphilis, gonorrhea, NGU/NSU, crabs/scabies, and various types of Hepatitis. They're open about it but you're right that it seems like a lot of people are not. I read other sex/porn sites and if the people on those sites are really as sexually active as they claim to be a lot of them probably do have common STDs like HIV, HPV, herpes, etc.

I know people who do have STDs either HPV, herpes, and HIV and they do not tell people they have an STD or they did not in the past. The one person had genital warts up their ass and they were removed via surgery and they no longer engage in anal sex at all. The other person that has HPV is like the other person that posted here and does not become sexually active when they have a breakout of HPV and they get the warts removed via surgery. The person I knew that lied about having HIV, I knew they were lying since they would get drunk or high on opiates and benzos and tell me and other people that they did not use condoms at all for anal sex, swallowed cum from random people, and they were into IVing drugs so I assumed they did share needles. This was before they wanted to personally accept that they're HIV+. Now they are on medications for HIV, sober, doing well, and are honest about being HIV+ to sex partners. Another person I know has herpes and they think they're "cured" because they do not have outbreaks as much but that's not true.


Cohesion, I thought you were married? Or are you in an open marriage? Or did you get separated/divorced?

 

[Two06]

I found out I have HSV-2 about 7 months ago.

It has been hard for sure. As humans our sexuality is such a vital part of our being... to have it compromised can be really damaging psychologically. Especially for people in their sexual prime like us (I'm 26 and male). When I have symptoms I get depressed not because it's uncomfortable (slight itch is the worst I get) but because my value as a sexual partner has been greatly diminished. I don't have the confidence to approach girls I normally would.

I think Herpes has a stigma that's slightly overhyped. It's not a big deal medically speaking and very common. But its also true that it's something I'd surely want to avoid if I could, so this leaves a bit of a tough situation in regards to casual relationships and sex. If a girl told me she had herpes a year ago, I would not be into it unless I was completely in love with her. But how do you even get to that point if you have to disclose early on?

I've read a lot of things online about herpes and disclosure. Everyone says you have to inform, but in reality most don't. Taking suppressive therapy, using condoms, and not having sex during outbreaks reduces the chance of transmission to less than 1%.

It really sucks having to worry about giving someone herpes. It would suck worrying about contracting it too. So fuck it, at least they will enjoy the sex more if you're the only one that knows! Maybe a woman will fall in love with me and it won't matter when she finds out. Maybe I'll spread it to someone. Maybe I'll tell my next partner before we have sex. But so far I haven't, because in the situations I've been in so far it most likely would be a deal breaker. Call me selfish (or other worse things) but I'm not going to outcast myself in every sexual encounter all for a small chance at passing a minor skin condition to someone. If you're casually about to fuck someone you recently met, chances are decent they have it anyway based on their sexual behavior pattern. In the right situation, though, disclosing before sex could be a huge weight off your shoulders.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[Boupstarnm]

I'm gonna look like a total dickhead but here goes....

Basically anyone in the bar scene/drug scene/club scene who is sleeping with random people once a month or so.......you've got an std. What are the rates? Like 75% of people either have hpv of herpes? So yeah. If you're sleeping with strangers, and that stranger is sleeping with random people....you've got an std.

Like 50% are asymptomatic (totally made that number up but I'm drunk so it's ok) so like the majority of people don't know they have stds. And they're fucking everyone giving them stds.


Just a guess but like 10% of people are honest sexually....either that or they're honest AND have physical symptoms of an std.....

But yeah. Oh course you should tell people if you have something. Or think you have something. Personally I've never showed any symptoms of the typical stds but uhhhh considering the girls who have fucked me and are still willing to fuck me, I must be one of those asymptomatic fucks. Maybe not. But purely from a statistically standpoint wayyyyyyy more people are dirty than clean.

And that's the thing. You basically get to the point where it's the kettle calling the pot black. Basically you're an outsider...a dirty dirty slut.....a bad person who fucks anything if you admit you have an std. All the while odds are a huge percentage of people have slept with someone who's had an std....and they never admit it, never tell anyone.

I don't know. I'm not innocent. My gf swears her valtrex is for her cold sores. Bottom line, I don't care. I'm lucky she hold me about it and didn't hide it (sorta). But yeah, I'm drunk and on speed and my gf is sick, so I'm up on my soapbox.

But back to the part where I'm a dick...those of us unfortunately or fortunately enough to be promiscuous we're probably dirty. There isn't a blood test for hpv or herpes. If your asymptomatic you're asymptomatic. So yeah....I forgot my point.....time to go back to the bottle then to jerking off.

 

[psood0nym]

I'm gonna look like a total dickhead but here goes....

Basically anyone in the bar scene/drug scene/club scene who is sleeping with random people once a month or so.......you've got an std. What are the rates? Like 75% of people either have hpv of herpes? So yeah. If you're sleeping with strangers, and that stranger is sleeping with random people....you've got an std.

Like 50% are asymptomatic (totally made that number up but I'm drunk so it's ok) so like the majority of people don't know they have stds. And they're fucking everyone giving them stds.


Just a guess but like 10% of people are honest sexually....either that or they're honest AND have physical symptoms of an std.....

But yeah. Oh course you should tell people if you have something. Or think you have something. Personally I've never showed any symptoms of the typical stds but uhhhh considering the girls who have fucked me and are still willing to fuck me, I must be one of those asymptomatic fucks. Maybe not. But purely from a statistically standpoint wayyyyyyy more people are dirty than clean.

And that's the thing. You basically get to the point where it's the kettle calling the pot black. Basically you're an outsider...a dirty dirty slut.....a bad person who fucks anything if you admit you have an std. All the while odds are a huge percentage of people have slept with someone who's had an std....and they never admit it, never tell anyone.

I don't know. I'm not innocent. My gf swears her valtrex is for her cold sores. Bottom line, I don't care. I'm lucky she hold me about it and didn't hide it (sorta). But yeah, I'm drunk and on speed and my gf is sick, so I'm up on my soapbox.

But back to the part where I'm a dick...those of us unfortunately or fortunately enough to be promiscuous we're probably dirty. There isn't a blood test for hpv or herpes. If your asymptomatic you're asymptomatic. So yeah....I forgot my point.....time to go back to the bottle then to jerking off.

According to this CDC article 18.5 percent of U.S. women aged 20-24 years have some form of HPV. However, the article also notes that the bodies immune system naturally clears "90 percent" of infections within two years. If this is true, only 1.85 percent of women have a version of the virus that's going to cause problems for anyone they transmit the disease to beyond 2 years. So, yes, statistically speaking most promiscuous people are probably "dirty" in that they're likely to have some version of HPV, but it's not of such a tremendous consequence as it may seem. In any event, there's a vaccine so there's little reason it should be as widespread as it is.

 

[skittlesxo]

From experience , sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

I do not tell any partners I have anything, if I do not have breakouts.

Just do not have any sexual contact while you're breaking out.

When I found out I had contracted these I cried, thought my life would be over, what would I do if I find a good man in my future, how would I tell him, etc.

I just find that it's better to not tell them. So many people can have these stds and not even know for years.

Don't let it bother you so much, just do your thing; treat your breakouts with valtrex, antibiotics, or get the HPV warts burned off.