THE_REAL_OBLIVION
Bluelight Crew
Had been 5 days without my diazepam. See how I used "my" ? I never do that with any other medication, not even opiates or now suboxone. It is the only thing that doesn't fail me. That makes able not to worry about my health constantly (methadone induced hypogonadism and low cortisol levels, started testosterone SC injection therapy in august and cortef only 2 weeks ago. Too bad I was too out of it from being out of benzos to give a shit about getting my blood levels of cortisol checked (my endo doctor I saw for the cortisol deficiency gave me that too, to verify in case suboxone I have been taking since august too now has changed the toxic effects of methadone). So now I don't even know if the cortisol is warranted, maybe that problem was corrected after stopping methadone (which is a known major offender, compared to partial agonists like buprenorphine, at least for testosterone, it is proven).
Testosterone indeed made me get bigger and wanting to do exercice, can't bring myself to do cardio though, except for very short bike rides (my brother in his pity of me bought me a kickass expensive Schwinn bike in august too...but eh this is canada...can't use it now). BUT it's horrible how much weight I gained since stopping methadone, going to suboxone and taking testosterone, went from 215 to 280 (I'm 6'0 tall, but it's finally showing, all in my stomach) I've reduced my weight a couple times before successfully but I never got to this much weight! I can't make sense of it other than maybe stopping to use Dexedrine daily, the comedowns were so awful it would make me take more of my valium / xanax script and get me in a vicious cycle I know everyone here knows of.
Basically, I am underdosed. The year where I was on valium 20mg during the day, .5mg of xanax in case of panic attacks (only 1 a day max) and 15mg mogadon for sleep is when I was at the top of it (also could use my very very much needed Dexedrine then). Methadone just made a joke out of my Dexedrine at first (I could take my 20mg xr in the morning then go to bed anyways, IR's worked better, but that's not how my script works, 20mg in the morning xr, 10mg ir at 3-4 pm in case I had more school work/work then I felt I could handle), and I had a long time major daily benzo usage without abuse before I ever abused opiates other than Codeine seldom.
I got lucky and the methadone/suboxone doctors at my clinic have now enough experience to know that letting someone only take diazepam with a taper in the future while one is getting accustomed to methadone is fine, they did indeed remove the mogadon (worst thing of all to me) and the xanax. My psychiatrist, who is pretty cool, yet severe, it's hard to explain, he gives me a hard time, but when I explain my shit correctly without lies with total honesty, normally understands how fucking crazy benzo withdrawal is, even if he tried to push a lot of bad shit to add on top of it that I didn't take, except Seroquel 25mg prn for sleep once the mogadon was gone; assured the methadone/suboxone clinic I was an exemplary benzo user (and that's not lying). Anyway I only added this parcel of text here because of the OMG BENZOS + Methadone people...I always have to explain that I was addicted to benzos WAY before I ever stuck a needle in my hand or even abused orally potent opiates other than codeine, so there ya go, I didn't die, I'm on suboxone now.
I imagine my post could be both in the suboxone thread and here because it all comes down to two things : Anybody here with actual reasons to worry a lot in life where it makes them become sick and NEED benzos to live, not to get fucked up, and also not to become sick from the withdrawal see absolutely no reason why they should quit benzos ? They are the only thing that ever helped me, yet the system makes it such a bitch to deal with the stigma/VERY strict refills (I refilled my clonidine script 2 weeks early, government insurance renewed it without a flinch, a day before the official day is the only way the gov insurance will let you go....) I mean for fuck's sake they aren't opiates, which are supposedly much more controlled...but when I sought opiates for relief for my damaged temporal area nerves/TMJ disorder from my maxillary dentist + the ER it would be a breeze to get theme, even multiple refills of Dilaudid 2mg's.
I enjoy normal life more than being fucked up these days, especially since the testo and cortisol came into my life and have made me feel a state of mind and body I had forgotten about. This is not about being fucked up. I did indeed taper if I'm only on 20mg of valium right now after having the 15mg nitrazepam and .5mg xanax taken away last year when I got on methadone. I try to take less valium but then I just feel the out of this world bad feels + the sweating + self hatred + suicidal thoughts (rarely) that come to me when I try only 5mg a day. I imagine I'll have to convince my psychiatrist the same way I convinced him in 2010 when I got rid of my 3.5/4mg clonaz a day habit then with valium (he never was aware of the mogadon and xanax, but most of the time, those scripts from my neurologist and GP I used mainly prn, especially when I was on Dexedrine daily, believe it or not Dexedrine allowed me to manage my stress MUCH easier.
tl;dr : Do you believe there is nothing wrong with needing a very steady and non abusive usage of benzos long term in cases of problems like PTSD, GAD, SAD, Resistant Depression etc. ? Because all the warnings I read everywhere seem to be N/A to me and a sample of people I know + anecdotal experience from people around here and other forums, newsgroups etc. I imagine the glaucoma warnings are very real though, it would be one hell of a downer (heh) if I ever developed glaucoma and had to stop benzos cold turkey or through the barbaric Phenobarbital detox. My life is 150% better since I had some of my then unknown health issues taken care of, I imagine I will be able to take a taper one of these days, but I'm not ready for that yet, I think getting rid of benzos is the very last thing to do in cases similar to mine. The ashton method worked wonderfully with my psychiatrist, even if it was made a bit faster than it should have, that's why I got stuck at 20mg anyway. Thank heavens diazepam comes in 10, 5 and 2mg pills, so I will be able to reduce my dosage by 1mg a week when the time comes.
Testosterone indeed made me get bigger and wanting to do exercice, can't bring myself to do cardio though, except for very short bike rides (my brother in his pity of me bought me a kickass expensive Schwinn bike in august too...but eh this is canada...can't use it now). BUT it's horrible how much weight I gained since stopping methadone, going to suboxone and taking testosterone, went from 215 to 280 (I'm 6'0 tall, but it's finally showing, all in my stomach) I've reduced my weight a couple times before successfully but I never got to this much weight! I can't make sense of it other than maybe stopping to use Dexedrine daily, the comedowns were so awful it would make me take more of my valium / xanax script and get me in a vicious cycle I know everyone here knows of.
Basically, I am underdosed. The year where I was on valium 20mg during the day, .5mg of xanax in case of panic attacks (only 1 a day max) and 15mg mogadon for sleep is when I was at the top of it (also could use my very very much needed Dexedrine then). Methadone just made a joke out of my Dexedrine at first (I could take my 20mg xr in the morning then go to bed anyways, IR's worked better, but that's not how my script works, 20mg in the morning xr, 10mg ir at 3-4 pm in case I had more school work/work then I felt I could handle), and I had a long time major daily benzo usage without abuse before I ever abused opiates other than Codeine seldom.
I got lucky and the methadone/suboxone doctors at my clinic have now enough experience to know that letting someone only take diazepam with a taper in the future while one is getting accustomed to methadone is fine, they did indeed remove the mogadon (worst thing of all to me) and the xanax. My psychiatrist, who is pretty cool, yet severe, it's hard to explain, he gives me a hard time, but when I explain my shit correctly without lies with total honesty, normally understands how fucking crazy benzo withdrawal is, even if he tried to push a lot of bad shit to add on top of it that I didn't take, except Seroquel 25mg prn for sleep once the mogadon was gone; assured the methadone/suboxone clinic I was an exemplary benzo user (and that's not lying). Anyway I only added this parcel of text here because of the OMG BENZOS + Methadone people...I always have to explain that I was addicted to benzos WAY before I ever stuck a needle in my hand or even abused orally potent opiates other than codeine, so there ya go, I didn't die, I'm on suboxone now.
I imagine my post could be both in the suboxone thread and here because it all comes down to two things : Anybody here with actual reasons to worry a lot in life where it makes them become sick and NEED benzos to live, not to get fucked up, and also not to become sick from the withdrawal see absolutely no reason why they should quit benzos ? They are the only thing that ever helped me, yet the system makes it such a bitch to deal with the stigma/VERY strict refills (I refilled my clonidine script 2 weeks early, government insurance renewed it without a flinch, a day before the official day is the only way the gov insurance will let you go....) I mean for fuck's sake they aren't opiates, which are supposedly much more controlled...but when I sought opiates for relief for my damaged temporal area nerves/TMJ disorder from my maxillary dentist + the ER it would be a breeze to get theme, even multiple refills of Dilaudid 2mg's.
I enjoy normal life more than being fucked up these days, especially since the testo and cortisol came into my life and have made me feel a state of mind and body I had forgotten about. This is not about being fucked up. I did indeed taper if I'm only on 20mg of valium right now after having the 15mg nitrazepam and .5mg xanax taken away last year when I got on methadone. I try to take less valium but then I just feel the out of this world bad feels + the sweating + self hatred + suicidal thoughts (rarely) that come to me when I try only 5mg a day. I imagine I'll have to convince my psychiatrist the same way I convinced him in 2010 when I got rid of my 3.5/4mg clonaz a day habit then with valium (he never was aware of the mogadon and xanax, but most of the time, those scripts from my neurologist and GP I used mainly prn, especially when I was on Dexedrine daily, believe it or not Dexedrine allowed me to manage my stress MUCH easier.
tl;dr : Do you believe there is nothing wrong with needing a very steady and non abusive usage of benzos long term in cases of problems like PTSD, GAD, SAD, Resistant Depression etc. ? Because all the warnings I read everywhere seem to be N/A to me and a sample of people I know + anecdotal experience from people around here and other forums, newsgroups etc. I imagine the glaucoma warnings are very real though, it would be one hell of a downer (heh) if I ever developed glaucoma and had to stop benzos cold turkey or through the barbaric Phenobarbital detox. My life is 150% better since I had some of my then unknown health issues taken care of, I imagine I will be able to take a taper one of these days, but I'm not ready for that yet, I think getting rid of benzos is the very last thing to do in cases similar to mine. The ashton method worked wonderfully with my psychiatrist, even if it was made a bit faster than it should have, that's why I got stuck at 20mg anyway. Thank heavens diazepam comes in 10, 5 and 2mg pills, so I will be able to reduce my dosage by 1mg a week when the time comes.
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