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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 3: Earth, Wind and Fire!

When I went to the ER this morning, they did nothing. Said I needed to be on antibiotics but did not even give an RX for any. Some time after my last post my BP spiked to the 220s/110s. My pulse has been as low as the upper thirties but low pulse is not a problem now. I can see that a post I made earlier degenerated into nonsense because I became really mentally confused. This before self medicating because the doctors won't do a God Damned thing for me. It is like they want to wait until I am either near death or actually dead to do anything.

I don't know why they are treating me like scum that should just die because I am so fucking bad that my death would make the world so much better. I know I am not a bad person. I want to live and even now I am happy. I have more compassion than most people and I truly am not saying this because I am narcissistic or a cold hearted psychopath who wants others to suffer and die or be tormented in a hellish state worse than death. I am not bad. I don't know why they have so much hate for me. I want to make the world better. I have been working my ass off promoting Animals Asia to stop the horrendous bear bile farms - the worst torture I can comprehend and I have been getting very significant results. I don't want to die. It isn't even for my life that I want to live the most. I want more than anything to just help those who are in the most pain regardless of species. I feel like I am dying now. You can look in the drug culture I'm High thread to see how I self medicated because I was left with no choice and was desperate. It stabilized me for maybe six hours but I am now deteriorating again. I was going to get high while watching the walking dead but I won't do that given my condition. My blood pressure is 198/67 pulse 115. I am taking a lot of clonazepam to try to get my BP down.

It is against the rules to talk of getting high here but that is not what I am doing the klonopin for so I think it is okay to say this.

Pray for me. I don't want to die. Please keep me in your thoughts and I am really sorry if this is making you sad I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me.
 
I don't pray, not in the traditional sense anyway but you certainly have my best wishes and I will be thinking of you in the coming days.

Today and I am thankful for the kindness and generosity of human kind, I went out last night which is an achievement in it's self. It was an informal meeting of the classic scooter club I'm a member of. I almost never go the social events as I find such things difficult but I made the effort last night and had a really good time.

My closer friends there know of someone my mental health issues and have been so kind and understanding, one old friend has approached me as her brother isn't doing to well and has had a couple of episodes of late but won't seek help. I wouldn't presume to give others advice but as I get on with him well I'm hoping to chat to him about my situation and some of the treatment I've tried, worth a shot and if nothing else he will now I'm here is needed.

These days I talk fairly openly about my mental health issues, I never used to but after I ended up in a secure care unit there no longer seemed any point in hiding it, I don't feel ashamed anymore and it so often helps others to ne more open.
 
Today I am thankful that I have so far had no sickness or side effects from my first dose of chemotherapy. Thankful for the great caring nurses, wonderful people.
 
Congrats CH!

Thankful for a better weather than yesterday
 
My friends who haven't left my side despite all the bs that's happened.
 
Tryptamine*Dreamer said:
When I went to the ER this morning, they did nothing. Said I needed to be on antibiotics but did not even give an RX for any. Some time after my last post my BP spiked to the 220s/110s. My pulse has been as low as the upper thirties but low pulse is not a problem now. I can see that a post I made earlier degenerated into nonsense because I became really mentally confused. This before self medicating because the doctors won't do a God Damned thing for me. It is like they want to wait until I am either near death or actually dead to do anything.

I don't know why they are treating me like scum that should just die because I am so fucking bad that my death would make the world so much better. I know I am not a bad person. I want to live and even now I am happy. I have more compassion than most people and I truly am not saying this because I am narcissistic or a cold hearted psychopath who wants others to suffer and die or be tormented in a hellish state worse than death. I am not bad. I don't know why they have so much hate for me. I want to make the world better. I have been working my ass off promoting Animals Asia to stop the horrendous bear bile farms - the worst torture I can comprehend and I have been getting very significant results. I don't want to die. It isn't even for my life that I want to live the most. I want more than anything to just help those who are in the most pain regardless of species. I feel like I am dying now. You can look in the drug culture I'm High thread to see how I self medicated because I was left with no choice and was desperate. It stabilized me for maybe six hours but I am now deteriorating again. I was going to get high while watching the walking dead but I won't do that given my condition. My blood pressure is 198/67 pulse 115. I am taking a lot of clonazepam to try to get my BP down.

It is against the rules to talk of getting high here but that is not what I am doing the klonopin for so I think it is okay to say this.

Pray for me. I don't want to die. Please keep me in your thoughts and I am really sorry if this is making you sad I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me.
Click to expand...

Are you Ok? I hope you are. Often and unfortunately the medical community has an issue with stereotyping and making false assumptions which in turn effect their abilities to treat all patients/people with the compassion they deserve and need. Mind you, there are some gems out there who have good hearts; just need to find them.
I hope your alright.
 
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