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What drives us to do it?

notsureanymore

notsureanymore

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 23, 2013
Messages
19
Location
Top of a mountain, Utah
What drives us guys/gals to do it? You know, grind up damn near anything we can and inject it wherever we can? I am

brand new to posting on this site and I finally realized, That I'm not the only dumb ass! Only thing is ..... I'm not a stupid person, you probably

arent either? Well some but......

I'm talking mainly about people like me that have almost run out of veins, lived with nasty abcesses where we have missed or banged the wrong

kind of drug and had it burn your arm almost off! (well that is a little exazzerated but you get my point)![/I] Im

about to the point of plugging it but man, that will be my last straw. I've ruined both my arms, both hands, and just shoot in the dark now (no pun

intended). I say I dont need it that bad! hmm. Hey maybe thats it, I do it cuz I need it that bad? Now, but what about when I

started? I did'nt need it that bad way back then! Shit, Or did I? I think so. I think that it was /is in my genes. I needed it as bad when I started

as I do now. I know people like that, only not with drugs. With say, their immune system. It was 'fkkkd' up from birth. It was/is in their genes. What you

think? Am I stoned or do I have a ligitament thought here? (Legit-a-ment? how you spell that? I cant spell either, lol.) If

anybody has a thought, kick it on over this way. What Drives You? Cuz,




I'm just Notsureanymore !
 
What drives me?
Well, not only am I addicted to the drug, but I'm addicted to the lifestyle, and the needle.
The constant 'need' to get well, and the waves of blissful euphoria that comes soon afterwards.
If anyone tells you any different, they're lying.

& About the whole gene thing..
Some people have addictive personalities.. some don't.
 
Panic/anxiety, guilt, regret, depression.

I had panic attacks so I started doing drugs. Soft drugs stopped working so I did harder drugs. I got addicted to heroin and did horrible things to avoid withdrawal. I felt guilty about those things so I had to get high. It's a cycle

But when it comes down to it, it's all up to you, no matter how horrible the pain is that's driving you, you can make it stop
 
For me, what drives me to do it is many things.

I don't like taking drugs to be honest. I'd much rather live a healthy, happy life where I didn't have to take drugs every day to function. But that's just not the truth... Unfortunately, I'm diagnosed with conditions who's only treatment option really is drugs. Without them, I cannot function at the moment. Some people like to make assertation that I was fine before drugs and that the drugs are what made me not able to live without drugs.

The scientologists love to claim this. But that isn't the case. I had never been on any drug in my life (except for antibiotics when I got pneumonia that one time...) and I was experiencing intense symptoms of mental health. In fact it was so incapacitating that I couldn't even function in my life anymore. All I could do is lay in bed in day and it was a struggle to even get out of bed to use the bathroom or take a shower or even feed myself.

Then, I started having homicidal thoughts, admitted this to my therapist, and was then admitted to a hospital where I first started medication. The stuff I got there was crap (Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Etc) It didn't do anything for me. Unfortunately I had used Marijuana for the first time before I was admitted and they thought I was a drug addict or something when they made me take a urine test (because it came back positive for THC). So I was tried on every drug you can imagine. You name it, I've been on it.

Finally when they recognized I legitimately had issues, that I wasn't just some drug addict drug seeking, was I able to try "narcotic" drugs - I got prescribed Adderall. This drug worked amazing. No longer did I have to endure the hell I was living. I finally was able to get my ass out of bed and into school where it should be. Unfortunately, I missed most of highschool - so I was way behind in credits. So I had to catch up and do hours after hours after hours after hours of homework every night. But you know what, I didn't care at all. Sure the Adderall helped amazingly with focus and motivation, but for the first time in a very, very long time - I was enjoying life. I was in tears I was so happy. I could now function like a normal person and I realized pretty quickly that I was good at it too!

I started really enjoying life where as just a couple months before, I was near committing suicide. Adderall brought me back from the dead. Adderall actually made it so I could function like a normal person and Adderall made it so I could actually be the person that I truly was inside. If I don't take it, I go back to how I was before.

Since then I've also been prescribed Ativan and Ambien. I don't like the fact that I have to take any of it, but until the day comes where I can function like a normal person on my own, then I'm going to keep using my meds.
 
wow your text is all over the place.

what drives us to do drugs is addiction, and/or a dissatisfaction with the baseline state of being.
 
I think first and foremost I do drugs because I fucking love them.

I do drugs to fill an emptiness inside me, as cliché as that sounds. Not sure what that void is, but it definitely seems to need filling. I try exercise, relationships, time in nature, occasional prayer... but I just haven't found my thing.

I do drugs because I'm dissatisfied with my body, not my appearance, but the bag of bones I call me. I hate that my nerves constantly seem to be twitching, my hair constantly standing at end, endless sweating, extreme self awareness, insomnia. And (un?)Fortunately Opiates, benzos and cannabis (in various degrees/combinations) happen to cure those ailments. So I'm willing to put up with some shit. I'll occasionally get ripped off. I deserve it, I've done the same. I'll go out in the cold, or drive further than I'd like. I do it to feel well. I do it to feel okay with my life (which I am diligently working upon improving), and I do it to feel fucking amazing when I get lucky now and again.

And of course I do drugs because I'm addicted. I take the drug(s) to get through work to get that paycheck to get the drug(s) to get through work to get...
 
What drives me to do it? The anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, depression, sadness, anger, and just the overall inability to deal with my feelings and life in general...
 
TweakFace said:
verso said:
What drives me to do it? The anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, depression, sadness, anger, and just the overall inability to deal with my feelings and life in general...
Click to expand...
^ nailed it, and just being addicted in general as well...
Click to expand...

That's a great way of putting it. Besides the fact that drugs allow me to be able to just not care about my anxiety - they're rather addicting. I'm not physically addicted to anything. I took a break from all of my meds for almost a month just a week back. I'll be honest, I had rebound insomnia when I wasn't taking my Ambien, however, it went away within three days. Also, I thought for sure that I would have some sort of physical withdrawal from Ativan. But I experienced nothing at all. Although, I don't take Ativan everyday. I only use it when I need it (if you average it out, I take it probably twice a week).

It's not "the high" from the drug that I'm addicted to. In fact, all the meds I take aren't really great for getting wasted anyways. At therapeutic doses I mean. Sure, Adderall was amazingly euphoric when I first started it. I don't know if that's due to the fact that I hadn't really done anything with my life and Adderall actually got me doing shit for the first time in years, or if the drug actually was causing euphoria.

Anyways, All the meds I take were "euphoric" to begin with, but that went away pretty damn quickly since I stuck to the doses I was prescribed. When I was prescribed Ativan, and the first time I took it was the first time I had ever taken a Benzodiazepine. I'd read about them, but wasn't sure what to expect. At first it was quite relaxing, incredibly anxiolytic, and was very mentally impairing. In fact, I would compare the impairing effects to antipsychotics - it was that strong. However, antipsychotics are awful drugs. Sure they put you to sleep and "stop anxiety" however, they cause horrible agitation for me. They also make it so I can't think at all.

Ativan (this really only happened the first time I took it) was exactly like an antipsychotic, but instead of the impairing effects being very unpleasant - the impairment was extremely relaxing. I was the opposite of agitated, incredibly relaxed. Everywhere I sat felt comfortable and nothing gave me anxiety. It wasn't as euphoric as Adderall was, but the relaxation was slightly euphoric.

But tolerance to Benzodiazepines is a bitch. After only one time, that euphoria was gone. The all the other effects were still there the second time I took it, but then those got incredibly less powerful the third time, half as powerful as that the fourth time, etc. Now all Ativan does for me is stop anxiety. It makes me very slightly tired still, but that's it.

Anyways, I forgot what my point of typing all that out was, so I'll just cut to the chase.

It's not "the high" I like. In fact, my medications don't make me high anymore. All I feel from Ativan is antianxiety and very mild sedation, and Adderall is no where near as euphoric either. Adderall now feels like I took a low dose of Benadryl or something. It actually makes me rather tired instead of very wide-awake and stimulated. The only real effects it gives me now is focus and motivation which it's still damn good at doing.

I'm not gonna lie, I loved the high that each medication gave me at first, but I wasn't taking them to get high - I was taking them to treat an illness. The only addicting thing to me is being able to function like a normal person. That is quite addicting now that I think about it. Probably because when I'm not taking my meds, I feel like I've taken a huge dose of Thorazine. My meds stop that. I guess you could make the claim that I am "trying to get high" but if it doesn't alter your perception of consciousness, is it really getting high?

Well, I guess it does alter my perception of consciousness, but it doesn't make me high, it makes me normal. I could easily get high off my meds if I wanted to (by taking a handful of pills) but that's not why I'm taking these meds. I'm taking them to treat something.
 
Ok, well thank you for all these posts and i really got the feeling that a very lot of you are just like me! i have been thinking about why i am in the boat im in now for the last wek or so. Most of us are between a rock and a hard spot! I know i am for sure! im about at the end of the line as far as shooting the dilaudid and the kadian that i am prescribed every month, due to the lack of veins. ive ruined every one of them. it sucks because i played ball and worked out and shit in school, had all kinds of veins sticking out all over the place. anyway i think that the reason i started abusing the drugs again started when my boy died a few years back. im not blaming him at all, so please dont think that. it is just when it started. i think it was/is the depression that came along with losing him. then it was that damn euphoric feeling again. you see i actually need some sort of pain meds cuz of the hep-c monster that i been carrying around with me for at least 30 years. I just wasnt abusing the drugs like now. that the rock and hard spot i was talking about. i want to kick and need to but i just want to kick the syringe part. i dont think i can go back to like it was though. i dont get that euphoric feeling anymore, no matter how much/many pills i inject. im just too far gone, but if i kick ill have to live with the pain that these meds are taking away. i sure dont want to indure that damn flu i get when i kick! you all know what im talking about, no need to go into the shitty, puking, clammy details. I do it because i cant stop doing it. there i said it! i am going to use and abuse the info that is right here at my fingertips to kick though! Making it as good as can be while kicking it! gonna go research that kinda information right now. CAN anybody steer me the right direction for OTC drugs and different eats,vitimins etc.etc.etc for kicking OPIATES ? Also what might my pain managment doc prescribe me to help? Cant tell him im banging but i can tell him the rest. PLEASE let me know, as any info would be appreciated.......just..................... notsureanymore..................THANKS!
 
I abuse drugs because deep down I don't really like myself & need to black out life. I feel constantly at war with myself & my demons.
 
Blind Melon and verso said it perfectly.

There's definitely a "void" inside of me or a major chemical imbalance that has taken quite the toll on me and I created monstrous IV drug addictions, the only way I found I could deal with them. Even though I'm on a daily dose of methadone (I don't have to wake up incredibly desperate and dopesick), I still find myself profusely sweating, my thoughts racing into dark places of my mind I don't prefer to explore, and such a loneliness, a loneliness that touches my soul. Not that there's nobody I can kick it with, I have plenty of friends, I just end up feeling lonely in a crowded room sometimes.

I doubt I need to mention that I'm depressed, have been for the majority of my life.
 
wow this thread is sort of an eye-opener

I had no idea that others felt so similarly to the way I do; a certain self-loathing seems to be the common factor here...
 
^ Well you gotta be at least some kinda masochist to put the shit we do into our noses/lungs/veins/asses on the reg. It would seem to defy the human instinct for survival. Maybe we're all broken souls, candidates for the Darwin Award. On the other side of the coin, in our defense I remember hearing or reading the quote, I'm sure one of you will know who by, "Drugs are a rational response to insanity"--I think that pretty much about says it all. We are trying to cope with an insane world the best we know how.
 
the lifestyle, to get well, panic attacks, love it, insecurity, depression, low self esteem, sadness, anger, inability to cope , to fill a void , etc. etc. etc.

I wonder if all of us were in the same room with a universal shrink, it would do any of us any good? HMMM?
 
verso said:
What drives me to do it? The anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, depression, sadness, anger, and just the overall inability to deal with my feelings and life in general...
Click to expand...

Yup... we're all just self-medicating and "fixing" what we think is wrong with us, myself included. You're definitely not alone bro... If you didn't post that, mine would be very similar to that..


Stevenski said:
I abuse drugs because deep down I don't really like myself & need to black out life. I feel constantly at war with myself & my demons.
Click to expand...

& I agree with this just as much as the first response I quoted. I fucking hate myself, so... to make that feeling disappear, for even a little bit.. I got high. & while I was high, shit.. all was well with the world again. & it got to the point where I'd rather just be high constantly & loving myself, instead of sober and ready to stick a shotgun in my mouth. & I was just way too naive about addiction, and had the whole "oh, that won't happen to ME" attitude. Yup... that got me REAL far. hah.

...Besides loving the way drugs made me feel, I use[d] drugs to cover up everything that I couldn't handle. My best friend died when I was 13, he killed himself, and that's when I turned to drugs because I didn't have anything or anyone else to turn to. Pills were my security blanket. My happy place. I'm 27 now, and I've been on something for 14 years, with the longest period of sobriety being 6 months. In FOURTEEN years. That's fucking ridiculous, that's more then half my life, man. Oh, and withdrawal drove me to keep using, as well. Cause lets face it, who wants to be dope-sick? That shit sucks.

But using, and becoming a bottom of the barrel junkie... also made my life even worse. & I didn't even think/know that was possible. Now that I'm recovering... I've got 14 years of problems, emotions, and everything else that comes with it... to deal with. To accept. Fuck.

...Fucking drugs, man.
 
The rush the nod the high I have to get high I get a little caught up but life with out it just isn't the same.

It helps inhance a lot of things in my life as I use multiple substances.
Some good posts in this thread.
 
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