Giving your benzos to someone to dispense daily is known not to work well. If you really are an addict you will build a stack until you reach the required high dose and take it all at once. Having the pill dispenser look into your mouth to make sure you swallowed it is not that efficient either since addicts learn places in their mouth where they can hide it and spit back afterwards. It's usually in between the teeth and the upper lip where it's hard to spot. Then if you arrive at situations where the pill dispenser has to stick their fingers in your mouth...it becomes a very humiliating and embarassing experience for both you and the pill dispenser.
I believe that the things that happen in this life happen for a reason. If you get high on benzos you clearly haven't reached the point where the downside of getting high is overwhelming the positive effect so you are calculating and making your decisions according to the most positive outcome. It's very difficult with psychological addictions like that.
Panic attacks are a result of fear. What fear:
- Fear of ceasing to exist
- Fear of not being able to control when you will cease to exist
- Fear of being in excruciating pain
- Fear of insanity
The reason why these fears arise and overwhelm the body is because you have un-answered questions that no one bothered answering, not your parents/grand parents/friends, probably because they didn't know themselves. They thought it was more important for you to understand mathematics, physics, knowing how to write a check, drive a car etc. Humans, and in my opinion all intelligent life forms set themselves apart for asking the question "why?".
In my opinion, asking "why?" when it comes to life, death and the origin of the Universe is a dead end. Assume you find an answer for all your questions about the world somehow...in my opinion you will be very disappointed about what this whole thing really is. In fact, 1,000 human minds could not have the processing power to truly understand the full extend of the disappointment.
Biggest mistake that humanity makes is to be thankful for the big bang because without it there would be no life, we would not be here. Maybe our life is so shitty as a direct result of it. In my opinion, like all explosions, it was a catastrophic event that ended life for a very long time. There is no good explosion...you don't randomly go blowing things up in your apartment...nothing positive can come out of it...unless the explosion residue somehow benefits from it by sparking into existence.
The more you think about these things and try to wrap up your spiritual side, the less panic attacks you will have. If existence had a name it would be called "No Control". If you try to control everything you will get a panic attack. Your heart can stop at any moment or explode, just like everything else exploded in the big bang and there's nothing you, me or God can do about it. The "so what" approach is much more compatible with the true nature of existence.
Inspiring post friend. Are you also a Bad Religion fan ? The album AND song "No Control" is deep about this very subject from their classic days in the 80's. Sometimes fear of insanity/fear of dying goes even beyond for me. I'm mostly afraid of being afraid. And also since I'm ridden with health problems since that 5 DOB hits "mistaken for LSD" + a massive jaw injury causing nerve damage and TMJ disorder more than a decade ago only to degrade as I grow older, makes me sometimes just afraid of living, I'd rather be sleeping most of the time.
Then sometimes I think, in case the superstitious thought that the mind might come back to life, I assume it must be done randomly. What if I'm unlucky and get to live on a planet way way back in it's evolutionary process and life is constant pain and struggle and dying young is assured in my half-ape or whatever half-intelligent being my mind would be in (even if I had no recall of my previous life). Or worse, I end up coming back to this earth and get to be born in North Korea ? All those things might seem silly but they are terrifying.
But the worst is really benzo withdrawal itself man. I am underdosed considering my tolerance. I have no choice but to pay money handsomely most months on etizolam and etaqualone (and the place I know do not sell in small quantities or these "pellets" BS.) And I live on a mere temporary disability cheque every month, that keeps being renewed, they (gov) apparently decide I'm not worthy of full on disability even if my doctors say so (the ministry of health doctors have the final say) so I cannot get a semi-decent 1025 dollars cheque a month. I spend most of what I get on rent because my mom has financial issues since my lazy fucker of a stepdad who has no health issues except a fucked up shoulder (which he could get dilaudid and celebrex for, but he doesn't believe in medication..el sigh), he hasn't provided since almost 3 years and I had to move back to my mom's house, which costs me more than renting a small apartment. I'm also worried about being worried, especially about my mom. Dying wouldn't be that much of an issue to me when I think of it, but the idea that my mom and brother and other ever shortening list of loved ones disappearing from my heart and eyes is impossible to stand.
If you do not know of Bad Religion, here's two song lyrics really relevant to what you brought forward and what I responded to it, from the same hard hitting album No Control from 1988.
No Control
Culture was the seed of proliferation but it's gotten melded
Into an inharmonic whole, to an inharmonic whole.
Consciousness has plagued us and we cannot shake it
Though we think we're in control, though we think we're in control.
Questions that besiege us in life are testament of our helplessness.
There's no vestige of a beginning, no prospect of an end.
When we all disintegrate it will all happen again, yeah.
Time is so rock solid in the minds of the hordes but they can't
Explain why it should slip away, explain why it should slip away.
History and future are the comforts of our curiosity but here we are
Rooted in the present day, rooted in the present day
Questions that besiege us in life are testament of our helplessness.
There's no vestige of a beginning, no prospect of an end.
When we all disintegrate it will all happen again, yeah.
If you came to conquer, you'll be king for a day,
But you too will deteriorate and quickly fade away.
And believe these words you hear when you think your path is clear...
We have no control. We have no control.
We have no control, we do not understand.
You have no control, you are not in command.
You have no control. We have no control.
No control. No control. You have no control.
Anxiety
It's a love song to the self, a story recapped every day,
It's a world of bogus feelings and a world of slow decay,
It's a world of laughter hidden by this world of fear and torment,
It's a game of strange compulsion, our visceral convulsion:
Anxiety for love of life, anxiety for pain,
Anxiety, a feeling that you know you can't contain.
Anxiety destroys us but it drives the common man.
Foundation of society, anxiety. Suppress it if you can.
The caste of coffee achievers didn't perform like they planned.
The morning rush hour traffic is our play of false elan.
So run around your frantic track and lay you down to sleep;
Tomorrow's the redemption, we strive for that exception.
Anxiety for love of life, anxiety for pain,
Anxiety, a fear that you have nothing more to gain.
Anxiety destroys us but it drives the common man.
Foundation of society, anxiety. Suppress it if you can.
What are we angry for?
We all need a common cure.
That common goal for which you strive:
To have more than the other (have more than the other) guy.
The quest for truth, the quest for gold, yeah, we end up all the same
The common lie, the righteous cry, we end up all the same.
The angry crowd, those lost and found, everybody's all the same.
The poet's pen, these words I lend, we all bend to
Anxiety for love of life, anxiety for pain,
Anxiety, a feeling that you know you can't contain.
Anxiety destroys us but it drives the common man.
Foundation of society, anxiety.
