AngelusDiaboli
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2013
- Messages
- 4
Hi, peeps.
I've been having a really bad week, and I'm feeling I really need some advice, so I figured it couldn't hurt to make a post here.
I recently discovered the magic that is MDMA. I tried it in the comfort of my home, alone. I know this is not the optimal setting for MDMA, but I had been waiting to try it with my friends for a really long time but the opportunity never really came up, so after a while I couldn't hold myself. It was amazing. Only two weeks later, I fell to the temptation again. The roll was worthless compared to my first one, so after that I learned my lesson and decided to wait at least one month between rolls, preferrably more. I didn't really get a bad hangover after either of these rolls, it was barely noticeable, despite me having some minor issues with depression and anxiety as is. I mostly felt a bit slow the day afterwards, and then on day 2 and 3 I could be slightly more suspectible to anxiety attacks and less interest in doing things. But really, an alcohol hangover is way worse in comparison.
A female friend of mine, who I had mostly talked to over the internet and only met briefly once in real life, told me she wanted to try rolling and suggested we roll together. I thought that sounded nice. I'm in a long-distance relationship, we've had a lot of trouble and have been broken up for a period of a few months before, but got back together in April of this year. Our relationship has been stagnating a bit recently, she just started college and is really busy, so we barely have any opportunity to meet or even talk. Regardless, I'm a very faithful person. No amount of alcohol could make me act unfaithful, and I definitely didn't expect MDMA would do so since it never even made me horny when I rolled alone. Just loved up. I could imagine wanting to hug and maybe even cuddle a lot, but that's fine as long as it's platonic.
So we met up and rolled in her apartment last friday. Now, it all started out very good. Quite amazing, really, the kick I got was better than my first roll. We talked a lot, and eventually started hugging. Hugging was so extremely pleasant, and eventually, the weirdest question pops out of my mouth without a single thought in my head. "Hey, how about we make out?"
"Yeah, sure!" she said, and for most of the rest of the roll, we were just passionately kissing and touching each other. We didn't have sex, but I certainly felt that was where I wanted it to head. I could feel thoughts of doubt starting to pop into my mind at times, but they disappeared just as fast when I thought about how good it felt to just make out with and touch this girl and feel this bond with her. We kept telling each other things like "This is completely platonic." and such, but really, while I think back to what I felt back then, it was definitely not platonic. I have never bonded with a person so intimately, and it was so crazy passionate and such a huge turn-on. This kind of passion, I haven't had with my girl in a long time. Really, there's no passion at all anymore, hasn't been for a long time, and I guess that's part of the reason for my actions. Not that I'm trying to justify them in any way.
Easily the best roll I've had so far, but I've only had three. We fell asleep in two separate beds. When I woke up the next morning, I was thinking about what happened last night. At that moment, it didn't feel "real". I hadn't really registered it yet. It was like the night before had just been a dream and it didn't really matter, so I shrugged it off, got up, and then she got up about an hour later. There was no awkwardness between us, despite what happened. We hung out and watched Pulp Fiction until it was time for me to go home. The whole time I was with her, I felt my heart beating and had butterflies in my stomach. I got on the train later, and that's when it started to sink in. Shit. I've basically cheated on my girlfriend without even thinking a second thought, and now I'm starting to having feelings I really do not want to have. The whole trip home was complete hell, I just sat there thinking about what I'd done, what this means and what I'm feeling. I get home and I'm still feeling like crap, it's completely uncomprehensible to me how I could act that way. And... when I think of my girlfriend, I feel nothing. I feel no love for her. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to meet her, I don't want to hug her, I don't want to kiss her.
So a friend of mine texts me. He says he has some Suboxone and Tramadol that he owes me. Freakin' perfect, I think, and head over to his place and fetch the stuff, after which I head home and snort some sub and a few hundred miligrams of Tramadol. I start getting some really destructive thoughts. Mixing sub and tramadol on their own is completely fine, but then I started thinking about the rum I had in the fridge. I wanted to drink it. I wanted to drink it because it was bad for me. I had to punish myself. Actually, I also knew the Tramadol was probably a bad idea, since it messes a bunch with serotonin, which isn't exactly optimal for the day after MDMA. Anyway, I drank quite a bit of rum, snorted a few miligrams of sub and took 500mg of Tramadol. Just to fuck myself up. The next day, just two hours after waking up, I did the same thing. Only 200mg of Tramadol and about 1mg of sub this time, but only because I didn't have any more left. Then I started drinking rum and kept going until I feel asleep. The next day, I only had rum left. I finished the bottle that day.
I didn't take 5-HTP, vitamins and so on like I usually do, and I intentionally took a bunch of drugs to damage myself and to supress thoughts of what I had done. I know this is a harm reduction forum, and I do not in ANY way condone these actions. What I did was extremely stupid and harmful to both my body and mind, and could potentially even have killed me, even if the risk is relatively low.
I was completely sober on tuesday. This is when I started thinking about everything for real. I still didn't feel anything for my girlfriend. I still don't. Then again, I had actually been thinking about where our relationship was headed before I even tried MDMA and had been briefly considering breaking up with her, but now those thoughts had come back much stronger. I desperately started making a list of positive and negative things about our relationship and hoping it would weigh up. After all, we have been together for almost three years, excluding our brief period away from each other. That must mean something, right? There must be something that has made us stay together. Nothing. The only real thing I could think of was "Safety". It feels safe. I know she's there and she won't leave me, probably because of her bad self confidence. And the more I thought of the girl I had met, the more these thoughts grew. I also started getting weird flashbacks to my night with this girl, just a fast flashing image from that night and briefly feeling like I was there again.
Now this has been all I can think about. I know I can't trust my feelings and my mind right now, since it's still not that long since I rolled and because, well, anything I felt during the roll is basically chemically induced, artificial. But I just can't get this girl off my mind, and the thoughts of breaking up with my current girlfriend have become more of a decision than just a thought, I just feel like I haven't gotten it done yet. Even if I don't wind up actually feeling anything for this girl sober, I just feel in my gut that this relationship isn't good for me, and in a way, the very fact that this happened proves that. The fact that I couldn't find anything good about our relationship also doesn't bode good. I'm not even the only one who has noticed the relationship has taken a bad turn, even before this event.
I've been sober since tuesday, but I really don't feel like I'm getting any better. If anything, I'm getting worse. The more I think about this situation, the more worked up I get. I talk to this girl every day, and initially I thought I sensed a lot of hints from her side that she was hoping to get something more out of this. It started growing into an obsession, I analyzed everything she said to try and understand if she feels the same way about that night. I had hoped my own feelings would fade with time, but I can't really say they have. It's definitely not LOVE, but maybe infatuation, which is something that can be nurtured and grown into something more. In a sober state, of course. But then today, I had a complete mental breakdown. We were talking a lot, like we usually do, and I started getting completely opposite vibes from her compared to before, which made me a bit worried. Then we started talking about my life situation. I use drugs quite regularly, but I would say I've been able to handle it quite well most of the time. I recently lost my job however, and this has messed things up for me slightly. Taking drugs during a weekday just doesn't feel as bad when you're unemployed. She started talking about stuff I should do to occupy myself and then I just completely broke down. I started thinking about how I really just wished I could have a healthy relationship with someone I love, not one where there's a fight pretty much every time we meet and there's no passion and we really don't do much else than watch TV-series and play videogames together. I started ranting to this girl, and after a while said I'm going to bed since I don't feel too good.
I also realized that I seem to have lost all interest in sex, at least when sober. I usually masturbate pretty much every day, but really just don't feel like it anymore. I forced myself yesterday, just for the hell of it, but it just didn't feel that good and it was much harder to get an orgasm than usual. I have no idea why, I know this happens to some people after taking MDMA, but it's new to me.
I just don't know what to make of this. I obviously understand I need to wait to act on anything until I know I've completely recovered from the MDMA, and I should really stay away from drugs overall for a while. But what are people's experiences with MDMA just majorly messing with your feelings in relationship to other people? Has MDMA ever actually made you have a crush that didn't just go away after recovery? Has it even made you fall out of love with someone or made you realize that you didn't really love someone as much as you think you did? I just don't know how much of this is directly caused by the MDMA and how much is just me generally being frustrated and confused about what has happened.
Just some general advice on how to go forward would be nice as well. I really feel like I could majorly mess up if I make a reckless decision during this time, since I'm just not feeling like myself.
Thanks.
I've been having a really bad week, and I'm feeling I really need some advice, so I figured it couldn't hurt to make a post here.
I recently discovered the magic that is MDMA. I tried it in the comfort of my home, alone. I know this is not the optimal setting for MDMA, but I had been waiting to try it with my friends for a really long time but the opportunity never really came up, so after a while I couldn't hold myself. It was amazing. Only two weeks later, I fell to the temptation again. The roll was worthless compared to my first one, so after that I learned my lesson and decided to wait at least one month between rolls, preferrably more. I didn't really get a bad hangover after either of these rolls, it was barely noticeable, despite me having some minor issues with depression and anxiety as is. I mostly felt a bit slow the day afterwards, and then on day 2 and 3 I could be slightly more suspectible to anxiety attacks and less interest in doing things. But really, an alcohol hangover is way worse in comparison.
A female friend of mine, who I had mostly talked to over the internet and only met briefly once in real life, told me she wanted to try rolling and suggested we roll together. I thought that sounded nice. I'm in a long-distance relationship, we've had a lot of trouble and have been broken up for a period of a few months before, but got back together in April of this year. Our relationship has been stagnating a bit recently, she just started college and is really busy, so we barely have any opportunity to meet or even talk. Regardless, I'm a very faithful person. No amount of alcohol could make me act unfaithful, and I definitely didn't expect MDMA would do so since it never even made me horny when I rolled alone. Just loved up. I could imagine wanting to hug and maybe even cuddle a lot, but that's fine as long as it's platonic.
So we met up and rolled in her apartment last friday. Now, it all started out very good. Quite amazing, really, the kick I got was better than my first roll. We talked a lot, and eventually started hugging. Hugging was so extremely pleasant, and eventually, the weirdest question pops out of my mouth without a single thought in my head. "Hey, how about we make out?"
"Yeah, sure!" she said, and for most of the rest of the roll, we were just passionately kissing and touching each other. We didn't have sex, but I certainly felt that was where I wanted it to head. I could feel thoughts of doubt starting to pop into my mind at times, but they disappeared just as fast when I thought about how good it felt to just make out with and touch this girl and feel this bond with her. We kept telling each other things like "This is completely platonic." and such, but really, while I think back to what I felt back then, it was definitely not platonic. I have never bonded with a person so intimately, and it was so crazy passionate and such a huge turn-on. This kind of passion, I haven't had with my girl in a long time. Really, there's no passion at all anymore, hasn't been for a long time, and I guess that's part of the reason for my actions. Not that I'm trying to justify them in any way.
Easily the best roll I've had so far, but I've only had three. We fell asleep in two separate beds. When I woke up the next morning, I was thinking about what happened last night. At that moment, it didn't feel "real". I hadn't really registered it yet. It was like the night before had just been a dream and it didn't really matter, so I shrugged it off, got up, and then she got up about an hour later. There was no awkwardness between us, despite what happened. We hung out and watched Pulp Fiction until it was time for me to go home. The whole time I was with her, I felt my heart beating and had butterflies in my stomach. I got on the train later, and that's when it started to sink in. Shit. I've basically cheated on my girlfriend without even thinking a second thought, and now I'm starting to having feelings I really do not want to have. The whole trip home was complete hell, I just sat there thinking about what I'd done, what this means and what I'm feeling. I get home and I'm still feeling like crap, it's completely uncomprehensible to me how I could act that way. And... when I think of my girlfriend, I feel nothing. I feel no love for her. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to meet her, I don't want to hug her, I don't want to kiss her.
So a friend of mine texts me. He says he has some Suboxone and Tramadol that he owes me. Freakin' perfect, I think, and head over to his place and fetch the stuff, after which I head home and snort some sub and a few hundred miligrams of Tramadol. I start getting some really destructive thoughts. Mixing sub and tramadol on their own is completely fine, but then I started thinking about the rum I had in the fridge. I wanted to drink it. I wanted to drink it because it was bad for me. I had to punish myself. Actually, I also knew the Tramadol was probably a bad idea, since it messes a bunch with serotonin, which isn't exactly optimal for the day after MDMA. Anyway, I drank quite a bit of rum, snorted a few miligrams of sub and took 500mg of Tramadol. Just to fuck myself up. The next day, just two hours after waking up, I did the same thing. Only 200mg of Tramadol and about 1mg of sub this time, but only because I didn't have any more left. Then I started drinking rum and kept going until I feel asleep. The next day, I only had rum left. I finished the bottle that day.
I didn't take 5-HTP, vitamins and so on like I usually do, and I intentionally took a bunch of drugs to damage myself and to supress thoughts of what I had done. I know this is a harm reduction forum, and I do not in ANY way condone these actions. What I did was extremely stupid and harmful to both my body and mind, and could potentially even have killed me, even if the risk is relatively low.
I was completely sober on tuesday. This is when I started thinking about everything for real. I still didn't feel anything for my girlfriend. I still don't. Then again, I had actually been thinking about where our relationship was headed before I even tried MDMA and had been briefly considering breaking up with her, but now those thoughts had come back much stronger. I desperately started making a list of positive and negative things about our relationship and hoping it would weigh up. After all, we have been together for almost three years, excluding our brief period away from each other. That must mean something, right? There must be something that has made us stay together. Nothing. The only real thing I could think of was "Safety". It feels safe. I know she's there and she won't leave me, probably because of her bad self confidence. And the more I thought of the girl I had met, the more these thoughts grew. I also started getting weird flashbacks to my night with this girl, just a fast flashing image from that night and briefly feeling like I was there again.
Now this has been all I can think about. I know I can't trust my feelings and my mind right now, since it's still not that long since I rolled and because, well, anything I felt during the roll is basically chemically induced, artificial. But I just can't get this girl off my mind, and the thoughts of breaking up with my current girlfriend have become more of a decision than just a thought, I just feel like I haven't gotten it done yet. Even if I don't wind up actually feeling anything for this girl sober, I just feel in my gut that this relationship isn't good for me, and in a way, the very fact that this happened proves that. The fact that I couldn't find anything good about our relationship also doesn't bode good. I'm not even the only one who has noticed the relationship has taken a bad turn, even before this event.
I've been sober since tuesday, but I really don't feel like I'm getting any better. If anything, I'm getting worse. The more I think about this situation, the more worked up I get. I talk to this girl every day, and initially I thought I sensed a lot of hints from her side that she was hoping to get something more out of this. It started growing into an obsession, I analyzed everything she said to try and understand if she feels the same way about that night. I had hoped my own feelings would fade with time, but I can't really say they have. It's definitely not LOVE, but maybe infatuation, which is something that can be nurtured and grown into something more. In a sober state, of course. But then today, I had a complete mental breakdown. We were talking a lot, like we usually do, and I started getting completely opposite vibes from her compared to before, which made me a bit worried. Then we started talking about my life situation. I use drugs quite regularly, but I would say I've been able to handle it quite well most of the time. I recently lost my job however, and this has messed things up for me slightly. Taking drugs during a weekday just doesn't feel as bad when you're unemployed. She started talking about stuff I should do to occupy myself and then I just completely broke down. I started thinking about how I really just wished I could have a healthy relationship with someone I love, not one where there's a fight pretty much every time we meet and there's no passion and we really don't do much else than watch TV-series and play videogames together. I started ranting to this girl, and after a while said I'm going to bed since I don't feel too good.
I also realized that I seem to have lost all interest in sex, at least when sober. I usually masturbate pretty much every day, but really just don't feel like it anymore. I forced myself yesterday, just for the hell of it, but it just didn't feel that good and it was much harder to get an orgasm than usual. I have no idea why, I know this happens to some people after taking MDMA, but it's new to me.
I just don't know what to make of this. I obviously understand I need to wait to act on anything until I know I've completely recovered from the MDMA, and I should really stay away from drugs overall for a while. But what are people's experiences with MDMA just majorly messing with your feelings in relationship to other people? Has MDMA ever actually made you have a crush that didn't just go away after recovery? Has it even made you fall out of love with someone or made you realize that you didn't really love someone as much as you think you did? I just don't know how much of this is directly caused by the MDMA and how much is just me generally being frustrated and confused about what has happened.
Just some general advice on how to go forward would be nice as well. I really feel like I could majorly mess up if I make a reckless decision during this time, since I'm just not feeling like myself.
Thanks.
